by Nick Davis
Why did I hack into Isabelle Huppert's e-mails? I mean, I do feel bad about it, and I didn't even swipe that much. But if forced to state my reasons:
1. On a long Friday night, I was innocently taking a writing break from some essay revisions, only to discover that everybody is still all about digging into everybody's emails. So, right there, I can plead temporary insanity... though I admit it made me curious if there's anyone whose e-mails I would illicitly want to read.
2. During the same writing break, I was confronted with the info that Nathaniel and Jessica Chastain, who are now on bestie/hugging terms, had spent the day cooing to each other about Isabelle Huppert, as sensible people do. And then I thought: well, there's someone whose e-mails are probably pretty interesting...
3. Hillary and Isabelle were already linked in my mind because right after my friend Anna and I saw Elle, which is amazing, but still not as amazing as Isabelle's other current movie, Anna turned to me and reflected about the protagonist, "She was so incredibly controlling. She really wanted to master everything around her, including her own rape. I think this movie is about who Donald Trump thinks Hillary Clinton is: power-mad, successful, disliked even by her own underlings, amoral, sexually debased but somehow complicit in that debasement." Which is pretty genius. (This is the director's cut of Anna's comment, which I had to abbreviate for Twitter.)
4. Once I became interested in Isabelle's private correspondence, it was just a short leap to the idea that I should visit WikiLeaks, which is such an uncontaminated, unimpeachable, undisturbing source for blithely unfiltered stolen goods information that the whole world needs.
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I was disappointed to only find two e-mails from Isabelle, but hey, that's two more than I found from Trump or Putin! Which is the kind of thing that really makes you think. Anyway, technically they hacked her e-mails and I only made fair use of what they had provided, with their famously excellent, morally pristine ethos of customer service. I'm sure if I keep digging, I'll find more, and then we can really know what went down on that Huckabees set. But for now, we'll have to pore with rabbinical care over these texts and glean every nuance and morsel we can from them. Oh, but one more thing! --
5. I am happy that, having now ascertained Isabelle's e-mail address as well as Paul Verhoeven's, I can contact them directly about my brilliant post-screening epiphany.
First, I'm gonna need Verhoeven to remake all his movies with Huppert: Isabelle as Catherine Trammell. As head starship trooper. As RoboCop.
— Nick Davis (@NicksFlickPicks) October 21, 2016