It's the new improved Red Carpet Convos. Faster, snappier, more focused... at least until the Oscars when it's impossible not to feel overwhelmed by gowns and veritably trampled by stilettos. For now, one event or theme at a time, all quick like. Today it's premiere time for Woody Allen. Welcome back Joanna from Pajiba.
Joanna: Okay, let's hit it!
Nathaniel: Today we're going To Rome With Love by way of Los Angeles and New York.
Joanna: Bad fashion from 'round the world!
Nathaniel: Right. I hate to start with such a downer waaah-waaaaah but I almost feel like this LA premiere is actual stills from a Woody Allen movie. He kinda loves the beiges. Since red carpets take place outdoors we'll call this Exteriors. Coming Soon!
Joanna: Not Alison's Getting Married?
Nathaniel: Marriage, Pill Style [pill being valiums]
Joanna: I love Pill and I think she looks swellegant from the waist up. But the length is so bridal meets plastic shower curtain from Target.
Nathaniel: With ballet slippers? I mean where is she going.
Joanna: If this were a wedding, then Penélope Cruz would be the super aggressive Mother of The Bride.
Nathaniel: Right. Love the Power Bitch Shellacked Hair though it always reminds me of that time when Laura Linney got all "bad girl" at the Oscars.
Joanna: Not loving the sparkly boob drape, but it's almost as if Penélope is narrowing her heavily lined eyes at me, daring me to question her "window treatment." If you know what I mean.
Nathaniel: This red carpet is depressing and it's for a sunny Rome-set comedy. Greta Gerwig will play the role of Pill's Flower (Dress) Girl. Or wait. are those grapes?
Joanna: Rome? Grapes? A theme!
Nathaniel: To Bacchus With Love
Joanna: I have to say, of all the pieces on this carpet, Elena Anaya's hot pink shoes are my FAVORITE.
Nathaniel: The Shoes She Lives In
Joanna: god I loved that movie.
Nathaniel: Let's change cities like Woody do. (He should direct a James Bond movie since they're always globe hopping)
Joanna: What is the delightful secret Woody is keeping? Is it that Greta is expecting? Or that her shoes are secretly the Phantom Of The Opera?
Nathaniel: Hee. But that's why we were at a wedding earlier. Shotgun. Woody, Greta, and Penélope are in NYC all of a sudden in this photo so out comes the black (shoes or dress or both)
Joanna: But Penelope is sticking to the grape theme.
Nathaniel: Days of Wine and Bardem-Cruzes -- I can't stop with the fake movie titles. Apologies.
I'd love to get complely drunk with her but I kinda hate this color on her. I'm not sure why. I think maybe it's because she looks so tan lately.
Joanna: What do we think of the Hamm Wesfeldt's? I love her dress and basically everything about her except for her Zellwegerian squint. And he, to me, is stubbly perfection.
Nathaniel: I love them. They strike me as a genuinely awesome happy couple, whether squinting or unshaven. And, not for nothing, I think they'd both be great in a Woody Allen movie. I hope they were handshaking and charming and bantering to sell that.
Joanna: <--- OH GOD GRETA'S WAIST FRINGE
Nathaniel: I knew I had to hit you with another Greta pic. It's just... what?!?
Joanna: Her waist looks like it's wearing false eyelashes. The whole thing is just so staggeringly unflattering. In every conceivable way.
Nathaniel: waistlashes. lol. what an image. I'm not sure how to end this Exteriors movie. Gerwig has robbed me of speech.
Joanna: Then take a tip from Woody and, just, shhhhhhhhhhhh.
Nathaniel: [rolling credits with some jaunty 30s tune]