Nathaniel: Is it too late to talk about the Emmy divas and their dresses. This pop culture wheel does spin madly these days -- knocking me right off my axis sometimes.
Jose: We're only a day behind E!'s own red carpet talk (not that comparing onself to E! is any sort of compliment.)
Mark: We can think of it as a gift we're giving to a busy world. Sit back. Relax. Fondly remember days gone by... Sunday gone by.
Nathaniel: Well, it's horrible to follow Joan Rivers but then our purposes are never quite the same with our red carpet coverage. We're here to talk about the ladies and we're less bitchy and we're allowed to discuss actual careers, too. If we're so moved. I think we should start with this "Worst" collection and get the negativity out of the way.
Jose: You did NOT just put Gwynnie in your worst list.
Nathaniel: I did. Left to right. Megan Mullaly. I instantly regret putting her here because at least there are colors other than reds but it reminds me of this one tie I wore back when I thought loud colorful ties were fashionable simply because men's clothing was such a sedative.
Jose: I didn't even know she'd been to the Emmys. I have nothing against the dress at least it's a change from her usual black pant suit look.
Mark: The dress is kind of overwhelming. Like, you expect to unfold it and discover it's actually a giant, silk screened print of an Impressionist painting.
Nathaniel: Damnit, now I like it more.
Mark: Is she on television now in the absence of Party Down?
Nathaniel: She does guest stints on Parks and Recreation where she plays the demonic ex-wife of her actual husband Nick Offerman. They're hilarious together.
Jose: Wait, she's married to Nick Offerman? *mind explodes* I can not for the life of me, wait to see what she and Patty Clarkson come up with to mess with poor "Ron Swanson". [Editor's note: Patty Clarkson will be on Parks and Recreation this year.]
Nathaniel: That show is so great. Okay, Julianna Marguiles, The Good Wife or as she's known in some quarters The Wife With the Goodly Hot Husband. Thank youuuu, reaction shots.
Mark: See... look, I don't hate this dress. I don't mind that she took teardrops from an old chandelier and put them on her bosom. I find it whimsical.
Nathaniel: I just don't understand it. I keep wanting it to be really abstract and structural with the way it juts out up top like it's decolettage that wants to be a stiff collar or a Disney cliff.
Jose: I applaud the risk she took by going with Armani Privé (these people design like they're dressing up astronauts for dinner parties) but I laugh at her terrible choice, it's just too fugly. Maybe she wanted to carry on the "arrive by way of eggs" tradition established by Björk and Gaga.
Nathaniel: But see that's just my objection to it. If you're going that way, GO that way. It looks much weirder and therefore better from far away.
Mark: For me, seeing it in motion made it kind of fascinating but just staring at this picture makes me like it less.
Who's the woman in the pink and why is she wearing a mud mask?
Nathaniel: LOL. That's Paz de la Huerta who is insane.
Mark: !!! That's who that is? She's unrecognizable. And I watch Boardwalk Empire for chrissakes.
Jose: This is what happens when you take an oompa loompa out of the chocolate factory and send it to Extreme Makeover.
Nathaniel: She's been doing that weird lip thing for awhile. If it's not the chocolate factory it's those easter candies that color your mouth.
Mark: Either that or like someone who just strolled out of a nuclear meltdown. Isn't that kind of how your skin looks if it's burned by an A-bomb?
Nathaniel: I wouldn't know.
Mark: This image reminds me of how frustrating she is on the show; all affect, all the time.
Nathaniel: I don't watch the show. Every time I try I think Sopranos During Prohibition. Yawn.
Jose: Ugh no. The Sopranos rocked, this one is just "important", I watched the entire first season to see if it was about more than prestige and winning awards and no, it wasn't.
Nathaniel: Since Jose and I are in disagreement about Gwyneth Paltrow, Mark you must break the tie.
Mark: About her look or her work? Jose do you like her in general?
Nathaniel: Her look. We both like her work.
Jose: I'd like to coerce you to like this Pucci dress by suggesting that it was paying homage to this.
Mark: Ha! yes. Although I thought she was tipping her hat to Madonna's Shanti/Ashtangi period.
Nathaniel: Again I repeat. If you're going that way, GO that way. None of this half-assedness. Half-assed and midriff, no relation.
Jose: I ADORE Gwynnie. She is the only reason I subject myself to Glee and why I have gotten into so many bar fights about the 1998 Oscars.
Mark: I really like her too. I think she's talented and charming and reasonably aware of how ridiculous she can sometimes be. That said, loving someone means telling them the truth and truthfully, this outfit is bad news. If it were all one dress, then maybe, but the midriff is just awful. The top looks poorly cut to me and slices up her body in a strange way. I agree that she should have gone further here. Farther?
Nathaniel: I don't like any dresses that risk making super skinny women look like they've put on lbs because that's CLEARLY an optical illusion. Gwyneth has a great body.
Mark: Either way show me some bellybutton or cover it up altogether.
Jose: I shall go the grave defending this look, it's just perfect to me!
Mark: I hope this is not the rift that ruins our blossoming friendship, Jose.
Nathaniel: I sense trouble. "1998 OSCARS!" *runs*
Jose: lol. Let's discuss Jayma Mays before you two continue to break my heart.
Mark: Well she looks like a lamp. Or a bottle of cheap bourbon dressed as a Southern Belle.
Jose: I loved her. She looked a hundred years younger than the actually younger Glee girls. Did y'all see what Dianne Agron was wearing? Yikes.
Nathaniel: Well the younger Glee girls are always trying so hard. I think they're scared of life after Glee. But the tiers on this dress are so weird like a pepto-bismol wedding cake. And I think when you're as delicate as Jayma, something that looks flimsy, easily torn or flammable if placed over a lightbulb is not a good idea.
Mark: Has her character gotten any better on Glee? I stopped watching partway through Season 1.
Nathaniel: Let us not discuss "character" and Glee in the same sentence lest you kill my buzz for the season premiere tonight.
Mark: Fair. But has her random collection of weekly, contradictory impulses gotten any more coherent? I know the answer before I...
Nathaniel: I SAID NO. DON'T KILL MY BUZZ.
Jose: I hate Glee but I shall respect your wishes, Nat.
Nathaniel: I hate myself for loving it but love it I do. Let's move on to BEST ACTRESSES!
Mark: The Best Comedy Actresses, you mean?
Nathaniel: Same difference. Best Actress Drama doesn't count until they stop nominating Mariska Hargitay.
READ THE REST for best actress comedy, best dressed and a few men.