The 12th annual FiLM BiTCH Awards celebrating the films of 2011.
Hero of the Year |
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"Arthur Christmas"
(James McAvoy & animators) ARTHUR CHRISTMAS |
"Captain America"
(Chris Evans) CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER |
"Carlos Gallindo"
(Demián Bichir) A BETTER LIFE |
"Cesar"
(Andy Serkis and animators) RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES |
"Joey"
(six beautiful equines) WAR HORSE |
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Blessed with: Extraordinary holiday spirit, global concern, and a handy gift-wrapping companion elf. Achilles heel: Clumsy. Not so tech-savvy. Triumph: saves Christmas and mends strained family bonds.
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Blessed with: Super everything: strength, purity, patriotism, agility, old fashioned modesty. Achilles heel: Unknown though he did need super steroids serum to get there. Triumph: Saves the world. Dethawed from huge block of ice.
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Blessed with: Honesty, patience, work ethic and big love for his son.
Achilles heel: Way too trusting. Take the keys with you up that tree! Nooooo. Triumph: Not for himself but it was all for his son anyway. Giving him a shot at a better life. |
Blessed with: Intelligence, loyalty, love of big trees, sympathetic scientists.
Achilles heel: He wants so much more he's practically a Disney heroine show-tuning it. Triumph: Escape to the Sequels of the Planet of the Apes. |
Blessed with: Loyalty, extraordinary luck, mad ploughing skills, and extremely photogenic. Achilles heel: Not so picky about who's riding him; you win some you lose some. Also barbed wire. Triumph: Thrilling escape + Touching reunion.
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Finalists: "Coltor Stevens" (Jake Gyllenhaal) in Source Code; "Aibileen, Skeeter & Minnie" - but they have to share the heroics with all of the nameless characters in The Help; "Moses" (John Boyega) in Attack the Block; The Monks in Of Gods and Men;
Semi-Finalists: Thor (Chris Hemsworth) in Thor and this one is dedicated to Harry, Ron & Hermione as their franchise ends. I was never a big Harry Potter fan and I don't believe in honoring franchises over and over again for the same achievements but there is no doubt that they left a mark on global imagination when it comes to super heroics. |
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Villain of the Year |
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"Bernie Rose"
(Albert Brooks) DRIVE |
"Jerry Dandrige"
(Colin Farrell) FRIGHT NIGHT |
"Kevin"
(Ezra Miller) WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT KEVIN |
"Loki"
(Tom Hiddleston) THOR |
"Mayor"
(Ned Beatty & animators) RANGO |
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Guilty of: easy irritability, murder, shitty "European" movie making, and all around shady business practices; Accomplices: loud mouth Nino and other mobsters; Sentence: death in the shadows
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Guilty of: Mass murder, lust, trespassing, malevolent pranks, driving down real estate values; Accomplices: a whole cave full of undead; Sentence: death. This time for good.
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Guilty of: mass murder, patricide, creative destruction of home offices, making his mother's life a living hell from birth; Accomplices: the bow and arrow; Sentence: Prison.
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Guilty of: deceit, tricks, war mongering and fraternal jealousies of mythic proportion; Accomplices: the frost giants, The Destroyer, and multiple images of himself; Sentence: Still at large.
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Guilty of: lies, abusing his office and trust of constituency, theft, Chinatown referencing; Accomplices: Rattlesnake Jake; Sentence: Dragged off into the desert after one last double cross
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Finalists: "Dr. Ledgard" (Antonio Banderas) in The Skin I Live In; "Jack and Jill" in Puss in Boots; "Melancholia" in Melancholia; Semi-Finalists: "Martin Vanger" (Stellan Skarsgård) in The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and "Margaret Thatcher" (Meryl Streep) in The Iron Lady though the film thinks of her as a hero for some reason. |
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Diva of the Year |
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"George Valentin"
(Jean Dujardin) THE ARTIST |
"Helen Harris" (Rose Byrne)
BRIDESMAIDS |
"Mavis Gary"
(Charlize Theron) YOUNG ADULT |
"Suzanne Pujol"
(Catherine Deneuve) POTICHE |
"Thor"
(Chris Hemsworth) THOR |
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Turns ons: dancing, his own stardom, watching his own films, and Peppy Miller; Hobbies: dancing, posing, exuberant facial expression; Enablers: moviegoers, wealth, and definitely Uggie. Always Uggie; Turn offs: change, failure, The Talkies.
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Turns ons: Outdoing everyone else with her wealth, beauty, and knowledge; Hobbies: throwing parties, name dropping, gift-giving; Enablers: Lillian and her husband's bank account; Turn offs: Any of Annie's ideas. And, well, Annie.
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Turns ons: Buddy, her old boyfriend, Hello Kitty; Hobbies: sleeping, ignoring her dog, plotting, husband stealing, writing single sentences; Enablers: Matt (reluctantly) & Colette (whole-heartedly), alcohol; Turn offs: work, reality.
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Turns ons: umbrellas, business and politics, sex, old boyfriends; Hobbies: fixing problems, not-so hostile takeovers; Enablers: in a fun turn of events, her husband's mistress; Turn offs: being underestimated
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Turns ons: himself, Jane, godhood, and his hammer (everybody names theirs. His is Mjölnir); Hobbies: boasting, ordering people about; Enablers: Loki and Odin (at first) and the Warriors Three; Turn offs: Exile with sudden hammer-related impotence, Jotunheim
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| Finalists: "Justine" (Kirsten Dunst) in Melancholia could've ruled this category -- who else can destroy the world with their terrible mood? -- if she could be bothered to get out of the bathtub Semi-Finalists: "Jacob Palmer" (Ryan Gosling) is Crazy Stupid in Love with himself; "Margaret Thatcher" (Meryl Streep) The Iron Lady is a diva all right. Well for half the film. Otherwise she's an old hallucinating woman; "Lisa" (Anna Paquin) isn't fabulous enough to be a true diva in Margaret but she thinks of herself as the center of her universe anyway. | ||||
Sexpot of the Year |
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"Brandon"
(Michael Fassbender) SHAME |
"Eun-yi Li & Hoon Goh"
(Jeon de Yoen & Lee Jung-Jae) THE HOUSEMAID |
"Jacob Palmer"
(Ryan Gosling) CRAZY STUPID LOVE |
"Justine"
(Kirsten Dunst) MELANCHOLIA |
"Marilyn Monroe"
(Michelle Williams) MY WEEK WITH MARILYN |
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Oversexed but can you blame the roundrobin of partners?
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So horny they can't stop themselves. So hot that one of them self-immolates.
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"It's like you're photoshopped"
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Dunst's somnabulistic sex appeal hasn't been used this well since Virgin Suicides.
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What a task to inhabit the most famous sex symbol of all time.
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| Finalists: none Semi-Finalists: "Captain America" in Captain America... it's so hot when someone doesn't even know they're hot and Steve Rogers isn't used to thinking of himself that way; "Thor" (Chris Hemsworth) in Thor; "Britney S. Peirce"'s boobs are in 3D in Glee The Concert Movie; "Annika" (Dagmara Dominczyk) enjoys painting her husbands penis in Higher Ground and we loved her; |
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[You can find a menu to the last two years of awards to your right in the sidebar.]