I use the term "worst" loosely as I am generally not paid to see the obviously terrible films that open all year round. Plus, I'm not feeling the negativity this year. Or, rather, I'm trying not to feel it. With Bridesmaids and Melancholia both speaking so eloquently on the subject of depression this year like some perfect if unlikely double feature (more on that in the top ten column) why should I wallow in my own? No, 2011 was a good year for cinema. So here is a very quick purge of the things that momentarily led me to believe otherwise.
Hell's Multiplex
Hell's multiplex has noisy audiences, crying babies, constant texting, and 50 million miniature screens showing only 50 movies, a million microscopic screens for each sorry movie! All of them requiring 3D glasses... even the ones in 2D. I wisely avoided the films I thought might play there -- if I hear the names Nicolas Cage, Adam Sandler or Kevin James or "Part One" I run -- though I inadvertently stumbled on a few grotesqueries. I've no wish to bury amateurish festival films but bigger names and wider releases are fair games. The 8 worst films I saw this year, then, were:
- Beastly and...
- I Am Number Four
This Double Feature of Dickery tops the list (bottoms the list?), with both of the films starring Prince Charmless himself Alex Pettyfer. What possessed his management to give the go ahead on Beastly in particular in which he must sell -- and sells all too well -- utter despicability of character devoid of all traditional humanity? And selling that so well while playing the hero? - Abduction [reviewed]
- Cars 2 -Cars was Pixar's previous worst film. So naturally all of Cars's worst impulses were jacked up for the sequel. Michael said it best to me when we were leaving the screening "It's like George Lucas deciding to make a Star Wars prequel with Jar Jar Binks as the lead character!"
- Green Lantern [reviewed]
- J Edgar - Less outright terrible than devoid of any reasonable expectations of entertainment value or historical insight. Cliche filled stuff spun from complex fascinating real life. [reviewed]
- The Other Woman [reviewed]
- Kaboom [reviewed]
Michelle & Nicole in widely hated filmsWorst Reviewed Movies of 2011 That I Myself Did Not See
New Year's Eve and Trespass ...yes I have every intention of seeing these two films; I am willing to suffer for my Pfandom and my Kidmania. But I'm no hurry. But those I intentionally avoided include: Jack and Jill, Just Go With It, The Roommate, Dylan Dog: Dead of Night, Season of the Witch, Red Riding Hood, Dream House, Zookeeper, I Don't Know How She Does It, The Rite, The Smurfs and Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked
Worst Actress
True story Part 1: I had never* seen Vanessa Hudgens act before seeing Beastly.
True Story Part 2: I still haven't seen her act because no reasonable person could call it such.
Mating Rituals From Hell's Multiplex: BEASTLY
Worst Actress That Has Been Good In Other Things
If you figure out what Abbie Cornish was doing in W.E. besides counting down the days till the shoot ended please share this information. But my guess is that's what was going on because otherwise I can't figure it...
Worst Actor
Let's play "Jeopardy" instead...
Violins, totem poles, Grandma Willow, trees, 'Mr. Pointy', antiques, wardrobe, pianos, chaise lounge, picket fence, Treebeard, staves, matches, witch's broom...
THINGS MADE OF WOOD THAT ARE MORE EXPRESSIVE THAN TAYLOR LAUTNER?
*ding-ding-ding*
Worst Supporting Actress
Dustin Lance Black for making that actress in J Edgar say "All the admiration in the world can't fill the spot where love goes." Really, what was she supposed to do with that line? It would probably defeat La Streep.
Most Frequently Miscast But Actually Good Supporting Actor
John C Reilly has been romantically paired with the following actresses onscreen: Marisa Tomei, Julianne Moore, Catherine Keener, Jennifer Aniston, Renée Zellweger, Melora Walters and Jenna Fischer. This year he added Tilda Swinton (We Need To Talk About Kevin) and Jodie Foster (Carnage) to that List O' Improbability. I actually think he's a fine actor but I haven't bought a single romantic screen relationship he's had onscreen since... ever (?) so it's always taking me out of the movies. I exaggerate a little, it's true... Foster & Reilly made believable marrieds to an extent in Carnage but it was utterly inconceivable to me to imagine that alien goddess Tilda Swinton had ever fallen under his carnal spell in those ravehippie flashbacks in ...Kevin.
Utterly Pointless Movies That Didn't Need To Be Made At All But Were Too Forgettable To Get Worked Up / Angry About
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides and Arthur
Often Irritating False Notes Sparring With Very Moving Individual Moments But The Movies Have Been Pronounced "Great" by the Rest of the World So What Do I Know. Point Being: I'm Not Sold.
The Descendants, War Horse, and We Need To Talk About Kevin
Movies With the Most Going For Them That Were Still Somehow Deeply Unsatisfying
The Adjustment Bureau and Contagion
Performances That Were So Much Better Than The Movie House They Lived In One Could Swear They Weren't Even Sharing a Zip Code... (note this does not always imply that the movie is bad.)
Andrea Riseborough (W.E.), Demian Bichir (A Beautiful Life), Viola Davis (The Help), Janet McTeer (Albert Nobbs), Meryl Streep (The Iron Lady)
Pearls Before Swine (i.e. Performers Who Were Given No Discernible Character to Play But Still Were Seen Giving It Their All)
Vera Farmiga (Source Code), Emily Blunt (The Adjustment Bureau) and Maria Bello (Abduction)
Blogger Who is Really Ridiculous With the Procrastination
Nathaniel. Always Nathaniel. I know you're like "but what about The Iron Lady?"
WHEW. Done. I'm not sure I feel better now but we do have our rituals. Feel free to share your worsts.
To make you feel better but keep it in line with this post's content, here's The Tree of LULZ from Kevin B Lee and Ali Arikan courtesy of IndieWire and Press Play.
What if Terrence Malick had directed some of the worst films of the year?
Tree of Lulz indeed.
*I amend. Apparently she was in Thirteen. I do not remember her in it as Hunter/Wood absorbed 100% of my focus.