Paraphrasing Alyssa Edwards, the RuCaps are back back back back back again. For the next few months, Nick Taylor and Cláudio Alves will be following RuPaul’s Drag Race season sixteen…
Since Queen Bey won't do it, Sapphira Cristál provides her own RENAISSANCE visuals.
NICK: Okay, let me just say this to the readers right off the bat: These will not be as lengthy as they were last year, god willing. This is a challenge, a plea, a threat made to us, by us, for us. We are back, and we promise that no matter how long it takes us to finish, we’re gonna go over these episodes with so much depth, such thoroughness, that your heads will spin off your fucking necks. At least the split premiere means we don’t have to jump out of the gate evaluating fifteen queens. I for one enjoyed meeting half of this season’s contestants, all of whom seem entertaining and eager to be there. What did you think of season 16’s debut?
CLÁUDIO: First of all, I make no such promises cum threats. I know us and our propensity for verbal diarrhea so that just seems like an invitation for disappointment. We’re two size queens at heart, and we might as well accept it…
Regarding the episode proper, I did enjoy the split premiere format. Hell, I even liked the Rate-a-Queen twist. Along with the Golden Beaver in Canada’s Drag Race season 4, it’s nice to see production attempt format tweaks within reason - no Willy Wonka Bosco-saving nonsense. Still, judging the incoming season based on just this hour feels precocious. At the very least, we know that there won’t be the Best Friends of Weho to eat away at the episode’s running time. Thank heaven for small blessings.
NICK: I am willing to try, and to write down that I am going to try. If Nathaniel or the readers make us lip sync for our lives about the write-up length, I know who’s to blame.
The format tweaks look very promising from here, though I’ll be a bit skeptical about how well they’ll work until we get to see them in action. Hopefully the rate-a-queen schtick won’t be present all season, but I’m curious to see it deployed on an elimination episode. That’ll answer “Who should go home tonight, and why?” pretty succinctly. But that’s diving into the meat of the episode before we’ve even started. Cláudio, shall we meet the queens?
CLÁUDIO: First in the werkroom is Kansas City’s Q, a Jack of all trades whose seamstress skills are instantly intimidating. Her outfit’s fierce, the shape is right, and the mug is…fine. I’m not sure why, but I’m not vibing with her makeup. Maybe I want more stylized features or, at least, a bigger eye. Right now, she’s all cheekbones and square jaw. It feels incongruent with her vampy costumes and general presentation.
Still, she seems like she’ll go far, and Q was one of the few bitches with a memorable photo out of that stupid shoot mini-challenge. She wasn’t the funniest in her rapport with Mama Ru, but you can’t have everything. Remember when they had actual photographers doing these? Those were the days.
NICK: Oh, you’re telling me this mini-challenge didn’t fulfill your Juergen Teller fantasies? It’s a silly task, but sometimes one has to serve even in the most inopportune circumstances, and Q did just that. I agree her mug is fully outpaced by her persona and her own garments, but that seems like a fair trade-off for being able to make such incredible outfits. She knows she’s intimidating, but she’ll let her skill do the talking.
;)
Up next is Xunami Muse, daughter of Kandy, who has the inverse problem you described with Q. Her mug is simply gorgeous, in and out of drag, but her entrance look is not all that. Love the huge shoulders and the cape, but this was probably the least interesting outfit of the bunch. I do like her picture with the rake! She’s gathering those leaves like she’s gonna gather those hoes.
CLÁUDIO: Those Muse girls are always entertaining, so I have great hopes for Miss Xunami. Still, that choice of powder blue organza with a dove grey jumpsuit is puzzling. Let’s hope her fashion is better than what she showed this episode, but more on that later.
;)
Next comes Amanda Tori Meating, winner of the “Bitch with Best Name” Award. And her personality seems just as fun.
Sadly, the drag isn’t up to par, from a midriff nude illusion that kept bunching up to a mediocre mug. The eyes are the biggest issue, with a crease that’s very round and stretched vertical, a compact brow that makes it all look too small and lost. Then there’s the breastplate - oh dear, the breastplate.
NICK: The breastplate line is unfortunate! I look forward to seeing her figure out how to make up her face, especially since her bone structure is so impeccable - lotta raw material there! I like the simple yet striking color palette of her outfit and makeup, and the voluptuousness of her padding. Plus, whatever else you can say about her, Amanda has energy to spare.
;)
Up next is Morphine Love Dion, who is so cute and pink and round she very well could be Kirby. The mug is stamped, and her entrance look makes her into a doll, but there’s something a bit self-contained about it to me? Morphine’s look is absolutely the least “big” of the other girls, but she clearly knows who she is and how to present herself.
CLÁUDIO: In drag, she’s a beautiful Latina fashion doll, Kali Uchis by MGA. And, to quote Paul McCallion, out of drag she looks like she runs a Sephora like it’s the navy. For now, I’m charmed. I’m not just saying that because I’m afraid the bitch, like Kirby, can swallow existence itself. Spare me, Mother Morphine, spare me.
;)
WINNER ENERGY! That’s what flashed on my mind as Philly queen Sapphira Cristál made her entrance into the werkroom and the fandom’s hearts. She’s regal with a face glowing gold, the runaway winner of the premiere from the minute her voice echoes through the studio halls. That said, am I crazy for thinking her photoshoot performance wasn’t all that?
NICK: I would have given the photoshoot prize to a different queen, but Sapphira’s poise and grandeur are ridiculously captivating. She’s rocking those royal blue like she’s the first person to wear them. I also love how her assuredness is spiked with some very bawdy comedic instincts - she’s not afraid to look the fool or be silly, and that’s not a trait every diva possesses.
Up next is Mirage, a Las Vegas native drenched in neon. Morphine’s melted crayon box comment is the best word on this entrance look. Mirage’s drag persona and her confessionals convey a good-natured airhead who has more going on than she’s initially given credit for, which her crazy (but miraculously not garish) outfit conveys pretty well.
CLÁUDIO: I think it’s a little garish, but not in a bad or accidental way. It’s very much a spin on Y2K mall drag, as if she were a Vegas showgirl styled to fit into a new Josie and the Pussycats cartoon—also, a hottie out of drag.
Last but not least, Dawn is a woodland creature from somewhere in the kingdom of Brooklyn. Her mug is as magical as her waist is tiny, and in a few minutes, she’s already a strong candidate for “fan favorite.” If the pussy joy wasn’t enough, she’s hilarious in the mini-challenge, advocating for critter voting rights and stalking after Love Connie. At the very least, I was won over, and not just because I want her confessional knits.
NICK: Dawn should have absolutely won the mini-challenge, if only for chasing Love Connie out of that stage neighborhood. She’s hysterical, playing those props like nobody’s business and working her damndest to make Ru bust a gut. The mug is incredible, the hair is ginormous, the style is delightfully kooky even by the show’s standards for ostentatious oddballs. She’s a total delight from minute one.
Once the gang’s assembled, RuPaul delivers a pre-recorded welcome message before stepping into the werkroom, serving train conductor realness. I personally would have gone with “yacht captain,” though that might trigger some bad Triangle of Sadness memories for you, Cláudio. Ru greets her girls with giggling gusto, and they in turn receive her reveal rapturously.
CLÁUDIO: You can’t hurt me with your Östlund reference. One day, you’ll pay Vincent Lindon. Just you wait!
TRIANGLE OF SADNESS or BANANAS IN PYJAMAS? You decide.
Anyway, for me, it was more Bananas in Pyjamas cosplay with gloves repurposed as a cunty neckerchief. Mama is present to introduce the main challenge and a new twist. Elaborating on what we mentioned earlier: They’ll compete in an MTV-inspired Talent show, followed by a “RuVeal Yourself” runway. At the end, the queens will rank each other preferential-ballot-style, with the ultimate winner earning herself immunity.
Lists and awards season-esque shenanigans - that’s gay heaven right there.
NICK: In comes Academy Award winner Charlize Theron with homemade baked goods??? I know I’d be gagged if I were in their shoes, especially if I had maybe a quarter of my face on. And they all seemed to know who she is, which was cool! Remember how the All-Stars 7 cast definitely totally knew who Janicza Bravo was?
Anyways, the cast has a really lovely interaction with Charlize, who praises them for their confidence and individuality amidst so much highly politicized bullshit surrounding efforts to outlaw drag queens and queer bodies in the US. In turn, the queens were incredibly moved by such a goddess commending their bravery, and thanked her for her advocacy and for her delicious pastries. I want the recipe!
Trust the process!
CLÁUDIO: I love how Charlize Theron shows up looking almost unreal while the queens are caught mid-transformation. Every time they cut to Dawn’s clownish sketch, I couldn’t help but giggle. That girl’s the definition of “trust the process.”
NICK: Charlize swans away, leaving a halo of light in her absence. From here, the queens continue the heart-to-heart conversations they were already having. The biggest piece of history is likely Morphine’s confession that her parents don’t know she does drag even though they all live together. Morphine admits she has no idea how to tell her parents about her career, especially since Drag Race will inevitably out her. That’s a weird situation to be in, and I hope she figures out her relationship with her folks soon! Her parents also didn’t notice she got a BBL, which is kinda funny! It’s even funnier when Sapphira’s natural thiccness shows up Morphine’s enhancements.
CLÁUDIO: After that, it’s finally time for the main stage! Mama Ru comes dressed like an ethereal sherbet swirl, and she looks fabulous. Michelle Visage has flowers over her girls, and Carson is bedazzled, as he should be. Together with Theron, they form this episode’s judging panel, ready to watch the latest Talent Show. And look who’s hosting! Welcome back Derrick Barry.
NICK: Derrick’s rocking that MTV Spring Break realness with a sunburned face, a can-do attitude, and a twinkle in her eye. I don’t love Ms. Barry, but she looked good for her very negligible MC duties - between this and her appearance in season 11, she’s a reliable sight gag. Do you think they recorded her introducing all the girls at the same time?
The Talent Show itself is entertaining, if not necessarily inspired. I appreciate queens like Luxx Noir London highlighting how writing, choreographing, recording vocals, and performing a 60-second bop is much more difficult and time-consuming than it looks, but from this viewer’s perspective it can all just feel like white noise if there’s too many of them. Mirage’s heel-clacking bitch track was my favorite of those by a good bit. Dawn introduced herself quite well, and Amanda’s number has proven the biggest ear-worm, especially with her kinetic movements and facial expressiveness. She looked a hot mess, but she’s proven more memorable than Morphine’s well-executed sexuality and Xunami’s lyric-heavy, low-energy performance.
CLÁUDIO: I completely agree - down with the bitch-tracks!
Of the lot, Xunami and Morphine are the most forgettable, while Amanda is at least memorable in her chaos. Dawn succeeds as a distinctive introduction to her brand, and Mirage earns points for technical accomplishment. It was a mistake to invoke the memory of Anetra in the lyrics, but I was impressed by how smoothly the showgirl transitioned from pose to pose. Doing an exotic dancer routine, she showcased more grace than many so-called dancing queens in the show’s herstory.
This is all preamble to the Talent Show top two, the only bitches that avoided the lipsync route. Q’s bunraku cum vaudeville “ballet” is inspired, wholly unexpected and instantly unforgettable. If possible, Sapphira was even better, presenting opera-singing skills with a bawdy drag twist. Her humor elevates her above other lyrical singing divas of the past, like Monet and Juriji, making for something more spectacular than mere technical dazzlement. Plus, she made Ru laugh - we all know how important that is.
NICK: Listen, I’m not gonna just casually say anyone outdid Monet’s operatic heights, but Sapphira’s technical excellence and horniness are fantastic. Love her gesturing at Ru when she sings “Oh my father”, and how immediate her response it when Ru asks why she was the one being called father. Hysterical. Q’s puppet playhouse was, if anything, even stupider in the best way. The ridiculous movements of her doll body and her expressions are so on point. We love pristine divas who can be so stupid. So, so camptastically stupid.
After these miracles comes the runway. Category is: RuVeal Yourself!
First out of the gate is Morphine Love Dion, who goes from a beach towel ensemble to a deliciously tight bathing suit. The mug is, again, stamped to perfection, aided tremendously by those vintage sunglasses. I like the towel headwrap more than the outfit underneath, which isn’t particularly exciting on its own, but she looks good.
CLÁUDIO: Love her paint, but this is too basic. The outfits tell me very little about her specificity as a queen, and it just looks rough all around. Those fraying, unfinished edges on the towel are especially bad. There’s not a hem in sight.
;)
Dawn comes next, serving abominable snow man realness. Or, at least, she does so initially. Dropping her Yeti furs, she reveals a sexier take on the same premise, like some sort of monstrous bride. The mug remains magnificent, and the cheeky humor is very welcome. My favorite detail might be the touch of red, the blood cascade and the pretty bow on the rear.
NICK: Compared to Morphine, Dawn does a really great job of telling us who she is through her look. The different shades of purple in her makeup and her giant wig are simply to die for, and she does a fantastic job of adding feminine sexuality to outré, androgynous concepts. Bonus points for having the only reveal where the silhouette is as large or larger than the original piece.
;)
In a very different way, Amanda Tori Meating’s outfit is also a fantastic statement. I love the concept of a sexy alien hiding under the guise a demure housewife, and the cloth-sack mask of the outer look is a hoot. All that being said, the execution of alien look is so rough. The cramped makeup doesn’t serve the concept at all. And is she wearing skin-tone leggings and sleeves, or did she simply not paint the rest of her body to match her Purple People Eater face paint? Either way, it makes the outfit look rougher than it already is.
CLÁUDIO: Brilliant idea, bad execution. Though, the moment when she first appeared, lost her wig, and immediately retreated to start again was one of the episode’s funniest bits.
;)
Still, I’ll always prefer a fascinating mess to bland mediocrity. Xunami Muse’s runway is the latter, a trio of outfits that say nothing about her drag and do little to dazzle the audience. It’s just a sequence of safe looks without a story to tell past some notion of outerwear to cocktail to bedroom. Adding insult to injury, her last look kept riding up, and she noticeably struggled to keep it in place. This needed another fitting before it was ready for primetime.
NICK: Her first look was my favorite, though for the life of me I don’t know what that fabric is called. Velour? Velvet? Red Sparklington? Anyways, snazzy as hell, with diminishing returns. Everything being the same shade of red flattens it, too.
;)
From the most boring to the peak of the night, Q’s was absolutely my favorite runway. The silhouette is just to die for, with those feathery, almost insectile protrusions and that giant cape. And she’s drenched in so much glitter! It’s a smart reveal too, not quite showing a new look but a new dimension to the outfit we were already awed by. Q looks like a cunty butterfly with her wingspan spread.
CLÁUDIO: I wouldn’t be surprised if this ended as one of my favorite lewks of the season. It’s incredible, from its use of different textures to add dimensionality to the mug. Forget what I said about her entrance makeup. She’s serving on all fronts.
Mirage’s outfit has plenty of sparkle and different textures, too. However, it’s not nearly as stunning, looking intermittently gorgeous when modeled just so. When not in striking pose, this showgirl variation is awkward - almost the opposite of her Talent Show performance. What I love most is the color combination, which feels unusual for the Drag Race stage. Also, kudos for having a functional and well-proportioned breastplate.
NICK: I love how Mirage looks like a bouquet when she’s all wrapped up in her feathers. The tits-forward reveal is a fun surprise, but I wanted more than what this outfit ultimately gave me.
;)
Who can we say is responsible for what feels like a new wave of breastplate sight gags on the main stage? Is it the beautiful, jiggly jugs Yara Sofia and Jessica Wild shared on their All-Stars runs? This feels like a trend in the same way past queens would predominantly answer the “reveal” challenge by showing their entire ass. Anyways, Sapphira Cristál’s opera cape entrance is to die for, but the subsequent purple garment and the one-piece under that were not my favorite. Those were some tiny tiddies too, especially when her figure is otherwise padded so perfectly.
CLÁUDIO: I’m not as fond of the first outfit as you are. Unlike her opera coat from earlier, it looks shapeless, a project that got out of the seamstress’s control. However, I appreciate how she’s working with sartorial modulations of that regal/ridiculous thing she’s got going on.
But the tits, oh the tits. I blame Jimbo for the trend, though hers are always gigantic while Sapphira’s feel lost in her frame. Moreover, they came undone multiple times in the episode, which, though charming, was also a tad sloppy.
Even the judges took notice of those itty bitty titties in their assessments. Not that any of the critiques were especially pointed this first week. Theron, in particular, seemed intent on praising without reservation. In the end, I think you appreciated that more than I did.
NICK: There were not necessarily a lot of constructive criticism from Miss Theron, but I appreciate that she found something nice to say without sounding fake. You can tell she was really awed by these queens. The rest of the judges had decent critiques for the queens, the kind of shady but not totally demeaning remarks meant to inspire bitches who (surprise!) we’re not going to lip sync for their lives.
However, Ru announces she will not be deciding the winner(s) of this week’s challenge. Instead, final judgements will be decided by the queens themselves. The Academy’s preferential balloting system for deciding Best Picture has been transformed into Rate-A-Queen, where each queen must rank the other contestants from best to worst. All of the queens are suspicious of unspecified strategic maneuvers from the other girls, but everyone plays it pretty fair! Q and Sapphira seemingly win the challenge handily.
CLÁUDIO: In the end, justice prevails. And since there’s no bottom, the other girls can breathe a sigh of relief. I assume Amanda and Xunami would have been on the chopping block otherwise.
The premiere’s lipsync is to Beyoncé “Break My Soul,” a tune that must have cost production a pretty penny. But hey, this is the sort of shit one expects now that they’re on MTV. Overall, it’s a fine duet, though Q tends to disappear when faced with Hurricane Sapphira. Even when the titties pop off, she manages to make it a winning move, bouncing them off the floor in the episode’s most iconic moment. It’s messy as fuck, but Sapphira earns this victory.
NICK: It’s not the best lipsync, but they both do solid work. Sapphira utilizing her own mess so productively is some trouper shit. Q’s outfit glittering like a disco ball did a lot of work to make her captivating. Sapphira’s the clear winner, and I’m so fascinated to see how the Immunity prize is used. They have it in their back pocket for presumably any future challenge? How many challenges are going to give them immunity? What happened to Alyssa Edward’s to end this curse? I’m so curious how this mechanic is going to work. But even more than that, I’m excited to see how this season progresses. The queens are fab, and talking about the show with you is always a dream.
What did you think of this episode, TFE readers? Is the premiere everything you hoped for and more? Tell us in the comments, and join us next week for the second part of the RuPaul’s Drag Race season sixteen premiere!