Red Carpet Convo: Emmy Reds, Midriff Blues

In this edition of Red Carpet Convo Nathaniel talks to Mark Blankenship of The Critical Condition and our resident fashion obsessive Jose. 

Nathaniel: Is it too late to talk about the Emmy divas and their dresses. This pop culture wheel does spin madly these days -- knocking me right off my axis sometimes.
Jose: We're only a day behind E!'s own red carpet talk (not that comparing onself to E! is any sort of compliment.)
Mark: We can think of it as a gift we're giving to a busy world. Sit back. Relax. Fondly remember days gone by... Sunday gone by.

Karen, A Good Wife, Crazy, Gwynnie, Skinny

Nathaniel: Well, it's horrible to follow Joan Rivers but then our purposes are never quite the same with our red carpet coverage. We're here to talk about the ladies and we're less bitchy and we're allowed to discuss actual careers, too. If we're so moved. I think we should start with this "Worst" collection and get the negativity out of the way.
Jose: You did NOT just put Gwynnie in your worst list.
Nathaniel: I did. Left to right. Megan Mullaly. I instantly regret putting her here because at least there are colors other than reds but it reminds me of this one tie I wore back when I thought loud colorful ties were fashionable simply because men's clothing was such a sedative.
Jose: I didn't even know she'd been to the Emmys. I have nothing against the dress at least it's a change from her usual black pant suit look.
Mark: The dress is kind of overwhelming. Like, you expect to unfold it and discover it's actually a giant, silk screened print of an Impressionist painting.
Nathaniel: Damnit, now I like it more.

Nick & MeganMark: Is she on television now in the absence of Party Down?
Nathaniel: She does guest stints on Parks and Recreation where she plays the demonic ex-wife of her actual husband Nick Offerman. They're hilarious together.
Jose: Wait, she's married to Nick Offerman? *mind explodes* I can not for the life of me, wait to see what she and Patty Clarkson come up with to mess with poor "Ron Swanson". [Editor's note: Patty Clarkson will be on Parks and Recreation this year.]
Nathaniel: That show is so great. Okay, Julianna Marguiles, The Good Wife or as she's known in some quarters The Wife With the Goodly Hot Husband. Thank youuuu, reaction shots.

Mark: See... look, I don't hate this dress. I don't mind that she took teardrops from an old chandelier and put them on her bosom. I find it whimsical.
Nathaniel: I just don't understand it. I keep wanting it to be really abstract and structural with the way it juts out up top like it's decolettage that wants to be a stiff collar or a Disney cliff.
Jose: I applaud the risk she took by going with Armani Privé (these people design like they're dressing up astronauts for dinner parties) but I laugh at her terrible choice, it's just too fugly. Maybe she wanted to carry on the "arrive by way of eggs" tradition established by Björk and Gaga.
Nathaniel: But see that's just my objection to it. If you're going that way, GO that way. It looks much weirder and therefore better from far away.
Mark: For me, seeing it in motion made it kind of fascinating but just staring at this picture makes me like it less.

Who's the  woman in the pink and why is she wearing a mud mask?
Nathaniel: LOL. That's Paz de la Huerta who is insane.
Mark: !!! That's who that is? She's unrecognizable. And I watch Boardwalk Empire for chrissakes.
Jose: This is what happens when you take an oompa loompa out of the chocolate factory and send it to Extreme Makeover. 
Nathaniel: She's been doing that weird lip thing for awhile. If it's not the chocolate factory it's those easter candies that color your mouth.
Mark: Either that or like someone who just strolled out of a nuclear meltdown. Isn't that kind of how your skin looks if it's burned by an A-bomb?
Nathaniel: I wouldn't know.

Mark: This image reminds me of how frustrating she is on the show; all affect, all the time.
Nathaniel: I don't watch the show. Every time I try I think Sopranos During Prohibition. Yawn.
Jose: Ugh no. The Sopranos rocked, this one is just "important", I watched the entire first season to see if it was about more than prestige and winning awards and no, it wasn't.

Nathaniel: Since Jose and I are in disagreement about Gwyneth Paltrow, Mark you must break the tie.
Mark: About her look or her work? Jose do you like her in general?
Nathaniel: Her look. We both like her work. 
Jose: I'd like to coerce you to like this Pucci dress by suggesting that it was paying homage to this.

Mark: Ha! yes. Although I thought she was tipping her hat to Madonna's Shanti/Ashtangi period.
Nathaniel: Again I repeat. If you're going that way, GO that way. None of this half-assedness. Half-assed and midriff, no relation.
Mark: Zing!
Jose: I ADORE Gwynnie. She is the only reason I subject myself to Glee and why I have gotten into so many bar fights about the 1998 Oscars.
Nathaniel: LOL.
Mark: I really like her too. I think she's talented and charming and reasonably aware of how ridiculous she can sometimes be. That said, loving someone means telling them the truth and truthfully, this outfit is bad news. If it were all one dress, then maybe, but the midriff is just awful. The top looks poorly cut to me and slices up her body in a strange way. I agree that she should have gone further here. Farther?

Nathaniel: I don't like any dresses that risk making super skinny women look like they've put on lbs because that's CLEARLY an optical illusion. Gwyneth has a great body.
Mark: Either way show me some bellybutton or cover it up altogether.
Jose: I shall go the grave defending this look, it's just perfect to me!
Mark: I hope this is not the rift that ruins our blossoming friendship, Jose.
Nathaniel: I sense trouble. "1998 OSCARS!" *runs*
Jose: lol. Let's discuss  Jayma Mays before you two continue to break my heart.

Mark: Well she looks like a lamp. Or a bottle of cheap bourbon dressed as a Southern Belle.
Jose: I loved her. She looked a hundred years younger than the actually younger Glee girls. Did y'all see what Dianne Agron was wearing? Yikes.
Nathaniel: Well the younger Glee girls are always trying so hard.  I think they're scared of life after Glee. But the tiers on this dress are so weird like a pepto-bismol wedding cake. And I think when you're as delicate as Jayma, something that looks flimsy, easily torn or flammable if placed over a lightbulb is not a good idea.
Mark: Has her character gotten any better on Glee? I stopped watching partway through Season 1.
Nathaniel: Let us not discuss "character" and Glee in the same sentence lest you kill my buzz for the season premiere tonight.
Mark: Fair. But has her random collection of weekly, contradictory impulses gotten any more coherent? I know the answer before I...
Jose: lol.
Nathaniel: I SAID NO. DON'T KILL MY BUZZ.

Jose: I hate Glee but I shall respect your wishes, Nat.
Nathaniel: I hate myself for loving it but love it I do. Let's move on to BEST ACTRESSES!
Mark: The Best Comedy Actresses, you mean? 
Nathaniel: Same difference. Best Actress Drama doesn't count until they stop nominating Mariska Hargitay.
Mark: Hahaha!

READ THE REST for best actress comedy, best dressed and a few men.

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Emmy Live Blog 2011

Arrivals and the Show, All Live-Blogged. Excuse Typos. Things Happen Fast

06:05 This does not bode well, the first arriving guest is a Nina Somebody from The Vampire Diaries who is quite possibly the most boring celebrity I have ever seen interviewed on the red carpet. She had so much airtime to say interesting or funny or quippy or diva things -- trust that you can spin those inane "who are you wearing? can you believe you're here at the emmys?""your career is hothothot" right now volleys whichever way you want. And it was all blah-blah-blah-blah-blah as if pre-recorded and lazily lip-synched to on the red carpet. And when Blake Lively is your aspirational figure that you'll have to work very very hard to deserve a like career. Wow. Let's move on. Please we must. But commercials.

Last year my Oscar dress was amazing. But tonight I wanted to be comfy."

06:15 Celebrities with personalities! Kat Deeley (sp) Lea Michele Taraji P. Henson. Sarah Hyland. Much better. Here's Lea braggin but her Oscar dress while wearing something she claims is comfy but in which she is clearly corseted like Scarlett O'Hara grabbing a bedpost. COMFY!

06:20 Sarah Hyland just had her I'M REALLY A NICE PERSON I SWEAR moment while explaining that she meant no harm when she did an impression of Lea Michele on an episode of Fashion Police. I've heard about this non-scandal but the real scandal is that E! is trying to pretend that that most famous of editorial poses -- elbow jutted out exagerrate contrapposto -- is LEA MICHELE's. I love my Rachel Berry but she wasn't even conceived yet when super-models started doing that. 

6:28 I really am not a Rainn Wilson fan but his carpet banter was funny. His TV crushes?

"The entire cast of Mad Men and the naked Dothraki girl who eats the stallion heart."

Hee.

6:30 Less funny was Paula Abdul's typical spaciness. She said "blueberries" when she meant "blue balls". Even if she'd gotten the word right, is that what you want to talk about on the red carpet?

6:38 Darren Criss's nose should be growing like Pinnochios. He hasn't really even thought about whether or not the Glee cast is graduating this year. Uh, yeah.

6:40 I just caught sight of what looks like a VERY unusual dress on Julianne Marguiles which will undoubtedly get her tons of attention. Will snap a photo as soon as I can. A giant white cylindrical cheese grater? 

6:49 DAMNIT. I was wrong. It is not thick plastic with circular cut-outs but regular old white fabric with big circular looking jewels. Less insane than expected and therefore much uglier. Christina Hendricks on the other hand is bang on beautiful. YUM YUM YUM. 

6:54 Charlize Theron's new "Dior Commercial" is crazy glam explosion and she is ridonculously hot. Like molten hot. If she had been around in Golden Age Hollywood she would have been an enormous star. But Hollywood doesn't understand In Movie Glamour anymore. Only red carpet glamour. Charlize should be looking that good IN a movie.

6:58 This happened awhile ago but I am still haunted...

I bet that's how Ryan kisses all the girls.

MUCH MUCH MORE AFTER THE JUMP

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Introducing... Armie Hammer

Let's celebrate the Quarter-Century mark of one Armie Hammer... (happy birthday!) also known as Armand Douglas Hammer. 'He's 6'5", 220, and there's two of him.' Well, actually just one. But his twinned Social Network role as Cameron and Tyler, "the Winklevii", sure doubled tripled quadrupled    okay greatly multiplied the size of his acting career. Hammer has the Prince Charming role in Tarsem Singh's upcoming Untitled Snow White picture but we'll next see him in Clint Eastwood's J. Edgar as Clyde Tolson, the alleged longtime lover / official longtime employee of Leonardo DiCaprio's J Edgar Hoover. So there's two of Hammer this time too in a sense.

Just for fun given his newness on the scene, I thought we'd look at how Armie has been introduced in each of the feature films he has made thus far (excluding Billy Graham the Early Years which I couldn't find. Inbetween the first few features andThe Social Network he had recurring guest roles on Gossip Girl and Reaper but we've seen neither television show.) 

Introducing Armie Hammer in...

... Flicka (2006)

In Armie's film debut you can see him walking down the school hallway as "Male Prefect" as the credits are still going. In just seconds he's right near the camera and Alison Lohman is looking up at him. Them's long legs; tall people walk fast.

He says.

Catherine McLaughlin, you need to come see the headmaster.

And that's it! The whole role. Movie line = SAG card. In the credits he's sandwiched between a couple people who actually get names "Mrs Masterson" and "Gracie" just before the rodeo announcers, puppeteers and stuntmen. Auspicious beginnings.

... Blackout (2008)

Just two years later he gets his own title card, third billed, as "Tommy" in an indie thriller about three people trapped in an elevator. He's introduced mysteriously, his back turned away from the camera. Maybe he's killed the girl in the bed behind him? It's unclear but her back has some weird bloody marks on it and he's wrapping his own bloody fist. And then he dresses and loots her apartment (not nice!) before heading out to jump on his motorcycle. Armie abandons his usual preppy film look. It's amazing what a difference a haircut, earring, and tattoos can do for your look. 

... Spring Breakdown (2009)

Amy Poehler to Crowd: We're going to blow your mind with a little thing called Electric Slide."

Armie is back to namelessness in his next film as "Abercrombie Boy". He appears out of focus and all judgey in the background with one of "the Sevens", the mean sorority girls that Amy Poehler's 35 year old dog trainer is hanging with. But he eventually cheers up and starts dancing; no lines.

In the scrolling credits Armie appears between "Teen Dude" and "Hookers" (LOL) but despite the esteemed company he's keeping he does actually gets to share Amy Poehler's actual title card wherein she directly adresses him and then tongues him.

You are a pretty puppy."

Shouldn't he have have been credited as "Poehler's Pretty Puppy" instead of "Abercrombie Boy"?

... The Social Network (2010)

EXT. CHARLES RIVER - DAWN

The Harvard Crew is practicing on two-man sculls. There are three baots that are running roughly even with each other and the two-man crews are rwoing with all they've got. We're gliding along with them in the water --

A CREW MEMBER
Those guys are just freaking fast.

And we PULL BACK TO REVEAL that there's a fourth boat which is already five boat lengths ahead of the other three.

The fourth boat is being crewed by CAMERON and TYLER WINKLEVOSS -- identical twins who stepped out of an ad for Abercrombie & Fitch.

They know that the others aren't in their class and even though they're highly competitive athletes, they don't like showing anyone up, least of all their teammates.

CAMERON
Is there anyway to make this a fair fight?

TYLER
We could  jump out and swim.

CAMERON
I think we'd have to jump out and drown. 

Oh those smug Winklevii... Their Ivy League / Human Specimen superiority established we immediately cut to the news of a real competitor. The rest is movie (and legal) history.

 

When did your eyeballs first meet Armie Hammer? Are you looking forward to further introductions?

Producer's Guild Loves Bertie, Disses Zuck

True Blood's Joe Mangianello presents an awardThe PGA (the producers not the golfers) have chosen The King's Speech as the best produced film of 2010. [Dumb joke] No word yet on which film the golfers prefer... maybe True Grit with all those wide open spaces or The Kids Are All Right with its landscaping subplot? [/Dumb joke] Stammering Bertie's win may come as a surprise to the producers of The Social Network who are very used to winning things for their exciting film about the billion dollar rise of Mark Zuckerberg and Facebook. Why it's almost as if the Producers Guild have been reading all these speculative premature blog pieces "can TKS take it from TSN?" and decided that since they were producers of entertainment... they ought entertain by raising the stakes.

I'm not sure that this makes it a dead heat but it definitely raises one eyebrow. Que?

This Year's Prizes:
Theatrical Motion Picture: THE KING'S SPEECH
Animated Feature: TOY STORY 3
Documentary Feature: WAITING FOR 'SUPERMAN'
Episodic Television Comedy: MODERN FAMILY
Episodic Television Drama: MAD MEN (third consecutive win)
Longform Television: THE PACIFIC
Non-Fiction Television: DEADLIEST CATCH
Live Entertainment and Competition: Television THE COLBERT REPORT

and the honorary non-competition prizes
Milestone Award: JAMES CAMERON
Norman Lear Achievement (Television): TOM HANKS and GARY GOETZMAN
David O. Selznick Award (Film): SCOTT RUDIN
Visionary Awards LAURA ZISKIN
Stanley Kramer Award (which usually goes to a film, not a person): SEAN PENN

Amy Adams and Helen Mirren presenting...

For what it's worth...

here are the last 20 PGA winners and how they fared with Oscar
2009 The Hurt Locker (won)
2008 Slumdog Millionaire (won)
2007 No Country For Old Men (won)
2006 Little Miss Sunshine (lost)
2005 Brokeback Mountain (*sniffle*)
2004 The Aviator (lost)
2003 The Lord of the Rings The Return of the King (won)
2002 Chicago (won)
2001 Moulin Rouge! (lost which we knew it would but god bless them for going there.)
2000 Gladiator (won)
1999 American Beauty (won)
1998 Saving Private Ryan (lost)
1997 Titanic (won)
1996 The English Patient (won)
1995 Apollo 13 (lost)
1994 Forrest Gump (won)
1993 Schindler's List (won)
1992 The Crying Game (lost)
1991 The Silence of the Lambs (won)
1990 Dances With Wolves (won)
1989 Driving Miss Daisy (won -- this was the first year of the PGA prize)

Or, in the past 21 years, Oscar lines up 66% of the time. If you can find a pattern with the losers, you're my god. I can't see any patterns. All kinds of films win or lose, from big to small to American to British.

In other news: Amy Poehler and Justin Timberlake were there. Funny thing is, this is EXACTLY what happens when I talk* to Amy Poehler.

* ...and by "talk to" I mean watch her on Parks and Recreation. Aren't you glad that show is finally back?

What do you make of The King's Speech win here? A fluke or a real and present danger for Zuck and company come Oscar night?