by Nathaniel R
Since Boba Fett is too boring to look at here's a cute pic of Harrison Ford, his ass, and Chewbacca from Return of the Jedi (1983)
I've always been convinced that the world's inexplicable Boba Fett fandom is entirely thanks to Harrison Ford's panicked funny line reading in Return of the Jedi (1983) "Boba Fett?! Boba Fett?! Where??" wherein the bounty hunter character appears for a hot second before Han Solo accidentally dispatches him. But really, even that doesn't quite explain it. It's like building a huge fandom around that cocky swordsman that Indiana Jones takes down in one of Raiders of the Lost Ark's funniest surprises, you know?
As you've undoubtedly heard, the helmeted hunter is now getting his own "A Star Wars Story" style movie courtesy of Disney and director James Mangold (Logan). This news seems incredibly dumb. Such a blank character. Or, to put it in funnier terms...
I hope the Boba Fett prequel will dramatically change the way we think about a guy who did nothing and fell in a hole.
— Brian Collins (@BrianWCollins) May 24, 2018
Teehee!
If we absolutely must have Star Wars "story" movies on the side of the "official" Star Wars "episodes," why him? I'm not actually joking when I say that I think all five of these characters from Boba's big movie (Return of the Jedi* do not acknowledge the prequels. It would be best if we all forgot them and their midichlorian nonsense) would be better choices for solo movies in that they'd force potential Star Wars teams into new more off-the-beaten-path directions (and isn't that what a sidebar franchise should be for?) to come up with a story and all quadrant adventures.
01 Mon Mothma
She was a military leader before Star Wars even recognized that women existed who weren't princesses or slavegirls (That's the early Star Wars iteration of ye olde virgin/whore male hangup dichotomy). What's HER story? How did she get that far? Was she someone the future General Leia Organa idolized as a young girl? Her exterior is all stuffy British business but she rocks her modest white gowns and we're willing to bet that her interior is fiery and fierce.
02 Oola
How did she end up a dancing slavegirl to Jabba the Hut? Didn't we see a Jedi who looked like her in the prequels? Perhaps she is that jedi's sisters but she made terrible choices or took her love of the dance too far. Is she the Star Wars galaxy's own Cassie? "Won't forget, can't regret | What I did for love
| What I did for love | What I did for love ". OOLA: A CAUTIONARY TALE.
03 Bib Fortuna
The first gay in that galaxy far far away and a long time ago. And a chubby chaser to boot! Jabba's creepily-devoted majordomo is intelligent and begging for his own Remains of the Day. What's he repressing? What skeletons are in his closet. What do Twi'lek skeletons actually look like? What political machinations led the giant slug crime lord to trust him?
04 Admiral Ackbar
OSCAR BAIT MILITARY DRAMA
05 Sy Snootles
But only if it's made with puppets, NC-17, and the studio gives some madman or madwoman auteur carte blanche. I read on Wookieepedia that this singer was actually Jabba the Hut's uncle's lover. And I'm sorry but how does that work.
I would actually line up for all of these movies out of enormous curiousity but I have no interest in a Boba Fe---zzzzz.
IN RELATED NEWS: There is actually a Star Wars sidebar movie out right now and Chris reviewed it. (I liked it a bit more than he did and think it's vastly superior to the drudgery that was Rogue One.)
* I do not acknowledge the prequels. It would be best if we all forgot them and their midichlorian garbage nonsense.