The new Cinderella really goes all out in fetishisizing the glass in glass slippers, in a way that few renditions of Cinderella have, from their translucency to their refracting beauty, to the way one of them shatters when Cate Blanchett's wicked Lady Tremaine has had it with the talk of them.
She will cut you!
It reminded me of an anecdote I shared a few years back about a brunch conversation with a friend's daughter when I asked her who her favorite Disney Princess was:
The question rendered her completely shy. I had given up hope of an answer, reverting my attention to the food when she shouted "CINDERELLA" at the top of her lungs over her waffles. "But why" I say? This answer came much more swiftly, like it was the silliest question any adult had ever asked her. "The glass slippers." She didn't add "...duh" but it was right there, loud and clear, in her squeal of laughter
So for today's top ten let's celebrate the best of movie footwear from slippers of ruby or glass to fake legs to super boots. What lurks beyond the jump? Do they come in your size?
Be as curious as rollerskating Kira and find out...
TOP TEN
BEST MOVIE FOOTWEAR
10 Zero Gravity Dog Boy Roller Blade Boots
Like most top ten lists this one is heavily influenced by the moment in which it was written and the one takeaway from Jupiter Ascending is still that Channing Tatum's dog boy anti-gravity roller blade boots would be so cool to own (Mila Kunis sold separately). Although I've only rollerbladed once and it was not pretty. Nathaniel fall down go boom.
Please god tell me I haven't inspired something... burgundy.
09 Kinky Boots
We're retconning these due to the terrific Broadway musical based on the 2005 drag movie starring Chiwetel Ejiofor and Joel Edgerton long before they were in demand. Despite the movie's title its boots aren't quite fierce enough -- even after Chiwetel's drag queens mightily improves them for a failing shoe factory. In the Broadway musical, their sickening beauty pops so much you can see them from the back row and imagine yourself teetering around in them, while attempting a runway strut to Cyndi Lauper's "Sex is in the Heel".
Pat:
Asserting actual scientific reason
Heels tense the leg and the hindquarter region
Lifting the rear and making it appear
Pert and ready for mating seasonLola:
That's the scientific view. But you know what I say?
The sex is in the heel
Fierce as you can make it
The sex is the appeal
Kinky boys can shake it
08 Nike Power Laces
Back to the Future 2's (1989) beloved self-lacing light up Nike MAG. We're living Marty McFly's future right now (the comedy takes place in the distant future of October 2015... it's only "the future" for another six months) and Nike actually wants to release these officially within the calendar year.
Detail from Jessica Rabbit Plasticine Figurine
07 Jessica Rabbit's High Heels
Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988) has many great shoes and even a horrifically gruesome shoe murder! But within its memorable cartoon madness nothing but nothing tops Jessica Rabbit. Those exaggerated curves. That Kathleen Turner voice. The sleek red mane. And gravity defying high heels -- heels so high they don't actually even touch the ground (see detail above - ouch) which might be the perfect satirical symbol of impossible sadistic beauty standards.
06 Iron Boots
Iron Man's boots are so essential to his costume that you can find several images, figurines, movie stills and what not where he's only wearing them or he's creating them with Science! Further proving the case that these boots are the most essential component of his costume (give or take that shrapnel defying/life-saving glowy chest ring) is that when you see images of Iron Man in costume without the boots as above, it looks downright pornographic like he's naked. Like the boots have to go on first. Also they're bright red. Also you can fly.
05 Beer Legs
"If you're sad and like beer..." then this will surely be your uncontested #1. But I do not like beer. If they were filled with ginger ale and vodka, I'd let them top my list. In Guy Maddin's wholly mad The Saddest Music in the World (2003) Isabella Rossellini's great Lady has a glass leg (in high heels) filled with beer. Why not? It's upscale amputee accessorizing. But then Isabella Rossellini can literally pull off anything.
04 The Ruby Slippers
These tiny magical beauties from The Wizard of Oz (1939) which can protect you from wicked witches and teleport you to your home sweet home are untoppable, inarguably the most iconic shoes from the movies. But in the interest of spreading the wealth, and dinging their points from both ubiquity and how shabby the originals look in their museum showings, we'll turn the top three spots over to other footwear for a change.
03 The Red Shoes
Let's not say too much about these 1948 bad girls until we do the film for Hit Me With Your Best Shot. [whispers] "it's coming"
02 The Bride's Yellow & Black Sneakers
Not only are The Bride's gloriously color coordinated sneakers a perfect match for her bright yellow and black striped Bruce Lee jump suit but they literally say "Fuck U" on the bottom. That's extra credit Easter Egg points for Kill Bill Vol. 1 (2003), a movie that already earns an easy A.
01 Kira's Whatever
In what will surely be a controversial choice I have to go with the Greek muse with the Aussie accent whose shoes change... but don't change... depending on plot needs. Sometimes her white footwear is sultry boots with which to inspire album covers, sometimes they're flats like when she needs to stop and sing or burst through chalk painting on walls, and sometimes the boots are actually roller skates, with which Kira can ungracefully wobble through parks (Bless Olivia forever for her clumsiness in roller skates -- you can easily imagine the hardworking PAs outside each frame acting as crash test dummies to help her stop)
Kira's feets are always in white as is the blousy ribbon haired look on top and I believe it's actually the same pair of shoes, even though they look different, whether she's rollerblading or standing still or skipping around because she is magic, and so are they. You have to believe they are magic.
They are also, utterly and perfectly 1980. So this song is dedicated to them.