In Red Carpet Convos, we discuss what the actresses are wearing. Which is really an elaborate excuse (not that we need another) to talk actresses. Today's returning guest is Courtney Enlow Hall from Pajiba.
NATHANIEL: Hi Courtney! Welcome back to Red Carpet Convos. This time I will try not to ask you to draw any pigs dressed as Janell Monae.
NATHANIEL: This week the celebs came out for the annual MET GALA and the theme was "Punk". Because The Met is SO counter-culture, you know.
COURTNEY: The Met is punk as fuck, Ryan Adams-style.
NATHANIEL: Actually maybe it is rebellious to go to a museum instead of sitting at home watching reality tv. I rescind my comment. The interesting thing to me about the looks we're about to see is it seems like only some actresses have any working knowledge of what "punk" is. Let's start with Ginnifer Goodwin. I think she gets it.
Or at least her eye makeup does...
"my so-called punk", weeping ex-boyfriends, and eyeliner mantras after the jump
COURTNEY: You know, people really turned on her for her eye makeup, but I really liked it. I don't like her face, as a rule. She tries too hard to be serious and smoldering for a human princess guinea pig, but her eye makeup, hair and dress were working for me. (I don't mean I don't like her face in general. It's a lovely face, pleasing to the eye. But her expressions are awfully intense for someone who dated Chris Klein.)
NATHANIEL: She dated Chris Kl--- never mind I dont want to think about that. As for Ginny's face, I think she's leaning hard into whatever rough edge she can muster since headlining a family tv series is so square.
COURTNEY: It's the kind of punk harshness that can only come from starring in He's Just Not That Into You.
NATHANIEL: Exactly. Do you like JLo's dress? I am so into its cobblestone realness.
COURTNEY: You know, when there was only one set of spotty footprints on her dress, that's when she was carrying you.
NATHANIEL: Ha. Cameron Diaz could also carry me ... albeit in a superhero kind of way. I was just going to say that this missses the mark entirely but then I notice that there is a spiky belt in case you got the wrong idea and tried to move in for girlfriend hugs.
COURTNEY: I think she knew Jessica Biel would be there and wanted to Black Swan her in the gut if she tried to get close.
NATHANIEL: Fighting over boy band hotties is so punk rock.
COURTNEY: You know, I thought Diaz was just wearing a cape, but now that I'm looking more closely, it's a poncho cape. PONCHO CAPE. The uniform of choice for SUPER JOHNNY DEPP.
NATHANIEL: I mislabelled the photo. This *is* Johnny Depp as Quirky Character #312.
COURTNEY: He's a true chameleon.
NATHANIEL: Claire Danes. [sigh] Rayanne Graff would be so disappointed.
COURTNEY: Somewhere even Brian Krakow is giving her the sideeye.
NATHANIEL: Rayanne didn't rescue her from high school conformity just for her to become a generic red carpet blonde hottie. She is not even trying!
COURTNEY: This is some mother-daughter fashion show with mama Patty nonsense. It's fine for the Emmys or the Oscars or the Other Awards I Don't Feel Like Remembering Names Of, but not THIS. It's shapeless and crinkly. The opposite of Sharon Cherski.
The general theme of the evening seems to be "EYELINER COUNTS AS TRYING." Which is actually my daily mantra, too. Don't feel like actually attempting to look cute? EYELINER COUNTS AS TRYING.
NATHANIEL: I wish I could steal your mantra but I am a) too old for guyliner and b) not Ewan MacGregor.
COURTNEY: As I look more closely, you know what Claire's dress looks like? Those metal magnet thingies they have at Sharper Image, where you put your face against the metal magnet thingie box and it makes a metal magnet thingie imprint of your face. There's a slight hint of body, but it seems accidental and weird.
NATHANIEL: Perfect descrip'. I was going to say that Kerry Washington wasn't trying either but that was me suddenly getting lazy-eyed. She's got rubber gloves AND purple hair (though you can't see the purple in this photo. my bad).
COURTNEY: Her hair is not trying. Her hair never tries. But everything else is at least kind of attempting something. PLUS she fits in nicely with our theme of decidedly un-punk exes, because she used to be engaged to one of the Newsies. She let him open the gates and seize the day, if you know what I'm saying. (I do not know what I am saying)
NATHANIEL: David Moscow. I remember him well. Because I have a problem with musicals. Do you think he weeps every time he sees Kerry now?
COURTNEY: Definitely. Also, Batman movies.
NATHANIEL: Let's move on to the photo set I like to call 'Too Young To Not View Punk The Way 80s Kids Viewed the 50s Through Grease" just to date myself and also because it's true.
That said, I suppose you could say that Kristen Stewart is punk because she doesn't give a shit ever. And will stare you down.
COURTNEY: Kristen Stewart looks like an alien from the planet Ugly Fucking Pajamas.
NATHANIEL: "You wanna sleep over, earthling? Fuck You!"
COURTNEY: She doesn't care, but she's not important enough to know care, you know? You don't get to be Bella Swan AND not care as much as she doesn't care.
NATHANIEL: On to her polar opposite. I have a musicals problem and an Anne Hathaway problem and they collided last Christmas and ruined me forever. I may never recover. I love her more than ever just as everyone else is over her. I am counter-culture. So naturally she's my favorite here. The blonde is so wrong. And thus fierce on her for this event. Though I would like to note that the sleeves are less rock-n-roll and more Vegas Showgirl.
COURTNEY: She went with the hair of The Swinton and the sleeves of The Cher Horowitz, and I love it all. Michelle Williams, on the other hand? I SEETHE.
NATHANIEL: Messy hair does not count.
COURTNEY: Everything she is wearing could have been purchased at Deb circa 1998 and I DO NOT mean that in the good way, I mean that in the terrible way.
NATHANIEL: She's carrying one of those book purses -- are those still on trend? I can't read the title but it looks like "Crass Autopsy" to me which is not something that I can say I've heard of or would like to try.
COURTNEY: It just looks like she's carrying a book. Like she might get bored. And she might, so it's not a bad strategy. Things get dull, dive into some Crass Autopsy.
NATHANIEL: I would actually love it if a starlet decided to finish a chapter on the red carpet instead of talking to the press. SHUT UP, THIS IS GETTING GOOD. But the only young starlet who doesn't give a shit enough to do that is Kristen Stewart and I suspect she doesn't, you know, read.
COURTNEY: She's read SO many books. Like, all of them. "Give me an example, Kristen." "That one by Emerson? It, like, really spoke to me." "Which one?" "All of them, you know, like all of it."
NATHANIEL: Do books on tape count? I never thought I would ever ever ever ever ever post a photo of Miley Cyrus on my blog but I appreciate that she went full costumey with it. She's way too young to know it so she's Halloweening it and I can respect that. Spiky hair!
COURTNEY: I LIKE HER NOW. I didn't think I'd get to that point in my life, but here I am. Above the neck, she's serving Lori Petty, and if you cut her dress off at the navel, it would be every top worn by Alyssa Milano in "Fear" which I really respect. Okay, who IS that girl on the end there? Because she's trying to steal my soul.
NATHANIEL: Felicity Jones Dronezzz. She makes me very sleepy.
COURTNEY: OH. HER. Okay. *nods off*
NATHANIEL: Okay, final lineup. This is a hodgepodge of people old enough to get punk, people who don't care enough to get it, and people who will never get it and probably aren't aware that there's anything to get. Guess who is who.
COURTNEY: Okay, first off, Jennifer Lawrence is a flawless person and I'm fine with everything she does. Including this. IT'S FINE. * pets Katniss doll *
NATHANIEL: The veil is in mourning for Emmanuelle Riva's Oscar dreams. Can we talk about Marion Cotillard? I think she mistook Punk for "Assymetry" or just "The 1980s!!!"
COURTNEY: I had previously only seen Marion from the side, and now that I see the shoes plus the color on the underside of the dress, I like it a little more. A LITTLE. The hair is bad news though. No one understood the hair situation except Madonna and Miley.
NATHANIEL: Amen. Kerry's pink hairspray would have understood if she's committed to it and shaved it off for a mohawk.
COURTNEY: I can't even talk about Katie Holmes.
NATHANIEL: I can't either -- I included her only to have a representative of the "people who will never get it and aren't aware there's anything to get" so let's move on to the greatest celebrity on the planet. Madonna has always been my hero and I hope she outlives me and continues to torture future generations with her fuck you fabulousity. The fact that people have wanted her to go away since 1984 and she WON'T ALL CAPS UNDERLINE is more punk rock than any of these other bitches could ever muster. (*pets Madonna doll*... and actually has one)
COURTNEY: Madonna won. The day is hers.
NATHANIEL: Finally. Please explain Gwyneth to me.
COURTNEY: I...I...I...I don't even.
COURTNEY: The fresh-faced makeup of a Noxema model.
NATHANIEL: I really wish that GOOP was a cosmetics line instead of a newsletter.
COURTNEY: It would cost my entire annual salary. And be referred to as "everyday affordable!" I keep staring at the Nothingness Stripe of Invisibility. And...I hate it? But I also don't understand? I have so many questions? My mental voice is raising up at the end of every sentence? Because she's broken me?
NATHANIEL: True story. I subscribe to GOOP and I never actually open the newsletter. Somehow it makes me feel closer to Gwyneth since I don't think she reads it either.
Previously on last year's 3 part Season Finale of Red Carpet Lineups
Oscars Actresses - 'Pink Puppy Purse' (February 2013)
Oscar's Men - 'Aaron Tveit Yourself!' (February 2013)
Oscar Finale. Goodbye Glamour (February 2013)