Nathaniel: Hi Joanna and Jose! Welcome back. We'll call this Part One and it will be truly perverse if there isn't a part two since there was so very much gownage last night.
Joanna: So happy to be back! Like so many things we saw last night, my excitement runneth over.
Nathaniel: There are these precious few windows of time, see, and we're all online so we cover what we can. Speaking of windows of time... Mad Men's Emmy time passeth over. 0 for 17. So let's start with the Mad Women because they're never 0 for 17 in Nathaniel's World.
Joanna: I feel like I just saw Jessica Pare's dress on someone else. Am I crazy?
Nathaniel: Jose will know.
Jose: Maybe on her. She's been doing a lot of Jason Wu lately. But also, this is a very favored shape for red carpets, it might remind you of when Cate Blanchett won the Oscar too
Nathaniel: Oh, yes, that. I see it.
Joanna: Well it's very goddessy and I like it and her cherry popping lip. Unlike, say, Elisabeth Moss's dress which reminds me of a ravaged sofa
Nathaniel: Ravaged Sofa - ha! Some hipster band seeking a name just found it. Jessica Paré's look strikes me as a little too polished. Or maybe Jessica Paré is just making me nervous because I keep reading these theories that it was the Megan-focus of the latest season that turned Emmy against Mad Men...
Jose: I don't buy into that, we know all the old horny voters were Zou Bisou-Bisouing when they voted. Moss reminds me of the flamenco teacher from Happy-Go-Lucky. Without the humor
Nathaniel: I loved the shock of the new blonde hair.
Joanna: I love her hair too. January Jones on the other hand. How do you gents feel about that hint o' sideburn?
Nathaniel: I am pro hint of sideburns. On men.
Jose: Whatever January's doing, I'll buy it. She always makes such statements through style. Remember when she did 80s hair 2 years ago with the seashell on the boobs dress?
Nathaniel: You're a time capsule, my friend, but I'm only ever in the now with these things. I can barely remember last night let alone two years ago. I don't understand January's hair at all but to me Christina Hendricks is the perfect marriage of hair with dress.
Jose: Hendricks always picks such washed out colors (or black) when she should learn from Juli and do crazy ass purples and turquoises!
Nathaniel: Or, gulp, yellow. Can we talk about Julia Ormond?
Jose: She stole Juliette Binoche's face.
Nathaniel: I'm writing up a whole backstory where she started life as a figure skater and she pulled this out of the closet and had a whole floor length gown added to the sleeves. She can no longer triple axel in it but it's still a modest beauty. Joanna?
Joanna: Well Julia's hair is certainly aerodynamic. And at the very least, Christina's bland color draws attention to her face rather than...er...elsewhere.
Nathaniel: Considering how good the face is... why not? Let's move on to a small sampling of "worst" looks. Worst being in the eye of the beholder.
Joanna: PORTIA. WHYYYYYYY
Joanna: Go ahead. Tell me what sort of fashion statement is being made there.
Nathaniel: If you squint your eyes it's like nude mud wrestling. I dunno. Seriously try it.
Joanna: Hmmmm, sticky.
Jose: I stick up for January, Portia's on her own here. If you go for a jumpsuit do sequins or something wow-y, not nude
Nathaniel: You guys. What can be done about Ashley Judd. This dress is HILARIOUS from the back. The bow is so much fabric -- it's so big that it almost feels like a hook to just hang up the dress with after the show, actress still in it.
Joanna: You know how she got all that crap for being "puffy"? Maybe she was trying to distract from her face. I mean, no one was talking about her face.
Nathaniel: I can't imagine what the person sitting behind her was tempted to do with all that bow in their face.
Jose: at least when Nicole wears bows she has the decency to put them on the side, she's considerate about people in cheaper seats
Joanna: Is Sofia in costume as one of Khaleesi's dragons?
Jose: I thought Ariel the mermaid's slutty cousin.
Nathaniel: I feel like Sofia Vergara gets absolutely no shit ever for wearing basically the same thing every year in a different color. And this year it's even cheaper looking with that cutout.
Joanna: Did you guys see that image of her bum? That she tweeted? I kind of love her, but, chica, that is not okay.
Nathaniel: She's her own pimp. No one seems more okay with their own continual objectification.
Jose: Yeah she has a tendency to cheap it up for the Emmys. She always looks like a runner up from Miss Universe
Nathaniel: Not a winner? That's low, Jose.
Joanna: And, also, can we discuss the maxi pads covering Zosia Mamet's assets?
Nathaniel: Cutouts, transparent or actual are so obviously on-trend but I HATE them. Zosia's dress looks like at least three dresses at war with each other. At least Khaleesi's is only two: white smock for painting over a purple inkblot fantasy.
Joanna: Zosia's knees lost that war.
Jose: Haha poor Shosh, in her defense I think the dress isn't as awful. She's just not good enough for it. Leave the complicated, structural dresses to January! Don't mess with the pros
Joanna: That's in HER defense?
Nathaniel: So.... Joanna. Which of these dresses would you wear if forced to choose!?
Joanna: Oh, Khaleesi's, for sure. Emilia Clarke almost almost almost pulls it off. But all the Ellens in the world couldn't charm me into that jumpsuit train wreck.
Nathaniel:That's a lot of Ellens but who can argue
Joanna: Okay MAYBE Ellen Page.
Joanna: Shall we talk couples?
Nathaniel: nobody asked me which of these train wrecks I would wear. I know you're just too shy so I'll end the suspense: the slutty mermaid.
Jose: you'd have to rip it from me first!
Joanna: Hahahah. There's our answer.
Nathaniel: I knew you were just too shy to ask so i ended the suspense
If Jose and I both wear it we could be Khaleesi's dragons
Nathaniel: POWER COUPLES. But first I should note that I originally had Portia in a different lineup with Ellen -- Line up of the Gays!
Cuz Hollywood is just overrun with them (finally!) but they could also apply to this power couple lineup coming up.
Jose: Nothing about the gay pic makes me particularly excited, except maybe how glad I am Portia didn't add a bowtie to her ensemble!
Joanna: Zachary Quinto makes me excited...always
Nathaniel: Jesse Tyler Ferguson's boyfriend is beyond adorable. I'm so glad we're past the days when cameras tried to avoid gay dates. Also: I love Denis O'Hare's bowtie.
Okay POWER COUPLES
Jose: I love Leslie, but I'm not a fan of her prom look
Joanna: I can't begrudge a woman her pockets. I love pocket dresses. You can hide ALL the flasks in that skirt.
Jose: Pockets make me happy.
Joanna: Right? Think of all the things you could smuggle! Jon Hamm's shoe, Lucy Liu's earrings, a whole Dinklage.
Nathaniel: Pockets bring me nothing but trouble. My pants bulge out in weird ways because I am constantly trying to carry so much stuff around with me and i hate manbags and backpacks and fannypacks so basically my hands are always occupied and my pockets runneth over. Very polished!
Jose: I also think the gay guys should've shaved Tom Hanks. oh wait, this is for the Disney movie, right?
Joanna: yes, Jose, I'm afraid Tom Hanks has been Poppinsed
Nathaniel:Wait, what? I'm not sure i want to know but What?
Jose: He does look like good ole Walt
Joanna: Okay. I've read a lot of comments today on Claire Danes' dress and you know what? I like it. Holla.
Nathaniel: I feel like Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson hold at least 49% of the power in Hollywood but the 51% makes sure that Rita has no career to speak of beside occasionaly sassy best friend parts in adult contemp movies.
Jose: ugh and she can be so great!
Jose: Didn't she help discover Nia Vardalos though? Not that that has particularly changed the world of movies, but maybe she's good at scouting talent?
Nathaniel: Claire Danes has the night's best accessory (Hugh Dancy, designed by God) and I like the bold color even though I am generally allergic to yellows. But I don't understand the shapelessness.
Joanna: from the front she didn't look pregnant, and I think that's what she was going for
Nathaniel: if you're going maternity, really go for it. Plenty of great glam maternity looks.
Jose: I love that she went with Lanvin. She looked fantastic and I applaud her for not having her belly steal her thunder; it was mom's night after all
Joanna: You're right about Dancy, Nathaniel. That's what I would smuggle in my pocket. A Dancy.
Nathaniel: That dress would need a lot of fabric to hide him. You'd have to tear off yardage from Ashley's bow and January Jones's layers
Joanna: I think Christina had several yards to spare.
I wouldn't be conspicuous at all.
Nathaniel: The lusty smile would surely give you away
Jose: While you two lust after Dancy, I'll get me some Hamm
Nathaniel: Do you think he loses every year from pure 100% proof jealousy? How else to explain it?
Joanna: Do you think he'll make it? How will he be able to go on being merely a handsome, rich, charming white dude?
Jose: People are waiting for Don's "big moment", the show isn't particularly good at delivering award worthy clips I think
Joanna: Ah, so next year Don should bludgeon Megan to death? Two birds, one paper weight?
Nathaniel: Is this what we're reduced to? Actors need "clips" as badly as Politiicans need "soundbytes". What a world what a world.
Jose: Subtlety doesn't get anyone any trophies, just watch how Maggie Smith will take over her category until freaking Downton is over
(I also really like Megan, so don't kill her lol)
Nathaniel: Okay I know I know. We have come to the end (of part one) and you both are desperate to say one thing. just one word about Julianne Moore's dress since we're out of time. Say it. Say the one word.
Jose: Don't hold the mustard EVER!
Nathaniel: that's five words.
Jose: I'm Maggie Smith in this scenario -no time for Don Draper classiness
Joanna: The Dowager Countess won't fit in anyone's pocket.
Nathaniel: Can we have Breastragedy added to Websters immediately? I yearn to know the correct prononuciation and multiple meanings. Can you use its a verb, noun and adjective?
Joanna: I don't think I can verb it.
Jose: I can't see what was wrong with J.Mo's dress?
Joanna: The breastragic dress does no one any favors. I loved the color but there was something unsettling about the way the bodice fitted. But I have issues in that area. I was dying to yank Zooey's dress up all night.
Nathaniel: okay... time to go.
Joanna: Pack up your pocket dresses with your fanciest Dancys. It's been swell!
Jose: Thanks for having me, great to discuss pockets with you Joanna.
Nathaniel: Kisses and slutty mermaid orgies for all!
How would you describe Julianne's dress in one word? Which star would you shove in your pocket dress to run away with? Which dress did you think of as "worst"?