It's all over but for the Oscars finding their place in the expansive homes of the winners: night stand treasure? fireplace mantle trophy? foyer bragging spot? bathroom door stopper? personal office knick knack? - Just a little something to brighten the room. Or each room if you're Robert Richardson or Meryl Streep. Oh and the fashion. We haven't discussed the fashion yet.
NATHANIEL: Welcome back to the red carpet lineup, Kurt, Jose and readers. I type this with my eyes half open. It's been a long season. I actually feel like someone's train, just dragging along the ground. Though with less grace.
Carry me with you Penelope!
JOSE: You need to smoke/drink/inhale whatever Jean Dujardin's been on since November
KURT: My guess is it was that toddlers and tiaras concoction.
Nathaniel: Ohhhh Dujardin. If I could tap dance to revive my flailing career, I would
Jose: just teach Monty a few tricks, grow a 'stache and you're set! If not you can ask Super Gwynnie to help you. Yay super Gwynnie!
Kurt: Paltrow gets my Best Dressed in a walk. and did she ever walk. I'm just in love with super gwynnie. Damn those cape haters!
Nathaniel: Quoth Edna "NO CAPES!"
Nathaniel: I was trying to think of a superhero name for her but all I came up with was "Goop Girl. Able to leap the Atlantic in a single bound."
Jose: ugh I am so happy that we all agree on Gwyn for once, I always stick up for her, even when she does crazy ass stuff
Kurt: And this is so the year of the bracelet.
Jose: Lynda Carter must be pissed they're stealing her decades old thunder.
Nathaniel: Big wrist-hiders. Somewhere Natalie Wood is smiling down from heaven.
Speaking of old movie stars, Penelope Cruz was going for Grace Kelly I think with the hair but I kind of hated it (nice dress though)
Kurt: yeah i yawn at penelope this year. next.
Jose: I thought she was absolutely perfect! The color in that Armani privé was to die for
Nathaniel: I am experiencing a split decision with Sandra. I remember during the ceremony thinking it was beautiful but then seeing it in still photos it looks odd and unflattering. It's rather like enjoying her Oscar speech versus having to live with her as an Oscar Winner.
Kurt: Agreed. Not so great in still form.
Jose: it looks like she's being pulled by creepy icy claws
Kurt: or crabs
Kurt: it's a crystaly homage to her ex-hubbie's tattoos
Jose: or his crabs, literally
Kurt: hahaha. And Penelope is fine, really. Just kind of a bore -- especially for someone who's worn one of the greatest oscar dresses in history
Jose: the creamy Versace or the white Balmain?
Kurt: the one with the feathers that ellen almost vacuumed up
Nathaniel: Hee. Only Jose knows the dresses by all of their designer names. Kurt and I just know them by color, texture, detail. "The one with the ____ in _____." Let's move on to Natalie in red. On Oscar night I was like "Are those polka dots?!?" and I said it really loudly spontaneously like I was offended and I have no idea why. I must have been on a hair trigger that night. Was the night odd for you two?
Kurt: the night was odd. and i get your impulse about the polkas, but i actually think this look was lovely
Jose: I had nothing against the dots but i resented Natalie for not doing anything more exciting, especially after her baby bump made all her dresses so boring last year
Nathaniel: Jose did you have an odd night? were you calm? excited?
Jose: and drunkER when Meryl won
Kurt: oh! Let's just...wait to talk about that
Nathaniel: Or let's not.
Jose: my friends and I were doing a drinking game, and had a shot every time Clooney's GF popped up
Kurt: SHE looked great
Jose: and she was onscreen every other minute, so we got hammered in 2 secs
Nathaniel: I did not include her because she is not a famous actress and I am offended that we are talking about her. The E! people were all like "she looks like a statue, a perfect trophy girlfriend" and they said it without any irony which made me nauseous.
Kurt: E! lives to make me nauseous
Jose: hahaha she DID dress up like an Oscar, which I thought was nice of her since George was going to lose
Nathaniel: STOP IT. WE SPEAK NO MORE OF THE NOBODIES. She'll be replaced by the 2013 model at any second. Clooney trades them in.
Angie's leg makes me deliriously happy. I love her so much. I wish she'd make some kick ass movies (not necessarily ones involving her kicking ass)
Kurt: The Leg is only my new favorite thing in the entire world. What WAS she doing?? It's just too much worship/comedy/insanity for me to process.
Jose: I'm over the leg., I must've been the only one who wanted to see Jim Rash's leg instead (he's SO my type)
Kurt: I'd ask why, but I like leaving that one hanging there. I don't even know what he looks like but he's getting an immediate post-chat google
Nathaniel: Um. you saw him on sunday night, doing angelina's pose.
Kurt: oh i know..but i dont remember
Nathaniel: ANYWAY. I did the photo sets in groups of 5 like Oscar categories. So we must conclude with who you'd vote for and who you'd snub from this shortlist.
Kurt: ok. Vote: Super Gwynnie. Snub: Sandra
Jose: 1. Vote: Gwynnie Snub: Angie (sorry, leg...)
Nathaniel: Vote: The Leg. (Sorry Goop Girl, close second.) Snub: Penelope. I vote Angie's leg. Snub: Penelope.
Kurt: Yaya! Hugs to you for voting Leg!
Nathaniel: If only I could hug the leg.
Jose: When Uggie's done with it
Kurt: oh thats funny i didn't come armed with enough leg chokes *jokes! hows that for freudian?
Nathaniel: Oh Uggie. He was supposed to retire and then they forced him on stage again. Poor thing.
Speaking of retiring. I have to get BEST ACTRESS out of the way because I MUST be done with it. I must move on.
Kurt: oh hell, i'll start. i have to say viola needs to cool it with the boobage. let those babies breathe. you already taped them down at the NAACPs. they just look so...crammed. otherwise shes stunning
Nathaniel: I have to admit that after my initial excitement wore off post red carpet arrivals, that I didn't truly love any of these looks... though I think this is the best version of The Thing Glenn Has Been Wearing All Season.
Jose: I loved Rooney but she and Glenn have been wearing the same thing all season long.
Kurt: i think rooney is beautiful but i hate this look. and i still can't believe shes an oscar nominee for that performance (but we neednt discuss that)
Nathaniel: Wasn't that clip a trip? they chose the anal rape revenge scene!
Nathaniel: I kind of wish Oscar had been frisky cheeky and had asked Rooney & Noomi to present together. P.S. Jose your post on the Two Lisbeths was super popular. well done.
Jose: thanks! I was super happy to do it, I must've been the only one who actually wanted Rooney to win but you two will kick me out if I insist on it.
Nathaniel: well, f you're going to show anal rape torture scenes as Oscar clips all bets should be off.
Jose: the Goyas had full frontal clips, Oscar needs those ASAP
Kurt: that was about the only unsafe move of the evening.
Nathaniel: so my vote is Glenn. And my snub is Meryl because the gold is so shiny and too tackybrite. even though i like the shape on her. and it's very Meryl.
Jose: I really really really loved Meryl's Lanvin. Vote: Meryl (and I NEVER thought she'd be best dressed in ANY group) Snub: Viola (too butch and Dennis Rodman-y for my taste)
Kurt: Can i please just have a Meryl Moment?
Nathaniel: as opposed to...the other 364 days of the year?
Kurt: Stop! I am soooo excited that she won. Like, geeking out excited. no irony, no jokes, i was elated.
i did feel kinda bad for viola afterward, but it was such a great, surreal moment for me
Jose: *whispers * me too!
Nathaniel: WOW, WILL YOU LOOK AT WHAT MICHELLE IS WEARING? I'LL SAY.
Jose: LOL except for that pepto-bismol colored clutch, Michelle was lovely
Kurt: I don't like this. However, what she wore to the indie spirits is one of my favorite looks of the whole season
Jose: It's super cute. like "Albert Nobbs" meets "The Red Balloon"
Jose: I kinda wished she tore the longer half down at some point and went for a sluttier look
Nathaniel: I have been obsessed with thinking about what Michelle Williams would have been like in The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo ever since Nick was talking it up. Obsessed.
Nathaniel: I really think Michelle needs to do something really edgy/sexual. (and no I don't count the "nc-17" (lol) blue valentine as edgysexual however brilliant it is.
Jose: does that mean that Rooney would've played Marilyn?
Jose: lol just asking
Kurt: i guess we should move along. Vote: Meryl. Snub: Michelle or, no, I guess Snub: Rooney. You can't do funeral/wedding at the Oscars.
Jose: unless you're Tim Burton and Helena Bonham-Carter.
Nathaniel: I don't know. there are an awful lot of people who don't get to catch the bouquet at these things and the bouquet. Funeral wedding sounds just about right.
You know you have the fatigue when you can't even stay awake to talk about Oscar fashions. Let's call it a night but first give me a vote/snub for anyone else from sunday night that we should have discussed had we had the time and the red bull.
Jose: Vote: Jessica Chastain (that McQueen was GEE-NI-US) Snub: J. Lo's strange prom dress from space
Kurt: Vote: Cameron Diaz, who usually looks afright but looked great. Snub: Shailene Woodley, who's...a radiator cover? Vote: Milla Jovovich, who still looked classy despite plugging resident evil. Vote: Octavia Spencer, who's done aces for her body shape all season. Snub: J.Lo, who nodded to The Cell.
Nathaniel: The Cell, I shall now retire to mine (Padded). the Oscars broke my brain.
Jose: sweet dreams!
Kurt: Thanks guys.
Your turn, readers. Sound off if you're still awake for these last gasps of Oscar night.
- Do you have a better superhero name for Gwynnie than Goop Girl?
- Yay or Nay on Rooney & Glenn's ever so slight variations on signature looks?
- Was Chastain's McQueen genius?
- Does Michelle Williams need to shake it up?
- Oscar is a Funeral Wedding. Can I get an amen?