by Nathaniel R
Since we playin'
As is our annual tradition the Best Picture chart now has a reader's choice poll, some trivia, and multiple kinds of rankings. The titles are listed by nomination count (ties are broken by what kinds of nominations those are) as well as sillier lists for funsies like "most likely to become a Broadway musical", running time, "death count" and more. I hope you'll investigate but here on the front page I thought why not expand on the "Ranked by Horniness" note. Let's take the 10 pictures in tiers of how hot they're running.
Tier 1 'This pussy pops for you'
The tier title is inverted from a brutal kiss-off in the lusty One Battle After Another which practically begins with Perfidia Beverly Hills (Teyana Taylor) taunting her mortal enemy Captain Lockjaw (Sean Penn) right into a humiliating erection...
Then she's rejoining her smitten boyfriend Ghetto Pat (Leonardo DiCaprio) in celebration of their revolution. There's clearly lots of hooking up happening within the French 75, too. But One Battle cools off thereafter.
No one can apparently resist Marty's BDE and cat got the cream grin
Edging ahead of One Battle in the DTF arena is the more relentless Marty Supreme a movie that is similarly horned up right from the jump with a secret rendezvous and a cheeky shot of Marty's little swimmers doing their thing to impregnant his married lover (Odessa A'Zion). Marty is always ready for action whether in back of house spaces, hotel rooms, or public parks. Even glamorous retired movie stars (Gwyneth Paltrow) eventually cave to his cocky come-ons.
Your body ain't forget me.
Tier 2 - Fuck, Marry, Kill
Sinners and Hamnet are next on the list and here's something you don't see every day in cinema: Their sexual energy is steamiest when it's focused on marriage. In Sinners Smoke (Michael B Jordan) has a memorable connection with his estranged wife Annie (Wunmi Mosaku) while his twin Stack (also Jordan) gets it on with a wilder townswoman (Hailee Steinfield). The supporting cast also features another gorgeous married couple (Li Jung Li & Thomas Pang) while young Sammy (Miles Canton) falls for a fellow singer (Jayme Lawson).
Over in Hamnet the tremendous chemistry between Paul Mescal & Jessie Buckley has you immediately immersed in both their physical and spiritual attraction to the other. We witness their first meet curious flirtation, their first time having sex, and jump straight to marriage and multiple childbirths in believably quick succession.
Tier 3 - U up?
Sex isn't always on the brain for our next three pictures but they're the type that might randomly text you for a booty call. The Secret Agent is the horniest thanks to the explicit (in the background) and hilarious "Hairy Leg" sequence but who can forget Wagner Moura's visit to the dentist!, Brad Pitt and Kerry Condon try to resist each other in F1 (they're co-workers) but they go from 0 to 60 like true racers with their first liplock. And over in Sentimental Value, Nora has unpredictably chaotic sexual energy mostly with a co-star (Trier wisely reuniting her with her Worst Person co-star in a case of smart audience misdirection)
Three months later they were inseparable.
Tier 4 - Marital Bliss
The beautiful rapport between quiet manual laborer (Joel Edgerton) and an amiable townswoman (Felicity Jones) goes a long way in selling the deep undertow of Train Dreams when tragedy strikes. The quickly married obviously happy couple are eager to be in each other's arms but often separated.
[Gay Gasp... no homo!]
Tier 5 - Purposefully Neutured
For all the talk of Guillermo Del Toro's Frankenstein being a faithful adaptation, I'd argue it's not at all since it's so desexualized that it is obviously terrified of both the inherent homoeroticism of Mary Shelley's text and the sexual curiousities that occasionally still slip through to brief visibiity thanks mostly to Elordi's inspired physicality in the role. To invert Drag Race's favourite critique 'keep relying on that bo-dy.'
Meanwhile Bugonia presents an unconfortable and arguably n/a problem in horniness-ranking unless in a 'doth protest too much' kind of way. There's lots of sexual trauma from events before the story commences and sexual desire is such a threat to 'the mission' for Teddy (Jesse Plemons) that he has castrated himself chemically before the film even begins and tragically convinces his malleable cousin to do the same.