Lukewarm off the Presses: Tetris and Angry Birds Movies
Tuesday, October 7, 2014 at 7:24PM All our jokes are coming true...
Margaret here, reminiscing back to when The LEGO Movie was first announced and we were all so dismissive and full of wisecracks. Hollywood must really be out of ideas, we said. What's next, a Tetris movie?
Well, it's official: a big-budget, live-action Tetris movie is coming and there's nothing we can do about it. Cue the death knell for original stories! Also in the pipeline is an Angry Birds animated feature, which in addition to being less than inspired might also a bit past its moment. Sony has rounded up an enticing group of voice actors including Maya Rudolph, Peter Dinklage, Kate McKinnon, Danielle Brooks, Jason Sudeikis, Bill Hader, and Danny McBride; even so, the concept sounds destined for corporate tie-in mediocrity. Then again, that's what many predicted for The LEGO Movie, which turned out to be much better than it had any right to be.
Perhaps even for the Tetris movie it's not too late. As yet there is no fixed plot or cast attached to the Tetris project. Brainstorm with me! How might we spin this in our favor?
To start, here are some ideas for a Tetris movie in our favorite genre here at The Film Experience: Women Who Lie to Themselves™
- Julianne Moore is a celebrated game engineer, but in her personal life she just can't seem to make things fit. (Must include at least one extended crying jag.)
- Lifelong friends Juliette Lewis and Emayatzy Corinealdi have inherited a factory that produces Tetriminos--apparently the official term for Tetris pieces-- and must rise to the challenge of managing it together.
- Michelle Pfeiffer is a writer who, Adaptation-style, is tasked with writing a screenplay for a Tetris movie and grapples with artistic integrity and personal demons.
Pitch your ideas for a TFE-friendly Tetris movie in the comments!
Reader Comments (13)
Margaret, I love you. This totally made me LOL when you went there unexpectedly.
"Meryl Streep loses her husband and turns to Tetris for confort. When she unexpectedly gets good (cue sappy romantic comedy where the lead is a ditz at first but then becomes wise and savyy at whatever she tries to accomplish) she decides to participate in the World Tetris Tournament.
Little does she know... her archrival Glenn Close is there to once again steal her crown. They've been rivals forever... But this time Meryl won't back down. With the help of Octavia Spencer as the sassy minority best friend (you know Hollywood loves those) and her new romance in her life Steve Martin (which of course Glenn Close's character will also try to steal). Cher cameos singing "You matched that tile into my heart", a song which is a shoo-in for next year's Oscars "
And THERE'S your movie! ;)
@Jay: *stands, applauds* Fabulous. They already have my 12.50.
Though I am naming myself a studio exec in this situation and I am going to fight tooth and nail for a better part for Ms. Spencer. #JusticeForOctavia
I forgot to mention Tilda Swinton as stylist/hairdresser whatever job that performs a make-over on Meryl. That's always a staple of those, too. :)
And feel free to change Octavia's part, Margaret ;) after all, you're paying for the movie! ;)
i think the last scenario the screenplay writer wrestling with inner demons and artistic integrity is obviously the most true to life to whoever gets this assignment.
Tetris is so abstract that I think it can be considered an original story.
I mean, the screenplay is not adapted, right?
Nicole Kidman plays Anastasia, a princess thrown into a well as a political gambit by the sinister Grigori. The well she is trapped in is slowly collapsing, but with the help of magical bricks that begin descending from the sky, she begins to discover that she is perhaps not as helpless as she thought. She buttresses the collapsing foundations with the magical blocks but soon discovers that she can also build steps to get out of her mysterious confinement.
Tetris is a powerful statement and metaphor of the lies men tell women, the lies women believe, and the steps they take to get to the truth.
The movie also features:
Patrick Wilson as Prince Nikolai, who has been looking for Anastasia for 10 years and beginning to lose all hope (and clothes), Liam Neeson as Grigori. and coming out of retirement, Maggie Cheung as the conflicted Tang, who drops parcels of food for Anastasia.
Also features: 5 minute close up shots of Nicole Kidman's face as she contemplates whether to use the L or T block, Maggie Cheung drifting ethereally in the snowy forest clad all in white with a rose red basket of food, and Patrick Wilson singing while shirtless.
Toni Collette is a celebrated Broadway actress in the midst of a mid-life crises. To keep her sanity she starts playing Tetris to calm herself before big auditions and performances. A career revival thanks to a savvy young producer (Jake Gyllenhaal), a writer facing the same demons (Hugh Jackman), and a fresh-faced talent looking to make his big break (Mark Salling) throws the already stressed actress in to the middle of the Lead Actress (in a Musical) Tony race. As the Tony race heats up, she comes into conflict with her costars (Audra McDonald, Amber Riley, and Ewan McGregor) and her rivals for the trophy (Angela Lansbury, Bernadette Peters, and Megan Hilty). Will everything fall into place like her newfound love for the video game? Or will everything build up until she cannot handle it anymore?
This would also be a musical.
Despite deriving from a toy brand I thought the LEGO movie was fairly original and inventive. The same could be true for Tetris. I mean, it's not like there's a plot already implied in the game (as there is with Angry Birds--yuck!). I think this would give the potential screenwriter the opportunity to integrate the game however s/he chooses.
Y'all's suggested plots sound wonderful and hilarious. But I would bet money that the eventual film is less inspired and reminiscent of Ender's Game.
Didn't Michelle Pfeiffer already do that for I Could Never Be Your Woman?
Altough, I'll watch her anything.
Channing Tatum, Joseph-Gordon Levitt, Daniel Craig, Matt Bomer and Rupert Penry-Jones (Look him up!) are unjustly imprisoned inside an unnamed evil foreign superpower where they have been stripped of their clothes (because they tried to tie them together to make a rope but someone wouldn't give up his tighty whities (I suspect a personal problem over perceived (or real) "size" issue) and the rope wasn't long enough so they got caught.). They are sentenced to the nearly bottomless pit for their crime by the evil panel of super evil warrior women (Streep, Adams, Swank, Bening, Phieffer, Woodley, Davis(s), Kidman and Watts (some photoed separately because they refused to share the same set)). Their only hope of escape and life is to push huge square stones into openings to prevent the ledge they are standing.........yeah, yeah, yeah, you know how to play the game),
HOWEVER (since this is my screenplay and the third act needs some spice (and a couple of the men's agents refused to allow them to film the explicit sex scenes I originally wrote)) they must do this while dodging massive boulders tossed at them by the evil warrior women guard led by Xena.....uh.....Lawless, Chastain, Liu, Stewart, Basset and Foster as the seasoned, wise but alcohol dependent voice of reason who remembers when the sexes lived almost together respecting each other's privacy).
It could easily be a musical with dance numbers.
Roger Deakens, Sandy Powell and Pet Shop Boys figure in the tech credits. To be directed by Bigelow. Voice over by Swinton.
There is a nice little subplot involving a love story between Penry-Jones and the writer.....oh wait.....that part is only for the screen test (although it may appear as an extra on the DVD).
F, PoliVamp, Dusty, Henry, and Jay:
You're all hired! Have the scripts on my desk by Monday. Perhaps we can get a Capote-biopic-style glut of Tetris in here-- all of these should be made!!!
Maragret--You got it boss. I'll type my fingers to the bone, spreading blood from q to ? I have to replace one of my male actors though. It appears the "size" issue didn't exist only in the script.
I'm thinking Shemar Moore, Edgar Rameriz or Eduardo Noriega Jr as the replacement. Any preferences?