Because we aren't in Cannes, we're gazing at the gowns and only dreaming of the films -- I personally don't like to read too many reviews months before seeing the pictures -- for this edition, which was actually recorded a couple nights ago, I have Jose with me. He's been tracking Nicole Kidman's every move but he's stepping away from the Australian Icon (okay, being dragged away. He really dug his heels in) and joining me to talk other beauties...
NATHANIEL: Hey, Jose. Welcome back to Red Carpet Convos and thanks for taking up the Kidman-Watch. She was absentia today in Cannes (at least to the paparazzi) so it's going to take 11 women to replace her.
JOSE: No one replaces Nic *sobs*
NATHANIEL: Eleven beauties, Jose. Let's start with the ladies who came out for The Great Gatsby but weren't in it.
I'm cheating a little bit to include her as, as far as I can tell, she wasn't at the actual premiere but at some sort of afterparty. [lots more after the jump]
NATHANIEL: Right. Meryl as Jury President and Nicole & Julianne back her up. All traditional awards are replaced by Actressing Honors.
JOSE: I also, I'm not sure when was the last time I saw Bai Ling before this...what the hell has she been up to?
NATHANIEL: Being crazy. Writing poetry. She went all shimmery just like Naomie Harris. And speaking of Moneypenny shouldn't Bai Ling have been an evil Bond girl by now?
JOSE: I feel like Bai and Fan Bingbing are like the evil/good twins who only make appearances on red carpets
NATHANIEL: Fan Bingbing also makes appearances in "thank yous" at the end of motion pictures. She's crazy connected. And I don't know if you remember this but I once tried to track what she wore each day at Cannes (like you're doing with Kidman now) and it was INSANE. She must have had hundreds of trunks of gowns with her.
Fanbingbing is also in the new X-Men movie.
JOSE: Bless her. Is she playing a mutant with sartorial powers?
NATHANIEL: No. Because those X-Men movies have shitboring costumes, amiright?
JOSE: You're right. I'm sure I've seen her photobombing every single thing I've seen about this year's festival. Question, how do we know she doesn't have an army of clones that wear all those beautiful clothes for her?
NATHANIEL: Fan Bingbing as MULTIPLE MAN. No one remembers him from X-Men Last Stand anyway. I love this concept of Bai & Bingbing as evil/good twins though. Someone should pitch a movie about this *immediately* Baz Luhrmann should direct (i will be assigning him all future film pitches that I'd rather seen then another Hamlet... which means I will be assigning him literally ALL future film pitches.
JOSE: Ha! Or maybe they can be in that new Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon sequel. I'd pay good money to see Bai kick some wuxia ass.
NATHANIEL: Speaking of clones, I'd prefer if Michelle Yeoh played all roles in that movie, including Chow Yun Fat's.
JOSE: *co-signs *
NATHANIEL: Let's move on to the actual Gatsby team... though I can't say I have much to say about them.
JOSE: Not even how much you wish you could be Florence Welch and wear your Miu-Miu nightgown to a red carpet in France? Or how much Lana del Rey's Lana Hoschek's, Rorschach test-dress freaks you out? And how much it reminds you of this?
NATHANIEL: I do not ever want to be reminded of that. I told you I had nothing to say about the Gatsby team though I love Isla Fisher's pose here... oh, this ? who, me? Baz probably doesn't even remember she was in the movie by now -- this is the point in the post where I am experience extreme Kidman withdrawal -- Let's look at her Gatsby premiere dress again. AHHHHhhhhh much better.
JOSE: I think Isla decided on red like Satine to make Baz notice her. But obviously failed. Can you please add a huge yellow car running this look over?
NATHANIEL: LOL. This is beyond my photoshop skill... though I'll try and use the 1949 Gatsby murder as inspiration.
JOSE: Well, at least readers can have the image in their minds I guess. All they need to do is add yet another version of that awful Lana del Rey song in the background and ta-dah = Gatsby clip!
NATHANIEL: You've already turned against next year's Best Original Song performances?
JOSE: I will run over Oscar in the big yellow car if he makes me listen to that Lana del Rey song on Oscar night. They should just bring back Shirley Bassey and have her do "Goldfinger" every year
NATHANIEL: "Goldfinger" five times each Oscar night. Ha!
Okay, moving on to The Bling Ring.
JOSE: The most important movie of the summer. Bling Ring is my Iron Rim of Dark World Steel 3 -- I don't need any superheroes this year.
NATHANIEL: I've included two shots of Sofia & Emma, to the left we have their premiere looks and to the right the photocall, always more casual.
JOSE: Did you see the picture of Florence Welch's apartment in Vogue? it reminded me of both Fiona Shaw's shop from True Blood and Sofia's Marie Antoinette.
NATHANIEL: That's it, I'm subletting. Get her on Airbnb!
JOSE: Emma's Chanel is lovely, but it ages her so much. She should've gone crazy ass HUGE skirt.
NATHANIEL: Emma can afford to be aged a little. She is all of 23! I hope her acting keeps improving cuz we're stuck with her for a LONG time. Her photocall look is very "Accio Throw Pillow*"
NATHANIEL: *Joanna at Pajiba couldn't be here tonight for our discussion but sends that joke in her place!