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« Nicole Kidman Sends Us A Message | Main | Twins »
Tuesday
Jun072011

Red Carpet: MTV Girls, Super Empathy, and Lively Nudity

Previously on red carpet lineup Nathaniel and Jose discussed Cannes gowns and Kurt and Nathaniel chatted about the annual Met Gala. In today's episode, Nathaniel and Jose discuss the MTV Movie Awards fashion.

Nathaniel: ‬ ‪This time we're starting a bit "off cinema" -- although calling the MTV Movie Awards cinema related is a stretch -- for a brief look at the CDFA Awards held this week in New York City.‬

Lady Gaga, Lady Watts, Lady Sevigny, Housewife Marcia

Jose: ‬ ‪Wait, is that the thing where Gaga is? I assumed this lineup was the MTV awards too. Ha. I obviously missed both ceremonies

Nathaniel:‬ ‪Yep. The Council of Fashion Designers honored the industry's biggest designers as is their habit. But they also gave an award to Lady Gaga. Isn't giving Gaga a fashion award kind of like giving Angelina Jolie a Fame Award. Like...

"Congratulations: You are You!!!"

Jose: ‬ ‬ ‪She should receive fashion awards at the Cattle Salesman Council, not the fashion council.‬
She's always so coy about it, like "oh, you think I'm special?", I hate that. ‪Despite my love of McQueen I personally think that you should be able to "wear" fashion and these awards should go to people who encourage that‬

Nathaniel:‬ I hesitated to include Gaga in the Lineup o Actresses because lord knows the woman CANNOT act (see: music videos and SNL). I wish so bad that she'd make a movie because people would finally stop kicking Madonna for her shaky thespian tendencies. But I have a larger point to make.‬

Which is that if you're attending such a thing, shouldn't you do what Chloe Sevigny and Marcia Cross are doing and NOT what Naomi Watts is doing? Something eyepopping or you might as well be wallpaper.

Jose: To be honest, I'd rather have my Naomi fix in this wallflower-ish type, cause she's made some hideous choices in the past‬. Remember that dress she wore to the Oscars that made her look like King Kong had recently attacked her? This is careless copying, though. This is essentially what Gwynnie wore to the Oscars this year, but short and shapeless.

Nathaniel:‬ And bland. Here's the thing with blond actresses that are not particularly unusually eye-popping in some way. They're like grains of sand on the beach. There are millions of others with whom you are indistinguishable unless you're giving it a little something extra.‬ Naomi overcompensates onscreen sometimes by ACTING but undercompensates on the red carpet.

Jose: I say let's pull a Freaky Friday on Gaga and Naomi.

Nathaniel: !!! Wonderful idea.

Jose: Gaga looking human would be more surprising than anything else.

Nathaniel: Totes. I keep waiting for her to have her own "Live to Tell" moment where suddenly she's just in a simple flowery dress with pretty hair. That was SO shocking at the time for Madonna.‬ That's got to happen eventually.

Jose: ‬ ‬ ‪I'd love to see what she wore when she was just plain old "Gaga from the block", even Madge is down to earth now (in Louis Vuitton of course)‬

Nathaniel: I like that Chloe's top feels rubbery and sentient and winged... I suddenly picture her as Professor X's love Empress Lilandra of the Shi'Ar but I have mutants on the brain.

Jose: That makes total sense. She wouldn't even need CGI to display weird powers.‬

Lilandra and Dazzler of late 70s/early 80s X-Men fame


Nathaniel:‬ ‪Heh. I know I've said this very recently in another red carpet post but everyone is conspiring to make me think of 70s DAZZLER from the X-Men lately.

Jose: ‬ ‪Marcia looks stunning. I'm pretty sure she's looked the same since the 70's, maybe she's a mutant herself‬.

Nathaniel: These sparkly disco jumpsuits! There needs to be an X-Men Origins: Dazzler movie to fully bring back the 1970s. Fashion is trying to take us there anyway.‬

Jose: And I'd love to see Cross in a catfight with Jennifer Lawrence. ‪I say, let's put 'em all in rollerskates and have ourselves a Xanadu-Men: First Class!‬

Nathaniel: Damnit. Now I have to go masturbate.

Jose: LOL. It's too early for that here.

Nathaniel: Self-love knows no time zones!‬ Speaking of masturbatory.... let's move on to the MTV Twilight Awards.‬

Jose: ‬ ‬ ‪Ew, fine.

Nathaniel:‬ ‪This first lineup of lovely ladies demonstrates to us that it's A) summer at last B) short skirts are in.‬

Emma Watson, Mini-Dakota, Emma Stone, KStew, Queen Reese

Jose:  ‬ ‪I remember the time when the fine people of the planet voted for movies like Scream and Lord of the Rings in those awards, heck they even gave Nicole Kidman a trophy for Moulin Rouge! when Oscar ignored her‬

Nathaniel:‬ ‪I was just talking about this to a friend yesterday at lunch. You sound like an old curmudgeon when you say: back in my day they used to vote for good movies! but in this case it's not nostalgia, it's plain-ass facts. I mean, they gave Wes Anderson a prize! They gave Se7en prizes. It used to be about "hip" movies, not movies that preteens by the billions were obsessed with.‬ In some small ways they were cooler than the Oscars but despite their funny joke about The King's Speech demo (all those senior citizens wooting in the audience) this week, the weird shocking truth is that Academy voters are generally hipper han MTV Executives these days in terms of what's cool in the cinema. MTV is about as edgy as the People's Choice Awards.

I know that audiences vote on the winners but whoever is picking the nominees seems to be picking them solely based on what they think The Kids like. I mean Adam Sandler movies are still getting nominations? I understand he's still big box office but that's not the same thing as "hip". MTV is ignoring stuff like Scott Pilgrim (which they woulda gagged on 10 years ago with joy.)

Jose: ‬ ‪sigh‬. On the bright side, most of these ladies are quite talented, so...

Nathaniel:
‪eh... let's not go that far!‬

Jose: ‬ ‬ ‪lol, well Reese and Emma (Stone) rock‬

Nathaniel:‬ ‪I'm on record as stating that I think Emma Watson is quite a terrible actor... (most improved maybe but "improved" doesn't mean "good") but she looked amazing on the big night and maybe I like her as a celebrity? I like her enthusiasm. The Potter crew in general seem like good eggs. They give off the air of understanding how fortunate they are... which is not something you can say about most American actors who become famous as children.

Jose: ‬Or Kristen freaking Stewart...‬

Nathaniel: I will say along with KStew's growing entitlement she does seem more at ease with her stardom than she did even two years ago. Which is a huge plus. And this dress is hot.‬

Jose: ‬ ‬ ‪So you think the woman wearing metal pins looks at ease?‬

Nathaniel: ‬ ‪I wasn't seeing metal pins... from a distance here's what it reminds me up: That "BODIES" exhibit with all the insides of dead people. It's like Kristen's inner muscles and arteries which she shot up with crystals because she's rich, so why the hell not?

Jose: She's always so freaking uncomfortable with movies, why the hell did she choose to become an "actress"?

Nathaniel: ‬ ‪Masochism.‬

Jose:‬ ‪what worries me most, is having people actually voting for her "actressing" over Natalie Portman‬.

According to MTV voters, Kristin Stewart's "Bella" is a better performance than Natalie Portman's Black swan or Emma Stone's star-making "Easy A" work

Nathaniel:‬ ‪I can't... we can't even talk about "best performances" with a straight face when it comes to MTV. The voters wouldn't be able to text the right votes even if Meryl Streep was babysitting and tutoring them through it.

Jose: ‬ But if Meryl taught silly teenagers how to vote, she'd get an Oscar nod for a movie about it...the world has its balance I guess.

Nathaniel: ‬ ‪Equilibrium restored!

Jose: Reese (who looks awesome though I'm not too crazy about the Britney hair) got a lifetime achievement award, so in a way, there is a balance even within this mess‬.

Nathaniel: I am so in love with Emma Stone right now. I know that's entirely cliche but she is EXACTLY what the movies have been waiting for in her age bracket. Bless.‬

Jose: Emma better live up to what she's promised us, makes sense that they're the best dressed of this dull bunch‬

Nathaniel:‬ ‪I just realized I entiredly ignored Elle Fanning. Which is kind of how I operate in general as my heart still belongs to Dakota.‬

Jose: Elle looks way too young to be there‬.

Nathaniel: Jose, uh, it's them MTV AWARDS. a talking fetus beat Justin Timberlake's dialogue from The Social Network for "best line".  Elle is practically Judi Dench!‬

Jose: ‬ ‬ ‪LMAO‬ maybe young wasn't the right word, I wanted to say innocent Look at her baby face! I'm afraid Kristen Stewart will feast on her nubile blood during the commercial breaks.

Nathaniel: ‬ ‪I don't think Kristen does any feasting unless someone drags the food over to her, chews it for her and drops it in her mouth.‬

Jose: ‬ ‪hahahaha, ugh making fun of her is too easy, I'm starting to feel guilty‬

Nathaniel:  ‪I'm not implying eating disorder, just laziness!‬ (But maybe that's just her acting.)

I can't decide if we should finish with the men or the ladies?

Jose: Ladies are more fun.‬

Nathaniel: It's true. But you wanna go out on a strong note.‬ Let's get the men out of the way.

Mr. Popper, Jacob, Rami Malek, The Green Lantern
Jose: All the guys look the same! down to the hairstyle and everything‬

Nathaniel: I want to know what t-shirt Jim Carrey is wearing. I feel like i should recognize it but i don't. famous album cover? rock tour?

Jose: ‬ ‬ ‪"...and god created color!" what's up with their blues and beiges and stuff ugh, where's Cee-Lo Green when you need him?‬ The T-shirt looks like Bowie, no?

Nathaniel: ‬ ‪Possible. Taylor Lautner looks more and more plastic to me every year. Do you think he's a smoothie underneath? Like a Ken doll. He is too smooth. 19 year olds don't use botox do they? It's like his face is one muscle instead of several moving parts. I cant' see any expression anywhere on it.

Jose:  ‪I'm disturbed by how dirty his shoes are‬.

Nathaniel: That's counterprogramming for the smile.‬

Next to Taylor is Rami Malek and the only reason i included him was that he just got cast in the new P.T. Anderson movie !!!!!!!! Lucky guy.

And also because I really fear the highwaisted skinny pants without a belt look. I fear it with my entire soul because I no longer have a 28" waist. And who looks good that way even if they do.

Jose: I thought he'd been cast in a biopic of Ed Grimley.


Nathaniel: LOL.

We leave the men behind with Ryan Reynolds. I HATE perfect men. zzz. You know that the only way you can wear those shapeless hangy cardigans and not look shapeless and schlubby is if your body is gym crafted perfection underneath and would give you the right lines even if you were in a snowsuit.‬

I hate him.

Jose: He bores me. He should've attended in briefs and gladiator sandals.

Nathaniel: Or just naked.

Jose: Or that!

Nathaniel: That would have been less boring. Or perhaps not boring at all.

Okay, final lineup.

Retired Actress, Pregnant Actress, Friday Night Actress, Surfer Actress, Naked Actress

Jose:‬ ‪When I first saw this picture, I thought you'd mistakenly sent me a crime suspect lineup of 80's hookers‬.

Nathaniel: LOL. I wanted to go out with a bang. Remember when Amanda Bynes announced her retirement on twitter?

Jose: ‪ugh yes, wasn't that like a month ago? Is she back like Babs and Cher?‬

Nathaniel: You have just paid her the highest compliment she'll ever receive... her name paired with genuine legends.‬

Jose: Bless her.

Nathaniel: This look is all kinds of off putting. Every single piece of the whole. THOSE SHOES. I don't even... neon aqua shag-a-delic.!

Jose: I think this is an audition for a Miley Cyrus biopic. The weird thing is that SJP can pull those shoes off. She did in an episode of Sex & The City.

Nathaniel: What can't SJP pull off, though?

Jose: Poor Amanda looks like seaweed attacked her feet‬

Nathaniel: Even her purse offends my eyes. although i might like it for myself if it was a winter coat.‬

Bryce Dallas Howard is pregnant so she really WENT for the matronly. She wants to own it.‬

Jose: She looks like cotton candy, so wholesome and cute, she's the MTV awards equivalent of Olivia de Havilland

Nathaniel: ‬ ‪!!!! The legendary name dropping you are doing, Jose. You're so flattering today that I have to wonder if their publciists got to you.

Jo‬se: I'd feel bad messing with a pregnant lady.  I do like Bryce (despite that dress) and the fact that she's in Twilight. Manderlay goodwill?

Nathaniel: Bryce's mutant power is the inability to appear in a good movie. And that includes Manderlay!‬ She's had good projects on paper but they all manifest wrong.


Jose: ‬ ‬ ‪LMAO‬. Can you blame her for being in mediocre movies? It runs in her family; her dad's the movie version of granola bars.

Nathaniel: First you're unwittingly dissing Babs and De Havilland and now you want to ruin the good name of granola bars?

Jose: I just had a stale one now and I'm pissed at it. Sorry granola bar, it's not your fault.

Nathaniel: My worst nightmare of this very moment: That Bryce Dallas Howard will continue in her father's tradition of naming her children after the places they were conceived.

Jose: ‬ ‪you mean names like MTV Movie Awards 2010 Howard?‬

Nathaniel: Heh, no.... where did Twilight film again? We'll know we're in trouble if her unborn child's middle  name turns out to be "Vancouver"‬

okay. the only reason i put Aimee Teegarden on here is because I am suffering anticipatory withdrawal from Friday Night Lights already. I hurt inside. I hurt.‬

Jose: [patting your shoulder] ‪Honestly I have never seen that but I keep hearing all that buzz, I just hate watching a good show and then having it cancelled, so I'll wait until they end it for real, so I can watch the whole thing.

Nathaniel: Well they have ended it. I'm experiencing the death rattle now. I hurt all the time. i think i have 4 more episodes or something. THE PAIN. She's maybe my least favorite character and when she hurts onscreen I still hurt!‬

Connie Britton & Aimee Teegarden in "Friday Night Lights", the best show on television that isn't named "Mad Men". And even then...

‪That show's mutant power is empathy projection. It throbs with feeling and totally messes with your head. I have never cared this much for anything Texan except for my first boyfriend.‬ ‪But he did not care about football and neither should I. But I even care about football when watching that show. Perhaps it had to be put down.‬

Jose: You'll have True Blood to comfort you in a few weeks, don't cry‬.
naked Alexander Skarsgard > football.

Nathaniel: But this is how dangerous Friday Night Lights is. I'd rather watch those inarticular rednecks play football than see Skarsgard naked. Friday Night Lights is THAT good. I aint lying.

Jose:  ‪oh wow, I'll put it in my queue then...I can not imagine anything better than naked Swedes, so it better live up to that Nathaniel!‬

For the last episode, maybe you can get as drunk as Cameron Diaz looks in that pic, to feel a bit better?

Nathaniel: I feel a little bad for "cute" actresses as they age. Hollywood is so ageist and the "cute" ones get it the worst -- think of the hostility that greeted Meg Ryan the second she turned 40. Diaz is 39. But maybe she'll be like Goldie Hawn and freeze like this forever bubbly/funny/famous?‬

Jose: As long as she stays away from the botox she'll do fine, girl's surfer body is HOT‬
maybe she'll concentrate on finally getting the Golden Globe that has eluded her so much and age with dignity.

Nathaniel: It's weird she's never won, right?‬ She seems like the type that the Golden Globe Comedy was invented for. Except I guess that's morphed into the runner up prize for Best Actress rather than a pure "comedy" prize.

Jose: Comedy isn't ever comedy at the Globes. It's either tragic actresses playing real life singers or depressed, slightly cynical people. S‬he should star in a TV movie like Uma did, otherwise she will never ever win.

Nathaniel: Speaking of tragic actress [ba dum dum] we end with Blake Lively simply because it's hilarious to me that Reese read her for filth in her acceptance speech with that "nude photos" bit.

Jose: That nude thing is such prudish BS, come on. The girl's always naked. This Mystique dress leaves nothing to the imagination. Plus she's hot! I'd make everyone see me naked if I was her.

Nathaniel: But what about free will, Jose? Why should we HAVE to see you naked?!?

Jose: I've been working out!

Oh, you mean her... well, she can offer people an option. "My name is Blake, would you like to see me naked: yes or no?" Period. It's a great icebreaker. 

 

 

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Reader Comments (13)

I adore Emma Watson and the rest of the Harry Potter trio. Yes, as actors they are pretty terrible/bland/stiff, but they're the most endearing individuals. They're all incredible sweet, intelligent, well-spoken and down-to-earth in public, and have their own thing going; Rupert Grint is shy and eccentric, and lives up to the image by being practically invisible apart from the HP events. Daniel Radcliffe is this incredibly hilarious, hyper, self-deprecating pop culture freak, and Emma Watson's a fashion muse-Ivy Leaguer and demurely sweet to boot. They're all such egoless class acts. Whatever the Harry Potter UK people did, they need to write a manual. "How to raise lucrative brands out of children without turning them into self-absorbed bubblegum future-drug-addicts brats. It is possible, people!"

June 7, 2011 | Unregistered Commentercaroline

I LOVE the Potter bunch as well. They always, always come off as polite, professional, disciplined, respectful, grateful and gracious people, and always have. Each of them has their own personality, but they are always well mannered, graceful and charming.

I think Rupert is by far the best of the three, miles ahead of the other two, but at the same time, I think he will have the harder path and things will be a bit more difficult for him, because he is not conventionally pretty- red hair, chubbier face, freckles, no"Ryan Reynolds abs"- eventhough he grew up to be a very charming young man. Emma has the "cute girl" thing going on for her-as well as being a clothes horse, which makes her more bankable and easier to sell- and Radcliffe is Potter, the most recognizable of them all.

June 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda

You can add my name to the bunch who love the Harry Potter kid. They really are that cool. It makes me wish they were better actors (excepto for Grint, who I think is fine).

June 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLucky

Amanda & Lucky & Caroline -- I guess this is a commonly held feeling. I have been impressed with them off hte screen for sure.

June 7, 2011 | Registered CommenterNATHANIEL R

I think this MTV Awards should move its airing before the Oscar, therefore it will be the most important precursor award throughout the season. I mean, they chose Kristen Stewart over an Oscar Winner and Rob Pattinson over an Oscar nominee (Jesse Eisenberg). The show is really game-changing.

June 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMikhael

To be fair to KStew, she seemed like she found it as ridiculous as we did that she won over Nat and Emma Stone.

I feel exactly the same way about Emma Watson!!

June 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBroooooke

Nat, I feel your pain. I've already finished "Friday Night Lights" and I am still going through withdrawal. That show is just so brilliant. I feel like these are real people's lives I'm watching. One of the amazing things about that show is the casting. At the end of the series, I looked back and realized how much I grew to love both generations (the original cast and after the Dillion High break-up).

June 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSquasher88

Ugh, I will always love these red carpet recaps. SO much fun to read, Nate + Jose!

I'm gonna be shameless and say I totally love how Marcia Cross is rocking that 70s glam one piece.

LOL @ the obsession with Dazzler. That bitch is fierce though.

Word @ the Movie Awards/MTV rant. Forget them though, nothing will change unless those studio heads turn back into humans. With functioning brains.

LOL "talking fetus".

How exactly do you solve a problem like Cameron Diaz? You don't since she doesn't seem to care anymore either.

"When I first saw this picture, I thought you'd mistakenly sent me a crime suspect lineup of 80's hookers‬."
I died.

Since we're talking about mutant powers, mine would probably be the power to connect seemingly logical words and ideas together to form full statements to deflect annoying people from my path. "Honesty".

June 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMark

awww. thanks Mark. I always wonder if people like this feature. we just do it because it's fun to do but they never get very many comments. despite all the name-dropping and dangling conversation threads ;)

re: HONESTY. hilarious. I have that problem too. Last night on Twitter I said my piece about the media conversation on Congressmen Weiner and promptly lost several followers. Ah well. If you gotta say something, you gotta say something.

June 8, 2011 | Registered CommenterNATHANIEL R

Count me in as fans of how the Potter Kids grew up. I have a lot of respect for how Dan Radcliffe is challenging himself on Broadway. I am still smarting from the fact his marvelous performance in How to Succeed didn't even get him a Tony nomination. I can't wait for him to perform with the cast on the show on Sunday..."Brotherhood of Man" got a standing ovation the night I saw the show (in previews).

June 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKim

I think all the Harry Potter kids are good actors; they started out as passable child performers, and they've all improved quite a bit. Radcliffe I think will have an interesting career, based on the stage stuff he's chosen so far (to strong reviews). Watson's going to be interesting.

Grint is really good, but I think he's going to have more difficulty. Maybe he should just cut to the chase and play a serial killer.

June 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSC

I continue to be disinterested in fashion (yes, Jose, I'm curmudgeon) but these conversations are like crack. My favourite part had to be the Bryce Dallas Howard portion.

(Chloe Sevigny looks especially ferocious. I'm praying that she finally gets that Emmy nod.)

June 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAndrew K.

Errm .. "Short skirts are in" Dont you mean "Short frocks or minis or cocktail dresses or bare legs are in"? None of the ladies pictured are wearing a skirt :S

And I loved the article (and all its hissing, lol)

June 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMarco Barquero
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