Maybe you're one of those ready-first-thing types? To the rest of you I apologize. If you were online yesterday (and when aren't you?) you probably saw this list which is rumored to be in Lindsay Lohan's own all caps writing, detailing her sexual history.
After the [NSFW] jump, thoughts I had in the order they came to me
• Only 36? I thought it would be surpass her traffic violations at least
• Awww ♥ that she spells Joaquin Phoenix wrong. Bless her.
• Zac Efron is also spelled wrong but everyone reading TFE knows that I have committed the same sin. The spelling not the sexing.
• You may think that I wish it were the other way around but I am that 2% of the population that doesn't find Efron very attractive. He'll have to make do with the other 98% of the world. Too plastic/perfect? Too trainered-too-death muscles? I dunno. Doesn't do it for me. Although I did enjoy that scene of Nicole Kidman peeing on him in The Paperboy. No, I am not into water sports! I'm just into Kidman sports.
In this context Nicole Kidman's ultra-trashy beautician looks so much like Lindsay Lohan's blonde phase. Eeep.
• Where is Jude Law?
• Is this a Scattergories form? LOL. I so wish it had been a Clue scorecard instead so we'd know the location and the weapons, uh, accessories.
• Is this chronological? By cock size? Ranked? I have so many questions as a compulsive list maker.
• If she's ranking them shouldn't Jamie Dornan be higher?
[Tangent: I don't really have an opinion on Jamie Dornan as an actor so he doesn't necessarily sell me on 50 Shades of Gray but he has been inside one of my favorite movies (Marie Antoinette) and inside Keira Knightley and is also related to Greer Garson (!!!) so he's been absurdly blessed by life.]
• I heard people on the internetz (happy birthday internet!) immediately disbelieving men on the list they were fans of but I 100% believe this list. I do. The list of women any of these famous guys have slept with is surely much longer and you know they wouldn't be slut-shamed for it.
• Not that Lindsay Lohan is a great celebrity to pin gender or sex-positive politics on because, frankly, she is too messy to pin anything on.
• Am I supposed to know who Ryan Rottman is? I'm so sick of not knowing who celebrities are and I blame the Disney Channel and Reality TV - they are the two culprits every time I find myself in a position where I don't know Who Someone Is. They're ruining pop culture with their speed of creating disposable celebrities who are famous for no discernible reason other than fame itself.
• If this is a sex list why isn't that DJ Samantha Lindsay was steady with listed?
• Wait, James Franco?
• How many of the 35 names here would also show up on his list? [OMG reminds me - stop everything. Read this review of Franco's Interior. Leather Bar. It's perfect]
• Lindsay doesn't seem to have any clear preferences beyond major attractiveness: musicians, movie stars, non headline tv regulars, and P.C. Valmorbida. All are welcome
• Why are some of the names redacted?
• Washed away by Linday's tears?
• Reserved for print so that you'll buy sleazy In Touch magazine?
• I never saw The Canyons. Did you?
• Since Lukas Haas is on here are DiCaprio and Maguire under the blurred names because you know they shared -- the name "Pussy Posse" doesn't stick for no reason. (Suddenly the 90s seem so much crasser in retrospect.)
• Speaking of the 90s... the best thing about this list is that it's sending me back to great memories of Vickie Miner (Janeane Garofalo) in Reality Bites. One of the very best 90s characters. She kept a similar list if you'll recall though her hand writing had more personality. I couldn't find a relevant screencap *sniffle* so this one will have to do.