A genie appears offering you three wishes. One of the wishes can't be more wishes (duh!) and this genie is an Oscar queen so he demands that all three wishes be about Oscar night. Go!
Here are mine if you need a moment to think about yours...
1) That 12 Years a Slave wins Best Picture
2) That Kim Novak and Liza Minnelli's appearances go so spectacularly well that the Academy magically stops worrying about whether 14 year olds are watching and sets in motion plans to make the Oscars grander again with more living legends and classic film shoutouts that aren't as passionless as "montage celebrating ___". (Listen, genie. It's not like I'm asking that all of this minute's biggest stars share the other 364 days of the year but Oscar is one freaking night a year and it's about the grand tradition of the cinema. And you can't have grand traditions without having had a glorious past. And if you don't acknowledge the scale of that past, your tradition starts feels tremendously tiny and hollow.)
3) That someone on stages thanks The Film Experience catapulting yours truly and the site to global fame and fortune for all the thankless years of Oscar coverage (What? It's a free wish. I have to dream big because I like to be able to pay rent and eat and I want to keep doing this)