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Chloë Moretz is Ruining My Life

It's been so long since I had a cinematic arch-enemy: Daughter of Tippi who haunted my youth is rarely onscreen; The Swankster is hibernating (it can't be long before a "comeback" though, right?); Zeéeeee has receded so suddenly that it's feeling like Meg Ryan 2.0 (and Meg never deserved the sub zero shoulder she got so abruptly); and Nicolas Cage has marginalized himself into the peripheries of bargain bin movies... though he still has an uncanny ability to find ways to co-star with my most beloved leading ladies of various eras (Turner, Cher, Streep, Moore, Kidman).

Enter Chloë Grace Moretz.  

It's been so long since I had a cinematic arch-enemy maybe I should try to enjoy this. In a "boo hiss" sort of way, mind you. In addition to Chloë's general smug ubiquity and her sacriligeous miscasting in the Carrie remake alongside my goddess Julianne Moore (who should know better post Hannibal) she has now decided to double down on forcing me to look at her; she's attaching herself like a parasite to my all time favorite actress. She's already played Michelle Pfeiffer's daughter once in Dark Shadows. She's doing it again in Tim Robbins next directorial effort. The film, which Robbins will also star in, is called Man Under.

Variety describes it like so:

In the vein of "American Beauty" and "The Royal Tenenbaums," pic follows a Yonkers family whose lives are changed forever when a photo of them ends up in the Museum of Modern Art.

Now, there's no word yet on if they're officially mother and daughter again this time but considering it's a movie about a troubled family, it's a safe bet.

The silver lining? At least this means Michelle Pfeiffer wasn't lying when she said she wanted to get back to work. If filming gets under way soon on this one, we'll have two Pfeiffer pictures in 2013! See also the crime comedy Malavita

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Reader Comments (44)

LOL I read the news before and thought about you. Tim Robbins is directing. I think we're safe.

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterPeggy Sue

Nat, doubtlessly you'll get some fans championing the girl up in here soon so let me say, stand strong! We can face down such horrors if we stand together, dear friend! We're like the Japanese schoolgirls in Cabin in the Woods - if we form a circle and chant some magic words, Chloe will turn back into a frog, maybe!

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJA

Very funny post! Was it just Cold Mountain that made you hate Renée Zellweger, or were there other factors?

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTyler

Ms. Moretz' insufferable presence in the cinematic abortion known as Dark Shadows was enough to incur my eternal wrath. I'm with you, Nathan.

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterbrookesboy


November 8, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBeau

I'm glad we finally have a common enemy in Chloe. She practically ruined "Hugo" with her exaggerated eye-brow acting. The funny thing is, I don't mind her as Hit Girl in "Kickass" and 30 Rock, but after "Hugo", I thought she is the worst actor in her generation even though she thinks she's all that. Maybe it's time to tone down that ego. The Fanning sisters are not amused for sure:)

(I know that was mean, but I have to let it out somehow)

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLars

Nate! I just LOVE that you have it clear as water who your pet hates are, and I totes get every single one of them. Even though I think Zeeeeeeeeeeeee's work in Chicago kinda redeems her existence which would otherwise be surely pointless.

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterZé Vozone

While I don't necessarily agree with your sentiments regarding Little Miss Moretz (although she was execrable in Dark Shadows, the script and direction really didn't help her), that was the funniest thing I've read in a while. Thank you.

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterdenny

Nathan Baby. This should be a post dedicated to Michelle's participation in movies again. I'm too negative and after our president being re-elected I'm slowly attempting my rage against the Streep (of course I'm never lover her) but that doesn't mean respect can't be on the table.

I hate the little girl too, but add the little boy from Looper and you'll have the greatest pair of ragging inducing varmints under 18 to be subjected to.

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered Commenter3rtful

"It's been so long since I had a cinematic arch-enemy:" Does that mean you've mellowed on Philip Seymour Hoffman??

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBill_the_Bear

Who is the Daughter of Tippi? And why do you dislike Swank so much? Sure, it sucked that she won Oscar #2, but colour me confused. And Renee Zellweger was great in Jerry Maguire, One True Thing, Nurse Betty, Bridget Jone's Diary, and Chicago, so I'll always be a fan.

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJoe

is it called "A Man Under" or just "Man Under"?? I hope its the former...it sounds better!!

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBabyfaced Assassin

Daughter of Tippi? Melaine Griffith, right? I thougt she was great in Working Girl. Have a big dislike however for ms. Zellweger in almost everything she does. Has something to do with that god awfull voice. Always reminds me of a chipmunk on cocaine. But that´s just nasty old me.

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterRoald77

I wish you would write a post exhaustively explaining why you hate(d) Melanie Griffith so much. I think she's so great in Working Girl and while I haven't seen many of her other films, find her a welcome presence onscreen whose voice and looks—which, for whatever plaudits her "natural beauty" got in its day, I find incredibly offbeat—are welcome even in the rare interviews she gives nowadays.

Plus, not that your distaste for her isn't somewhat dormant, it just seems mean to pick on her these days.

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHayden W

Oh, my,

Tippi's daughter is one of the worst ever. Get a voice, please, stop sounding like a 3 year-old.

I can only stand her in Working Girl and Something Wild. But she is so so so bad in all the other films that it makes us think that these were Mike Nichols's and Jonathan Demme's work which could get great performances out of her.

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMarcelo

Wow. You're coming across like such a bitch that this whole post is almost amusing (in a sad, pitiful way)

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDaniel K

Melanie Griffith was great in Body Double, Something Wild, Working Girl and Nobody's Fool. Hilary Swank was great in Boy's Don't Cry. Renée Zellweger was great in One True Thing, Nurse Betty, Bridget Jones' Diary and Down With Love. Nicolas Cage was great in Raising Arizona, Moonstruck and Wild at Heart. (Sorry, Elisabeth Shue made Leaving Las Vegas work.) The point is they've all been great on occasion but leave something to be desired overall in their oeuvre. And there's a tic/drone nature to their general acting style that is clearly evident in Chloë Grace Moretz's performances, too. (But given her ability to snag parts opposite top-shelf talents, maybe she is the cinematic progeny of Nicolas Cage?)

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMareko

on Chloe Moritz,i just want that she closes her mouth

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterfrench girl


November 8, 2012 | Registered CommenterNATHANIEL R

Memo to Ms. Moretz: "The power of Christ compels you!"

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterbrookesboy

Swank, Zellweger, and Moretz are still better than Annette Bening.

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLynn

it's weird I'm from the generation who thinks Liam Neeson is a Badass so I never have watched a film starring Melanie Griffith and I only heard from urban legends that Nicolas Cage used to be in good movies...

I don't really hate Swank or Zellwegger cause karma has taken care of them, the first never gonna look pretty in period dresses , she's like beyonce trying to get an oscar for a song, she wants so bad to get respect that every time she wears a past century costume on screen she fails. And poor Zellwegger people only cares when she's fat so they don't need my hate.

but i really understand all you hate for Chloe Moretz, the world doesn't need more Chloes we have two awsome ones, she's always act the same in every film, she appears in remakes of movies i love or even adaptations of comics i love, I'm trying to relax and forgive her but the last time i was watching a video from a song I really love from one of my favorite bands, Best Coast called 'Our Deal'', if that isn't enough, that b..girl doesn't only ruins this music video directed by the lovely drew barrymore, she pisses shailene woodley, donald glover, she kisses my teen wolf's tyler posey, not to mention is a west side story-esque video, you just don mess with west side story... and of course as usual she's miscast.

wow, thank you nat i really need that out my system, Im glad not the only one.

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterChecko

Brookesboy -- apparently Lynn is also possessed!

Lynn -- kidding. But why u wanna hurt me?


November 8, 2012 | Registered CommenterNATHANIEL R

Swank, Zellweger, and Moretz are still better than Annette Bening.

Who are you? And go to hell.

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered Commenter3rtful

3rtful -- manners!

November 8, 2012 | Registered CommenterNATHANIEL R

God, what a drama queen. Must be a slow week.

It's one thing to dislike someone's acting abilities, but the personal attacks on the girl by those commenting is nauseating. Who the hell are some of you people? Moretz has already accomplished and done more in her life than most of you ever will. People like Lars wouldn't know her if they fell over her but they pretend to know what she's like as a human being. Pathetic.

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered Commentercam

I wish we could post gifs here because this would be the most absolute perfect time to post that Michael Jackson amusingly eating popcorn in the Thriller video gif. I am thoroughly entertained by this post, its comments and everything within its orbit!

For the record, I thought CGM was awful in Hugo but I wasn't crazy about that movie in general but she was still the most annoying thing about it. Ew @ her ubiquity tbh. Why, is the real question when there is sure to be true talent undiscovered carrying her same exact stats.

Also, I think I noticed a pattern to your past arch-enemies: all mostly one-hit wonders. Except Renee "I'd Like To Thank Helen Hunt For Teaching Me How To Squint This Way" Zeeeeeeeee who I actually think was great in a few things before the dark fall 2003. Also, I dare anyone to tell me otherwise that La Swank was great in something else besides her worthy Oscar win. >_>

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMark The First

Nathaniel, I think you spoke too soon about Swankster's "comeback"...supposedly she's starring in an Oscary-sounding drama where she's dying of Lou Gherig's opposite Emmy Rossum and she's starring in a western drama directed by and starring Tommy Lee Jones...and with MERYL!

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAaron

Fun fact: Originally, Julianne Moore and Colin Firth were supposed to star in "Man Under". And back then, Kristin Stewart was considered as the other daughter.

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered Commentercinephile

And I agree with Mark the First...all of Nathan's arch-enemies are for the most part, one hit wonders. I find Chloe Grace Moretz insufferable. She may be a lovely girl, but I have not seen someone be so completely unnatural on screen for a while, and ultimately be praised for it! She was horrendous in Hugo....she looked physically uncomfortable throughout the whole film and her staccato line-readings made it very apparent that she didn't make one effort to emotionally connect with her character. Dreadful performance, I'm sorry. She's better on 30 Rock but it's up and down on that one. And don't get me started on Carrie...wow, I have no idea what casting director thought she would be aces for this.

I'm not that familiar with Melanie Griffith's filmography outside of a few, but I've never particularly jived with her either. When you have such a specific persona like her, it usually doesn't lead to a particularly versatile career, as you can see from her. Swank has been terrible outside of her two Oscar wins. As with Zeee, I will defend her slightly even though I can totally understand why people don't get her. She's not necessarily a chamelon like a Kidman or a Moore; she's not beautiful; she has a very specific, almost graty-like voice, but she has given memorable performances in One True Thing, Jerry Maguire, Chicago, Bridget Jones, Nurse Betty, and (I'm sorry, I love this movie) Empire Records. Her fall from grace has been one of the decades' most interesting spectacles, considering that she actually had a somewhat stable career and solid Hollywood cred.

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAaron

Dude you sound like a whiny little girl. grow up. map up. Sarcastic remarks about a 15 year old girl are pitiful.

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMr Bitey

I've always loved when your passionate dislike for Zéee and Beelzebub came to play when evaluating their movies and how amusingly depressed you were when announcing their new projects (I still remember fondly when you posted the first Amelia trailer and said "here comes Hilary Swank flying right at her third Oscar nomination... I fear she'll use the red carpet as her landing strip and slice me to bits with her propellor. On purpose!" HA. LOVE IT.

I also share some disdain for Renée (not her fault, she just makes it so hard for me to like her, what with the squinting and that voice and that air so full of herself) and Swank (bitch has 2 Oscars, one of a WILDLY OVERRATED performance/movie and some actresses don't even get an Oscar nomination; besides, when you talk about the little that Helen Hunt did with her Oscar win I always wonder... and what about Hilary Swank? What did she do substantial with her 2 wins? Black Dahlia? Conviction? Amelia? Meh.)

And now we're on the same page when it comes to Chloe Moretz. God, I just want to punch her so much. Don't give me the stink eye, Chloe (she always does; but then again that's just her pigface, she can't help it). I thought she was fine in LET ME IN and when I was ready to embrace her like most people did some time ago, here she comes in HUGO and my hate started going strong again. I was pulling so hard for Asa Butterfield to throw her down the clock tower...

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJorge Rodrigues

I'm indifferently positive on Moretz. Thought she was remarkable in Let Me In (which was way better than the Swedish film in every way). Fine with her in Hugo. Liked her in 500 Days of Summer. Never saw Kick Ass or Dark Shadows. I'm floored that Nathaniel hates her enough to group her with Swank et al (and I presume that Clint Eastwood is arch enemy emeritus at this point), and frankly seems like he's bullying a fifteen year old girl. Which you know, is viciously uncool.

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterArkaan

Arkaan, this has become a running gag around here and while I find it annoying and repetitive, it's not nearly as vicious as the tripe some of the enlightened commenters spew. I mean look above you. There's a clown who thinks stating his desire to physically assault Moretz and hilariously denigrating her looks constitutes serious, adult conversation. And you know he's too much of a coward to do that in front of her father or brothers and get what he deserves.

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered Commentercam

I always find it mildly disturbing when fans think that teen stars can get all the benefits of being an adult in terms of fame & adulation and unfettered exploitation of themselves for massive publicity but they're above reproach because of their age? If someone is a public figure, they are by definition commented on. If someone is old enough to be nominated for awards and be showered with praise they are also old enough to receive negative criticism. You can't have one without the other. You can't have it both ways.

But it always cracks me up that people feel like they need to defend world famous actresses whenever someone doesn't like them. Trust that Chloe can handle herself. I mean really. The girl's not exactly a fragile wallflower. lol.

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterNathaniel R

It's the gold-star generation, Nat; dish it out but can't take it. @#$% 'em.

November 8, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMareko

Some of the comments here have nothing to do with critiquing her acting, Nathanial. It's disappointing that you seem to have no problem with uncalled for, personal insults towards her just because she's old enough to be nominated for an award. Sure she may never see them, but that doesn't make them any less classless and infantile.

As for Mareko, he talks a tough game but never did back his moronic assertion about Moretz in a different post. I'd suggest he stick to opining on subjects for which he has the vaguest bit of familiarity.

November 9, 2012 | Unregistered Commentercam

I liked Moretz in Hugo, so much better than the boy. She seemed to have a kind of 1930s English actress thing going. But that that wasn't really an acting showcase. I haven't seen her in anything else, so I don't hate her,

The one I don't get is the stolid Jennifer Lawrence. I'd never realized just how expressive and sexy and unique Rebecca Romjin was until I saw the inexpressive Lawrence in the X-men Mystique role. It's like another Cameron Diaz has come to plague us. Winter's Bone and Hunger Games were serviceable, adequate movies. But she has plenty of fans, she doesn't need me as another.

November 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTotally Anonymous

Nathaniel... honestly, I don't see what criticism you're offering.

Her "smug ubiquity?" Really. What exactly is smug about the fact that she's in a lot of movies, if you don't mind my asking.

"sacreligious miscasting" is at least an actual criticism. In the garb of hyperbole, of course, but it's not an unfair point to make. So you get a point.

Nathaniel wrote: "But it always cracks me up that people feel like they need to defend world famous actresses whenever someone doesn't like them. Trust that Chloe can handle herself. I mean really. The girl's not exactly a fragile wallflower. lol"

Ummm..... half your posts about Nicole Kidman are about defending her from people that don't like her, aren't they?

November 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterArkaan

cam -- what exactly is different about commenting on Chloe Moretz than about any other actor? Is it just that you happen to like her and therefore she's off limits?

Last time i checked everyone on every website and in every media outlet and in every arena of life shares opinions about the public personas of celebrities (including, wild guess, you!). It's kind of What People Do All The Time.

arkaan -- I don't know how observing that she strikes me as "smug" is any different than any other observation about a celebrity -- she seems very very very full of herself to me. How is that any different than people calling Nicole Kidman icy or people calling Mel Gibson crazy or Tom Cruise's stare unnerving?

BUT NOW I'M SOUNDING TOO SERIOUS "Lighten up" must now be directed at myself instead of Chloe's fans.

November 9, 2012 | Registered CommenterNATHANIEL R

~~~she seems very very very full of herself to me.~~~

The problem is you and others are making personal comments that have no basis in reality. You folks simply have no idea of what you're talking about. But it's not my website, so don't let me slow anyone down. I can't wait for the rape and murder remarks that are inevitably coming.

November 11, 2012 | Unregistered Commentercam

Now.... whether or not Ms. Moretz is a good actress can be debated.

However, the girl is sexy as hell.

She has immense sex appeal. Everybody knows it and that is probably one reason for her getting so many parts... because sex sells.

She has been driving men crazy since a very early age. And she knows it, that's pretty clear.

Many guys found her sexy already in the first Kick-Ass film. Remember that whole debate about her being sexualized in her schoolgirl outfit? Well, it started because.... many simply found her sexy. And that is partly why it became her big breakthrough on the screen... she was hot.

Sure it is taboo to say it because she was underage, but it doesn't change the fact that it's true.

March 29, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDrew

You're a fucking idiot. I could get into detail as to why that is, but you;re not worth the effort

April 9, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDog_Catcher

Seriously, you're just jealous. Get a life.

March 4, 2016 | Unregistered Commenterrachelx

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