by Ben Miller
WHITE CHRISTMAS (1954) Michael Curtiz | © Paramount Pictures
In my house, few Christmas traditions persevere more than my wife's annual viewings of 1954's White Christmas. From a few days after Thanksgiving, up until Christmas day, three yearly screenings are par for the course. With such an ingrained viewing experience, I feel uniquely qualified to power rank the songs and performances from Irving Berlin's holiday classic...
11) CHOREOGRAPHY
For a film with as many musical numbers as this film has, it's a near impossible feat to have them all land. While White Christmas has an extremely high batting average, the "Choreography" number is a clear dud among the group. Danny Kaye spends the entire film hamming it up to no end, but this number goes a step to far with his buffoonery. Vera-Ellen and John Brascia try their best to salvage it with various feats of dancing athleticism and style, but it's just too much to overcome. The song isn't great, the theme isn't great, and it's the clear last place among this group.
10) THE OLD MAN
For everything this film is known for, male sensitivity and love are not one of those things that first come to mind. That being said, the entire premise runs on Wallace and Davis (Kaye and Bing Crosby) scheming to lift the business and spirits of their former commanding General (Oscar-winner Dean Jagger). In the film's opening scene, when a variety show is discovered in a forward position in World War II by the general, they decide to give him a proper send-off with a march-inspired ballad about how much they love him. Literally, the phrase, "Because we love him/we love him" is a vital line. While it's a memorable ditty in the opening, it also neatly bookends the film as the main pair reveal their scheme to the General in front of a group of his former troops. It might not have any theatricality or dancing prowess, it's still a touchingly sweet moment between manly men.
09) WHITE CHRISTMAS
I know, I know. This is blasphemous, but there are a few good reasons for this placement. First off, the song won an Oscar back in 1942 for Holiday Inn. It was already a holiday standard by this point, despite being the title song. Secondly, the film ends on the characters plainly performing on-stage in some truly incredible costumes (by Edith Head, naturally), but there is no performance. It looks like a high school production. Everything else has some natural energy and rhythm to it, but they just perform the song as the film comes to a quiet conclusion. This isn't a knock on the song, or the performance. The film is chalked full of better performances and scenes.
08) WHAT CAN YOU DO WITH A GENERAL?
At the beginning of the final act, Crosby's Bob Wallace appeals to the troops of his former regiment to help out the aforementioned General. In order to do this, Wallace pops on the television show of his fellow soldier Ed Harrison (clearly modelled after Ed Sullivan). Bob sings this little croony-song about how generals devote themselves to everything on the battlefield but have no use in modern society. It's a clear one-man showcase for Crosby, which he sells like few others can; blue eyes glistening through the television screens. It also serves as a plot turn for his relationship with Betty Haynes (Rosemary Clooney), who previously thought Bob was exploiting the General for personal gain. It might not be the flashiest, but it might be the most plot important of the film.
07) GEE, I WISH I WAS BACK IN THE ARMY
While Wallace & Davis are lauded as these dynamite performers as a pair, until the last ten minutes, we don't really see them work together alone on stage. While we don't get a ton of it during this number, you get a glimpse of why they would be so successful. Crosby does his straight man and Kaye bellows out "Ya-hey!" in between verses, only to break into perfect harmony. This is easily one of the most fun songs of the film as the pair sing about the good-ole-days of Army life. Eventually the Haynes sisters join them on stage for a charming four-part song, complete with an unrealistically ornate contraption showing the four in civilian situations. It might not have the flash of other productions, but it's the one that most closely resembles what an actual stage show might look like.
06) SNOW
Following their initial meeting, Bob and Phil board a train towards New York, only for Phil to take a detour to Pine Tree, Vermont in order to follow the girls and marry off Bob to Betty. Sitting up in the club car, the men are joined by the ladies as they sit in a booth and sing about their favorite winter weather. It's another charm-fest with all four never moving from their seats, but still managing to talk about building snowmen, performing a bouncing pantomime, and even making a quick diaorama of a snow-covered mountain using napkins and table decorations. The four also make confident work of a four-part harmony, each getting their chance to shine by themselves, and as part of the whole.
05) LOVE, YOU DIDN'T DO RIGHT BY ME
Rosemary Clooney had her fair share of showcases as a part of the group, but for this scene, she takes the reigns as the star. And what a star she is! Dressed in another bit of Edith Head perfection, she stands confidently on stage while singing the tune of love's lament to a yearning Bob in the crowded bar room. She might not be bouncing around stage (or frankly, even be a capable dancer), but her command of the material while flanked with turtlenecked male backup dancers (including Oscar-winner George Chakiris), she dominates the stage, and the song. It might not be the flashiest number, but it might be the best single-song performance.
04) COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS (INSTEAD OF SHEEP)
Much of White Christmas is pure spectacle. At the same time, it knows when to slow things down and take a breath. Phil and Judy's scheming is finally starting to pay off as Bob and Betty share a late-night sandwich and buttermilk in front of a fire in the hotel. Bob coolly croons a tune about his trick to falling asleep when the world gets you down, as Betty pines into his big blue eyes. Not only is it effortlessly sweet and disarming, Irving Berlin earned the film's lone Oscar nomination for Best Original Song. No frills, no tricks, just a pleasantly great song sung by a master.
03) THE BEST THINGS HAPPEN WHILE YOU'RE DANCING
Vera-Ellen might be the least acclaimed of the main foursome, but she certainly shouldn't be. Not only does she take the opportunity to dance her absolute ass off, she shows how many leagues ahead she is of Kaye, who is a fine dancer himself. She is a technical marvel, never putting a foot, hand, or hip in the wrong spot. It helps that the song has a variety of rhythm and speed changes which allow for a medley of dance varieties. This scene provides a shift in reality for the film, as we now know song and dance could breakout inorganically at any moment. Why is there a boat dock with a zipline? Why are they dancing on an overturned boat? Are Kaye's shoes the same color as his suit? Who cares? It's too charming to make a difference. Bonus points for the final move from Ellen as she trips over Kaye's leg but never misses a beat before being caught in a dip. A true master at work.
02) MINSTREL NUMBER
I contemplated having it at number one. This one has absolutely everything. Crosby having fun, Kaye hamming, Clooney looking regal, preposterous art direction, costumes that make you want to puke, the avoidance of blackface, and Vera-Ellen at the absolute top of her game. At this point in the film, Wallace & Davis decide to bring their whole Broadway show to Vermont in order to help the General. They disguise this by using it as an excuse to rehearse. The minstrel number begins with Crosby and Kaye having a brief intro song "I'd Rather See a Minstrel Show" before introducing a Suspiria-coded set and bringing in backup dancers and Clooney for a little comedy song called "Mr. Bones." That's all good and fine, but then the sequence brings in Ellen for a song-and-dance number called "Mandy." Ellen does a bit of simple strutting with Crosby and Kaye, before eventually being joined by Brascia (in a bright green suit) for some truly breathtaking dance acrobatics. The whole thing is shockingly ornate, over-produced and performed, and ends on a punch line. When completed, the camera turns to the audience...the General, his housekeeper, and his granddaughter...all politely clapping at the "rehearsal." It's the biggest and brassiest production of the whole film, but it lands in every conceivable way.
01) SISTERS
It was always going to be number one. This song and performance has just about everything. A catchy song, class, Edith Head showing she is the GOAT of costuming, and plot implications. It might be near the top just because of how great the song is, but the reprisal featuring a constantly giggling, lightly dragged version with Crosby and Kaye pushes it to legendary status.
Yes it's silly and fun, but the paramount feature of this film is the actorly dynamic. Every performer is having such a good time, and that rubs off on the audience. Crosby cannot stop laughing each time Kaye hits him with his feathers as the rubber-faced comedian high-steps in stirrups. I can't say I blame him. Drag has always been some of the best pure entertainment.
White Christmas is now available to stream on Prime Video