Red Carpet: Emma Floats, Zoe Swims, Jennifer Drowns
Wednesday, July 13, 2011 at 12:54AM For today's Red Carpet Convo, I'm joined by both of my usual coconspirators, Kurt and Jose. In this episode Kurt will lose all his motor skills, Jose will reveal psychic fashion powers, and I will prove my abject sports stupidity. Enjoy!
Nathaniel: We'll start by pretending we're in London -- which none of us are (we've got the East Coast and South America in the house) -- to visit a BAFTA function.
Kurt: I'm there -- un-straightening my teeth as we speak.
Jose: it's rainy and grey down here so consider me in Sweeney Todd "no place like London" mood
CHENO, HER ROYAL ASSNESS, MRS BEN AFFLECK, NICKI, and MLP
Nathaniel: At first I was all "Why are ALL the stars out for a "Brits to Watch" award -- the recipients of which (who?) are quite outshadowed by the starpower -- but then i realized it was hosted by the royals Prince & Kate which explains it.
Kurt: Hey, excuses to dress up... I thought for sure we'd be chatting up the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 premiere.
Nathaniel: Patience, would be skydiver, patience. So before we speak of individuals I must say that one of my favorite things is when all the beauties wear different colors. Rainbow is the absolute best red carpet color.
Kurt: yes...lovely little spectrum here. Are we going to play Guess The Bum? Because my eyes can't focus on anything else
Jose: Someone should tell this to the Red Globes, the Purple Oscars and the Black SAGs
Nathaniel: Exactly! And it's quite representative too. I couldn't spot any hive-mind aesthetic at the Bafta shindig
Kurt: There i go again, getting ahead of things...we can stick with the color convo sorry
Jose: I'm curious as to who chose the guests though, why the hell is Mary Louise Parker there and not Cate or Meryl or Kate?
Nathaniel: I can't help you there. As to guess the bum. C'mon on. Look at it. Y'all know who that is.
Jose: Her royal ass-ness
Kurt: I figured
Nathaniel: Jenny's block has moved to London
Kurt: Can we talk for a sec about her music? I'd like opinions from the group
Nathaniel: i have none. Jose?
Jose: meh, it's fun when you're drunk
Kurt: now there's a quote. put that on the album cover
Nathaniel: Blurb Whore!
Jose: and 'my spinning instructor loves her too.'
Kurt: hahaha. All i'm saying is, i'd have a hard time takin' criticisms from her assness, if i were an American Idol. the end. but, she is stunning. that skin
Nathaniel: I always feel like JLo is always trying too hard. I mean that dress is SO busy with the cutouts and the arm decor.
Jose: she is an American Idol though, she embodies everything pop music has become about: mediocre voice, crazy antics and lots of merchandise
Kurt: oh yea her fashion is nuts...remember that thing from "Savage Beauty"?
Nathaniel: I'd prefer not to. Kristin Chenoweth's dress is reminding me of something and I can't think what for the life of me. That color combo...
Jose: OMG it's reminding you of Dazzler, just say it
Nathaniel: SHUT IT. I have retired my Dazzler obsession. It was a weird K-Hole of spring 2011.
Jose: Hahaha the moment I saw her, I thought of Dazz and I blame you Nathaniel!
Nathaniel: again: RETIRED. much like Jennifer Garner until quite recently.
Jose: Cheno reminded me of when Nicole won the Globe for MR!
Nathaniel: Jose you have a sick memory. Photographic so long as there's an actress and a dress
Jose: I chose to take that as a compliment. My friends are annoyed by my fashion memory, they think I'm like a version of Lisbeth Salander who's into Vogue
Nathaniel: Maybe Cheno's dress reminds me of some high-end old-school hotel ballroom corporate function draping? I dunno. it's really bugging me. It's so old money whilst being completely boring.
Kurt: I'm getting lampshade-cum-business drape
Jose: I kinda like it though, it's very Cher at Studio 54 but I think she needed higher heels to pull it off better.
Nathaniel: Hmmm. I can't imagine Cher in it unless there were like a headpiece with it.
Kurt: i don't think chenoweth should ever try for cher anything
Nathaniel: Cheno does "Half Breed". JUST IMAGINE IT.
Jose: LOL
Kurt: i am NOT feeling this bolt of fabric Jennifer Garner is rocking. my goodness. she's drowning in fabric. save her!
Jose: you just broke my heart Kurt J. Gar's YSL is the thing couturier wet dreams are made of. It's so simple it's just perfect
Kurt: well let's get something straight here: in all likelihood you are a much better judge of fashion than me, but from this angle, I see a fabric attack
Jose: but it's supposed to be about movement, it's very flowy and watery. Imagine some sort of Greek goddess thing going on.
Kurt: i get that...your explanation is kinda working...
Nathaniel: I was going to say that i love the color on Garner so much but maybe anything other than Elektra Red I love on her because I just can't... you thought i was obsesed with Dazzler? You dont wanna know about my Elektra thing. Hated Garner doing her so much.
Jose: she pulls off color quite well, remember that crazy orange thing she wore to the Oscars?
Kurt: that was gorg
Jose: It was! but it was such a crazy Fanta color that few people would've dared to use it. Sigh. I miss her at the Oscars, never knew what the hell she was doing there but she always looked stunning
Red is just easy I guess, like Halle and nude color
Nathaniel: or everyone in black.
Kurt: oh god, i just finally caught the arm thing on JLo's dress. what is wrong with her?
But wait there's more! Nicole's goddess scoop, Nathaniel plays Marco Polo, Swoosie Kurtz is lactose tolerant, and Jennifer Aniston's secret messaging.
Nathaniel: Kurt is having retinal delay. Come back to the Nicole Kidman, Kurt Oselund, Kurt Oselund.
Kurt: I'm back I'm back -- JLo does have that effect on the retina...
Jose: leave poor J. Lo alone, I blame her personal assistant for what she's wearing, instead of telling her she was invited to an audience with her royal highness prince william, they must've told her, we're getting high with will.i.am
Kurt: funny. but puh-lease. we're talking perpetual offender here. i'm sorry! i Shouldn't have redirected our course like that. Back to nicole!
Jose: who looks lovely as usual
Nathaniel: incidentally Nicole's dress is goddess-draping scooped in back -- so goddess draping might have been a theme (see Jennifer). I love this color on Nicole but it totally surprised me for some reason. Baby blue. Nicole only has little girls.
Jose: I think it's a bit dull on her but it makes me so happy to see her smile that she might as well wear shorts and plaid and I'd still be praising her
Kurt: i really don't want to be mr. negative, but this doesn't read a wee bit matronly to anyone else?
Jose: well, she is an older lady now
Kurt: shhhh
Nathaniel: Ignoring you. True story: two nights ago my best friend was visiting and for some reason he insisted on watching old Katy Perry videos and now whenever i hear TEENAGE DREAM i think only of Nicki Kidman, Nicki Kidman.
Jose: The Grammys. Nicole tried to fool us into making us think she was mortal. I think she's at that moment in time when she's trying to decide whether to try and be all Cate and Tilda pushing fashion forward all the time, or become safe and steady like Meryl
Nathaniel: Jose will read your tea leaves hemlines like a mad fortune teller
Jose: LOL thanks for the new career idea Nat
Kurt: I think MLP gets my best dressed, though I'm not crazy about the knee-length detail
Jose: I'm not too crazy about her dress although I think it's very "her" all hippie, flowers and crazy, greasy-looking hair
Kurt: she's in the same league as marisa tomei for me -- perpetually 30 and pretty
Nathaniel: ravishing color on her and the floral thing is major bonus points. Big and bold but somewho subtle and demure at the same time. Though I have a hard time picturing Mary Louise Parker as elegant anymore because swear to god everytime I see her now I think of her slurping on iced coffee since she's been doing that for decades now on "Weeds"
Kurt: Weeds lost me after season 3..but then i also lost Showtime so...
Nathaniel: no loss. it kept being less than its previous self. i gave up somewhere during 4.
OKAY next grouping of women.
Kurt: omg ZOE.
ZOE, HBC, HERMIONE, RACHEL, and SWOOZIE
Jose: did she and Mary-Louise go shopping together?
Nathaniel: Some people are at EVERYTHING. like Zoe. and this is what she wore to... wait for it. "the royal salute at the foundation polo challenge at the santa barbara polo & racquet club"
Kurt: ugh that looks so uncomfortable
Nathaniel: This was ALSO a royals event. William & Kate are everywhere! shouldn't they be honeymooning?
Jose: I think Zoe was going for a "My Fair Lady" thing by way of 1969
Kurt: its ugly by way of hideous
Jose: I think it works though, just imagine her surrounded by grass, horses and sweaty men. It's a very Pic-nicky dress
Kurt: i think i'd love it without the neck
Nathaniel: i just look at it and think about what a bitch it would be to get rid of the grass and mud stains
Kurt: um...what was she doing there Nathaniel?!?
Nathaniel: oh wait Polo is water. never mind. me and sports. ha.
Jose: I think this polo was the horse one though
Nathaniel: there's two kinds? CONFUSION. I'm from Michigan.
Kurt: oh i definitely didnt think water either, but i certainly didnt think zoe was INVOLVED
Nathaniel: Zoe commits, people!
Jose: Polo. the one with horses which Princes play and one in water where people get broken noses
Nathaniel: the only polo i've ever played is the "Marco"/"Polo" kind in swimming pools.
Kurt: I have a really dumb joke here but am restraining myself
Jose: useless trivia, did you know that "polo" is local slang for tacky?
Kurt: Is that true? the tacky thing?
Jose: it is down here
Nathaniel: Jose is serving South American Realness, hunty.
Jose: LOL
Kurt: Trust. well that's perfect. why didn't jLo attend? ok i'm stopping
Nathaniel: So let's move to the Harry Potter premiere where Helena Bonham Crazy and Hermione were.
Jose: I say let's make them switch dresses and we'd be in for quite a treat as they are right now, I'm beyond bored by both
Kurt: i love emmas look. with respect to helena, Emma Watson is one of my favorite fashion icons on earth
Jose: I get it that Helena wants to look "normal" but I prefer when she's all kooky at least she's more memorable
Kurt: i'm over the whole helena red carpet thing. too much last year
Nathaniel: Emma's is such a great fairy princess look. You should only try that floating-on-fabric look if you have short hair and are under 24.
Kurt: or are carrie bradshaw
Jose: Yes. SJP would rock the hell out of this thing!
Nathaniel: Truth.
Jose: but that's way too much couture for Emma, it's like the dress is trying to eat her
Nathaniel: The only way Helena could truly shock everyone know after 'The Season of The Speech' is to do something really streamlined and Old Hollywood elegant without any fussiness. Like a Madonna in "Live To Tell" moment after all the "Virgin" trashy lace. Or: whatever Gaga does that's simple after all this crazy. It's coming (in 2013). You'll see.
Jose: I want her to stop doing black, let her have some color!
Nathaniel: Um. this is not black.
Jose: omg it's not
Kurt: it's...?
Jose: it looked like black though, she's bored me so much in the past my eyes didn't even bother with her
Nathaniel: dark forest green or something. I am not a colorologist.
Jose: it's very mossy, aww she was trying to be a flower, now I get it but still, no.
Kurt: a flower with a biker bag
Nathaniel: The dress and hat are like the lilypad and the flower -- frog princess!
Moving On: JENNIFER ANISTON just got her hands in cement in Hollywood. which seems i dunno. Guy Lodge will kill me but she is not a movie star. She's still "Rachel"! why does she get to put her hands in cement? argh.
Kurt: this feels overdue, but hell yes i agree -- how in the hell does she command god knows whatever figure you recently posted. absurd and i am rotting for her
Nathaniel: rotting ????
Kurt: but no corssover has ever*rooting
Nathaniel: wait -- what? Kurt has lost his motor functions.
Kurt: whoa sorry haha. oh ...settle "no corssover has ever taken place in my mind" is what i was going to say boy you aren't kidding about the motor functions..jeez
Nathaniel: someone got too excited. Maybe Kurt is a huge closet fan of Swoosie Kurtz and he just couldn't wait to talk about her?
Kurt: I AM a huge fan of Swoosie Kurtz. Kurt loves Kurtz
Jose: this dress makes me want to go have drinks with her
Nathaniel: omg did you guys love her on "Huff" or did you love her on "Huff". I miss that show.
Kurt: never saw it. Rules of Attraction baby.
Jose: is that show over yet? that explains why Blythe Danner stopped winning Emmys
Nathaniel: Ugh fail. Both of you. When i first saw Swoosie in this (she was at a Broadway premiere) I thought the same thing (PAR-TAY) but then i saw the shoes which are way too moooootchy-matchy. and now i'm not sure. it's very dairy.
Jose: well after she drinks she takes off the shoes which I agree are hideous with the ensemble
Kurt: oh yea i'm not digging the outfit..just glad to see her
Nathaniel: It seems like maybe she could've worn this on Pushing Daisies only with an eyepatch to complete the look, also in cow.
Jose: LOL. shoes that matched her hair would've been much more adequate
Kurt: if Swoosie as cow is the only way i can have Swoosie, i'll take it
Nathaniel: what should we end with? What is Jennifer writing on this very blog now that she's been extracted from the cement by my mad photoshop skillz?
Jose: "we were on a break"?
Nathaniel: LOL.
Kurt: "I'm sorry for Just Go With It and He's Just Not That Into You and Love Happens."
Jose: Dunno... I'm just actually pleased she can write.
Reader Comments (7)
Jenn is endorsing her ka-ching!
Vern -- good point. She probably has to do a lot of name signing.
OMG somebody did see Huff besides me. Miss that show. Miss the hotness of Hank Azaria. He's never been so hot again. I feel bad for Oliver Platt and Blythe because they never had such awesome material again, but I feel worse for not having Azaria having awesome married sex with Paget Brewster on my TV anymore...
Thais -- right? That show had some weird flourishes that didn't quite work but the cast was really strong and especially with Azaria he rarely gets that much to work with. Plus the old ladies were awesome ;)
I always have love for Mary Louise Parker. She should do a movie with Marisa Tomei like Michelle Williams and Kirsten Dunst did in Dick. Two women in adventure.
Platt's got a great role opposite Laura Linney in The Big C right now, though, so I don't think you should feel to bad for him..
And, Jose, stop being mean to HBC she's epic epicness.
I was the BIGGEST Huff fan. Danner's hilarious/dramatic work is the stuff of Best Supporting Actress Oscars.