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« Best Shot: Any Batman Film (1966-2012) | Main | Queen of the Desert Pic and Nicole in the Oscar Race? »
Tuesday
Jul152014

Tues Top Twenty: Halfway Hotties (Best of 2014)

The power of list compels me! Yes, yes, I need to move on from halfway mark madness (we've previously covered best visuals, best acting, best sounds, and best movies) since they're already out of date and it's been so busy what with chart updates (in progress), Emmy nominations, Smackdown panel announcements, Dawn of the Planet and Apes, Boyhood. We need to be back in THE NOW. But I'm dragging my feet mostly because I really like what 2014's been giving. I'm crushing on it hard and thinking about asking it to go steady. 

This is the final halfway mark list. A shorter version of it was published in my column at Towleroad which happens to be "a site with homosexual tendencies" but I've significantly altered it for you because you are all movie mad and the best moviegoers are polysexual when it comes to lusting after big screen beauty.

Why aren't old favorites in this list?
This list is dedicated to Steve Rogers' impossibly broad shoulders and Natasha Romanoff's awesome cleavage (it was generous of Scarlett to unzip for that helicopter scene, don't you think?) but here's the thing. Doing the same shtick over and over again is not sexy. It's like choosing between missionary style and horizontal with man on top. So I've determined that people are totally ineligible if we've seen them do their character multiple times so no franchise babes that aren't newbies or signifantly altered.

Why isn't Marion Cotillard's Immigrant on this list?
Because we'd feel guilty if we lusted after beautiful Polish immigrants who are tricked into becoming sad whores to provide for their sickly sister.

20 HOTTEST ACTOR/CHARACTERS OF 2014 

 

20 Tom Hiddleston as “The Great Escapo” in Muppets Most Wanted
Boyfriend Material?: Great sense of humor. Into light bondage to spice things up. Looks fiiiiine in a pair of longjohns. Is, to date, the only performance in the Muppets 35 year franchise that’s likely to cause pervy crotch-focused gifs on the internet.
Dealbreaker: Probably in a Russian gulag for a reason

 

19 Nick Thurston as “Blue Eyes” in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes 
Boyfriend Material?: "Blue Eyes" is right... so soulful. This one's for the plushies... but not the bears. Blue Eyes hates the bears. Easily manipulated (a plus for you control freaks). Plus scars can make you strong / give you character. 
Dealbreaker: Limited conversationalist. Daddy issues.

18 more AFTER THE JUMP...

 

18 Logan Lerman as “Ham” OR Emma Watson as "Ila" in Noah
Boyfriend/Girlfriend Material?: Desperate and cute. Totally will (go forth and multiply!). They're super kind to animals which is always a good sign of character.
Dealbreaker: Desperate is not cute. Ham never comes when he's called and Ila is barren and what's up with that annoying eyebrow twitch? Plus: Paralyzing Daddy issues. 

 

17 Dawid Ogronik as "Lis" in Ida
Boyfriend Material?: Would like to absolutely ruin your celibacy vows. This one's for those who find musicians irresistible (but if you'd like to trade him out for Mark Ruffalo Ham or Adam Levine Beard in Begin Again, they're all yours.) 
Dealbreaker: Life on the road. 

16 Sam Reid and Gugu Mbatha-Raw as "John Davinier & Dido Elizabeth Belle" in Belle
Boyfriend/Girlfriend Material?: Amazing strength of character and strength of hotness, too. Always well dressed.
Dealbreaker: They're not that into you. One of those couples that can be gaggy to be around they're so madly in love. 

 

15 Everyone in Joe Manganiello's La Bare
Boyfriend Material?: Hot body, plenty of spending money (mostly $1s but still)
Dealbreaker: Vain. Never available to cuddle in the evenings. Self-employed and that job isn't going to last forever.

14 Michael Ealy as "Danny" in About Last Night
Boyfriend Material? To quote his co-star "his eyes. his body... his mouth" He knows he's beautiful but is totally relaxed about it so he can focus on you. (Did you ever see him on "Almost Human"? Pity that got cancelled so early. He brings the chemistry... even when playing a robot.)
Dealbreaker: 80s remakes are a pox. A pox on all our houses. 

13 Marine Vacth as "Isabelle" in Young & Beautiful
Girlfriend Material?: Sexy, beautiful, speaks French
Dealbreaker: Wants to be paid. Prefers anonymity. Possibly troubled but she's so withholding who can say? So skinny that you can sometimes lose her altogether -did that ocean breeze just carry her away? Did she fall through that sidewalk grate?

 

12 Pierre Deladonchamps as “Franck” in Stranger by the Lake 
Boyfriend Material?: Extremely easy on the eyes. Extremely easy. No attitude. Outdoorsy. DTF. 
Dealbreaker: Extremely limited interests. Not into safer sex.

 

11 Jake Lacy as “Max” in Obvious Child 
Boyfriend Material?: Not controlling. Sane. Easy to charm. Totally into you even when you're being a bitch. 
Dealbreaker: A bit vanilla. 

10 Jay Baruchel as "Hiccup" OR Kit Harrington as "Eret" in How to Train Your Dragon 2 
Boyfriend Material?: Shout out to anyone who has found themselves returning to David Kawena’s “Disney Heroes” gallery to see if there were any new drawings (Yes, I know these dragon riders don’t belong to Disney – don’t be so literal). Hiccup is loyal, brave, sensitive, tactile and keeps perfectly maintained stubble. He'll even let you braid his hair he's so easy to chill with. Meanwhile Eret has big glistening muscles that makes the ladies (okay, one lady) drool and actually manages to change for the better; trainable just like dragons.
Dealbreaker: He'll always love his cat/dog more than you. 

09 Rose Byrne as "Kelly Radner" in Neighbors
Girlfriend Material?: Duh! Take her home to meet the parents and book a church. Sexy, maternal, funny, resourceful, beautiful, smart, keeps it tight. 
Dealbreaker: She's got a bit of a grudge-holding vindictive streak.

08 Fan Bingbing as "Blink" in X-Men: Days of Future Past
Girlfriend Material?: Foxy as f***. Cleavage. Perfect hair.
Dealbreaker: You can't win in an argument with her. She'll put you in your place. No, no, that other place. 

 

07 Ralph Fiennes as "M Gustave" in The Grand Budapest Hotel
Boyfriend Material?: Love a man in uniform? So great in the sack that rich heiresses will leave him fortunes in their wills. Exceedingly cultured, educated, intelligent. Autoerotic magnetism... you need not be a beauty to turn him on.
Dealbreaker: What's monogamy? Also: Workaholic.

 

06 Jake Gyllenhael & Jake Gyllenhaal as “Adam” and “Anthony” in Enemy
Boyfriend Material?: Jake Gyllenhaal twice over for the polyamorous you. Otherwise how to choose between them?
Dealbreaker: Doesn't know himself. Has a bit of a dark side.

05 Teddy's Dildo in Neighbors
Boyfriend Material?: This is strictly NSA.
Dealbreaker: If Teddy comes with his mold. He's got no future... he's a douchebag. It's all downhill from Abercrombie & Fitch.

 

04 Anthony Mackie as "The Falcon" in Captain America: Winter Soldier
Boyfriend Material?: Loyal, brave, handsome, funny. Surprisingly flexible given the musculature. Ego free since he doesn't mind playing sidekick
Dealbreaker: Shut up about Marvin Gaye and your war stories, already.

03 Emily Blunt as "Full Metal Bitch" in Edge of Tomorrow
Girlfriend Material?: Agile, instinctive, athletic, multi-tasking and relentless... obviously dynamite in the sack.
Dealbreaker: No time to coddle you so you'd best be self sufficient. ♩It's u and ur hand tonight ♫

 

02 Luke Pasqualino as “Grey” in Snowpiercer
Boyfriend Material?: So athletic he's mesmerizing in action. VGL. Will rush to your rescue every single damn time you need him.
Dealbreaker: Probably hasn't bathed in a really long time - damn you, futuristic dystopias!

01 Scarlett Johansson as "___?" in Under the Skin
Girlfriend Material?: You'll follow her anywhere.
Dealbreaker:  You won't be coming back. 

 

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Reader Comments (33)

This is my favorite post of the year.

July 15, 2014 | Unregistered Commentercal roth

cal - thank u. it was super fun to write but i sense crickets. lol.

July 15, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterNATHANIEL R

Yeah ScarJo!!!!!!!!!

But if you're repping Pierre for Strangers By The Lake why not Christophe Paou? Not only made me question my sexuality but he's so hot he'd make a man overlook him committing murder and still be bangable.

July 15, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCMG

CMG- the pornstache upset me too much (well, that and the murderousness)

July 15, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterNATHANIEL R

Blink- Oh my gosh I am still talking to my friends about her. Even her power is visually beautiful.

July 15, 2014 | Unregistered Commentertom

WINNER!

July 15, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterBrianZ

Wyatt Russell in 22 Jump Street!

Great choices - really need to see Neighbors soon...

July 15, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTravis

I recently saw Young and Beautiful and I was totally captivated by that young lady. It´s been a while since I got a crush on an actress. But, damn! what an effortless sexy thing.

July 15, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterLuca

So much yes. ScarJo should get bonus points for Black Widow too.

July 15, 2014 | Unregistered Commentereurocheese

Despite his homophobic dialogue (which is not cute from Wes Anderson's keyboard) is Adrien Brody in The Grand Budapest Hotel. I often forget how cute he is under most circumstances.

July 15, 2014 | Unregistered Commenter3rtful

Anthony Mackie gets all the hotness and charm points for me -- he is so, so lovely in CA:TWS. I would also put the tormented Bucky Barnes (Sebastian Stan) in there with his deadly looks and his sexy murder walk, but the only person he is incapable of killing seems to be one Steve Rogers, so that puts a damper on the festivities.

July 15, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterF

This is the best post ever. I'm adding Michael Fassbender in 'Frank' to my list, though!

July 15, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAnna

Scar-Jo Bitch!!!!

July 15, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSteven

Pierre Niney as Yves Saint Laurent in the film of the same name.

Boyfriend material: He lived for beauty.

Dealbreaker: He lived for drama.

July 15, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSan FranCinema

In love with this feature. We should all be making this list constantly. Only criticism? Needs more Jamie Bell.

July 15, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTB

lol at your Marion Cotillard comment.

July 15, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAnonny

I love that you included Michael Ealy. What do you think of the remake, Nat?

July 15, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDrew

Spoiler alert on Stranger by the Lake:

I feel like "doesn't mind if you're a murderer" should be on there. For me that's a deal-breaker but maybe not for all....

July 15, 2014 | Unregistered Commentercatbaskets

God, that top 4 is SCORCHING.

July 15, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterRyan T.

I'm still Team Rogen for "Neighbors" but the Dildo does help.

July 15, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterforever1267

Hmmm - when it comes to Neighbors I'm on Team Dave Franco - but I totally get picking Rose Byrne, who's ever so appealing. My #1 of the year so far isn't on the list - Hiddleston in Only Lovers Left Alive.

Thanks for this fun piece (which provides yet one more reason for me to be excited to see Snowpiercer).

July 15, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterScottC

I am totally behind your choice of Rose Byrne, she was HOT AS HELL in Neighbours.

I can also get on board with this Luke Pasqualino fandom. I thought he was gorgeous as the young William Adama in BSG: Blood and Chrome, and even more so when I recognised him in Snowpiercer. So watchable!

July 16, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAndrew

Oh my God I actually bit my lip in the theater when Luke Pasqualino showed up. OH. MY. GAWWWD.

July 16, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterWalter L. Hollmann

Thank you for this post!
I think I have to watch many movies next week-end.

July 16, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterIvonne

Scarlett <3

July 16, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJohn

ScarJo FTW. What a woman, what a performance and what a piece of filmmaking Under the Skin was!

July 16, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCarlos

I totally agree with your choices of Dawid Ogronik and Jake Lacy, but I think I would have switched their positions on the list.

It's obvious, though, that you haven't yet seen Locke, because Tom Hardy in that is the sexiest man on the screen so far this year.

July 16, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterBill_the_Bear

ScarJo. Her stripping the clothes off that poor girl and kittening herself up for action was beyond. Brava!

July 16, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMareko

What a fun writeup, Nathan!

YES, I'm on board the Pasqualino Express! Here's my exclusive pass. Destination: Ecstasy.

That pic of Emily Blunt is what fierce used to mean before it became a bad cliche.

I worship Rose Byrne. She's the closest we'll ever get to having another Greer Garson.

July 16, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterbrookesboy

I think I'm in love with an ape.

July 16, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterRaul

Pls publish something like this more often. Kthanks. Even if no one is commenting, I can assure you that they're all ogling out of their minds.

July 16, 2014 | Unregistered Commenteralice

alice and all -- if you want more posts of any type you have to make them popular with shares and what not. :) this was sreally fun to write.

July 16, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterNathaniel R

Raul -- the Nick version or the actual ape version? This is an important distinction

July 18, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterNATHANIEL R

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