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Sunday
Nov112012

50 Appropriate Ways to Celebrate Demi Moore's ½ Century Mark

Too few people speak of Demi Moore anymore and that truly saddens me. I grew up with Demi as a big screen goddess and though her star went supernova, flaring so bright you couldn't miss it before unarguably fading, she's still worth celebrating. The 80s and 90s would NOT have been the same without her. Younger generations know her best as the former Mrs. Ashton Kutchner! What a world. What an ignomious fate for someone as good at being a celebrity as she!

50 Ways to Celebrate Demi Moore. I Double Demi Dare you!

  1. Scream until you're hoarse to achieve her suitably sexy voice.
  2. Hook your star to a sexy bald man.
  3. Indulge your inner cougar.
  4. Practice the fine art of being friends with your most famous ex. (Let Bruce & Demi be role models for all)
  5. Refer to yourself as "Mrs. [Whoever You're Dating]" this week on Twitter or Facebook 
  6. Hit the gym at 5 AM all week
  7. Stay there for hours.
  8. Pick up an important cause like ending child sexual slavery.
  9. Or donate to one.
  10. Refuse to speak to your mother
  11. Pose provocatively whenever there's a camera around.
  12. Preferrably naked.

  13. Let someone body paint you. That's such a good look.
  14. Rent St. Elmo's Fire and memorize all of Demi's lines and line readings and throw them into every conversational possible. They're awesome and you will enjoy this.
  15. Have lots of babies
  16. Or collect lots of dolls...
  17. Buy a house in Idaho just for your doll collection
    (actually... maybe don't do this one if you don't want people to think you're a serial killer)
  18. Rename your pets or household objects or friends or, okay... dolls, "Scout", "Rumer" and "Tallulah" and call them this all week until it drives them mad.
  19. Make so many demands that your friends start calling you "Gimme Moore" 
  20. If they object, shave your head and tell them to "suck my dick"
  21. Tell someone who looks like Viggo Mortensen to suck your dick.

  22. Rent G.I. Jane if #s 18 and 19 confuse you.
  23. Rename your current posse "The Brat Pack"...
  24. Decide which of them is EmilioAnthony MichaelRobAndrewJuddMolly, and Ally.
  25. Send Emilio confusing mixed messages but do not sleep with him!
  26. Have a late night naked fridge run with your own personal Rob Lowe.
  27. Sexually harass someone who looks like Michael Douglas.
  28. Take up Kabbalah
  29. Indulge in late night pottery sessions.
  30. Listen to "Unchained Melody" while doing that
  31. ...don't be afraid to get your hands dirty, especially if you can convince your lover to reenact the most famous "Ghost" sequence with you. (If you do this thing, please send me a thank you note and maybe a photo.)
  32. Blame it on Rio!
  33. Admit that you've never read "The Scarlet Letter".
  34. Open all your windows and sit in the middle of a cold empty room in just a night shirt and be a big drama queen about it until a friend talks some sense into you. (This one will be hard to accomplish since what's so dangerous about sitting in a room with windows open?)

  35. Practice crying until you can make one teardrop fall dramatically from your left eye.
  36. Have dinner at Planet Hollywood. Unironically.
  37. Build contentious relationships with the help.
  38. With litigation if necessary.
  39. Take the fall for someone else's error and refer to it as a 'Margin Call'

  40. Do a striptease routine in the mirror to an Annie Lennox tune. 
  41. Remember that you are still hot shit.
  42. Remember that weird split second when Demi was rumored to be joining the cast of Magic Mike
  43. Post a tasteful nude or near nude photo of yourself on Twitter
  44. ...swear it isn't photoshopped to anyone who will listen !!!
  45. Dare to parade around in bikinis with people much younger than you. 
  46. Rent Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle.
  47. Rent A Few Good Men
  48. Plan for the future as only a true diva can...

    This is the 80s. Bop him for a few years. Get his job when he gets his hand caught in the vault. Become a legend. Do a Black Mink ad. Get caught in a sex scandal. Retire in massive disgrace. Write a huge best seller and become the fabulous host of my own talk show."
    -Demi as "Jules" in St. Elmo's Fire
  49. You've reached the end of this celebration, and if you've done even, oh seven of these things, please seek help for exhaustion. You've earned the R&R!
  50. Consider the past 49 ways to celebrate and find renewed appreciation for Demi. So few 'bad girl' celebrity divas have entertained on & offscreen with as much style.

 

Related:
"And waste all this good coke?" -- St. Elmo's Fire 25th Anniversary Celebration 
Bridget & Demi - a moment from Jackie Brown (1997)
'Appropriate Ways to Celebrate'... Elizabeth Taylor 
'Appropriate Ways to Celebrate'... Meryl Streep 
'Appropriate Ways to Celebrate'... Tilda Swinton 

 

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Reader Comments (20)

The 80s and 80s would NOT have been the same without her.

November 11, 2012 | Unregistered Commenter3rtful

I've never read The Scarlet Letter!!!!!!

OK, I've read the first page or something. I'll finish it eventuallyyyy.

Happy birthday Demi! You've always been a fun presence in my life. That's not faint praise.

November 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJames T

[ 7. Stay their for hours. ]

There, they're, their...

Today's assignment: please write 3 sentences using each of these correctly. Once you have accomplished this task, re-write this blog with zero typographic or sentence structure errors.

November 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKeith

I agree with Keith.

ANDDDDDDDDDDD the only thing I know this woman for is marrying to get ahead and for being the first actress to make millions for stripping, thus furthering the demeaning of women in Hollywood.

That kind of talent ends quickly.

November 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMua

Nat, I´m confused with the term "actressexual". Granted, I´m not one but I always though it was all about acting talent. If so, would you honestly think of Demi Moore as a gifted actress or something along those lines? I mean, she is still hot but there are zillions of hot women that don´t get the attention she gets...
What makes her so special?

November 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLuca

Keith -- don't be a dick. Or write your own blog and never make a typo. LOL. I'm fully aware of all the theres theirs and they'res under the sun ;)

Luca -- it's not all about talent... though obviously talent tends to have the most impact in terms of various obsessions. Some actresses one loves because of their public persona. I happen to love Demi because she's an awesome celebrity... or maybe because I grew up with her. Whichever.

Mua -- i'm baffled that you think Demi married to get ahead? Demi was PLENTY famous before Bruce or Ashton. In fact she was just as famous as Bruce before their marriage and both of them benefited from the marriage in terms of their fame (DIE HARD and GHOST both happened *after* they were wed.) And movie stars have always traded on their sex appeal. Nothing new or shameful about that.

November 11, 2012 | Registered CommenterNATHANIEL R

What would your top 3 demi perforamncxes and why??

Would you ever have considered her for a film bitch nod or do you think she was ever seriously incontention for an oscar nod.


Do you think she is a competent actress.

November 11, 2012 | Unregistered Commentermark

I've finished The Scarlet Letter. It was one of the only texts in 19th Century American Lit that I finished, if that's any consolation. Reading that made me feel sorry for Ted Haggard. Also, she and Emma Stone need to out-Hester each other.

ANYWAY, Demi and Glenn Close have #27 in common. #DropsMic

November 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterPaolo

OH and P.S. I'm not best friends with one of the many guys I've but I'm playing Words With Friends with him right now does that count as doing number 4?

November 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterPaolo

I'll go to the boards with Nat, re: Demi. She was *the* '90s actress, and, like her contemporary Sharon Stone, had a niche but filled it WELL. I miss the balls-to-the-wall bitch/divas (and I don't either of those latter terms lightly...or pejoratively) and am glad to have grown up in the 80's and 90's (pre-political correctness) when you could appreciate them *with* irony. Happy Birthday, Demi!

November 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMareko

Seriously, if you only know Demi for marrying Bruce and making a stripping movie, you really don't know anything.
She really was a fun celebrity, and she's made a lot of movies better. I've been trying to think of any celebrity equivalents we have now and drawing a blank. I don't know if 80s-90s Demi could exist in current celebrity culture.

November 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMike in Canada

Damn it, Mareko... You said what I was trying to say, but way better. :)

November 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMike in Canada

You forgot to add "Have an affair with Leonardo DiCaprio in Paris" to the list!
Who doesn't love Demi Moore?

November 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTyler

how about celebrating her for one of the things she is most famous for? -> plastic surgery

and you can have a "Plastic surgery, talented, and not so talented" post

where you will of course include her, Jane Fonda, Cher, and many others.

November 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterYavor

Mareko -- i appreciate the camraderie!

November 11, 2012 | Registered CommenterNATHANIEL R

I just noticed that hilarious typo /3rtful referred to. Ugh. would that i had the money to hire a proofreader... or the time to do it myself.

November 11, 2012 | Registered CommenterNATHANIEL R

Nathan you don't have Microsoft Word?

Tomorrow is my 30th with Anne Hathaway and it's also Grace Kelly and Ryan Gosling's birthday. The 13th is Whoopi Goldberg's, Chris Noth, and Jimmy Kimmel—don't forget today is also Leo's birthday, DiCaprio. He was so cute in Gay Edgar.

November 12, 2012 | Unregistered Commenter3rtful

Actually my dog's called Tallulah, only that I named her after Bankhead!

November 12, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSeisgrados

@Mike in Canada - Danke! I suspected for a hot minute that Megan Fox might take up the charge for her generation, but...er, no. Gimme Moore!

November 12, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMareko

Demi can act. She cried 27 different ways in Ghost. The movie would not have been such a huge hit with another actress in that part.

I'm not being ironic, I'm serious. See also About Last Night.

November 12, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBiggs

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