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COMMENT DU JOUR
SMACKDOWN 1954

 "I love that two people independent of one another gave Claire Trevor an extra star simply for being Claire Trevor." - Glenn

"Interesting to see the take of young people on these movies." - Les

"That was fascinating. I love the thoughts on Executive Suite, post-post-WWII and the "benevolent patriarch." " - B.D.

 

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The Films of 2014. The 15th annual FiLM BiTCH Awards

PICTURE | ACTING | VISUALS | AURALS | EXTRAS | SPECIAL | SCENES 

BE WARNED. THIS PAGE CONTAINS SPOILERS

 

Diva of the Year
"Amazing Amy"
Rosamund Pike
GONE GIRL
"Batman"
Will Arnett and Animators
THE LEGO MOVIE
Elaine Stritch
Elaine Stritch
ELAINE STRITCH: SHOOT ME
"James Brown"
Chadwick Boseman
GET ON UP
"The Witch"
Meryl Streep
INTO THE WOODS


 
 "No way baby, I'm it."

 

Turn ons
Nick Dunne. Her own performative shadiness
Hobbies:
Treasure hunts, bread crumb clue-writing, Diary writing, list-making
Enablers:
Stupid neighbors. Desi. The Media. Trust fund.
Turn offs
Nick Dunne. "Amazing Amy" Missouri

 "Relax everybody, I'm here."

 

Turn ons:
Himself. Looking cool. Being important. Sub woofers. "Darkness"
Hobbies:
Rescuing people. Talking about himself. Driving the Batmobile. Winning.
Enablers:
Wyldstyle. The Justice League. His reputation. 
Turn offs
Losing.

 
 "It's bound to be interesting. It's about me."

 

Turn ons
Performing. NYC. Showbiz
Hobbies:
Complaining. Quipping. Drinking. Anecdotes 
Enablers:
"I've got a certain amount of fame. I've got money. Wish I could drive. Then I'd really be a menace."
Turn offs
Pants. Diabetes. Forgetting lyrics.

"I am the Show. I'm going to be the Business, too."

Turn ons
"Super heavy funk." Hearing his name chanted.
Hobbies:
Sex. Dancing. Ladies.
Enablers:
His posse.
Turn offs
Jail. His momma. People who don't get his sound.

"I'm not good, I'm not nice, I'm just right."

Turn ons
Youth and Beauty. Gardening. 
Hobbies:
Parenting through imprisonment. Magical curses.
 Enablers:
The Baker and his wife.
Turn offs
Ugliness. Neighbors who mess around with her greens. Especially the beans.

 

Finalists: Cornelia (Luminata Gheorhiu) intimidates with class privilege in every room in Child's Pose; Birdman (Michael Keaton), the insatiable ego, in Birdman; Mike Shiner (Ed Norton) believes his own hype in Birdman

Semi Finalists: Anna Morales (Jessica Chastain) in A Most Violent Year; Lucy (Scarlett Johansson) in Lucy; Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) in Captain America: Winter Soldier

A Note: You'd think that Maleficient (Angelina Jolie) would rule over any such category but while she still walks and talks like a diva (thanks to Jolie) she's too declawed, victimized and softened to really be one. What were they thinking?

 

 

Sexpot of the Year
"..."
Scarlett Johansson
UNDER THE SKIN
"Adam & Eve"
Tom Hiddleston & Tilda Swinton
ONLY LOVERS LEFT ALIVE
"Kelly"
Rose Byrne in NEIGHBORS
"The Prince & The Other Prince"
Chris Pine & Billy Magnussen
INTO THE WOODS
"Teddy Sanders"
Zac Efron
NEIGHBORS

 
  Her victims dont even notice that veritable haunted house and death pool... it's because you can't look at anything but her.
  Swinton & Hiddleston are a sensual wonder together, constantly intertwined, touching, langorously fused. Plus there's that otherworldly beauty.
The more you look at this performance the better it gets! Byrne cleverly turns her sex appeal on, off, and up without ever losing the awkward everywoman comedy   They were raised to be charming, not sincere. They were also raised to tear open their shirts and wear insanely tight leather pants and their subjects will not complain.  We'll let his co-star take this one: "That's the sexiest guy I've ever seen. It's like something a gay guy would create in a laboratory" To his credit Efron embraces the implied  synthetic aesthetic wholeheartedly
 

Finalists: "Black Widow" (Scarlett Johansson)...' yeah, I bet you look terrible in a bikini' ; "Amazing Amy" (Rosamund Pike) sexy in that praying mantis take your head off kind of way in Gone Girl -- 'baby I'm it' but Scarlett's already got that type covered in Under the Skin

Semi Finalists: "Noni & Kaz" are perfect specimens in Beyond the Lights but you have to distract points because the film makes you feel guilty for lusty feelings ;) | "Franck" (Pierre Deladonchamps) in Stranger by the Lake has no trouble with the cruising; Neither does "Isabelle" (Marine Vacth) in search of johns in Young & Beautiful: If only "Jonathan" (Michel Huisman) were in a lot more of Wild

Disclaimer: I know we're supposed to be in lust with Michel (Christophe Paou) in Strangers by the Lake but I find mustaches disturbing

 

 

 

Hero of the Year
"Captain America"
Chris Evans
CAPTAIN AMERICA:  WINTER SOLDIER
"LGSM"
Cast
PRIDE
"Martin Luther King Jr & Marchers"
David Oyelowo & Cast
SELMA
"Rita (Full Metal Bitch)"
Emily Blunt
EDGE OF TOMORROW
"Star Lord"
Chris Pratt
GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY
Blessed with:
Powerful friends (if not super powered this time). A surprisingly firm moral compass for a movie hero in the 21st century. Super strength, 
Achilles Heel: 
Bucky Barnes, he's 'with him to the end of the line' 
Triumph:
Defeats HYDRA but it's a triumph w/ failure like proportions. "Captain American will return..."
 Blessed with:
 
Compassion for others, a sense of  community and fairness, fundraising power, and immense personal bravery 
Achilles Heel: 
Thatcher & the libelous media 
Triumph: Changing hearts and minds. Coming out. Inspiring new union regulations

 
 Blessed with: 
Tenacity, sense of community, tremendous oration, self-sacrifice, spiritual inspiration, strategic brilliance 
Achilles Heel: 
infidelity, government baby steps, wire tap, racist southerners 
Triumph:
Huge Civil Rights voting advances. Making the world a better place
 
 Blessed with:
 
Brave. Nimble mind, even more agile body. Fearsome reputation. Great with a gun and with a line reading. 
Achilles Heel: 
Tom Cruise hogging the heroism as is contractually obligated 
Triumph: 
Helps save the world
Blessed with:
Fearlessness, a fun spirit, friends with great fighting skills, and that Awesome Mix Tape 
Achilles Heel:
Black lights. Also low on the "Q" score Triumph: 
Prevents an Infinity Stone from falling into the wrong hands. Defeats one of the two lame villains (Thanos unfortunately still at large to burden future films)
Runners Up

 

Finalists: Sandra (Two Days One Night) puts others before herself but also learns to fight for herself despite depression. That's no small triumph; Professor Xavier (X-Men Days of Future Past) puts aside personal anguish for action

Semi Finalists: Cooper (Interstellar); Louis Zamperini (Unbroken); Curtis (Snowpiercer); Eggs (Boxtrolls); Alan Turing (The Imitation Game);


 

Villain of the Year
"Archibald Snatcher"
Ben Kingsley
and animators
THE BOXTROLLS
"The Babadook"
THE BABADOOK
"Minister Mason"
Tilda Swinton
SNOWPIERCER
"Owl Witch"
Fionnula Flanagan
and animators
SONG OF THE SEA
"The Winter Soldier"
Sebastian Stan
CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER
 Guilty of: Hungry for power. Gluttonous cheese lust. Lies. Kidnapping. Bad Drag. Attempted child murder. And that small matter of genocidal rage. 
Accomplices: Mr Trout & Mr Pickles (at least at first) and sadistic Mr Gristle
Sentence: Death by gluttony

 
   Guilty of: Mentally torturing the depressed and grieving. Causing insomnia and homicidal impulses.
Accomplices: Pop-up book nightmares. Depression. Anxiety. Repressed feelings. And Nosferatu for the inspiration.
Sentence: "You can't get rid  of the Babadook" 
  Guilty of: Sadism, Worshipping False idols ("The Engine!"), Inciting violence and prejudice with belittling hateful speeches "Know your place!". Close minded fashion sense: Why can't shoes be hats?
Accomplices: Everyone in the front of the train.
Sentence: Death. You have to admit she had it coming.
 Guilty of: Ignoring her feelings, Repressing yours with her well-intentioned but extremely dangerous Reverse Pandora's Box / Medusa act. Nearly rids the world of magic
Accomplices: Owls. You, if you're scared of your own feelings
Sentence: Sweet teary-eyed redemption

 Guilty of: Multiple assassinations, soiling bromantic memories, causing frequent unthinkably gnarly traffic jams, using your weapons against you, Not washing his hair
Accomplices: Amnesia. But mostly H.Y.D.R.A. (They're always to blame!) 
Sentence: On the loose. Cappy in hot pursuit 

 

 

Finalists: Lord Business (Will Ferrell and animators) in The LEGO Movie is an ingenious creation, and a nice dodge for a movie that couldn't be more of a business move; The Witch (Meryl Streep) and Amazing Amy (Rosamund Pike) in Into the Woods and Gone Girl if you'd like to classify them as such but are we sure we want to?

Semi Finalists:  Michel (Christophe Paou) in Stranger by the Lake; Xibalba in The Book of Life; John DuPont in Foxcatcher; 

Dishonorable Mention? Why are the villains of How To Train Your Dragon 2 and Dawn of the Planet of the Apes so racialized? Koba from Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is scary and memorable and I probably would have nominated him but he's also a dark colored ape and the only one with  an African sounding name (the others get European or American sounding names like Caesar, Maurice, and Blue Eyes). And as far as I can tell the only non-Scottish dark skinned character in all of the Dragon 2 universe is Drago the villain? Uncomfortable

Both of those villains are memorable at least which can't really be said for the villains of Divergent, Maze Runner, Guardians of the Galaxy, X-Men or other blockbusters. Lame villains in mainstream hits are an epidemic! 

 

 

Movie Poster of the Year
BIRDMAN A GIRL WALKS HOME ALONE AT NIGHT MOMMY THE ONE I LOVE
NYMPHOMANIAC
For being attuned to the film's comedy, it's superhero backstory, and its headspace. Quite literally
 
 For the bold red graphics but still true to its precise lines and black and white beauty
For its profile intensity - true to the movie's white hot mother/son claustrophobic focus. And that brilliant title necklace. For an elegant illustration solution to a rather unmarketable premise - it's a real "wow"
 From the teaser posters, all fish hooks and floggers, brilliant typography and risque take on "character posters" -- Von Trier movies always win at marketing.
Runners Up

Finalists: Boyhood for its evocative nostalgia. Remember laying in the grass? The Grand Budapest Hotel, the tiered cake exterior to be precise; Inherent Vice for its vibrant series of painted character portraits; Child's Pose (red satured festival poster only -as usual America gets the dullest posters of foreign films)

Semi Finalists: The Babadook; Maleficent; Nightcrawler 

 

ON TO FINAL PAGE OF AWARDS