08:00 I was going to boycott the show this year because of The Shark Jump Awakens but I'm an addict. Awards shows. Red Carpets... excuse me Blue carpets. So I watch. TJ Miller begins the show with an okay monologue without many jokes. The recurring joke is the physical gag of his "four dancing critics." In comedy theory this is one fo those jokes that gets funnier and funnier as it goes from the sheer commitment and silliness but it's probably too early in the evening (read: everyone is too sober) to pull this off just yet.
Suddenly picturing a team of 4 puppets typing with me. Enjoying the fantasy.
08:03 There are approximately 1000 reaction shots of Matt Damon already. Which is weird since there are so many celebrities to choose from in the house.
Netflix and Chill. I'd rather HBO Go Down on Someone."
08:05 That's a joke I laughed at. I am only human.
08:07 At some point critics are called "professional sifters"? Which hmmm. Semantic comedy? There's also an aside about Oscar Isaac that I didn't get. Miller also congratulates everyone in the room
All of you are in here. You're in the room. You already did it. you won.
I lost, I guess. I'm not in the room this year. But Kirsten Dunst and Rachel McAdams are. [More after the jump]
08:10 Fargo wins Best Movie or Limited Series. How soon can we get a gif of Kirsten Dunts happy hand dancing?
08:14 Nashville beauties announced Best Ensemble. Critics Choice goes to Spotlight. Rachel McAdams brings the real Sacha Pfeiffer who she played in the movie to the stage.
08:18 Commercial Break. Amy Schumer is either giving directions to or taking a selfie with a very confused Lily Tomlin. Or perhaps both at once to save time.
08:24 The host visits Amy Schumer at her table and says "Don't be funnier than the host". This is not a requet Amy Schumer could obey if she tried.
08:26 Supporting Actor goes to Sylvester Stallone in Creed. Wanna bet he starts with Ryan Coogler and Michael B Jordan and learned from this Globes mistake. "Before I get in any more trouble..." Yep, here it goes.
08:31 Leading Actress in a Leading Role for Supporting Actress Goes to Alicia Vikander in The Danish Girl. She seems genuinely surprised. She tries to go back to her seat but the corraler
08:34 They list a bunch of awards that are not presented onstage including a slew of them for Mad Max: Fury Road which takes all three major Action Film prizes). Why did they create so many awards to attract celebrities to a televised awards show only to then not present the awards on stage thus dulling the chances that the celebrities would actually deign to show up to maybe win them? I'll wait here for an answer.
08:39 Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series gotes to Mayim Bialik for Big Bang Theory. "I've actually never won anything." I initially typed Bing Bong Theory and now I would rather be watching Inside Out.
08:42 Commercial Pee Break.
08:47 I am guessing that TJ Miller is going to get terrible reviews but I'm kind of weirdly into his super modest jokes like this bit that goes on forever about the difficulty of opening envelopes.
08:48 SciFi Horror Movie goes to Ex-Machina.
Shot of Rami Malek smiling, because he can also play a good robot.
08:50 Best Young Actor/Actress in a Movie goes to Jacob Tremblay
The reaction shots of grown women oohing and aahing over how cute he is are almost as cute as he is.
I know just where to put this. On the shelf right next to my Millenium Falcon.
Can Jacob Tremblay give everyone's acceptance speeches from now on please #CriticsChoice
— jon. (@prasejeebus) January 18, 2016
08:56 Commercial Break
09:00 Actor in a Comedy Series goes to Jeffrey Tambor in Transparent
Such a great performance. And such an incredible second season. Nice short succinct speech with beautiful gratitude to the trans community
09:07 Commercials.
09:13 Leading Actress as a Supporting Actress in Drama Series goes to Constance Zimmer from UNReal
She's perfect on that show. Damn that was a good lineup of mostly actual supporting actresses though. Jaime Camil presented. How has he not won anything ever for Jane the Virgin? He's just delightful on that show.
09:19 TJ Miller is sitting onstage performing an exorcism of a terrible review he once received.
09:21 Side note: Judd Apatow does a mostly successful bit about dramas pretending to be comedies for his category. "Go F*** Yourself" But he ruins it with a racist aside about qualifying for Foreign Film since they had an Asian actor in their movie. Oy. But at least he gets a dig in at the Critics Choice Awards for their fake ass awards to get celebrities there. Ouch. This was all to introduce Amy Schumer for something called the MVP Award... which incidentally we did not vote on as BFCA members.
09:31 During Amy Schumer's very very long acceptance speech (which feels like that moment where you know you're expected to be "on" but have no patience for it playing to your crowd but every once in a while you remember you're disappointing them so you amp it up. You know that feeling?) there is a reaction shot of Saoirse Ronan reminding us that she is there. Thanks control booth!
09:35 Commercial break in which I shall forage for snacks. You?
09:37 Best Actress in a TV Miniseries or Movie goes to Kirsten Dunst Fargo.
More handwaves from Kiki. Where are my gifs internet! Somehow her acceptance speech is EXACTLY how I always imagined she'd give one. Super short, briefly giddy, then a 'byeeeee later' vibe because, you know, it's boring to talk when you can be hanging out with friends at a table.
09:39 TV Reality Show goes to The Voice. Seriously Reality Show awards hogging my movie star time? Not cool. Not cool.
09:47 There was some bit with TJ Miller losing to himself and accepting something for a talking bear movie? I didn't get it.
09:48 Best Director goes to George Miller for Mad Max Fury Road. OMG it's the "wives/breeders" from Mad Max Fury Road accepting on his behalf! Zoë Kravitz stars than hands it over to Rosie WiththeLong-Hyphenated Name.
09:54 Commercial Break
09:56 The Genius Award goes to a showreel of ILM. Which means longer commercial break for me. I'm making pierogis since I finally remembered to buy apple sauce.
10:04 Ho hum. Bored now. They just listed a million awards that aren't televiszzzzzz
10:07 Best Actress in a Comedy Amy Schumer for Trainwreck. Lily Tomlin stops her for conversation on her way up to the stage. Then she says "Lily should've won" Respect! Schumer rescues the interminable speech from earlier by making this a dumb tribute to her shut-in sister. Funny stuff. Kirsten Dunst loves it.
10:11 Best Actor in a Comedy goes to Christian Bale in The Big Short who is hilarious in that movie...
...
er...
well...
okay it is a comedy but Bale's part is drama. This is why the drama / comedy distinctions are so strange at awards shows.
10:12 Bale seems much more relaxed than in years past. Maybe because he didn't have to destroy his body with the yo-yo stuff on this movie?
10:15 Aziz Anzari says that actors who say they don't read reviews are liars because good reviews give them huge boners. Best Comedy Movie goes to The Big Short. Adam McKay asks us not to judge his collaborative love with Christian Bale after an embrace. Very short speech and we're off to commercial break. The BFCA likes to brag about how "this and that winner went on to win the Oscar" but basically with 40+ awards there's a pretty good chance they'll get their predictions covered. Consider if a miracle occurs and Mad Max wins Best Picture at hte Oscars? The BFCA nominated Mad Max in three different Best Picture categories at this show and it already won one so they can still say "went on to win the Oscar!"
10:24 Best Actress in a Drama Series goes to Carrie Coon the Leftovers. WOW. What a pleasant surprise. One of the most interesting things about Television prizes from organization to organization is they don't seem to feel the need to predict Emmys. Why cant we have that with movie awards and the Oscars?
10:28 Best Actress goes to Brie Larson in Room. Brie is not there so Orlando Bloom accepts on her behalf.
10:29 William Shatner has been in a little booth announcing awards they didnt' televise. Outlander wins "bingeworthy" which is an award the public votes on containing both new and old series -- mostly new but somehow Friends is nominated -- because it's fun to have People's Choice Awards during something called "Critics Choice". It makes so much narrative sense. Also: I love Outlander so this is not about that.
10:31 Commercials. I recently realized I had forgotten to turn the oven so the pierogis are not yet in my belly.
10:49 LOL. I forgot I was live blogging. That's how bewitching the show was. Best Actor in a Drama Series went to Rami Malek and Best Actor went to Leonardo DiCaprio for The Revenant. Drama Series went to Mr Robot and Comedy Series went to Master of None.
10:55 Sharon Stone presents the final award in a pinkish dress (weird color for her). It's so weird to see Carol clips interspersed with all these inferior movies. Spotlight wins Best Picture. As the credits roll Matt Damon is the first to hop from his seat like 'get me outta here!'
FINIS