Bring your own favorites! Oh wait, never mind. They already brought them. Any number of nominees will do!
The Golden Satellites are the craziest awards group that no one celebrates for their crazy. Mostly, we suspect, because their crazy is so eternally undefined. They change their rules. They change their number of nominees. It's impossible to follow their logic from year to year and even within a year. Moving targets are hard to hit but that's true not just for criticism but for love and interest. Do the Satellites even exist or are they figments of our imaginations each year right about this time?
Their possibly imaginary nominees have been announced and War Horse leads the pack with eight nominations. The full nomination list is hidden after the jump because the names are legion. To make this more fun I've highlighted what did NOT get nominated since it seems like everything did but appearances can be deceiving.
Best Picture:
The Artist
The Descendants
Drive
The Help
Hugo
Midnight in Paris
Moneyball
Shame
Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy
War Horse
NOT INCLUDED DESPITE TOO MANY NOMINEES: the one that sounds like a prayer and makes you cry with its pretty pictures, the one about 9/11, the one about the boy who lived, the one about the apes rising because it's their planet now ok?, and the one about the politicians and the one about the girl with that tattoos, the one with subtitles... any of them.
Best Actor:
George Clooney, The Descendants
Leonardo diCaprio, J. Edgar
Michael Fassbender, Shame
Brendan Gleeson, The Guard
Ryan Gosling, Drive
Tom Hardy, Warrior
Woody Harrelson, Rampart
Gary Oldman, Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy
Brad Pitt, Moneyball
Michael Shannon, Take Shelter
NOT INCLUDED DESPITE TOO MANY NOMINEES: the silent movie star, the immigrant daddy, and the wrestling coach and Adam Sandler who played two roles in Jack and Jill. Respect!
Best Actress:
Olivia Colman, Tyrannosaur
Glenn Close, Albert Nobbs
Viola Davis, The Help
Vera Farmiga, Higher Ground *
yay*
Elizabeth Olsen, Martha Marcy May Marlene
Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady
Charlize Theron, Young Adult
Emily Watson, Oranges and Sunshine
Michelle Williams, My Week With Marilyn
Michelle Yeoh, The Lady
NOT INCLUDED DESPITE TOO MANY NOMINEES: that girl with the crazy jaw and crazier psyche, that girl who was all "no big whoop" about the earth ending because it's evil y'all, that androgyne who just won the NBR, and the girl who keeps winning the Breakthrough awards.
Best Supporting Actor:
Kenneth Branagh, My Week With Marilyn
Albert Brooks, Drive
Colin Farrell, Horrible Bosses
Jonah Hill, Moneyball
Viggo Mortensen, A Dangerous Method
Nick Nolte, Warrior
Christopher Plummer, Beginners
Andy Serkis, Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Christoph Waltz, Carnage
Hugo Weaving, Oranges and Sunshine
NOT INCLUDED DESPITE TOO MANY NOMINEES: anyone who was looking askance at Charlize Theron in Young Adult, anyone who was tinkering tailoring soldiering or spying, anyone who was horsing around at war. And anyone who was extremely loud (unless you count Branagh who was definitely LOUD "it's like teaching Urdu to a badger!!!") or incredibly close (unless you count Waltz on account of the tight proximity of that movie. He just couldn't get out of that apartment and you know it was a confined space because Jodie Foster was there and she only stars in movies that take place in tight spaces.)
Best Supporting Actress:
Jessica Chastain, The Tree of Life
Elle Fanning, Super 8
Lisa Feret, Mozart's Sister
Judy Greer, The Descendants
Rachel McAdams, Midnight in Paris
Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs
Carey Mulligan, Shame
Vanessa Redgrave, Coriolanus
Octavia Spencer, The Help
Kate Winslet, Carnage
NOT INCLUDED DESPITE TOO MANY NOMINEES: the silent movie star, the other Jessica Chastains (they're everywhere!), the rascally daughter in Hawaii, Jodie Foster in her tight spaces, any of the Bridesmaids. You have ten nominees and no room for any of them Satellites? Fu-- Oh My God I Just Noticed That Rachel McAadams Was Nominated LOL She Was Terrible. Is this an avant garde Razzie campaign?
Best Director:
Tomas Alfredson, Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy
Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris
Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
John Michael McDonagh, The Guard
Steve McQueen, Shame
Alexander Payne, The Descendants
Nicolas Winding Refn, Drive
Martin Scorsese, Hugo
Steven Spielberg, War Horse
Tate Taylor, The Help
NOT INCLUDED DESPITE TOO MANY NOMINEES: Malick, Almodovar, Daldy, Miller, Farhadi, Fincher, and whoever directed that Jack and Jill movie.
Best Foreign Film:
Faust
The Kid With The Bike
Las Acadias
Le Havre
Miss Bala
Mozart's Sister
Mysteries of Lisbon
A Separation
13 Assassins
The Turin Horse
I like to call foreign film categories: the only movies with subtitles that people in whichever awards body voted this time noticed this year.
Best Animated or Mixed Media Film:
The Adventures of Tintin
Kung Fu Panda 2
The Muppets
Puss In Boots
Rango
Rio
aren't all movies mixed media now?
Best Documentary:
American: The Bill Hicks Story
Cave of Forgotten Dreams
The Interrupters
My Perestroika
One Lucky Elephant
Pina
Project Nim
Tabloid
Senna
Under FIre: Journalists in Combat
no comment
Best Original Screenplay:
Paddy Considine, Tyrannosaur
Rene Feret, Mozart's Sister
Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
Terrence Malick, The Tree of Life
John Michael McDonagh, The Guard
Steve McQueen & Abi Morgan, Shame
what a weird lineup. nothing against any of these nominees but. what a weird lineup. weirdness∞
Best Adapted Screenplay:
Steven Moffat and Joe Cornish & Edgar Wright, The Adventures of Tintin
Glenn Close and John Banville, Albert Nobbs
Alexander Payne and Nat Faxon & Jim Rash, The Descendants
Tate Taylor, The Help
Steve Zaillian and Aaron Sorkin, Moneyball
Lee Hall and Richard Curtis, War Horse
Best Original Score:
Soul Surfer
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2
Super 8
Drive
Water For Elephants
War Horse
Best Original Song:
"Bridge of Light" (Happy Feet 2)
"Gathering Stories" (We Bought a Zoo)
"Hello Hello" (Gnomeo and Juliet)
"Lay Your Head Down" (Albert Nobbs)
"Life is a Happy Song" (The Muppets)
"Man or Muppet" (The Muppets)
Best Cinematography:
Faust
War Horse
The Tree of Life
Hugo
The Artist
Drive
DRIVE. Hell yeah.
Best Visual Effects:
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2
Hugo
Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Super 8
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
War Horse
How you go and ignore The Tree of Life here and put in... War Horse?
Best Film Editing:
The Guard
War Horse
Drive
The Descendants
Shame
Warrior
The Descendants for editing is weird to me. No Moneyball for editing make-a me sad.
Best Sound:
Drive
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2
Super 8
The Tree of Life
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
War Horse
Best Art Direction:
Anonymous
The Artist
Faust
Hugo
Mysteries of Lisbon
Water For Elephants
Best Costume Design:
Mysteries of Lisbon
The Artist
Anonymous
Faust
Jane Eyre
Water For Elephants
Mary Pickford Award
For Outstanding Artistic Contribution To The Entertainment Industry
Mitzi Gaynor
Nikola Tesla Award
In Recognition Of Visionary Achievement In Filmmaking Technology
Douglas Trumbull
Auteur Award
Peter Bogdanovich
Humanitarian Award
Tim Hetherington (1970-2011)
Best Ensemble, Motion Picture
The Help Dreamworks/Touchstone
anyone wanna place bets on how many ensemble prizes the ladies from The Help are going to win before the season is over? anyone?
Best First Feature
Paddy Considine, Tyrannosaur Strand Releasing
omg. somebody besides JC Chandor's Margin Call won something for "first"!