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The Films of 2017. The 18th annual FiLM BiTCH Awards

PICTURE | ACTING | VISUALS | AURALS | EXTRAS | SPECIAL | SCENES 

 

BE WARNED. THIS PAGE CONTAINS SPOILERS

Hero of the Year
"Billie Jean King"
Emma Stone
BATTLE OF THE SEXES
"Logan"
Hugh Jackman
LOGAN
"Luke & Rey"
Mark Hamill & Daisy Ridley in
THE LAST JEDI
"Spider-Man"
Tom Holland
SPIDER-MAN HOMECOMING
"Wonder Woman"
Gal Gadot
WONDER WOMAN

Blessed with
Top 1% athletic prowess, tenacity, moral bravery, and feminist warrior spirit.
Achilles Heel:
The closet.
Side Kick:
Hairdresser, husband,
Triumph:
Forcing the world to take female athletes seriously. Making dents in the struggle for equal pay.

  Blessed with
:
Endurance above and beyond that mutant healingr. A good heart under the scowl and scruff.
Achilles Heel:
Depression + Professor Xavier's apocalyptic migraines.   
Sidekick:
Laura (Dafne Keen) who is also a thorn blade in his side.
Triumph:
Saves the next generation of mutant heroes

Blessed with
:
The Force in abundance. Mad light sabre skills.
Achilles Heel:
Pride and despair. The nursing of old wounds.
Sidekick:
Only each other this time.
Triumph:
Luke's last trickster stand to save the Rebels and a generational handoff to his protege Rey, who refuses to give in to the dark side despite quite an attractive offer from her emo soul mate.

 Blessed with
:
Great sense of humor, youthful exuberance, Tony Stark's mentoring, and super powers
Achilles Heel:
Still just a kid! Also has mad crushes on classmates that might actually crush him (oops - her dad is a super villain)
Sidekick:
Best friend Ned (Jacob Batalon)
Triumph:
Defeats The Vulture. Proves himself to Tony Stark.
Blessed with
Demigod immortality of sorts, Amazon training, super strength, truly amazing hair, and that magic lasso.      
Achilles Heel: Naive about the actual world and its evils.     
Sidekick:
Steve Trevor (Chris Pine) and his makeshift troop of international misfit heroes
Triumph:
Defeats the God of War but at great personal cost.

Runners Up

Finalists: Parvana in The Breadwinner; Chris Jackson (Daniel Kaluuya) in Get Out; ACT-UP Paris (Cast) in BPM; Baby (Ansel Elgort) in Baby Driver;

Semi Finalists:  Miguel  in Coco; Churchill (Gary Oldman) in Darkest Hour; Eliza (Sally Hawkins) in The Shape of Water


Villain of the Year
The Armitage Family
Keener, Whitford, Williams
GET OUT
"The Beast"
James McAvoy
SPLIT
"Hela "
Cate Blanchett
THOR: RAGNAROK
"Niander Wallace"
Jared Leto
BLADE RUNNER 2049
"Pennywise the Dancing Clown"
Bill Skarsgård
IT
 Guilty of:
Seduction, preying on black bodies, nefarious hypnosis, nonconsensual surgery. Trying to cheat death.
Accomplices:
Unexamined white privilege, and a town full of suburban sociopaths, willing to enslave others for their own benefit.
Sentence:
Death
 Guilty of:
Kidnapping, murder, cannibalism, deceitful posing as other versions of himself, self-tattling, and transmutation?
Accomplices:
Himself. There are so many of him!     
Sentence:
On the loose. Stay tuned for the inevitable sequel.
 Guilty of:
Hammer horrors, mass murder, power grabs. Attempted fratricide.  
Accomplices:
Skurge, resurrected zombie warriors, and her giant wolf dog Fenris
Sentence:
Possibly dead, done in by her own plan. It's hard to say. Apocalypses are so chaotic. 
Guilty of:
Colonoliast capitalism, profound lack of empathy, casual android murder.  
Accomplices:
Disturbing worshipful "Luv" (Sylvia Hoeks) his trusted replicant / hired assassin. 
Sentence:
Still in power. Still after the secret to Replicant reproduction to increase his power.
Guilty of:
Cannibalism, luring children to their doom, playing mind games, generally being a sick fuck. 
Accomplices:
Our fears.
Sentence: Possibly dead? Nah, "It" will be back to haunt the Losers Club in 27 years time.


Runners Up

Finalists: The Vulture (Michael Keaton) in Spider-Man Homecoming; The Colonel (Woody Harrelson) in War for the Planet of the Apes

Semi Finalists: David 8 (Michael Fassbender) in Alien CovenantErnesto de la Cruz (Benjamin Bratt) in Coco, Gaston (Luke Evans) in Beauty and the Beast, Lucy Mirando (Tilda Swinton) in Okja, Professor Poopypants in Captain Underpants

 

 

Diva of the Year
street cats
various
KEDI
Him
Javier Bardem
MOTHER!
"Queen Victoria"
Dame Judi Dench
VICTORIA AND ABDUL
"Reynolds Woodcock"
Daniel Day Lewis
PHANTOM THREAD
"Taylor Sloane"
Elisabeth Olsen
INGRID GOES WEST
Turn ons:
Total freedom, fish, mice, affection (on their terms)
Hobbies:
Hunting, stealing food, being fabulous, befriending (select) humans, allowing themselves to be continually anthropomorphized. Speaking of which...
Enablers:
Humans... so easily manipulated
Turn offs:
(select) other cats. Harsh weather. Change.
Turn ons:
Creation, being fawned over, inviting strangers over
Hobbies:
Writer's block, hosting crowds... hordes really. Starting over.
Enablers:
Martyr muses and crazy stans.
Turn offs:
Being disturbed in his work space. Everything that's not about him.
Turn ons:
Abdul, Indian produce, lording her power over the royal family
Hobbies:
Studying Islam, napping, walks with Abdul
Enablers:
The British Empire
Turn offs:
Being questioned, her boring old routines.
 Turn ons:
Praise, power, reputation, acquiescent muses with no independent thoughts
Hobbies:
Dining out or in, self-mythologizing
Enablers:
His sister Cyril, rich patrons
Turn offs:
Former muses, loud table manners, muses with minds of their own, his enablers, the word "chic" - it's fucking ghastly!
 Turn ons:
Her follower counts, Boho lifestyle, artisanal whatever, profoundish quotes, "...and then there is California"
Hobbies:
Quoting things she hasn't read, reflexively making it all about herself, instant faux intimacies
Enablers:
Chill husband, shady bro, wannabe Ingrid
Turn offs:
Stalkers
RUNNERS UP 

Finalists: Bobby Briggs (Steve Carell) has to be the center of attention / class clown in Battle of the Sexes, It's just NEVER ENOUGH for Jenny Lind (Rebecca Ferguson) in The Greatest Showman

Semi Finalists: Katherine (Florence Pugh) in Lady MacbethLady Bird (Saoirse Ronan) in Lady Bird, woman (Michelle Pfeiffer) in Mother!, Mildred (Frances McDormand) in Three Billboards, Taylor Sloane (in Ingrid Goes West, Gaston in Beauty and the Beast

 

Sexpot of the Year
"Fernando"
Paul Hamy
THE ORNITHOLOGIST
"Frankie"
Harris Dickinson
BEACH RATS
"Lorraine Broughton"
Charlize Theron
ATOMIC BLONDE
"Molly Bloom"
Jessica Chastain
MOLLY'S GAME
"Oliver"
Armie Hammer
CALL ME BY YOUR NAME


He didn't ask to be trussed up in tighty whities like a forest snack but he doesn't mind the objectification. Also enjoys nude sunbathing / anonymous sex

 

 Trolling the internet for casual sex, he's fully aware of his thirst trap body and careful with the lighting. Very DL
 She wields everything like a weapon including her insane beauty. Equal Opportunity Seductress.
There's something weirdly sexy about her unattainable asexuality despite the "Cinemax version of herself" trappings. She has no interest in subscribers


 Whether playing volleyball, going for a bike, or a swim, this expert cocktease is aware that you're watching but utterly unself-conscious about it. Also eats peaches.

"Later!"

 

Finalists: "Anna Murphy" -Nicole Kidman under general and tonal anesthesia (but still frisky!) in The Killing of a Sacred Deer; "Nathan" Arnaud Valois as the fresh meat at the ACT-UP meetings in BPM;

Semi Finalists: "Katherine & Sebastian" (Florence Pugh & Cosmo Jarvis) in Lady Macbeth; "Steve Trevor" Chris Pine ("above average") in Wonder Woman; "Christian & Anastasia" Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson in Fifty Shades Darker but they've already had their moment and their sex got tamer; Hunky "Aquaman" in Justice League, with the superpower of being casually shirtless in wintry climates.

 

 

Movie Poster of the Year
Colossal Mother! Phantom Thread The Shape of Water
Thor Ragnarok

 A novelty sure, but what a curio of a movie that the poster explains straightaway with its central theme / plot point / visual metaphor.

Only the painted teaser posters, mind you. (The release got that reductive red herring/homage to Rosemary's Baby.)

 Only the ink / watercolor versions (not the boring regular American release with the floating head). They're so perfect for a prestige film with fashion as its milieu

Beautiful color and swoony romanticism. Also honest: this is a highbrow creature feature fantasy. And it's very green

Bless them for going full tilt boogie into the movie's rainbow crazy fun, a fresh circular spin on those crowded blockbuster posters that are a dime a dozen.
Runners Up

Finalists: The stylized color of Wonder Wheel, the painted eroticism of The Ornithologist, and the confrontational life force of Lady Macbeth

Semi Finalists: fun iconography of various memorable female characters on the posters of I Tonya, Lady Bird, Personal Shopper, and Atomic Blonde

 

ON TO FINAL PAGE OF AWARDS