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 Gemini, Cinephile, Actressexual. Also loves cats. All material herein is written and copyrighted by him, unless otherwise noted. twitter | facebook | pinterest | tumblr | letterboxd

 

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COMMENT(s) DU JOUR
Yes No Maybe So - Big Eyes

"The trailer won me over with two phrases:
1) "Lady art doesn't sell".
2) "I've been lying to my daughter".
- Adri

"A Tim Burton movie with the title Big Eyes that features neither Ricci, Ryder, Keaton nor Bonham Carter just doesn't seem right..." -Paul

 

 

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The Films of 2013. The 14th annual FiLM BiTCH Awards
PICTURE | ACTING | VISUALS | AURALS | EXTRAS | SPECIAL | SCENES 


Hero of the Year
comment away

"Ashburn & Mullins"
Sandra Bullock & Melissa McCarthy
THE HEAT 
"Captain Phillips"
Tom Hanks
CAPTAIN PHILLIPS
"Celestine"
animators
ERNEST & CELESTINE 
"Katniss"
Jennifer Lawrence
THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE 
"Renée Saavedra"
Gael García Bernal
NO 
Blessed with: Tenacity, survival instincts, sense of community, amazing line readings Achilles Heel: family and friends don't like them, binge-drinking, internal bickering, orange tabbies Triumph: Dept corruption exposed, lives saved, new friendship
Blessed with: Leadership skills, quick thinking, compassion, negotiating skills, Achilles Heel: Not really. But that ship isn't really equipped for war Triumph: Crew survives, cargo delivered
Blessed with: Strength of inner compass, in spite of everyone telling her she's doing it wrong Achilles Heel: Lack of interested in teeth Triumph: Defeats species-phobia, unites enemies in newfound (albeit nervous) respect, nurtures her inner artist
Blessed with: Social conscious, killer friends, a poker face from the gods, fierce and fiery couture Achilles Heel: Those damn Hunger Games keep getting in the way of a revolution Triumph: Changes the game... again... by giving them the slip
Blessed With: Creativity, game-changing optimism, social bravery Achilles Heel: the ex-wife, the coworkers you can't trust
Triumph: Pinochet overthrown by the power of goofy über 80s ad campaigns
 

Finalists: Dr Ryan Stone (Sandra Bullock), Our Man (Robert Redford), and Solomon Northup in Gravity, All is Lost, and 12 Years a Slave respectively. Since their heroism is largely about keeping themselves alive, I've grouped them all as a three-way honorable mention.

Semi-Finalists: Grace (Brie Larson) in Short Term 12 | Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr) in Iron Man 3 | Anna (Kristen Bell) in Frozen

with a special dishonor to the Man of Steel for making Superman a mass murderer, or at least entirely unconcerned with mass death.

 

Villain of the Year

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"Master & Mistress Epps"
Michael Fassbender & Sarah Paulson
12 YEARS A SLAVE
"Encarna"
Maribel Verdu
BLANCANIEVES
"General Zod"
Michael Shannon
MAN OF STEEL
"Uncle Charlie"
Matthew Goode
STOKER
"Violet Weston"
Meryl Streep
AUGUST: OSAGE COUNTY
 Guilty of: slavery, torture, rape, oppressive preaching and false piety, allowing their toxic marriage to have a  (presumed) body count  Accomplices: the US constitution, plantation culture, Armsby, Judge Turner  Sentence: Still abusing their slaves when we leave them but  "a great reckoning" is coming

Guilty of: Shady nursing that would make Nurse Ratched proud, lies, seduction, mariticide, child abuse, greed, and plain old vanity.  Accomplices: The chauffeur under her boot, the poisoned apple (but no Mirror Mirror). Sentence: Death. This is a Grimm(er) fairy tale than most Snow White interpretations

 Guilty of: Treason, attempted genocide, mass murder, military jingoism, growling Accomplices: the Kryptonian military, some sort of fancy terraforming ship because: science fiction! Sentence: "300 cycles of somatic reconditioning" but he avoids that sentence. Superman offers another: death by neck snapping 
 Guilty of: Hitchcock referencing, fratricide, eery paralyzing ivory-tickling beauty, knocking off women who get in his way, incestuous seductions  Accomplices: Richard & Stoker (unwittingly) Evelyn & India Stoker (half-wittingly)  Sentence: He tried to kill Nicole Kidman. We sentence him to death.  Guilty of: The mouth cancer is both literal and figurative; she's toxic. Racism. Soul-destroying spousal and child abuse of the verbal variety. Accomplices: Beverly Weston's booze and silence, Mattie Fae's secrets, numerous pharmacists Sentence: From now on this bitch will eat her fish alone.
 

Finalists: "Jordan Belfort " (Leonardo DiCaprio) although The Wolf of Wall Street enjoys his crimes quite a lot placing him more as theanti-anti-hero than the villain he is

Semi-Finalists: "Mimi" played by Roxane Mesquida is all erotic and physical hunger and untamed id in Kiss of the Damned | "Sarafine" Emma Thompson camps it up pleasurably in their otherwise pleasure free Beautiful Creatures | "Malekitch" (Christopher Eccleston) in Thor The Dark World (Eccleston is game as ever and some visual potency but the role is a bit of a dud. Why can't Marvel Studios ever quite get the hang of making great villains? All the best hero narratives have them.)

 

Diva of the Year

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Worship their fabulousity. Key diva ingredients: presence (life force), theatrics (larger than life), narcissism/ego (believes own hype/craves attention), the goddess principle (a certain remoteness), vocal fireworks (of one sort of another)
 "Divine"
Divine
I AM DIVINE
 "Elsa"
Idina Menzel
FROZEN
 "Jay Gatsby"
Leonardo DiCaprio
THE GREAT GATSBY
 "Nicki"
Emma Watson
THE BLING RING
 "Rosalyn Rosenfeld"
Jennifer Lawrence
AMERICAN HUSTLE
Turn ons: Elizabeth Taylor, musicals, playing dress up, eating, gender- bending, frightening people, mocking "beauty" Hobbies: Acting, Singing, being "Divine" Enablers: John Waters and the Dreamlanders Turn offs: Being basic
Turn ons: The Cold. Solitude. Makeovers. Hobbies: Wanting to build snowmen. Actually building spectacular ice castles. Letting It Go. Enablers: King & Queen who encouraged all that self-denial Turn offs: concealing / not feeling. Turn ons: Daisy Buchanan. The Haves. Hobbies: Throwing massive parties, vulgar displays of wealth, saying "old sport" millions of times Enablers: Long Island high society. Shady bootleg fortune.  Turn offs: Tom Buchanan. The Have Nots.
Turn ons: Celebrity, Paris Hilton, Label Couture Hobbies: "I wanna rob", dancing, taking photos, lipliner, dressing up Enablers: The Bling Ring, Vacuous paparazzi pop culture, Turn offs: Prison, not being famous.
Turn ons: Herself "Thank god for me!", perfume that smells like garbage Hobbies: Performative housekeeping, driving men crazy "there's good stuff in this bed" Enablers: Irving Rosenfeld Turn offs: Science Ovens, Sydney Prosser
 

Finalists: A collective shout-out to the backup singers in 20 Feet From Stardom whose tantalizing proximity to their own inner diva was so moving
Semi-Finalists: "Crystal" (Kristin Scott Thomas) in Only God Forgives though really the film relies way too much on her outrageous dialogue and not much on an actual character

 

 

Sexpot of the Year

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 "Barbara Sugarbaker"
Scarlett Johansson
DON JON

"James Hunt"
Chris Hemsworth
RUSH

"Naomi Lapaglia"
Margot Robbie
THE WOLF OF WALL STREET
"Samantha"
Scarlett Johansson
HER
"Sydney/Lady Edith"
Amy Adams
AMERICAN HUSTLE

 A perfect "dime" (at least on the outside) and she knows it. If you've got it, flaunt it

 Much to his competitor's chagrin he's super fast on the race track and off, a legendary lothario who even wears it out his uniform "Sex: Breakfast of Champions"

 She's tired of wearing panties! 

Margot nails her breakthrough role, and Leonardo DiCaprio

Scarlett Johansson was superhuman long before she was a superhero and is now a superactress. She's so good she's our first noncorporeal nominee in this category! 

.Whether seducing FBI agents with absurd cleavage and (very) dirty dancing or romantically mesmerizing a conartist in the dry cleaning racks, Adams is on fire. Who knew she had this in her?

 

Finalists: "Adele & Emma" (Adele Exarchopoulus & Lea Seydoux) though they'll definitely compete in best sex scene, I am strangely averse to honoring them here... the director was objectifying them enough for both of us, so let's leave them as finalists. But it's easy to see why both of them can't keep their hands off the other.
Semi-Finalists:"Lucien Carr " (Dane DeHaan) in Kill Your Darlings whose homophobic but homoerotic seductive qualities are actually deadly | "Linda Lovelace" (Amanda Seyfried) as the mainstream porn star in the titular Lovelace 

 

 

Best Poster Design

12 YEARS A SLAVE
THE BLING RING
KISS OF THE DAMNED
NO
THE WOLVERINE
instantly iconic and evocative of larger feeling and narrative possibility a classic chic tease in tune with its Eurotrash retro horror feel smartly modernizing and sobering up it's gawdy 80s rainbow - such a great mix of severity (title) and positivity (color)

Asian influenced water color for a superhero movie poster. More imaginative work like this please 

 

Finalists: Spring Breakers, Blue is the Warmest Color
Semi-Finalists:
Gravity, Her, Only God Forgives, The Missing Picture, Saving Mr Banks

(for an alternate view: Glenn's take on the best posters of the year)