Though we're dreading the Oscars for the first time in our lives that we can recall (it's that damn gnawing off of their own limbs while in ABC's trap that they're doing) we'll still be watching and hoping for the best. With Oscars just twelve days away and voting beginning here are
12 WISHES FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE SEASON...
1. For voters to watch one or two more screeners before they vote. Better, or at least fairer choices will be made if they have seen every option within a category. Particularly in the lower profile categories like Animated Short or Documentaryl don't just vote for Bao or RBG because they're the ones you've seen -- vote for them only if you think they're the actual best.
2. That John Bailey and the Board of Governors realize their disgusting mistake and reverse course yet again restoring the cut categories to the Broadcast. Giving out awards during commercial breaks is shameful and also, as we've heard from people who've attended, extra disrespectful because in the room there is tons of noise during commercial breaks as everyone runs for drinks, bathroom breaks, to visit friends in other seats, etc...
No one will be paying attention to these artists when they're having their moments!
3. For voters to collectively realize TODAY and all through voting that Mahershala Ali a) already has an Oscar for a better performance than the one he gives in Green Book b) is a leading man in a supporting category where he has an unfair advantage and c) that they have two absolutely grand real supporting performances from enduring performances who have never won in the category that would look great in the history books as winners, would probably result in a superb telecast moment of giddiness and wit, and would also honor both exceptional 2018 performance and decades of film history: Richard E Grant in Can You Ever Forgive Me or Sam Elliott in A Star is Born, take your pick.
4. If #2 doesn't occur, for several winners speak out from the stage to protest Oscar's recent blunderheaded decisions but particularly the move to not air certain categories. Oscar getting read from the stage is always kind of subversive and thrilling (remember Kim Basinger scolding them for skipping Do The Right Thing AT THAT VERY CEREMONY. Brave and progressive of her for the time)
5. If #2 doesn't occur for the ceremony to be an unmitigated disaster or at least very disjointed and chaotic and low-rated. It breaks our hearts to wish this upon the best event in the whole world but perhaps then they'd realize not to try and fix what ain't broke?
6. For voters to really think about each craft nominee's achievements as they vote rather than just checking off the name of the film of the film they happen to like the best among the five. On this same topic it would be cool if the sound branch realized that giving Bohemian Rhapsody the Oscar for playing Queen's music is not remotely the same as resurrecting Freddie Mercury to hand him an Oscar.
7. ...by the same token for voters to realize that voting for Rami Malek is not the same as resurrecting Freddie Mercury to hand him an Oscar. In fact, it's much closer to handing alleged sexual predator Bryan Singer an award for his directing skill with actors.
And -- I know this is asking a lot -- for the voters to realize, overall and in perpetuity, that you don't have to always hand the Oscar to biopic performances. It's not mandatory! Creating a character from scratch and making them feel like an absolutely real three-dimensional person with history, depth, complexities, faults, and reserves of soul takes just as much skill and definitely more imagination (hi, Bradley Cooper & Regina King & Glenn Close!)
8. For Glenn Close to finally win that damn Oscar she's deserved a few times for yet another grand performance. This is IN NO WAY a Scent of a Woman situation. It's only embarrassing to hand career Oscars to sensational performers IF they're doing subpar work. The Wife is among her best performances so there's no reason to hesitate.
9. For the song performances to be so entertaining on Oscar night that at least they get raves and remind the Academy that the format of the show was the fine the way it was and the song performances are fun little 'intermissions' between acceptance speeches. They grant the show variety and they're certainly more exciting than watching some dumb lengthy skit involving 'real' people or lock boxes or whatnot.
And within this group, for "Shallow" to be so incredible live that everyone feels collective shame that they didn't vote for the year's best performance by an actor: That'd be Bradley Cooper.
10. For Border to surprise and win Best Makeup and Hair because it's frankly no contest. This is no shade to the other nominees who would be worthy winners in another year and who should be very proud of their nominations for strong work. But Border is next level.
11. For an actress to present Best Picture. It doesn't happen enough. You have a problem when in 90 ceremonies, only 11 actresses have done it. As a reminder they were: Audrey Hepburn, Barbra Streisand, Faye Dunaway, Diane Keaton, Elizabeth Taylor, Cher, Carol Burnett, Lillian Gish, Julie Andrews, Janet Gaynor, and Mary Pickford.
What on earth is the holdup with having, say, Fonda or Maclaine do it? Or MERYL STREEP ?!?
12. For voters to realize that Roma doesn't need ALL the prizes. Sweeps are boring and they're also hard to justify with so much fine work nominated in each category. For instance, if it's your #1 vote in Best Picture and Best Director, why give it Foreign Film and Cinematography, too, when Shoplifters and Cold War are right there?
HAPPY EIGHT DAYS OF OSCAR VOTING EVERYONE!