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Red Carpet Convos: Critics Choice Easter Eggs

Awards season is truly upon us. The red carpets are unfurled and waiting for the glitterati to trample them. Tomorrow night is the Golden Globes (we'll be here live-blogging it old' style if you'd like to join us!) but for now one last look back at the Critics Choice Awards held Thursday night. For this edition of Red Carpet Convos I've invited Joanna Robinson from Pajiba to join me. Joanna is a longtime reader of The Film Experience (she even won a contest once years ago!) and a delightful person, too. 

Nathaniel: Hey Joanna. Welcome. Let's start with the pastel field and uh... HAPPY EASTER!?!

Olsen, Pyle, Woodley, Miller, and Kruger
Joanna:  ‪As faberge as Elizabeth Olsen looks, I think she looks better than her "fashion plate" sisters have looked in years‬.
Nathaniel: ‪Give her time. If the Olsens practice hand-me-down fashions she's in trouble.‬ 
Joanna:  ‪I see burlap sacks in your future, girl!‬ Also, whoever designed Diane Kruger's dress hates both women and their anatomy.


This is Joanna! Go read her stuff.Nathaniel:  ‪Speaking of women and their anatomy. We've gone so "exotic" for this red carpet convo. I'm speaking to a biological woman.‬ 
Joanna:  ‪I have anatomy!‬ 
Nathaniel: What IS going on with that dress though. It's like her breasts are being caged in.
Joanna:  ‪And around her, um, lady garden?  Are those horns?  I am baffled.‬ 
Nathaniel:  ‪I was thinking it was a rare moment of restraint. The designer wanted to ‬‪trap her vagina in as tight as her breasts but decided to go "subtle"‬ 


Joanna:  ‪Speaking of subtlety, I actually think Missi Pyle looks lovely.  Really sweet.‬
Nathaniel: Agreed. Though sweet, lovely, and subtle aren't the adjectives I normally think of with Missi for which I entirely blame her for being so convincing and hilarious as a crude perpetually drunk and horny partier in Spring Breakdown. Tell me you've seen it!
Joanna:  ‪I haven't!  But her larger than life performances in Dodgeball and Big Fish are enough to make me a Pyle fan.  And her Lina Lamont impression in The Artist was perfection.‬ 



Nathaniel: Yes. I almost wanted there to be sound just so she could say "I CAINNNNNNtSTANNIT."‬



Joanna:  ‪EXACTLY!‬That being said, when did Penelope Ann Miller start gunning for Helen Mirren's "hot grandma" title? Say it ain't so, Betty Lou! 
Nathaniel:  ‪Thursday night, I guess. I met her just recently and she was blond and 40something looking in a lovely simple blue dress. And suddenly she's gone silver fox.‬
Joanna:  ‪Honestly? I think she looks incredible. Helen Mirren must be quaking in her stylish yet affordable stripper heels.‬ 
Nathaniel:  ‪Hmmm. I do love the dress. But I'm going to go out on a limb and say that silver hair only works if you're a 20something popstar, a 60something GILF or Tilda Swinton at any age (though she's black to plain old blonde now)‬ 
Joanna: Tilda Swinton can pull off any accessory.  Including Charlize Theron.
Evan, Tilda Theron / Charlize Swinton, Kiki, Michelle, Judy Greer


Joanna: I know you photoshopped them together, but how delicious sapphic do Tilda and Charlize look?  They would make the best Hollywood power couple.‬
Nathaniel:  ‪I did not actually photoshop them together. They were hanging on each other just like so.‬ No sapphic projections. Just reality! 
Joanna:  ‪Yes!  Let's start this rumor!‬
Nathaniel: ‪I don't know if the world could handle that much GODDESS, alien and human, at the same time.‬
Joanna:  ‪Evan Rachel Wood is raising her eyebrow as if to say, "No, mortals, you are not ready."‬ 
Nathaniel: That's just her face. It seems to be frozen now in a perpetual "come hither" dare. "You think you can handle this?" This lineup is depressing me, though. It's crazy how the little black dress is such a must for wardrobe but black, which can be so elegant, is always disappointing at awards shows when there's a sea of it.
Okay so Joanna. As someone with lady parts which of the looks so far would you actually wear?
Joanna:  ‪As an expert in the field of lady parts, I would have to pick Ms. Woods.  I love the freshness of Pyle's dress. But you can see that her rack is being pinched to all hell.  Evan looks beautiful, comfortable and it frames her silhouette nicely.  I might have picked a different color.  (As you say, black is drab.)  But that doesn't jive so well with Evan's Elvira Queen of The Night persona.‬
Also I think everyone loves Michelle Williams' wrap dress, but, to me, it looks like she forgot she was already wearing something long and black and threw something white over it.  Like a fancy, satiny, bathrobe over a ball gown.‬
Nathaniel: Yes. I don't like. There's something that's always very too contained about Michelle on the red carpet. I don't want to say "safe" exactly but something conservative even when she's wearing brighter colors. I'd love to see her show up in something that's just kind of wild. Would it have exciting frisson with her somewhat demure star persona?‬
Joanna:  ‪Shape that short hair into a mohawk, lady!  Do it for Nathaniel!‬
Nathaniel, as a man, with man parts, which of these looks would YOU consider wearing? 
Nathaniel: LOL.
Joanna:  ‪(I'd advise against  Shailene Woodley's dress.  That thing is being held up by hope, and hope alone.)
Nathaniel:  ‪I look absolutely terrible in yellow so Olsen & Diane are out. Tildas would be the too safe Androgyny R Us choice, so I'd go with Penelope Anne Miller's because it could be kind of a glam rock genderfuck moment.‬ VELVET SILVERMINE‬! (or is it VELVET CHAMPAGNEMINE! Metallic colors confuse me.)
Joanna:  ‪YES!  Grab a passing Ewan McGregor and make the night your own.‬ 
Nathaniel: I promise to actually do it at the next awards show if Toni Collette or Jonathan Rhys Meyers will be my date. ‬OMG we're running out of time. I know you need to go and I'm picturing you losing a glass slipper as you run for the door.
Joanna:  ‪I'm going to hang around a little bit!  Because there is no way I don't get to talk about my crush on Jean Dujardin‬
Nathaniel:  ‪okay then we'll head straight towards the man parts.‬ 
Joanna:  ‪Beeline for the man parts!‬
Jeremy Irvine, Paul Rudd, Bérénice Bejo, Jean Dujardin, Brad Pitt and Cane.


Joanna: How PERFECT does Dujardin look? 
Nathaniel:  ‪Quite.‬ 
Joanna:  ‪I mean you sammiched him between (the admittedly hobbled) Crown Prince of Hollywood and the ever dapper Paul Rudd.  And he STILL wins.‬ 
Nathaniel:  ‪True but all of these men are so attractive they kind of destroy the curve for everyone else. I'm going to say that maybe Paul Rudd's tux is a smidge too big on him?‬ 
Joanna:  ‪Yes, look to the ankles!  Bag City.‬ (And, for the record, Bérénice Bejo looks scrumptious.  Just perfect.  So very Peppy.)
Nathaniel: FTR When I met her recently (gag. name dropping!) she did the Peppy wink while we were talking complete with jutted out elbow and it kind of startled me without the distance of the movie screen and the safety of black and white.
Joanna:  ‪Ew you disgust me with your name dropping of only slightly well-known French actresses.  You fiend.‬ 
Nathaniel: I am filled with glittery shame. ‬I still haven't heard what's going on with Brad Pitt's cane... but I love it because it adds a sort of wounded bird endearment, like when his arm was in the sling throughout Se7en. He's like my favorite thing on two legs plus.
Joanna:  ‪I've heard CONFLICTING rumors.‬  But most of them involve him throwing himself on the ground to save one of the blessed Jolie-Pitt babies.‬ Possibly the Tomboy one. 
Nathaniel: Save them from what, though?‬ Never mind. It's not important. The cane is wonderful. Especially paired with his alarming long-haired youthfulness. 
Joanna:  ‪A Yeti? ‬The threat, not his hair.
Also, quickly, before I have to motor... Jessica Chastain, you beautiful tempestuous beauty, why are you hiding your light under a pink sack?  I know you've met her as well.  Can you tell your BFF that she needs to not a) wear pink b) wear a sack c) wear her hair so tight.Tell her that for me, mkay? 
Viola, Jessica, Emma, Allison, Cicely, Ahna, and Octavia


Nathaniel: It's hard to tell that one anything. One sentence can't pass before she's signed a new contract or teleported to a new set. Blink and she's gone. ‬It's possible that this was not the actual Jessica but a hologram. Thanks for playing along.
Joanna: Thanks for having me Nathaniel.
Nathaniel: Before you go, which of Team Help's dresses would you wear? 
Joanna:  ‪Oh, Allison Janney's.  Not a single question.‬ With apologies to the usually fierce Viola, how magnificent does Janney look? 
Nathaniel: ‪Wondrous. But I think you could pull of Cicely's hat. I really do.
‬Joanna:  Love that hat! Only Cicely. ‪Hopefully my breasts and I were of some help to you today.‬
Nathaniel: Both of them!
Joanna: ‪That's sweet of you to say, but I feel like the right one did most of the heavy lifting.  Okay!  With that disturbing image.  I am away!‬ 


Who gets your vote for best and worst dressed at the Critics Choice?
Which of these looks could you pull off?
Join the conversation in the comments! 

[P.S. Follow Nathaniel and Joanna on Twitter!] 

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Reader Comments (20)

Yay, Joanna. Fun to hear a new voice in the feature, and great commentary.

January 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterNick Davis

I saw an interview with Elizabeth Olsen on that red carpet. SHE IS STUNNING, oh my goodness. And so, so cool. I hope she's an Oscar nominee one day. Sad that her awesome performance this year got looked over.

And I'm sorry, but I watched an interview with Shaliene Woodley on that red carpet too...and maybe it's because I just watched Octavia's, Jessica Chastain's, and Elizabeth's, but Shaleine is SO basic looking. Lord have mercy. I actually think she looked prettier in the scene from The Descendants where she's crying. That's saying something, lol.

January 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterPhilip

Philip -- well she's very young still. Maybe her beauty will become more distinct. Isn't the canonical age of beauty something like 28? when people look fully like themselves and how everyone will always remember them?

Nick -- i know. I was so pleased she wanted to do it. Thanks Joanna.

Everyone -- if you've all suddenly lost interest in what people wear to awards shows, the earth is doomed!

January 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterNathaniel R

Allison Janney looks so huge among them like “Come here y’all, I’ll breastfeed you.”
Everytime I see Jeremy Irvine, I have this urge like I wanna kidnap him and go over to the countryside.
Why didn’t you include Keira Knightley with Carey Mulligan? Two ladies that make my life complete (with Michelle Williams).
I also saw a pic of Claire Danes talking with Leo (reminiscing Romeo + Juliet) and I was wondering what people would say if you put it for captioning contest.

January 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMikhael

OK you and Joanna need your own Fashion Police type talk show. I for one would watch that.

I always think Tilda is the best put together. She obviously picks the clothes herself, knows what suits her and doesn't give a shit about anyone else. That will always beat having a stylist any day.

January 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAdrian

No message of the beautiful Jeremy Irvine?

January 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJohn T

I really hope Melissa Leo didn't stole Brad's cane. I know. That joke is so a last year...

Best: Charlize
Worst: The entire pastel line-up

January 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterPeggy Sue

I just want to say I saw The Iron Lady today. I went in with low expectations based on not-so-great reviews. I have to say the movie far, far exceeded my expectations. I don't get the hate from the critics other than maybe Thatcher politics, or maybe Lloyd haters. Meryl Streep is absolutely astounding in this film. She totally blew me away and I would rank this performance as one of Streep's top 5 performances of all time. Totally transformative. The audience applauded at the end of the film. If she doesn't win the Oscar for this performance I fear she may never win again. What exactly does this woman have to do to win another Oscar?

January 14, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterbrandz

Mikhael -- i didn't see photos of them in the site i use for pics (zimbio) or I might have included them. Perhaps they skipped the red carpet?

January 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterNathaniel R

I enjoyed the hell out of this! There is little I love more than outfit critiques sprinkled with gossip and references to super-expensive, sparkly eggs!

Also, I defy someone to find a time where Allison Janney has NOT looked completely amazing. Talk about gunning for Mirren's crown - she'll still be smoking hot in fifteen years.

January 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterVikky

My LORD. I had no idea that Dujardin was so dashing!

January 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJulie

I saw The Artist today. Now I am a huge fan of the leads. Great to see them looking their best here.

January 14, 2012 | Unregistered Commentertimothy

I don't think I'll ever lose interest in what people wear to award shows. Especially when we get to read hilarious commentary like this afterward!

Take the bows off of Dunst's dress, swap the color for Bejo's, and I would wear it. (I'm so high maintenance!) And I'd accessorize with Jean Dujardin on my arm.

January 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMelBivDevoe

Why would Pacey let his woman out of the house in that thing?!

January 14, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterferamones

You know what the red carpet needs? More men like Samuel L. Jackson. Look at that almost entire sea of black up there! We need more men willing to bust out the purple suit. Of course, it's a rare man who can carry that look off. But you know what I mean. At least have some fun with your ties, gentlemen!

And Joanna, I had the same thought looking at Ms. Krueger. "What is happening to her poor bososms?!? Why would you do that to them?"

Also? How can anyone not love The Swinton? She seems like she would be a blast to hang out with. Especially if there are drinks involved.

January 14, 2012 | Unregistered Commentertamatha

I agree with Adrian, I would watch that show and it would be waaaaay better than the Joan Rivers thing.

And really, somebody needed to bring up the ridiculousness of Diane Kruger and her bits in that dress.

January 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKatie

"Helen Mirren must be quaking in her stylish yet affordable stripper heels.‬"

Eeeee for the Buffy ref!

And I have to say, I love (LOVE) the colors of Ms. Kruger's dress, but not the thing that's happening in the bust, for suresies. Also, I think Kiki looks lovely in her black frock, as does Judy Greer (though it could stand to be a bit shorter so as not to make her look quite so stumpy).

Anyway, love this whole convo!

January 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterPeff Peffington

Feramones -- Pacey is never to be trusted!

Peff -- I always welcome Buffy references

katie & adrian -- anytime Joanna is ready to join me and a network offers, I'M A GO! I'll even wear Miller's dress for the pilot.

January 14, 2012 | Registered CommenterNATHANIEL R

He got two nominations, but Gosling will be skipping the Globes, according to People. This may be his last year getting nom'd, me thinks..

January 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBia

Nat, at the risk of sounding sexist (in reverse?) that was the most fun and readable (for me anyway) red carpet convo in a long time. Maybe ever. "lady parts" love it. We've needed a "female perspective here", thank you for obliging.

Will there be one of these for the globes?

I completely agree with the vote for Janney, She's gorgeous and owning that gown in a way that no mere mortal could. BTW - when I was scrolling down I saw that first photo and thought "Nat got Kate Winslet to do a red carpet convo"? I'm not kidding. Joanna - this was a delightful read, and if I thought you'd be receptive to it I would definitely be hitting on you Possibly proposing marriage. Alas....

January 16, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJanice
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