Stocking Stuffers (of Our Dreams)
Monday, December 22, 2014 at 10:41PM 
Year in Review: Two yummy lists per day. Alexa is off for the holiday so I'm subverting her her arts & crafts "Curio" column for a gift list - Nathaniel
I can't imagine that the wee moviegoers of the world won't be getting all the Big Hero 6, LEGO and Groot goodies their hearts desire over Christmas but here are ten stocking stuffers we wish we could play with on Thursday morning.
Listen, nobody is ever going to serve the niche within the niche within the niche markets -- I 've accepted that fact that I'll never own Vera Drake action figures or, to quote Waiting for Guffman, a Remains of the Day lunchbox. But that shouldn't stop the dreaming. Some of the following prezzies inspired by 2014 movies, would surely put huge smiles on the face of your cinephile loved ones. Some of these you can actually stuff in stockings. Others do not exist. But we're in the list-making mood. Tis the season.
11 Last Minute Gift Ideas From Real to Imaginary
11. Snowpiercer original graphic novel for sale here
10. Mendl's Bakery Memorabilia all over the place at Etsy
9. Amazing Amy books for download... or Carrie Coon's "Protect Your Nuts" tee for order but if you're going with any Gone Girl inspired gifts make sure create your own scavenger hunt series of clues for your victim... excuse me, beloved. I meant beloved!
08. Splitters a la Begin Again
You can actually buy these of course, and walk around with two sets of headphones playing the same beautiful music. Put them in your loved ones stocking but make sure you've downloaded the Begin Again soundtrack so you can listen together as you walk around the city. Such a great CD.
07. Pride Collectible Dolls. Complete Set Only.
These don't exist but they should for parents raising empathetic socially conscious tiny humans. The only way this motley cast of gay boys, burly miners, punk lesbians, stout women, and Imelda Stauntons could be any more adorable is if they were all miniature so they could fit into your pocket.
06. Foxcatcher team shirts order these
05. Snowpiercer Protein Bar
If you are a whiz in the kitchen and can figure out how to make a fascimile of one of those disgusting gelatinous black rectangle food products and get it in your friends stocking intact without making a big mess, you absolutely win Christmas. Especially if your friend has already seen and loved Snowpiercer.
04. Mommy Necklace
You can actually buy this one from Agnes B. but this gift comes with lots of baggage. Especially if you are a temperamental gayby giving it to the diva who gave you life.
03. "the cow as white as milk, the cape as red as blood, the hair as yellow as corn, and the slipper as pure as gold"
For Creative Amateur Santas only. If you have a Sondheim fanatic in your life who is desperate to see Into the Woods later in the day, get wee versions of these makeshift ingredients in their stocking. They'll put the pieces of the puzzle together quickly and love you forever for your theatricality ... especially if there are Into the Woods tickets at the bottom of the stocking.
02. Neighbors Dildos
Don't judge. Want a Dave or a Zac? I mean the props department had to make those so where's the mass marketing tie-in, one dildo for each of the movie's frat brothers.
01 Edge of Tomorrow Action Figures
Dead serious about this one and rage that it does not exist. Why is there no 'Full Metal Bitch' action figure? Why must female heroines continue to be undermarketed? Emily Blunt's badass Rita" so deserved an action figure with a ton of detachable paraphenalia. You know she did.
Reader Comments (11)
I WOULD KICKSTART PRIDE DOLLS SO HARD.
Just watched David Oyelowo on Fallon. So charming and funny. The clip looked great too.
I want a David Oyelowo doll in my stocking.
Snowpiercer Protein Bar as the new Lump of Coal = genius.
So, off topic but Robert Redford just ruined Christmas. I'd be curious to see some analysis of the locations of film releases relative to their awards performances. In San Francisco, Into the Woods will be showing at the two craptastic AMC theaters. What self-respecting musical fan wants to spend Christmas in one of those two hellholes? I think the only oscar nominated films screening there are animated. I recall seeing dreamgirls at AMC, and we know what happened to that. Meanwhile, big eyes is opening at sundance while foxcatcher disappears. I take that as a sign for January 15.
Un Courtesan au Chocolat s'il vous plait.
I hate you for introducing me to Mendl's Bakery Memorabilia.
I actually went online and ordered my girlfriend a splitter after watching Begin Again. It is literally sitting in her stocking right now.
Michael C -- awwww. that's awesome. you should have a photo taken walking through the city at night. Begin Again ...Again!
These are great! I'd like to recommend in honor of Get On Up--James Brown's Funky Christmas album, featuring Track 3, the classic Santa Claus, Go Straight to the Ghetto. James did three holiday albums, but this is the most famous, and rightly so.
I want quite a few of these; splitters are ideal stocking stuffers, (Michael C -well done!) along with Pride collectable set, and best of all Rita -Full Metal Bitch Action doll. Why doesn't this exist??? -Emily Blunt in her exo-suit is right up there with Sigourney Weaver in Alien.
But in the meantime in the spirit of the season I will play with my little "Chef" food truck.
brookesboy - ohman. i was totally going to include James Brown. oopsie. thanks for the suggestion.