Beauty vs Beast: Camp Goddess
Monday, September 29, 2014 at 5:30PM 
JA from MNPP here, one-thumbing it Vegas-or-bust for a brand new edition of "Beauty vs Beast." Last week if you can believe it marked 19 years since we first slid into the passenger seat beside one Miss Nomi Malone (Elizabeth Berkley), just an eager-eyed Pollyanna coming from "different places" on her way to a name written in lights - Paul Verhoven's Showgirls, the most epic ode to g-strings and cheeseburgers and the women who love them that's ever graced the silver screen, electrified... well, not a lot of people at the time actually, grossing only 20 million dollars in theaters. But I was there at my little local movie theater on opening night - I've told this story more times than there are beads maliciously strewn across the Goddess stage but as the lights went down on that first Midnight showing of Showgirls the scattered crowd of older men (they were all older men) sitting around my best friend and I broke into an impromptu chant of the word "Tits!" and I knew I was in for something special. It didn't disappoint.
It has of course gone on to become a camp sensation, inspiring books and musicals and countless more Midnight screenings, where I have no doubt the word "Tits!" will be chanted for time eternal. But the question is... how do you like having 'em?
You have one week to vote, and I don't want to see any write-ins for Janet Jackson or Paula Abdul. (But if you wanna toss a vote to a Penny, née Hope, that'll be okay.) Now bring me some brown rice and vegetables.
PREVIOUSLY Have you all finished your milshakes? Have you drunk them up? Did you ever - Mr. Daniel Plainview rode an oil spurt high above the competition with last week's poll, clobbering poor Eli Sunday's brains in once again. Said Carmen Sandiego:
"I voted for Daniel Plainview. They are both horrible wretched people, so I might as well vote for milkshakes! W00t! #teammilkshake"
Reader Comments (15)
Who the fuck is Nomi?
Crystal may have the seductive allure of a warm bowl of Doggy Chow, but without Nomi -- and Elizabeth Berkeley kicking and screaming her way to infamy -- there is no Showgirls.
"...the seductive allure of a warm bowl of Doggy Chow..."
Ew.
Finally a worthy pairing. I want to vote twice. I do love my white trash of all ages.
I'm tempted to vote for Nomi if only for that hilarious sex scene in the pool where it looked like the devil that possessed Regan MacNeil briefly took control of Nomi's body, but alas, even the devil's power is nothing compared to the potent charms of Gina Gershon as Cristal, once again keenly aware of the material she's playing, and plays the hell out of it.
Cristal Conners forever since she basically spent the entire movie fucking with Nomi's head.
I'm too old for that whorey look and I've always loved a diva so I'll forever love Cristal most. But I have to admit that Nomi's idiot savant triumphs and her spazzy carnal fire -- they can't teach it in any school! has grown on me over the years.
Gina Gershon is an actress of such uncanny resourcefulness she can find inspiration from a fried chicken leg or, here, drugstore nail polish. Gotta go with Cristal (trashiest spelling EVAH!).
Cristal named herself after expensive champagne. Which she then baptizes Nomi with. There's no contest here.
There is no way I can decide this without a dance off first. Claws and tits out, ladies! May the most shameless dancer win.
Ver-sayce is a *con*? Surely you jest.
I think it's only fair to point out that Nomi used to love Doggy Chow too.
nomi, prepare yourself for a daniel plainview beatdown...
Sophie's choice.......but not for nothing, I've told people in the past that Gina Gershon as Cristal in Showgirls is the best Supporting Actress performance in the history of cinema. So.
Remember, Nomi is still on the run trying to make it in Hollywood. Cristal got that real good settlement. I'm going with the money.