Jose here. Ah, it’s Oscar season and all movie lovers can talk about is who was snubbed or who will and should win. While basking in the glow of acclaimed movies and conversations about the merits of sound editing and screenwriting is nothing to frown upon, most people forget that new movies are released each week, yes, even during Oscar season. And yes, most of these releases are of dubious quality, but sometimes you can only watch your favorite Best Foreign Language Film nominee so many times before you want to go see something new, right?
But what to choose among the pile of critically lambasted offerings that 2015 has brought us so far? I saw a bunch of them, to bring you this concise report.
Project Almanac
Premise: A group of high school seniors discover a time machine. Chaos ensues when they discover that the more they travel back in time, the more they mess things up in the present.
You Might Like It If: You can’t get enough of found footage movies, even when it makes absolutely no sense that people would record every.single.thing.that.happens.to.them, or that GoPros and HandyCams would survive “magnetic fields” that make cars explode.
MVP: Amy Landecker of the Golden Globe-winning Transparent plays the hero’s (Jonny Weston) mom, and with very few lines makes us wish the kids would forget about recording their ridiculous lives and make the mom the star of a Cassavetes-like indie.
LVP: Jonny Weston. With killer abs and a smile to die for, not even he seems to buy the fact that he’s supposed to be this geeky loser no one would ever bother to notice. No one is opposed to killer abs and smiles to die for, but the writers should have found a way to make him more than a collection of 80s rom-com tropes.
The Boy Next Door
Premise: A sexy-but-she-doesn’t-know it high school literature teacher (Jennifer Lopez) has a fling with her psychotic 19-year-old (Ryan Guzman) neighbor, who becomes the Glenn Close to her Michael Douglas.
You Might Like It If: You just had two tequila shots, three beers and just went to see Naked Boys Singing, no wait, that’s just what I did. You might like it if you're in the mood for camp that knows it's camp.
MVP: J.Lo! She's no Meryl Streep, but she knows how to seduce the camera. Interestingly, as terrible and cheesy as the movie is, there is an undeniable pro-female element to it. Perhaps it came with JLo's contract. The film features one of the most interesting sex scenes in recent mainstream movies, because for once, it’s the woman who is in control. Without getting into too much detail, the film is concerned with giving J.Lo pleasure, so that when things go wrong for her, the tired Victorian idea that she must be punished for having sex, is at least mitigated by the notion that “hey, at least it was mind blowing sex, and her orgasm came before his!”, something that movies rarely, if ever, allow women to have.
LVP: Kristin Chenoweth doing her best Julianne Moore in The Hand That Rocks the Cradle. She doesn’t give a bad performance, but she is a Tony and Emmy winner for crying out loud. Why waste her in crappy movies.
Blackhat
Premise: Chris Hemsworth hacks computers while shirtless.
You Might Like It If: You like the idea of Chris Hemsworth hacking computers while shirtless.
MVP: Viola Davis, because duh.
LVP: Ironically, Chris Hemsworth. His ridiculously long, sinfully smooth, perfectly sculpted torso is a beauty to behold but put a shirt on him for computer talk, bank transactions and whatnot and you'll wonder how he ever got this lead role. Can Hemsworth only shine when he’s playing off stronger, more charismatic performers? Think Portman in Thor, RDJ in The Avengers, Bruhl in Rush...
Mortdecai
Premise: Even the screenwriters aren't sure! It has something to do with Johnny Depp playing an art dealer and both Gwyneth Paltrow and Olivia Munn finding him more attractive than Ewan McGregor. So: a stretch. Also, a mustache.
You Might Like It If: You haven’t lost faith in Johnny Depp. You’re a fan of Gwynnie’s British accent. You have a mustache fetish. Also, Paul Bettany plays a manservant called Jock Strapp, so there’s that.
MVP: Gwynnie. Why she does so few movies is tragic enough, but then she goes and reminds us how sexy and funny she can be, which makes one wish she chose better parts to play! As Lady Johanna Mortdecai she brings her best Grace Kelly in To Catch a Thief game, and lights the screen up. Somehow she's the only movie star in this that seems to be aware that even farce can use a little subtlety.
LVP: Depp. The reasons would warrant a post of their own.
The Loft
Premise: What if Fred McMurray’s character from Billy Wilder’s The Apartment got multiplied by five, each version more despicable than the others, and then one day they all got together to try and dispose of Shirley MacLaine’s corpse? Also, there’s no C.C. Baxter.
You Might Like It If: You understand why Karl Urban is still headlining movies.
MVP: Matthias Schoenaerts. He's playing the same part he played in the Belgian original (made by the same director in 2008), which makes sense in the limited context of making this film, but no sense at all when you remember how brilliant he was in Bullhead and Rust and Bone. This man should be fielding lead offers 24/7. Instead Hollywood hands him unimaginative supporting parts that riff on the aggressive traits he displayed in his biggest roles.
LVP: Isabel Lucas is a beautiful model. Isabel Lucas is not a actress.