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Monday
Mar172014

A History of... Rob Lowe

Today is Rob Lowe's 50th Birthday. This photo was taken only a couple of years ago for Vanity Fair...

To unearth the mystery (or at least to celebrate) Rob Lowe's continual beauty, undefiled by age, fickle series-jumping, or scandals. A completely true embellished history...

1964 Born in Charlottesville Virginia to a schoolteacher and a lawyer

1965 Infected by a infant virus, Rob Lowe goes deaf in one ear. To date it remains his only known physical flaw. MORE...

1968 Younger brother Chad Lowe born. Later infected by Hilary Swank virus.

1970 The family moves to Ohio, where Rob Lowe might better acclimate to the eventual world of John Hughes and the Brat Pack

1973 The family moves to Malibu where Rob Lowe might better acclimate to his eventual world of celebrity

Tom Cruise, Rob Lowe, C Thomas Howell, Matt Dillon, Ralph Macchio, Emilio Estevez, and Patrick Swayze in The Outsiders (1983)

1983 Plant foreman Francis Ford Coppola, opens a star-making factory known as "The Outsiders" where Rob Lowe and other luminaries are processed for screaming teens to enjoy. The mold is chipped slightly by the cheekbones or jawlines of either Matt Dillon or Rob Lowe and the rest of them come out a little funkier but it's all good.

1984 Breaks up with Melissa Gilbert when she discovers him having sex with Nastassia Kinski. Even sapphic sister Jodie Foster is driven to have sex with Rob Lowe, who is also her brother, in The Hotel New Hampshire because in 1984 with Rob Lowe, who wouldn't?

1985 Rob Lowe deflowers Mare Winningham (it's his gift) in St. Elmo's Fire which drives her to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and monologue about it. Also wins the Razzie for Worst Supporting Actor. On the set he contracts vampirism from Andie MacDowell; both never aging a day since....

1986 Rob Lowe hooks up with Princess Stephanie of Monaco. And then Demi Moore, then his friend Emilio Estevez' girl, in About Last Night inspiring her to raid her fridge in the nude. Everyone is hungry for him...

1988 Rob Lowe pioneers the celebrity sex tape to very bad reviews which threaten to end his career

1989 As if taking a stake to his own heart, he deflowers Snow White at the 61st annual Academy Awards tarnishing her reputation so permanently that Kristen Stewart is later allowed to play her. Two months later Soderbergh's Sex, lies and videotape, super relevant post Lowe scandal, opens to very good reviews and the Palme D'Or at Cannes. 

1990 Rob's ill-advised revenge is a movie called Bad Influence which involves sex, lies and videotapes. It mercifully disappears with the VHS tapes of yore.

1991 Rob Lowe settles down with Sheryl Berkoff and begins reproducing because you can't let those genes go to waste.

1992 Lowe & MacDowell are cut from a celebrity party scene at Lisl's mansion in Death Becomes Her at their request, fearing their secret will get out. Lisle reminds them they must disappear from public life after ten years to keep their secret; MacDowell complies but...

1999 Lowe reemerges on the politically themed D.C. set The West Wing but quickly grows bored of the confines of his role.

2003 Reemerges on the politically themed D.C. set The Lyon's Den but the show is quickly cancelled.

2006 Reemerges as a politician eager to get to D.C. on Brothers & Sisters but quickly grows bored of the confines of his role. Returns to his coffin in the rich soil

2010 Reemerges on the politically themed Parks and Recreation. His career "lit-rally" pics up with his game comic performance which makes great use of his well preserved hunkiness

2011 The immortal beauty releases a book called "Stories I Only Tell My Friends" but sales plummet when people realize it is filled with words.

2013 With nothing left to prove, and finally breaking from the government official mode, he mocks his own unnatural youth as a eye-lifted plastic surgeon in Behind the Candelabra.


2014 Happy Birthday Rob Lowe!  Rob preps a TV movie, two features, and a new miniseries

 

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Reader Comments (14)

Awww I love Rob Lowe. And his Oscar opening with Snow White was epic(ally bad).

March 17, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterRami

Rami -OMG. I just added it. Can't believe I forgot that.

March 17, 2014 | Registered CommenterNATHANIEL R

I take young Rob Lowe was formative for young gay Nat. We all have those embarrassing early crushes. Fortunately, most of them eventually age and bloat and decline (think those poor little girls that fantasized about Leif Garret, back in the day). Poor Nathaniel, I guess, happened to fall hard for one of those rare exceptions that a) retained good looks and b) remained relevant (which I guess is the hardest trick of the two) so 30 years later we end up with second-hand embarrassments like this fan-boy post/dedication. Not judging, y'all, I loved Zack Morris, for God's sake, glass roof if there ever was one! We still love you, Nat! All is love!

March 17, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCarmen Sandiego

Rob Lowe in 1984 defies every aspect of the Kinsey scale. Everyone wants to go to there.

March 17, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJohn T

Haha Nat, that ceremony was amazing. I love how all the performers in the 'I Wanna Be An Oscar Winner' number never came close in their careers :)

March 17, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterRami

Ha, this was great.

However, for some reason, I know objectively how beautiful he is and I have never, ever found him actually attractive.

I was never even really a fan of his until Parks and Rec, where they use him so well and he really goes for it, and of course he was cast equally as well in Behind the Candelabra. And yet the Emmy nom went to Scott Bakula? So weird.

March 17, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDJDeeJay

Mr. Lowe was brilliant in Austin Powers: The Spy who Shagged Me. Replicating the sublimely smooth woodenness of Robert Wagner was no mean feat. Not even one splinter was to be had. Sigh.

March 17, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterbrookesboy

"Emily" Estevez, Nat? Who knew... ;-)

March 17, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterPaul Outlaw

You also forgot his attempt at stage work with Tony Randall's company in NYC back in the 90's. Post Snow White, pre West Wing and right in the middle of the scandals....yes, plural.

March 17, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterHenry

I think part of his secret besides good genes is that he went through his crazy, foolish phase and learned from it. He married happily and settled down, works at keeping fit and while I'm sure he has his ego seems pretty clear eyed about life. He also seems to have a good sense of humor, doesn't mind lampooning himself and is quite an able comic actor.

I read an interview with him several years ago where he mentioned how he was finishing up his lunch and ran into Judd Nelson who had been out all night and was coming in for breakfast. They were both into their 40's by this time which is why Judd looks like the ragged end of nowhere now and Rob looks about 32. He has also managed not to get involved with some bizarre movement and end up a creepy freak like Cruise.

March 17, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterjoel6

Kinda lost it at the Andie MacDowell references. LOL well done.

Rob Lowe and Nastassja Kinski hooked up in 1984? All this hotness.

Didn't realize he was in so many politically charged projects since '99.

If there are still people out there who haven't seen Behind The Candelabra, he is the gift that keeps on giving in it so see it today. You're welcome.

Happy 5-0, Rob!

March 17, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMark The First

Happy Birthday Mr Lowe- you have aged from a pretty boy to a handsome man.

March 17, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJaragon

What? Rob was nominated for a Razzie for St. Elmo's Fire? His sexy, bad-boy, sax-playing, cherry-popping Billy Hicks was the best thing about that film! And Pawnee, Indiana, will literally, never be the same without Chris.

The photo you used looks like a similar one done for Pierce Brosnan circa After the Sunset/Thomas Crown, at about the same age. Must be the blue eyes and black eyebrows that keeps them looking so so so good.

March 17, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterPam

"... the ragged end of nowhere..." is going straight into my lexicon. thanks, joel6

March 17, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterpar

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