NATHANIEL: Welcome to the Film Experience, Courtney. Since you're a brand new to many readers (unless they're smart enough to read Pajiba!) it's confession time. I wore a Les Miz tee to the Oscars last night but before we dive into what the Best Supporting Actresses were wearing, tell us: what were you wearing last night?!
COURTNEY: Hello, sir! I was looking superb - a vision in flannel, baby vomit elegantly adorning my jeans.
NATHANIEL: Beautiful. Do you hate it when they ask the nominees if their child picked their dress for them? I heard it first with Reese Witherspoon last night but you hear it all the time.
COURTNEY: I hate the question, and I hate the answers. If children ever actually picked out Oscar gowns, however, that is a ceremony I'd watch. Picture it. It would be some sparkly nonsense and I'd love it.
Maybe Hugh Jackman would have shown up dressed as Batman. SEE? Automatically a better ceremony.
NATHANIEL: Definitely less matchy-matchy and "on trend" I'll give you that. Rainbow would be the new black. Okay....
SUPPORTING ACTRESS. Anne Hathaway's 'darts' were the talk of twitter last night but there's more than just pointy boobs to discuss.
Anne's halter, Helen's wrinkles, and so-phis-ti-cat-ed Best Actresses after the jump...
COURTNEY: To me, more than braless, or perhaps aided by all the bralessness, she just looked very '90s. Like a "Melrose Place" cast member presenting at the Cable Ace Awards. Likf if you held your ear to her dress, you'd hear the sweet sounds of Mazzy Star.
NATHANIEL: lol. She wasn't even famous in the '90s so that's so vintage!
COURTNEY: Very "How very". I think it was the halter-type top. Halters make everything '90s-er. Halters and long haired blond men and the Oscars gave us that in abundance.
NATHANIEL: I can't even. I thought last year's cinematography winner Robert Richardson was trying to steal this year's cinematography winner Claudio Miranda's Oscar for a second. And then I thought they had both bum-rushed the stage to accept the Sound Oscars. Onlythat was different people. So many vikings!
COURTNEY: It was a veritable Lucius Malfoy Convention.
NATHANIEL: While we're on the topic of hair, I'm not sure it's working for any of them - maybe Jacki Weaver though I get this real "Dynasty" feel from her ensemble (I'll raise your "Melrose Place") minus the shoulder pads. Hair. Hathaway is surely eager to have hers back but it's a small price to pay for an Oscar.
COURTNEY: Okay, Jacki Weaver's hair was out of control. Hers and Melissa McCarthy's could have done battle. Hathaway's, however, I'm actually liking. It's gotten cute at last. That said, it officially turned her into Tinkersparkle, the Annoying Fairy, so I'm not sure it's a look I want to go for. Seems dangerous.
NATHANIEL: I'm feeling for Helen Hunt. No matter how hard I iron my shirts in the winter after throwing on the jackets and coats and whatnot, I show up to looking like I slept in it Don't they have steamers in those limos, though?
COURTNEY: They need to invent lie-down limos for events like this. Just load them in on stretchers, then stand them up like Hannibal Lecter when they arrive. NO WRINKLES. But I love that her dress was from H&M. Like, maybe she picked up a new collarless blazer while she was there, or a shirt with a balloon on it. Stars are just like us, you know.
NATHANIEL: Helen Hunt is so above it. Which is oddly endearing if you can get past the ingratitude for a lofty position in life. Like my friend Nick tweeted:
I mean, I'm ready. I'll go. It's not the most important thing I'll do this week! And it's not like I don't already have one. #BeingHelenHunt
COURTNEY: Yeah, she's like Charlize Theron. They just don't care. But in a classy way. Not like that gutter rat KStew.
NATHANIEL: My theory is that she was wearing crutches from the sheer crippling weight of her mega-celebrity of which SHE IS AN UNWILLING VICTIM
COURTNEY: HOW is anyone too cool to use crutches on stage. As though it looks way cooler to hop around like Amy Poehler in the "and I'm rockin' one leg" sketches. Also, her arms had random bruises on them that no one put makeup on, no doubt caused by how much it hurts to be her and be SO MISUNDERSTOOD.
NATHANIEL: Some people bruise easily. Back off. Her life is incredibly DIFFICULT.
Okay. You're due at the Oscars in 5 minutes. Which one of these gowns would you wear if they were your only five choices.
COURTNEY: Amy Adams, because it would double as the comfiest makeshift I-fell-down-at-the-Vanity-Fair-party-I-think-I'll-just-stay-here bed.
NATHANIEL: Ha! If you squint your eyes alot both Field & Amy's dresses could double as like feather dusters or mops. I would have to choose Jacki Weaver's because it's the most drag queen like. Though I bet you anything Florence Welch has already called Sally Field and asked if she could borrow hers.
COURTNEY: Before you even begin, I just have three words: princess. puppy. purse. Which, incidentally, would be my drag queen name.
NATHANIEL: I love you. We just met but I would totally interrupt your lipsynch to hand you wads of cash tips.
COURTNEY: That is the highest praise I've ever received.
NATHANIEL: While we're still in drag, obviously Naomi Watt's Judy Jetson look will be the favorite of that set but I'd totally have to go with Riva because I haven't been to the gym in months.
COURTNEY: Concurred, although I think Jennifer Lawrence's wins for function, because I'm fairly certain she kept a small chair in her skirt for easy seating. That's what she tripped over. True story probably.
NATHANIEL: It's so much more functional than it looks (given the tightness). I mean she totally bent over for E!s manicam to tell Emma Stone 'your ass is mine' or some such. It would have been THE most viral thing going yesterday if E! weren't so goddamn useless. The manicamwas unplugged!
And now for a moment of seriousness: I think Jessica Chastain was the best dressed of anyone last night. At the Oscars and probably all across the world too. It's just exquisite. Simple but textured enough to be interesting. They asked Quvenzhane what she thought of her competittion and she said "they're older than me. And very soph-ist-i-cat-ed" (yes she separated all the syllables) and sophisticated is exactly how I'd describe.
COURTNEY: She was the definition of Hollywood glamour last night. Like, if you asked me to draw Hollywood glamour, I'd draw a daisy and a pig because I can only draw daisies and pigs, but in my mind, I'd be trying to draw that. Everything about her was very classic and gorgeous.
NATHANIEL: You do realize that you're going to have to sketch a daisy and a pig and scan it to me or this Red Carpet Convo just won't feel complete, right?
COURTNEY: I'm right on top of that, Rose Nathaniel. Consider it done.
[FIVE MINUTES LATER]
COURTNEY: I may have oversold my pig drawing skills. So I dressed her up like Janelle Monae.
NATHANIEL: LMAO. Why is it so PINK !?!
COURTNEY: Because all I had nearby were post-its and I'm not a grownup so they're all neon.
NATHANIEL: Sasha Stone was theorizing that Liev Schrieber and Naomi Watts fucked in the limo on the way to the Oscars. Do you agree?
COURTNEY: Hm. I hadn't considered that. I mean, if I was with either one of them then I so would, but she looked so put together. But this isn't their first rodeo. I bet they have it down to a science.
NATHANIEL: Chairs aren't the only things people hide under gowns to survive these things.
I suddenly feel like I've dived right into unsophisticated Seth MacFarlane land with that line of questioning. Apologies. Let's class it up a bit for a wrap up. What does your ballot read for Best Dressed and for Best Performance You're So Glad You Saw And That It Was Nominated?
COURTNEY: My Best Dressed goes to Clooney's Beard. Because she looked really great and sparkly. ZING. Best Performance goes to my precious little angel lamb Quvenzhané because she was incredible and I want to kidnap her. ...If she gets kidnapped, though, I didn't do it