Nathaniel: Readers. Welcome back to red carpet convos... It's been forever since we did one which you may interpret as Nathaniel tripping on his heels or stars not bringing it to events or, more accurately, time management issues. But I was actually on a red carpet this week so I figured it was time to reboot the series. Let's start with the glitziest red carpet which was for New Year's Eve. A carpet I was not on.
Jose: But you should've been! At least to congratulate Lea Michele for not doing one of her obnoxious red carpet faces.
Nathaniel: She seems to be going for some World Record for most photographed (2010-2011). Every time you see events like this the photographers seem to snap 100 photos of her to every 4 of anyone else. You'd think she was the star of a TV phenom or something.
Lea, Hilary, Abby, Zac, 'chelle
I love ...but I have a thing for Broadway Babies. Always have. Other things I have a thing for: plunging necklines and champagne dresses on brunettes.
Jose: I find her obnoxious but LOVE the dress and the hair. I think it's the first time where i have no objection whatsoever to how she looks. She often looks too severe and constipated, this is perfect though. Makes me want to go drink with her.
Nathaniel: Hilary wants to go with you guys. "Pick me!"
Jose: She's not invited. The two of them together would be too annoying.
Nathaniel: But, awwww, she seems so... eager.
Jose: Well she should. Isn't she doing her "forgive me for loving dictators" tour right now?
Nathaniel: I must have the concert tee!
Jose: I'm surprised she didn't show up in a Captain America costume.
Nathaniel: That makes me want to put her in a Wonder Woman outfit. Photoshop Attack! If you wrap a golden lasso around Hilary Swank think of all the truths that would spill out. "I did not deserve my second Oscar" ... "I thought Amelia was boring, too!"... "____complete the sentence in the comments_____"...
Jose: OMG Is that Abigal Breslin? When did she start looking like Nia Vardalos? I hate that she's all old now.
Nathaniel: What are you? a Hollywood executive? "Get her to a nursing home!" Jesus. She's only 15. Don't feel old, Jose. Young starlets grow up fast.
Jose: I'll want to tear my eyes out when she kisses someone in that movie! She's my Little Miss Sunshine. She shouldn't be kissing boys. I just want cute child stars to retire when they hit puberty. Unless they're Jodie Foster.
Pfeiffer, Tori Amos Tangent and War Horses of different colors (actually just one) after the jump.
Nathaniel: So what you're saying is you felt for her screen mommy SJP in that "training bra" moment in the trailer?
Jose: I guess SJP was a child star too once, right? Forgive me Abby.
Nathaniel: Your opinion is of no consequence to her when she is able to charge $16,520 an hour for acting.
Jose: Damn her and her training bra then!
Nathaniel: I respect that Abigail has avoided all child star drama to such an extent that TMZ had to resort to shuffling through contracts to write about her.
Pfeiffer, Tori Amos Tangent and War Horses of different colors (actually just one) after the jump.
Jose: LOL.
Nathaniel: I would do so many things for $16,250 an hour.
Jose: So would I, but let's not go there for the sake of your MPAA rating.
We need to talk about how amazing Michelle Pfeiffer looks.
Nathaniel: I'm just so proud that she went out in Dolce & Gabbana instead of Armani to mix it up... although I'm not sure about that human sized growth on her arm.
Jose: He looks so unkept next to her! His shoes like muddy.
Nathaniel: She's definitely well-kept. 53, bitches!
Jose: That Pfeiffer glow uglified poor Efron. I don't know why filmmakers bothered getting Charlize and Julia to play evil youth sucking queens when Michelle does it for free all the time just by standing next to them.
Nathaniel: Heh. Zac Efron is a hottie but I'm not into him. I need more than abs and pretty. You can see that anywhere on the streets of Manhattan. I need character / personality on the big screen. I've heard that they kiss in the movie (it opens today!) and I don't know what to think about that. Speaking of evil youth sucking.
Jose: Hahaha but will you go see it?
Nathaniel: Do I breathe air?
Jose: Amen. Though I recommend a loaded flask to make it through the non-Michelle scenes.
Nathaniel: I'll take the flask for her scenes, too. Dreading! I just read that it makes Valentine's Day look like Nashville. LOL + Yikes.
Jose: Somewhere Taylor Swift is crying, glowing and feeling like Lily Tomlin reading that sentence.
Nathaniel: *Doing elaborate Swiftian hand heart gesture at you*
Jose: *Reads corny lines I wrote on my arms*
Are we doing War Horse now?
Nathaniel: YES. This is a red carpet I was on. There's this funny thing about red carpets that you don't notice on the telly. The people who are invited to the premiere who are nobodies like me, walk on the same carpet but way back on the outer rim which is cordoned off so they become all these blurry figures that people like me must then crop out of the background for unblemished views of people like this!
Lizzy, Loki, Emily, Hopey, Jeremy
Jose: Did anyone scream your name?
Nathaniel: No. I'm totally going to learn ventriloquism and the next time I'm going to scream my own name.
Jose: LOL. You know they mean serious business if everyone is wearing black. Someone needs to get them out of that funereal state.
Nathaniel: Right? Even people who weren't in the movie like Lizzy Olsen came in black.
Jose: How dare they all bore us so.
Nathaniel: I was wearing dark brown slacks and a white shirt if you must know. Thanks for asking. Can we talk about Tom Hiddleston's velvety coat?
Jose: I'm not sure if I appreciate his risk-taking or expect him to pull a whip out and start his own circus act.
Nathaniel: There won't be any whipping. He is kind to the animals in War Horse. He is one of those actors who is sooooo sexy onscreen that when you see them in real life or in still photography it's always hard to convince the uninitiated of how fab they are.
Jose: Ah, good old fashioned movie magic.
Nathaniel: Yep. Like that old school alchemy with the camera. His face is just so magnetic. Every time he's in closeup in War Horse -- which is not often since nobody beyond Irvine and the horse gets a lot of screen time -- I just didn't want to look anywhere else and I wanted the whole movie to be about him. But I have to say that in real life the goatee really bugs me on him.
Jose: It looks creepy. I think I've just solved the mystery. I think Tom exchanged jackets with poor Lizzy who was cold. He is a gentleman!
Nathaniel: I'm afraid that maybe she borrows a little from her sisters in the oversized bag lady approach to fashion. But wow is she ever beautiful up close.
Spielberg made this joke about bringing War Horse "Joey" onstage for the premiere and all I could think was "Don't joke. Do it!". If you're going to hold a world premiere of a movie with actors who aren't stars yet or aren't red carpet stars, have them arrive on horseback you know. Do that and you win!
Jose: They could've borrowed the puppets from the Broadway show at least.
Nathaniel: Which was literally next door! I think basically what I'm saying is I like a good circus and I wish that Harold Zidler directed all world premiere events.
Jose: If they include dying courtesans and Ewan McGregor, count me in. In other news: I think I've just solved the mystery. I think Tom exchanged jackets with poor Lizzy who was cold. He is a gentleman!
Nathaniel: Hope Davis is wearing polka dots. Bless. Breaks up the black suit and black dress monotony.
Jose: She looks very Madonna, love it. She should've gone ALL the way and paired it with a Madge riding hat.
Nathaniel: Yes. The boots really make it., don't you think? OMG. I just realized we skipped Emily Watson which is basically what Hollywood has been doing for years.
Jose: LOL. Wasn't she in that Water Horse movie a few years ago. Maybe she thought this was a sequel?
Nathaniel: Hee. Did you ever see that movie Hilary & Jackie?
Jose: omg yes and she and Rachel Griffiths OWN in that.
Nathaniel: Am I remembering it wrong or is she as horny hot for her cello as Tori Amos is for her piano.
Jose: You sir, are right about that.
Nathaniel: I think at the time I wanted Emily to star in a Tori biopic. Tori is on my brain because I went to her concert here last week. Amazeballs. So now everything is melting together in my brain into some sort of nineties bonkers art girl stew.
I got me some War Horses,
to ride on. to ride on.
They say that your demons can't go there.So i got me some War Horses,
to ride on. to ride on.
As long as your army keeps perfectly still. ♪
Excuse me while I bust out a piano solo!
Jose: Bravo.
Nathaniel: Jeremy Irvine is cute but he has clearly never stood next to Michelle Pfeiffer as he doesn't look a day over 16. Please note. I have no idea how old he actually is. The internet is inconclusive on this point.
Jose: Ugh. I'm already worried he'll be cast in some Twilight remake four years from now. He has that corruptible look going on.
Nathaniel: He already made it. He is basically Bella to War Horse's Edward, pining away... incomplete without his better non-human half.
Jose: LOL. Disturbing.
I am such a sucker for baity movies but this one bores me so much. Call me when they make War Whores.
Nathaniel: Ha. Dibs !!!!!!! I'm starting the screenplay now. I'll invite you to the premiere.
• How badly do you want to see War Whores?
• Have you felt that Hiddleston screen magic yet?
• Can Abigail Breslin make the transition to YA stardom?
• Tori Amos bio. Are you in?
Previously on Red Carpet: Women in Hollywood event and Emmy Night magic