Previously on red carpet lineup Nathaniel and Jose discussed Cannes gowns and Kurt and Nathaniel chatted about the annual Met Gala. In today's episode, Nathaniel and Jose discuss the MTV Movie Awards fashion.
Nathaniel: This time we're starting a bit "off cinema" -- although calling the MTV Movie Awards cinema related is a stretch -- for a brief look at the CDFA Awards held this week in New York City.
Jose: Wait, is that the thing where Gaga is? I assumed this lineup was the MTV awards too. Ha. I obviously missed both ceremonies
Nathaniel: Yep. The Council of Fashion Designers honored the industry's biggest designers as is their habit. But they also gave an award to Lady Gaga. Isn't giving Gaga a fashion award kind of like giving Angelina Jolie a Fame Award. Like...
"Congratulations: You are You!!!"
Jose: She should receive fashion awards at the Cattle Salesman Council, not the fashion council.
She's always so coy about it, like "oh, you think I'm special?", I hate that. Despite my love of McQueen I personally think that you should be able to "wear" fashion and these awards should go to people who encourage that
Nathaniel: I hesitated to include Gaga in the Lineup o Actresses because lord knows the woman CANNOT act (see: music videos and SNL). I wish so bad that she'd make a movie because people would finally stop kicking Madonna for her shaky thespian tendencies. But I have a larger point to make.
Which is that if you're attending such a thing, shouldn't you do what Chloe Sevigny and Marcia Cross are doing and NOT what Naomi Watts is doing? Something eyepopping or you might as well be wallpaper.
Jose: To be honest, I'd rather have my Naomi fix in this wallflower-ish type, cause she's made some hideous choices in the past. Remember that dress she wore to the Oscars that made her look like King Kong had recently attacked her? This is careless copying, though. This is essentially what Gwynnie wore to the Oscars this year, but short and shapeless.
Nathaniel: And bland. Here's the thing with blond actresses that are not particularly unusually eye-popping in some way. They're like grains of sand on the beach. There are millions of others with whom you are indistinguishable unless you're giving it a little something extra. Naomi overcompensates onscreen sometimes by ACTING but undercompensates on the red carpet.
Jose: I say let's pull a Freaky Friday on Gaga and Naomi.
Nathaniel: !!! Wonderful idea.
Jose: Gaga looking human would be more surprising than anything else.
Nathaniel: Totes. I keep waiting for her to have her own "Live to Tell" moment where suddenly she's just in a simple flowery dress with pretty hair. That was SO shocking at the time for Madonna. That's got to happen eventually.
Jose: I'd love to see what she wore when she was just plain old "Gaga from the block", even Madge is down to earth now (in Louis Vuitton of course)
Nathaniel: I like that Chloe's top feels rubbery and sentient and winged... I suddenly picture her as Professor X's love Empress Lilandra of the Shi'Ar but I have mutants on the brain.
Jose: That makes total sense. She wouldn't even need CGI to display weird powers.
Nathaniel: Heh. I know I've said this very recently in another red carpet post but everyone is conspiring to make me think of 70s DAZZLER from the X-Men lately.
Jose: Marcia looks stunning. I'm pretty sure she's looked the same since the 70's, maybe she's a mutant herself.
Nathaniel: These sparkly disco jumpsuits! There needs to be an X-Men Origins: Dazzler movie to fully bring back the 1970s. Fashion is trying to take us there anyway.
Jose: And I'd love to see Cross in a catfight with Jennifer Lawrence. I say, let's put 'em all in rollerskates and have ourselves a Xanadu-Men: First Class!
Nathaniel: Damnit. Now I have to go masturbate.
Jose: LOL. It's too early for that here.
Nathaniel: Self-love knows no time zones! Speaking of masturbatory.... let's move on to the MTV Twilight Awards.
Jose: Ew, fine.
Nathaniel: This first lineup of lovely ladies demonstrates to us that it's A) summer at last B) short skirts are in.
Jose: I remember the time when the fine people of the planet voted for movies like Scream and Lord of the Rings in those awards, heck they even gave Nicole Kidman a trophy for Moulin Rouge! when Oscar ignored her
Nathaniel: I was just talking about this to a friend yesterday at lunch. You sound like an old curmudgeon when you say: back in my day they used to vote for good movies! but in this case it's not nostalgia, it's plain-ass facts. I mean, they gave Wes Anderson a prize! They gave Se7en prizes. It used to be about "hip" movies, not movies that preteens by the billions were obsessed with. In some small ways they were cooler than the Oscars but despite their funny joke about The King's Speech demo (all those senior citizens wooting in the audience) this week, the weird shocking truth is that Academy voters are generally hipper han MTV Executives these days in terms of what's cool in the cinema. MTV is about as edgy as the People's Choice Awards.
I know that audiences vote on the winners but whoever is picking the nominees seems to be picking them solely based on what they think The Kids like. I mean Adam Sandler movies are still getting nominations? I understand he's still big box office but that's not the same thing as "hip". MTV is ignoring stuff like Scott Pilgrim (which they woulda gagged on 10 years ago with joy.)
Jose: sigh. On the bright side, most of these ladies are quite talented, so...
Nathaniel: eh... let's not go that far!
Jose: lol, well Reese and Emma (Stone) rock
Nathaniel: I'm on record as stating that I think Emma Watson is quite a terrible actor... (most improved maybe but "improved" doesn't mean "good") but she looked amazing on the big night and maybe I like her as a celebrity? I like her enthusiasm. The Potter crew in general seem like good eggs. They give off the air of understanding how fortunate they are... which is not something you can say about most American actors who become famous as children.
Jose: Or Kristen freaking Stewart...
Nathaniel: I will say along with KStew's growing entitlement she does seem more at ease with her stardom than she did even two years ago. Which is a huge plus. And this dress is hot.
Jose: So you think the woman wearing metal pins looks at ease?
Nathaniel: I wasn't seeing metal pins... from a distance here's what it reminds me up: That "BODIES" exhibit with all the insides of dead people. It's like Kristen's inner muscles and arteries which she shot up with crystals because she's rich, so why the hell not?
Jose: She's always so freaking uncomfortable with movies, why the hell did she choose to become an "actress"?
Jose: what worries me most, is having people actually voting for her "actressing" over Natalie Portman.
Nathaniel: I can't... we can't even talk about "best performances" with a straight face when it comes to MTV. The voters wouldn't be able to text the right votes even if Meryl Streep was babysitting and tutoring them through it.
Jose: But if Meryl taught silly teenagers how to vote, she'd get an Oscar nod for a movie about it...the world has its balance I guess.
Nathaniel: Equilibrium restored!
Jose: Reese (who looks awesome though I'm not too crazy about the Britney hair) got a lifetime achievement award, so in a way, there is a balance even within this mess.
Nathaniel: I am so in love with Emma Stone right now. I know that's entirely cliche but she is EXACTLY what the movies have been waiting for in her age bracket. Bless.
Jose: Emma better live up to what she's promised us, makes sense that they're the best dressed of this dull bunch
Nathaniel: I just realized I entiredly ignored Elle Fanning. Which is kind of how I operate in general as my heart still belongs to Dakota.
Jose: Elle looks way too young to be there.
Nathaniel: Jose, uh, it's them MTV AWARDS. a talking fetus beat Justin Timberlake's dialogue from The Social Network for "best line". Elle is practically Judi Dench!
Jose: LMAO maybe young wasn't the right word, I wanted to say innocent Look at her baby face! I'm afraid Kristen Stewart will feast on her nubile blood during the commercial breaks.
Nathaniel: I don't think Kristen does any feasting unless someone drags the food over to her, chews it for her and drops it in her mouth.
Jose: hahahaha, ugh making fun of her is too easy, I'm starting to feel guilty
Nathaniel: I'm not implying eating disorder, just laziness! (But maybe that's just her acting.)
I can't decide if we should finish with the men or the ladies?
Jose: Ladies are more fun.
Nathaniel: It's true. But you wanna go out on a strong note. Let's get the men out of the way.
Jose: All the guys look the same! down to the hairstyle and everything
Nathaniel: I want to know what t-shirt Jim Carrey is wearing. I feel like i should recognize it but i don't. famous album cover? rock tour?
Jose: "...and god created color!" what's up with their blues and beiges and stuff ugh, where's Cee-Lo Green when you need him? The T-shirt looks like Bowie, no?
Nathaniel: Possible. Taylor Lautner looks more and more plastic to me every year. Do you think he's a smoothie underneath? Like a Ken doll. He is too smooth. 19 year olds don't use botox do they? It's like his face is one muscle instead of several moving parts. I cant' see any expression anywhere on it.
Jose: I'm disturbed by how dirty his shoes are.
Nathaniel: That's counterprogramming for the smile.
Next to Taylor is Rami Malek and the only reason i included him was that he just got cast in the new P.T. Anderson movie !!!!!!!! Lucky guy.
And also because I really fear the highwaisted skinny pants without a belt look. I fear it with my entire soul because I no longer have a 28" waist. And who looks good that way even if they do.
Jose: I thought he'd been cast in a biopic of Ed Grimley.
We leave the men behind with Ryan Reynolds. I HATE perfect men. zzz. You know that the only way you can wear those shapeless hangy cardigans and not look shapeless and schlubby is if your body is gym crafted perfection underneath and would give you the right lines even if you were in a snowsuit.
I hate him.
Jose: He bores me. He should've attended in briefs and gladiator sandals.
Nathaniel: Or just naked.
Jose: Or that!
Nathaniel: That would have been less boring. Or perhaps not boring at all.
Okay, final lineup.
Jose: When I first saw this picture, I thought you'd mistakenly sent me a crime suspect lineup of 80's hookers.
Nathaniel: LOL. I wanted to go out with a bang. Remember when Amanda Bynes announced her retirement on twitter?
Jose: ugh yes, wasn't that like a month ago? Is she back like Babs and Cher?
Nathaniel: You have just paid her the highest compliment she'll ever receive... her name paired with genuine legends.
Jose: Bless her.
Nathaniel: This look is all kinds of off putting. Every single piece of the whole. THOSE SHOES. I don't even... neon aqua shag-a-delic.!
Jose: I think this is an audition for a Miley Cyrus biopic. The weird thing is that SJP can pull those shoes off. She did in an episode of Sex & The City.
Nathaniel: What can't SJP pull off, though?
Jose: Poor Amanda looks like seaweed attacked her feet
Nathaniel: Even her purse offends my eyes. although i might like it for myself if it was a winter coat.
Bryce Dallas Howard is pregnant so she really WENT for the matronly. She wants to own it.
Jose: She looks like cotton candy, so wholesome and cute, she's the MTV awards equivalent of Olivia de Havilland
Nathaniel: !!!! The legendary name dropping you are doing, Jose. You're so flattering today that I have to wonder if their publciists got to you.
Jose: I'd feel bad messing with a pregnant lady. I do like Bryce (despite that dress) and the fact that she's in Twilight. Manderlay goodwill?
Nathaniel: Bryce's mutant power is the inability to appear in a good movie. And that includes Manderlay! She's had good projects on paper but they all manifest wrong.
Jose: LMAO. Can you blame her for being in mediocre movies? It runs in her family; her dad's the movie version of granola bars.
Nathaniel: First you're unwittingly dissing Babs and De Havilland and now you want to ruin the good name of granola bars?
Jose: I just had a stale one now and I'm pissed at it. Sorry granola bar, it's not your fault.
Nathaniel: My worst nightmare of this very moment: That Bryce Dallas Howard will continue in her father's tradition of naming her children after the places they were conceived.
Jose: you mean names like MTV Movie Awards 2010 Howard?
Nathaniel: Heh, no.... where did Twilight film again? We'll know we're in trouble if her unborn child's middle name turns out to be "Vancouver"
okay. the only reason i put Aimee Teegarden on here is because I am suffering anticipatory withdrawal from Friday Night Lights already. I hurt inside. I hurt.
Jose: [patting your shoulder] Honestly I have never seen that but I keep hearing all that buzz, I just hate watching a good show and then having it cancelled, so I'll wait until they end it for real, so I can watch the whole thing.
Nathaniel: Well they have ended it. I'm experiencing the death rattle now. I hurt all the time. i think i have 4 more episodes or something. THE PAIN. She's maybe my least favorite character and when she hurts onscreen I still hurt!
That show's mutant power is empathy projection. It throbs with feeling and totally messes with your head. I have never cared this much for anything Texan except for my first boyfriend. But he did not care about football and neither should I. But I even care about football when watching that show. Perhaps it had to be put down.
Jose: You'll have True Blood to comfort you in a few weeks, don't cry.
naked Alexander Skarsgard > football.
Nathaniel: But this is how dangerous Friday Night Lights is. I'd rather watch those inarticular rednecks play football than see Skarsgard naked. Friday Night Lights is THAT good. I aint lying.
Jose: oh wow, I'll put it in my queue then...I can not imagine anything better than naked Swedes, so it better live up to that Nathaniel!
For the last episode, maybe you can get as drunk as Cameron Diaz looks in that pic, to feel a bit better?
Nathaniel: I feel a little bad for "cute" actresses as they age. Hollywood is so ageist and the "cute" ones get it the worst -- think of the hostility that greeted Meg Ryan the second she turned 40. Diaz is 39. But maybe she'll be like Goldie Hawn and freeze like this forever bubbly/funny/famous?
Jose: As long as she stays away from the botox she'll do fine, girl's surfer body is HOT
maybe she'll concentrate on finally getting the Golden Globe that has eluded her so much and age with dignity.
Nathaniel: It's weird she's never won, right? She seems like the type that the Golden Globe Comedy was invented for. Except I guess that's morphed into the runner up prize for Best Actress rather than a pure "comedy" prize.
Jose: Comedy isn't ever comedy at the Globes. It's either tragic actresses playing real life singers or depressed, slightly cynical people. She should star in a TV movie like Uma did, otherwise she will never ever win.
Nathaniel: Speaking of tragic actress [ba dum dum] we end with Blake Lively simply because it's hilarious to me that Reese read her for filth in her acceptance speech with that "nude photos" bit.
Jose: That nude thing is such prudish BS, come on. The girl's always naked. This Mystique dress leaves nothing to the imagination. Plus she's hot! I'd make everyone see me naked if I was her.
Nathaniel: But what about free will, Jose? Why should we HAVE to see you naked?!?
Jose: I've been working out!
Oh, you mean her... well, she can offer people an option. "My name is Blake, would you like to see me naked: yes or no?" Period. It's a great icebreaker.