Godzilla's Not-So-Anonymous Oscar Ballot
Friday, March 1, 2024 at 10:00AM by Cláudio Alves & ???
Despite new Academy rules prohibiting such activity, the final Oscar voting period once again coincides with a slew of anonymous ballots. Now, here at The Film Experience we don't want to incur AMPAS' ire, but we also suffer from FOMO when seeing all those other publications with their horrid insight into the Oscar voter's mindset. And wouldn't you know it, TFE got exclusive access to one of last year's biggest stars. So, why not capitalize on that and discuss how one titanic performer will cast their votes? Faced with this irresistible possibility, we couldn't help ourselves. All that to say, please welcome to The Film Experience none other than Godzilla, star of Godzilla Minus One and one of Japanese cinema's most beloved personalities…
CLÁUDIO ALVES: Thank you so much for granting us this exclusive interview, and let me congratulate you on the movie's success. What does it feel like to finally see one of your star vehicles nominated at the Oscars?
GODZILLA: Thank you for having me. It’s a great thing that in America I’m gonna be known for this movie and not the shitty version from 1997. Americans love shitting on it, but they still talk about it too much. This feels good, and frankly, it should’ve happened sooner.
CLÁUDIO: I sense some antagonism toward American cinema in that response. That can be tricky when voting for the Oscars. Would you say you’re biased?
GODZILLA: Biased? Me? Most of my films are nuclear allegories, and it’s easy to see how the country who launched the nukes would miss those subtle nuances when appropriating my story. If America wanted me to say nice things about the other nominees, they should have nominated better movies.
CLÁUDIO: That’s fair, I guess. But let’s try to keep hostilities down. Please don’t start glowing!
Moving on to the ballot proper, why don’t we start with the shorts categories? Were you swayed by the anti-war sentiment of War Is Over! Inspired by the Music of John and Yoko? Will Island In Between be your default winner since it’s the only non-American nominee in its race? Are you shocked by all the children suffering in the Live-Action shorts or did you leave your love for kids in the 60s?
GODZILLA: Being a single parent has given me a lot of love for the kids. But a lotta times it feels like nominees about kids suffering get nominated because they shove kids suffering in your face, ya know? Oh, what a good cause to recognize, blah blah blah. I like art. Do you know how hard it is to find art at the bottom of the world’s oceans? It’s not hard. Earth’s beauty and the destruction you fucking humans wreak every single day says more than most shitty films. “Would I rather have spent my time helping a coral reef repair itself?” That’s the standard I hold art to.
Oh, and yeah, I’m almost always going to vote for non-American films. You think I’d let an American interview me?
CLÁUDIO: Thank you so much, Mr. Zilla. I believe that means you’ll vote for Islands in Between. Then again, I’m not sure any of the shorts categories hold something as special as whatever you find at the bottom of the ocean. So maybe we should move to other categories. Which one would you like to tackle next?
GODZILLA: We did the shorts, let’s do the feature films. Animated was The Boy and The Heron, slam dunk choice. Another reason I’m glad you’re interviewing me - you’ve been championing that film hard. I know we’re both pissed about Joe [Hisaiashi] missing for Score. Good man.
CLÁUDIO: You do know Studio Ghibli is located in Tokyo, right? The city you’ve been terrorizing and nearly destroying for over 70 years?
GODZILLA: That’s the magic of the movies! When you see Miss Piggy acting in the Muppet movies, do you ask her if she’s really a pirate queen?
CLÁUDIO: I would believe that of Miss Piggy to be honest, and wouldn’t dare question her if she said so. But we’re not here to talk pork princesses and pink superstars. Well, maybe one pink superstar. What are your feelings on Barbie?
GODZILLA: Junior loves it. Probably watched that more than any other film this year. We’ve been talking about it, and they really attached to Barbie and Ken’s journeys as trying to learn what it means to be a boy and girl. Led to a lot of really valuable conversations with the kid. Hell, sometimes I feel like a dad, sometimes I feel like a mom, y’know? Didn’t expect to think about that with Barbie! And it’s really grown on me, I gotta say. It’s bouncy, it’s fun, the music’s just terrific. Can’t stand Will Ferrell though. He better watch his fucking back.
CLÁUDIO: Oh yeah, the music’s something else. Speaking of, what Barbie song will get your vote? Are you more into Billie Eyelash or Ken shenanigans?
GODZILLA: Ken’s a way better karaoke song for me. That’s always been my tiebreaker and it’s never let me down.
CLÁUDIO: Keeping things in Barbieland, what’s your Production Design pick? Do you choose based on which place you’d most like to trample?
GODZILLA: That’s one way to phrase it. If we’re going on that, Poor Things would be the most fun to clobber, since every damn building having different architecture and color schemes for the inside and outside of their houses. It’d be like breaking rock candies and finding cream filling inside. Or bone marrow. Mmmmmm. But I like Barbie for this one. Scrumptious looking town. And I’ve never really stopped and destroyed LA before, that could be refreshing.
CLÁUDIO: Crazy that you’ve wrecked New York, San Francisco, and even Boston, but never LA. Those poor Angelenos must be starting to feel left out.
In any case, since the lineups are exactly the same, what’s your pick for Costume Design? Will the Barbie sweep continue or are you into other fashions? I’m sure you could rock Bella’s balloon sleeves or Napoleon’s hat. Then again, it’d take a lot of material to cover such a massive frame. But hey, no shaming. Here at The Film Experience, we celebrate body positivity, human and kaiju alike.
GODZILLA: Don’t ask me which of these I’d want to wear, that’s a whole other conversation. Junior loved the balloon sleeves and Ken’s 80s furs the most.
CLÁUDIO: You can only pick one, Mr. Zilla. What does Mothra think? She always struck me as the fashionista in your crew.
GODZILLA: Oh, she’s a big fan of Killers of the Flower Moon. That’s the one exception to the “fuck Americans” policy, cuz the Natives got fucked over by Americans before there was even America. Costumes, Score, of course Lily Gladstone, I want them all to win.
CLÁUDIO: Well, that’s three categories in one go. Since you mentioned the Original Score category, let’s wrap up the aural awards. What’s caught your fancy in Sound and are you as mad as I am that your roar has never once earned a mention there? Folks talk about Diane Warren being overdue, but you’re surely comparable to her by this point. I mean…not even one nomination? Outrageous.
GODZILLA: IT’S SO FUCKED, RIGHT?!?! Deep breaths, deep breaths, art supercedes mere awards . . . . woof. Fuck, sorry, almost lost it there. Don’t want any unprofessional conduct in this interview. But, ah, anyways. I really liked the big cathedral scene in Maestro. I liked the Trinity test even more, but that’d be a really funny upset, so I’m torn. Any other categories you want to hammer out real quick?
CLÁUDIO: Make-up perhaps? Not sure you have much direct experience with cosmetics, though you’ve shape-shifted a lot over the decades.
GODZILLA: God, I spent hours in the chair for Shin Godzilla every day. I’m not saying I haven’t taken off a scale here or there, but some of those designs took a lot of work to transform into. Never had anything like what they put on Willem Dafoe, but again, it’d be fun if Maestro won this. Would tease the fuck out of Bradley, too.
CLÁUDIO: Speaking of Cooper, would he be your Best Actor pick? I have faith you weren’t weirded out by his talk of having Bernstein come into him every day. After all, you have had a lot of men inside you as part of your movies’ making.
GODZILLA: It’s always a team effort, whether that’s finding the right fit to bring a performance to life or bonding with the other kaiju after shooting wraps for the day. You would not believe what three necks can do. And I’m sure you’ve got plenty of stories about men inside you too, Sugar Cube. I really admire Bradley’s passion as an artist, and he should have won a little gold toothpicks by now. Jeffrey Wright though, that’s a crazy good career to not even have a nomination until this year. Him or Cillian, they’re my guys.
CLÁUDIO: Jumping back to the so-called below-the-line categories, are you voting for your own film in Best Visual Effects or would that be gauche?
GODZILLA: Fuck yeah I’m voting for myself! You think those Mission: Impossible fucks are gonna let this opportunity go by to reward their own? I’m fucking proud of this film. I’m proud of the the decades of stellar work my filmmakers have displayed over and over again. I’m not letting this moment pass, and I want my team to get a trophy.
CLÁUDIO: And in International Film? I presume Japanese pride will prevail and you’ll go with Perfect Days.
GODZILLA: Nah, who the fuck decided to pick a movie that wasn’t even made by a Japanese director? Dummies coulda picked Monster. I’m not gonna act like Minus One was second in line to get submitted and got fucked over, but man, that woulda been sick as hell. And folks clearly like it, who knows how far it coulda gone? I wish I cared more about how this category winds up, but I got coral reef to look after.
CLÁUDIO: Come on, give me a country. Maybe we can do this another way, similar to your Production Design reasoning. Which nation would you most want to terrorize? UK, Germany, Italy, or Spain?
GODZILLA: I guess the UK would be funniest to terrorize, see how many royals I could eat at once - that’s a joke, to be clear. Don’t wanna say any threats I’m not interested in following up on.
CLÁUDIO: In any case, they’d probably give you indigestion. Speaking of monarchy, will you vote for Queen Thelma Schoonmaker in Best Editing?
GODZILLA: She’s deserved to win this prize several times over already, and she deserves it again this year. Might vote for Laurent Sénéchal since he doesn’t already have a trophy, but man, Thelma! That’s a competition.
CLÁUDIO: King recognizes queen - we love to see it.
Interestingly, there are no former winners in Best Cinematography, so who would you give their first golden toothpick? Better yet, which one of them would be the best choice to shoot one of your star vehicles?
GODZILLA: All five a’ those guys have great careers and would be great winners. El Conde would be fuckin nuts, and Ed can shoot literally anything. I pick him.
CLÁUDIO: We know you look wonderful in grayscale. By the way, congratulations on that special black-and-white re-release of Minus One.
But enough flattery, let’s get serious. The category is Best Documentary Feature - what’s your pick?
GODZILLA: Four Daughters. Couldn’t believe how much it impressed me. When the hell are they gonna nominate a documentary for Best Picture?
CLÁUDIO: Let’s tackle the writing categories next, starting with Original Screenplay. Are you an Anatomy of a Fall voter? Oh, and do you think she did it?
GODZILLA: It’s the only non-American movie in this category, and it’s better than any other script this year. Easiest vote of the night. I don’t think she did it, but I’m just gonna say this: the steel drum instrumental fucks and no one wants to admit it because the husband’s a jag.
CLÁUDIO: De gustibus non est disputandum. If you want to keep going non-American, guess Gerwig and Jefferson are out of the running in Adapted Screenplay. Do you have any feelings about not getting even a passing mention in Oppenheimer?
GODZILLA: God, I really thought I’d have some line ready about this movie but the truth is, I got way too in my own head about it. That’s the guy who made the nuke, who made me, yet I just wish he’d fallen down the stairs and never bombed my country. I don’t wanna get into it or I’m never gonna stop. I’m sure it’ll win a lot of awards and it’ll deserve ‘em but I just can’t . . . . fuck. Can we move on to a different category please?
CLÁUDIO: Of course. I’ll just write down Poor Things.
GODZILLA: Wait, hold up. *leans away from the mic briefly* Junior asked me to tell you to write down Barbie. And they says hi.
CLÁUDIO: Hi, Junior!
In Best Supporting Actress, are you part of the Da’Vine Joy Randolph nation? Or do you want to put an end to the season’s most unstoppable sweep? You must know a thing or two about unstoppable sweeps, though I guess you are usually stopped by the end of the movie.
GODZILLA: Tough question. I wasn’t rooting for Randolph coming into the season, and this whole category is so puny it makes me think Mothra coulda finally been nominated if we got a movie out this year. I’ve already bucked a couple favorites, but my giant heart would feel too tender to see her lose the Oscar at the very last second. And High Fidelity getting canceled is still bullshit. If this lets her do some more real major shit, I’ll be satisfied. You know who I’d be happy to see miss at the end though? Downey Jr.! All that practiced humble smug shit routine and then he gets smacked down at the last second? I’d bust a fucking gut. Junior’s got the cutest “I am Kenough” hoodie they’ll be wearing during the broadcast. Gosling should cakewalk up that fucking stage.
CLÁUDIO: We’re near the end, with only two categories left. Best Director comes first. So, will it be Glazer, Lanthimos, Nolan, Scorsese, or Triet?
GODZILLA: Look at how few Americans we got in this lineup! Fuckin’ sexy, lemme tell ya. I love all these directors, but for these movies, I pick Justine.
CLÁUDIO: And we’re down to the last category - Best Picture. Would you give me your final ranking to wrap this up, Mr. Zilla?
GODZILLA: Now, I gotta admit, I’ve never been a huge fan of the ranked voting for Picture. I got my favorites, that should be enough. But the chance to smack down the chances of a movie I don’t give a shit about? Now that’s beautiful.
Holdovers and American Fiction get the last two slots because they’re shitty filmmaking with awful scripts. Couldn’t get anything out of Zone of Interest or Poor Things, so they’re the next tier. None of these movies are more fulfilling than restoring coral. Putting Oppie in the middle seems like a fair way to not consider it, and I’m sure Lennie wouldn’t mind being right in the middle of a party like this, so Maestro’s there too. Past Lives was very affecting, and it sneaking the win would be fucking great, so Celine gets #4. Barbie would be third for Junior, Killers is second for being the best American option - probably the film that’ll linger longest after the ceremony, if I’m gonna be real - and then Anatomy gets my top vote, because it’s not American and it’s so fucking great. You think I coulda been a good fit for Sandra? Something about watching this artist get vilified for her work when she’s just your average city-leveling bisexual really resonated with me.
CLÁUDIO: You heard it here first, Godzilla is a city-leveling bisexual environmentalist. Jests aside, thank you for the interview, and I hope to see you back in the Oscar race. May you get your own golden toothpick one day.
GODZILLA: Thank you, Sugar Cube. I enjoyed this a lot. We deserve the gold so goddamn much. Free Palestine! People better speak that truth during their goddamn speeches.
The role of Godzilla, King of the Monsters, was played by Nick Taylor, kaiju lover extraordinaire.
Reader Comments (2)
Starting a campaign for Mothra NOW. It could take a few years for traction, though.
NATHANIEL R -- If she gets the nomination, you know she'll be best dressed at the Oscars. No one serves lewks like Mothra,