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Ashley Judd, Pulp Queen

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True Blood: Return to Oz

Here's Adam, who is still on the death march to True Blood's final episode.

This weekend's episode of True Blood took place almost entirely at Sookie's house as assorted Bon Tempser forced a celebration of life on the grieving fairy. Eventually Sam Merlotte’s girlfriend/fiancé/baby mama (I’m sure she was given a name at some point during the show, but I can’t/will never for the life of me remember it) stands up and causes a scene. She's all judgmental righteous and 'how can we just have a party while surrounded by all this death?' (because heaven forbid these characters have a chance to let loose and not shudder and scream every time they walk into a room, right?). She even manages to scream out, what are we all doing here?!

What am I even doing on this show?

Bitch, that’s what we’ve been asking of you since you suddenly appeared all willy-nilly last season as a lead character. Where was Letti Mae when her trusty butcher knife could’ve actually been useful?

Meanwhile, outside the party... Lets give a round of golf claps for Lafayette penetrating James, people! [Decidedly NSFW extremely impolite musings on this week's episode after the jump...]

However, makers of True Blood, just because you let Lafayette stretch James’ undoubtedly adorable sphincter, don’t think for a second that that's enough as this series comes to a close. We want more butt sex. Flip fucking. Blowjobs. Rimjobs. Facials. Swallowing. Or the intention of swallowing but then at the last second losing the courage and spitting it out. Hell, throw in a what-are-we-back-in-middle-school? casual handjob, just because you can.

You’ve held out for seven goddamn years True Blood. We pretended to give a shit about Lillith for you!

It’s time to do everyone a solid and go for broke. And one final thing… I want Dick. Not any look-down-to-to-unzip-your-fly and you’ll miss it bullshit like with Eric’s final scene in season six. Give me an unobstructed shot of somebody’s penis. Preferably Jason’s, but another character’s will do just fine.

But back to this episode business with it's surprise stinger... guess who's got Hep V now?

Oh, Bill...

I know that look, and I know it well. Sometimes you look down at your penis and you feel a sort of itching sensation when you pee. You say to yourself, but I did just masturbate a few minutes ago... Or maybe, I did work out today, maybe some pesky sweat... or possibly the all too familiar maybe if asparagus can make my urine smell funny, it can give me an unbelievable compulsion to itch my dick clear off my body. No matter what, deep down inside, you know it’s probably from that time you blew somebody when you had cracking chapped lips because it was so damn cold out. We might not know what HEP-V feels like, but if it’s anything like our mortal venereal diseases, it can be a bitch, Bill.  

And finally, with the parting words of ever eloquent Pam, on the hunt for Sarah Newland and incognito at a conservative fundraiser:


I’m a Republicunt.”


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Reader Comments (10)

What the...?!? LOL.

July 22, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSquasher88

"What am I even doing on this show?

Bitch, that’s what we’ve been asking of you since you suddenly appeared all willy-nilly last season as a lead character. Where was Letti Mae when her trusty butcher knife could’ve actually been useful?"

LOL. So true.

July 22, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterBrittani

Adam.....you're not sharing. Spread the wealth so we can all be on the same page.

July 22, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterHenry

I'd like to watch True Blood with Adam just to hear his running commentary throughout the episode. Hilarious.

July 22, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSan FranCinema

San FranCinema - If you're ever in the Brooklyn area, by all means, stop on over and I'll bake scones.

Henry - I thought recounting my possible history with an itchy penis was "sharing" :P

July 22, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAdam

Just got to watching this episode. Ok, i get that they were gunning for Lafa and James to get it on, but such poor execution. Not only does Lafayette end up being a terrible person (his little speech was all kinds of meta though) but that "sex" scene might as well have been a hug.

The Terminator 2 shot with Eric and Sarah was delightful as well as "Republicunt" Pam.

I'm also hoping that there is some sort of payoff to these Bill flashbacks.

But enough of that. Adam, we need to talk over drinks. Itchy Penises and Chapped Lips is a perfect title for a memoir.

July 23, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDerreck.

Derreck. - I don't even think Lafayette's terrible. I never "got" the James & Jessica "relationship. Like, maybe for a teensy tiny bit during season 6, but never after that. AND you're right, I need to start shopping that memoir around immediately ;)

July 24, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAdam

But that's the thing. He knew they were together, kissed him and took him to the car for an extended hug. That's not cool. Isn't that what a man-stealing ho basically is? James is a fault too along with the writers for James and Jessica's poorly developed relationship. It's obvious they wanted James and Lafa together but I thought it was done quite inelegantly.

But then again, I am watching True Blood so i don't know what exactly I was expecting.

July 24, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDerreck.

Derreck. - Yeahhh buttttt they were, like, BARELY together haha I feel like Jessica & James' relationship constituted the same amount of commitment one has with a one night stand who you took out to lunch the next day(out of politeness) but after they won't stop texting you. In any case, I think it was True Blood's way of covering their tracks for a relationship that made no sense, like when they killed off Alcide so Sookie was no longer being dragged down by that sexy excuse of an anchor

July 24, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAdam

You've totally won me over with that analogy. lol.

*retracts fangs*

July 24, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDerreck.

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