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« Magnificent Moorehead, son | Main | Halfway Pt. 4: Top Ten Movies of 2014 (Thus Far) »
Tuesday
Jul082014

My Favorite Moment in the "Exodus" Teaser

New Policy. Though The Film Experience invariably prefers teasers to full trailers on account of our spoiler aversion our Yes No Maybe So is one of our most popular features. So herewith we shall always do Yes No Maybe Sos on only the teaser for films we very much want to see and don't want spoiled and we'll just skip the trailers altogether (I am so grateful I did with Snowpiercer). Other films, we'll wait on the full trailer to do our full duty... especially those movies that were spoiled centuries ago like Exodus: Gods and Kings. 

 FYI for those of you who haven't read it, the Bible is full of spoilers. It's practically a reality TV show it's so fond of telling you what's coming up next and then what just happened recapping. [More...]

Guyliner. Will Exodus make it cool again?

All that said, I can't let the hybrid teaser/trailer traiser for Ridley Scott's Ten Commandments: Now With Colon Subtitles go by without at least a few words commentary. So without ado those few words as well as my favorite beat within the trailer's obsession with building their own Beauty vs. Beast style poll of Moses vs. Ramses: Which actor is hotter with guyliner?

 

Ridley Scott loves his epics and that's evident in so many frames of this traiser. The shot of the parting of the Red Sea alone seems like it would be catnip to big budget directors of today that wanted to udpate the original.

In fact, Ridley is such a solid director of supersized pageantry (the art direction background helps) that he's a natural descendant of Cecil B. DeMille (if not, unfortunately, Cecil B Demented). I guess we shouldn't mind that he felt the need to remake The Ten Commandments which obviously didn't need to be remade because it is one of the all time great pageant camp fests. That said I so wish he'd turn his inner maniacal P.T. Barnum onto worthier and less dusty circuses like the aliens franchise (I liked Prometheus. #sorryboutit) since that one only dates back to 1979 and not 1600-1200ish B.C.E. 

Anyway, the opening dialogue isn't exactly poetry...

You say that you didn't cause all this. You say this is not your fault. So let's just see who is more effective at killing: you or me.

(Followed by shots of Moses & Ramses as playful sword-crossing friends during their youth)

Translation: 'My dick is bigger than your dick and we haven't compared them in ages.'

I love* it when big spectacle movies with a shit ton of things going on like The Ten Commandments (which manages to work in melodrama, soapy romance, theatrical spirituality, and burning bushes of both literal and figurative variety (Anne Baxter, Holla!) are reduced to generic macho throwdowns.

Speaking of which here comes my favorite moment in the traiser: COCK-BLOCKING! 

What truly makes the scene and gives me hope for an unintentional camp fest par excellence is the dead serious eyelined reaction shots... ohnoyoubetterdont

LOL. Sigweavie be like "fools. my dick is bigger than yours... combined"

I'm all for headdresses but in truth I'd rather have Sigourney Weaver in alien-fighting skivvies again if Ridley Scott's just going to do throwbacks from now on.

(Exodus: Gods and Kings opens in December, presumably in the hopes of finally winning Ridley Scott his long overdue Oscar. I'm no great fan of Gladiator, one of the most overrated modern Best Picture winners but the man who gave us Bladerunner, Alien, and Thelma & Louise -- three of the greatest films of the past half century should not go to the grave without at least an Honorary, you know?)

 

* I do not love it.

 

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Reader Comments (21)

Thank you for pointing out that this will be 2 hours of Bale and Edgerton whipping it out while wearing uncomfortable costumes and rightfully getting the stink eye from Sigourney Weaver.

July 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJoey

Regarding the title, they had to change it due to EXODUS from many years ago laying claim to the title. RIDLEY SCOTT'S EXODUS though was sadly not used.

July 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterGlenn

Even though these might be the whitest Egyptians i've seen in quite some time, i'm kind of obsessed with Joel Edgerton's look. He might not be bringing all the sexy to the party like Yul Brynner but the ornate costumes, all the gold, his eyebrows being DONE, etc. I don't know.

Plus, i think he's pretty underrated as a chameleon. When I saw the poster of him in character from Gatsby, i was like "geez, perfect casting because he's radiating seven kinds of douche" then I ended up seeing him Kinky Boots where he looked like a sweet guy who you'd have a drink with at the pub.

July 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDerreck.

Plus, Christian Bale looks way too much like Christian Bale in this movie.

July 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDerreck.

Glenn -- omg. that would have been such a choice title. haha

Derreck -- agreed on Bale.

July 8, 2014 | Registered CommenterNATHANIEL R

I don't know. It looks like it will be a mess. Joel Edgerton put too much eyeliner while Christian Bale... just looks like Christian Bale. Where's the Moses beard?

And I'm sure we're going to get an extended cut of this film. Ridley Scott needs to retire.

July 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSteven

"LOL. Sigweavie be like "fools. my dick is bigger than yours... combined""

You just had me imagine Demi Moore in the role instead. >_<

July 9, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSanty C.

Ugh, I'm with Derreck on this movie having the whitest Egyptians. Every time I think Hollywood casting has at established a (low) bar of standards when it comes to race, I get proven wrong time and time again.

Sigourney Weaver is at least a very welcome sight as always, but I would have loved to have seen Alexander Siddig or Shohreh Aghdashloo in that trailer too.

July 9, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterF

Gracious, all that whiteness is blinding. Did they get permission to resurrect C.B. Demille or did some studio exec just dig him up themselves? Norma Desmond would be disappointed to know that she was asked to read for Weaver's part, especially since all that "face" she's giving has some heavy Salome vibes.

July 9, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterVal

Christian Bale, Russell Crowe, Colin Farrell, Jake G. (refuse to learn the spelling of that ugly last name), and Matthew McConaughey are my least liked male stars.

July 9, 2014 | Unregistered Commenter3rtful

I knew I would forget someone: Bradley Cooper.

July 9, 2014 | Unregistered Commenter3rtful

I'm getting some early n'sync, Joey Fatone vibes from Bale in those pics.

July 9, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterHenry

In the actual dialogue, Edgerton (who looks like Kevin Spacey in drag, btw) is telling Bale that the cast of The Counsellor has warned him not to do Ridley Scott films.
We can see Bale's reaction below: " Even Javier?" He asks. "Even Cameron, Christian, even Cameron." Weaver to herself: Are they talking about Avatar?


I think I've definitely lost my mind.

July 9, 2014 | Unregistered Commenteriggy

Yeah, I love epics and I love, love Bale, Edgerton and Weaver, but this is just so offputting. Solid nope for me.

July 9, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterBeth

From watching the teaser, it should be Jacqueline Susann's Exodus.

July 9, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterbrookesboy

brookesboy -- don't tease us like that! I'd pay $50 for that movie ticket

July 9, 2014 | Registered CommenterNATHANIEL R

I think we need to chill out about movie trailers, Nat.

July 9, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterHayden W.

No NEFRETIRI/NEFERTARI? Count me out!

July 9, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMirko

Hopefully Joel Edgerton's tan is at least natural.

July 9, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterRaul

Scott deserves an Oscar for all his great visionary work- this looks a bit campy

July 9, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJaragon

I just can't understand why there are white people in this movie at all. The trailer bored me, I couldn't even sit through the entire thing.

July 12, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAnna

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