Nathaniel: Hi Joanna! We haven't talked in ages.
Joanna: I know. And I've had so many things to say!
Nathaniel: Try to squeeze them all in rightnow. Since the Red Carpet Convo series has been pretty much dormant since Oscar night, we'll reboot with a prequel of sorts. We're going WAY back to the Tonys (very briefly) and the Prometheus premiere. In Internet time that's like, what, three years ago?
Joanna: In a galaxy far far away. And are you starting me back with Prometheus because you know of my Fassbender obsession?
Nathaniel: Listen, at this point it's safe to assume that everyone has the Fassbender obsession. But I don't mind sharing.
Joanna: Very generous of you. Then let's discuss my favorite accessory of the red carpet this year. The Ginger Beard.
Nathaniel: It's everywhere!
Joanna: I think it goes very well with this sharp blue shirt, or a ratty t-shirt, or, you know, nothing at all if Fassbender is so inclined.
Nathaniel: It's nice having actual beards made of hair back on the red carpet because for decades it's only been the other kind of beard. Gay Pride Month. Woot.
Joanna: Ah, Nicole Kidman: Ginger Beard!
Nathaniel: So. Have you seen Prometheus?
Joanna: I did! I'm one of it's very few defenders. And though I know it had problems, there was goo, there were aliens and plenty of Fassbender. And what more can you ask of a summer movie. I will say, both the ladies in this line-up looked particularly fetching in their Ace Bandage Space Undies.
Nathaniel: Totally. Bandage Undies haven't looked that good since The Reign of Milla "Leeloo" Jovovich. But if they have to trade in costumes for the red carpet I think Noomi hasn't really ever looked better than this sleek beaded black gown.
Joanna: Absolutely gorgeous. I love the plunge of the neckline and the baggy non-sleeves. I'm not sure Charlize's dress is doing her hourglass any favors, but I love that the fabric goes from solid to filmy at the knees.
Nathaniel: Yes. And the hair being so non-fussy helps a lot. I forgot to agree with you on dark blue being a great color for Fassbender's ginger and I love that the Weyland Corps siblings went so blue on a blue carpet [edited out above]. The carpet matches the drapes and all that.
Joanna: Siblings you say! I suppose so... But if we want to talk about fussy Then we need look no further than Minnie Driver wearing Grandma's Fanciest Curtains. I mean, it's not as bad as it might be. The fit is lovely and the opaque sleeves help it look lighter. But that is a LOT of dress. Maybe it would have looked better if she had hacked the curtains off at the knees? Where's Maria Von Trapp when you need here?
Nathaniel: Do you think she and Salma, both not being in the movie, went for A LOT OF LOOK to make up for their big screen absence? And if they had been in the movie, what kind of jobs would they have had on the ship?
Joanna: Salma would make the HOTTEST Space Nurse. (See: Across The Universe) And I would cast Minnie as the voice of the ship. You know you want those calm dulcet British tones telling you to evacuate when your ship is on a collision course.
Nathaniel: Hee. Although the calm dulcet tones of David8 weren't exactly comforting in this movie.
Joanna: But I still want one of my very own! Tight grey shirt included! (Duffel bag optional)
Nathaniel: The beauty of David8 is that you CAN have one of your own. Today's scientists really needs to get on the synthetic human thing. It's taking forever. Speaking of synthetic humans: MALIN AKERMAN. Rock of Ages premierre
Joanna: Hahahaha! Malin6 is sort of Charlize-ing it with that ponytail.
Nathaniel: Yes. Do you think they sent out a notice to all the actresses that they should wear applique madness on their gowns?
Joanna: Oh dear lord, Catherine Zeta Jones. I mean, lots of love and points for highlighting your best asset, those amazing legs. But I can almost see your second best asset with that hemline. And then the rest is all lumpy and nude and frightening. Much like Michael Douglas, I would expect.
Nathaniel: HA. With the nude color and the applique she's like a cross between Poison Ivy cosplay and Eve after a particularly mad scramble through the Eden foliage. A sentence I never imagined typing.
Joanna: And the duck lips. Why is she giving us the 13-year old Facebook Profile Photo face? But for all the appliqué madness, I think that scariest look belongs to Julianne Hough (which, WHO IS SHE? Did Hollywood make her in the same lab where they created Ryan Seacrest?). Chartreuse does nobody any favors ever.
Nathaniel: They actually did. She was created in an episode of Reality TV. Something like So You Think You Can Act?
Joanna: So You Think You Can Scrape Your Hair Up On Your Head With A Scrunchie On The Red Carpet? Oh god I feel so mean. I think Mary J. Blige's smile is WONDERFUL.
Nathaniel: Oh no I'm sorry. It was DANCING WITH THE STARS... which she's taking literally now by starring in a musical opposite real stars.
Joanna: Did you see Rock Of Ages? I'm tempted to get drunk and go. There may be fist pumps involved. Fist pumps of shame.
Nathaniel: The best thing that can be said for it is that it is Shameless enough to conceal the shame of your balled up mitts. [My Review] It's so shameless that you can probably even get away with holding a lighter up in the theater. Pick a rock ballad, any rock ballad.
Joanna: Don't Stop Believin?(NO G REQUIRED)
Nathaniel: The "G" would ruin everything. P.S. I will love Mary J Blige forever for illustrating this Shame/Shameless dichotomy with her similar triumph as DRAMA QUEEN who demanded "NO MORE DRAMA"
Joanna: Finally, Russell Brand, who basically dresses as if he's in Rock Of Ages as all times
Nathaniel: Right? He probably wore this the following morning, too. I keep reading in reviews that Mary J Blige is completely useless in Rock of Ages and I can't argue with that but there's almost nothing I enjoy in musicals more than the mandatory singing whore/dancing prostitute number.
Joanna: Even when they're dying? Then you must be wriggling with anticipation for Les Mis.
Joanna: Speaking of the the-ay-tuh, can we discuss my favorite red carpet look of the year. Candice Bergen at the Tonys? I don't know if this is an homage to Gandhi, or ripped directly from Meryl Streep's closet of "I Don't Give A F*ck," but I hate it so much I love it.
Nathaniel: Joanna enters the Blurb Whore Hall of Fame!
I hate it so much I love it."
True story readers. When I e-mailed Joanna that we were skipping the Tonys all she typed was... "BUT CANDICE BERGEN" and I could hear the desperate FEELINGS so loudly that I included two Tony dresses in this random final lineup.
Joanna: She has curly light socket hair!!! MURPY BROWN WHYYYYY?! My aunt, who never texts me ever, sent me a text asking if she had fallen asleep at some point during the Tonys and missed the set-up gag for Candice's outfit. This here is an outfit so bad it prompted an older relative to use technology. Do you see, Candice, do you see what you've done?!
Nathaniel: She can't see. Like so many Tony attendees (so many bad dresses!) she was blinded by Amanda Seyfried's Dress of Many Colors.
Joanna: Is that why it looked so awkward when Neil Patrick Harris tried to kiss her? Or could there be another reason...?
Nathaniel: The Tonys have no use for beards, ginger or otherwise.
Joanna: Speaking of favorites. I know you smuggled Michelle on here so you can drool over here. So, let the drooling commence!
Nathaniel: It's true. I know that I'm, shall we say, "partial"... but I really think that there's no one who does effortless casual dressed to the nines beauty as well as she.
Joanna: She looks perfect
Nathaniel: I sometimes think that she actually falls into the Streep school of not caring at all but she just accidentally has good sartorial instincts. You definitely never see her trying which is both blessing and curse because imagine what she could do if she cared!
Joanna: What do you think about Kiernan Shipka? That talented blonde thespian in the making?
Nathaniel: L-O-V-E. which is why I included her. This was from last week's Young Hollywood awards event and everyone there with the exception of the always stylish Hailee Steinfeld looked like they were trying. But Shipka just looks delightful. And also when Mad Men ends each year I suddenly have such withdrawal that I will latch on to anything that helps me feel close to it again. I so hope Sally Draper gets a spinoff series that takes us through the 80s.
Joanna: I WOULD WATCH THAT! Mad Girls! Glen Bishop is not invited
Nathaniel: We'll have to kill him somehow lest Weiner Nepotism work its dark magic again.
Joanna: Down the SCDP elevator shaft!
Nathaniel: Sadly, like Mad Men Season 5 we must end this Carpet Convo. Mirror Mirror on the wall (and by Mirror Mirror I mean Joanna Joanna), is Ginnifer Goodwin the fairest 2012 Snow White of them all in this white dress?
Joanna: You know, it's not hard to outshine Kristen Stewart's red carpet looks (clean hair? advantage, Goodwin!) but yes, this is darling. I miss Ginnifer's longer hair, but the dress itself is gorgeous. Especially with lips as pink as a flamingo.
Your turn readers...
- do you enjoy a ginger beard?
- which synthetic movie star would you buy a copy of to take home?
- have you ever gone too far with appliqué?
- which recent red carpet look excites you?