Top Ten Triple: Time Tables 'Tween Movies

Generally speaking a human infant can be produced in nine months. Baby elephants take two years. But when it comes to directors birthing their next celluloid or digitial babies, the time tables from conception to birth remain a calendrical mystery. Outside of Woody Allen, who brings an infant film into the world each and every year and Clint Eastwood, who often has twins, there's just no telling!

It's so hard to please movie buffs

We're thinking about this because Darren Aronofsky is lining up his post Black Swan project and Serious Film was just rejoicing over the news that P.T. Anderson is back to work. His thinly veiled Scientology film, formerly titled "The Master" has a June start date. Michael is like Goldilocks on the topic of time between pictures and we are too -- it's hard to satisfy us! -- but the Robert Altman / Martin Scorsese time table, a film every two or so years, is deemed "just right".

Michael writes:

Sure that makes them more vulnerable to the occasional dud, but it also opens them up to all the interesting follies and surprise discoveries that wind up being as treasured as their major masterpieces. Marty would never had produced anything as odd and discomfiting as King of Comedy if he has been moving at the glacial pace of a Terrence Malick, and the cinematic landscape would have been poorer for it.'

Can he get an amen?

We're limiting the following lists to living filmmakers / post-studio time frame because everyone was more regular when films ruled the world (prior to tv) and were assembled with greater efficiency. So for today's lists, let's look at the slowpokes, inbetweeners and quickies. These are not exact lists -- imagine trying to research every director in the world and we've also extracted shorts, tv films and documentaries -- but lists of commonly discussed feature filmmakers and a few of our favorites thrown in for good measure. 

DISCLAIMER: We're fully aware that financial backing is a factor in speed but have to ignore it for the purposes of this article. Also, we're aware that release dates don't always reflect timetables but you try looking up start of filming dates versus release date disparity on thousands of movies.

also: eating, sleeping, thinking, applying sunscreen.

SLOWPOKES
Listed from the very slowest to quickest among the slow. One is forced to imagine that the following filmmakers actually hibernate inbetween films. Only intense hunger pains ever reawaken them. This list is dedicated to Spike Jonze (who has only made 3 features since he started movies and they're all brilliant. But three is no kind of legacy: Commit!) and to Jonathan Glazer who we can only assume is having problems with financing. He's only made 2 films, both of them wonderful, in the past 10 years. His next feature is supposedly Under the Skin (2014) which would arrive a full decade after Birth, one of the most brilliant films of the Aughts.

1. Terrence Malick
   Quickest: 5 years between Badlands and Days of Heaven.
   Slowest: 20 years between Days of Heaven and The Thin Red Line.
   Rough Breakdown: One film every seven and ½ years (5 films thus far)
2. Baz Luhrmann
   Quickest: 4 years between Strictly Ballroom and Romeo + Juliet
   Slowest: 7 years between Moulin Rouge and Australia
   Rough Breakdown: One film every four years and 9 months (4 films thus far)
3. David Lynch
   
   Bob, Dale Cooper and Lynch in the prolific Twin Peaks years.Quickest: He's managed one year gaps on occasion
   Slowest:

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This Must Be The Link

It's a link extravaganza. So many stories/goodies!

Comic Book Movie imagines Marvel and DC characters in the Situation Room. Love Hilary Clinton as Wonder Woman.
Nostalgic Times 12 classic actresses who are actual redheads.
Austin Translation the holiday is over but you have to see the greatest mother's day card ever (via Aliens!)
Scanners David Lynch's coffee commercial. "Real Good" says Barbie's head.

And appropos of nothing... the first official still of Brad Pitt in Cogan's Trade (2012)

Brad Pitt in COGAN'S TRADE (2012)

Money Technological prophecies from books and movies. Scifi that's become fact.
Towleroad Sean Penn clip from This Must Be The Place.
In Contention also has something to say about that goth rocker Nazi searching drama.
Letters of Note Quentin Tarantino's letter to a teenage fan. Fun / flashbacky. Remember when he was with Mira Sorvino?
CriEnglish Zhang Ziyi and Aaron Kwok share a cold bathtub in the new AIDS drama Love for Life (Zui Ai). Ziyi claims she'd doing anything for this movie.
People Magazine It seems like they've been together our whole lives but Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have separated.

USA Today Woody Allen promises that his Rome picture is "an out and out comedy" and that he's going to be in it. First time in front of cameras since Scoop.
Stale Popcorn's 'Cinema of the Absurd' returns with Teen Witch (1989)
Antagony & Ecstasy's 'Blockbuster History' returns to look at The Labors of Hercules (1958) and the birth of the sword and sandal subgenre. Speaking of...
Twitch has the first trailer to Ronal the Barbarian, a bawdy Danish toon. America does seem to be the only country that views the animation medium as only for family films.
Frontiers has an interview with Raja, the latest winner of RuPaul's Drag Race and, yes, there will be a "Heathers" tour...

Hence this Heathers style photo with (left to right) Delta Work, Carmen Carerra, Manilla Luzon and Raja.

More from Thor?
Scene Stealers has been really working that Thor groove lately. They've got a top ten list of Most Iconic Movie Weapons.
Low Resolution has assorted thoughts. Joe's always a good Reid. (see what i did there?)
Cincinatti The Avengers will shoot in Ohio just as podcast guest Robert hinted this past week. For two whole weeks

Cast This: Johnny Depp's "The Thin Man" Remake

Let's talk about Johnny Depp for a moment. Is anyone busier?

Depp sneaking away from all original movie ideas.

He seems to be rivalling Michael Fassbender (rising star division) and Leonardo DiCaprio (first dibs 30something division) on "most films in the pipeline". Aside from signing on for endless Pirates of the Caribbean films (we thought one was enough but oh how we loved it at the time), there's Tim Burton's Dark Shadows adaptation (I almost typed Dark Habits there are no druggy horny nuns in that one) and The Lone Ranger (which Depp says will be significantly rework the Tonto/Ranger dynamic), he and Rob Marshall are prepping a remake of the 30s classic The Thin Man for 2013.

What is with Depp's weird insistence on only doing remakes and sequels? That such an original performer would give himself over so completely to repetition and revisions is eerily similar to the "no more original material!" edict that seems to have consumed his once very original favorite collaborator as well (That's right, Mr. Burton, we're talking to you!)

A remake of The Thin Man (1934), one of the first feature "franchises" is a pretty terrible idea for a number of reasons and not just for the totally norm reason that the original is just fine the way it is.

There are two enormous hurdles to surmount in relaunching that franchise and the unbeatable William Powell / Myrna Loy chemistry is numero uno. Depp is a wonderful actor but when has he ever had chemistry that fine with a co-star? Think hard. Yep, he's something of an island actor. Problem dos is that though the 1930s should technically have been more backwards in terms of gender equality, it's pretty tough to beat the leading ladies of the 1930s in terms of gender equality starpower. Loy was a real lulu and who the hell will ever be able to top her impressive juggling of loving wife, comic sparring partner and elegant diva?

You're going to need an actress who can keep Depp on his toes whilst staring him straight in the eyes and simultaneously never dropping the witticisms from her lips. As much as Hollywood will want to cast a 20something woman in the this role, Johnny Depp will be 50 when the movie comes out so the Nora to his Nick should at least be in her 30s, but hopefully early 40s. (To be anal about it, there was a 13 year age difference between the original Nick and Nora Charles so we'll allow for an actress as young as 35. We're generous that way.) Remember you're looking for an equal in every way.

The last woman to hold her own opposite Depp with enough force to suggest that she absolutely did not believe she was billed below him was Anne Heche in Donnie Brasco (1997). But we all know that they're not going to cast Anne Heche. Who would you go with?

Curio: A Guide to Talking Through a Beaver

Alexa here.   Hopefully this column does not find you in spiritual crisis akin to Mel Gibson's character in The Beaver. (Or, God forbid, Mel in real life.) But just in case, here are some beaver curios that may help you out of the morass.  Apparently, all you need to do is master a cockney accent and let the beaver do the talking.  All will be mended!

He may not be as animated as the one in the film, but you can buy our own handmade, felted beaver puppet, named Castor the Busy Canadian Beaver, here.

 

Or, let your finger (ahem) do the talking with this stoneware finger puppet.  

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Reader Spotlight: John from Boston

Continuing the Reader Appreciation Series, here's a conversation with John (pictured left) from Boston. He's been reading the site ever since it launched and hearing that warms the cockles of my heart. Loyalty is definite top ten top three material as character traits go, don't you think?

Nathaniel: Do you remember your first movie?
JOHN: I think my first movie was Cinderella.  I was so frightened of the evil stepmother that we had to leave early.  When I was young, every movie scared me.  I didn’t sleep for years after E.T.  (yet somehow/somewhere I became obsessed with this medium).

First movie obsession?
Probably Clue.  I remember renting it when I was home from school with chicken pox in fifth grade.  I probably watched it 10 times in one weekend.  It is so campy, but so utterly entertaining.  …and what a cast!!!  Eileen Brennan as Mrs. Peacock and Madeline Kahn as Mrs. White are classic!  I still bust that one out every once and a while.

I love that one, too. Mrs. White is the best in the movie but when I play the game though I am always Professor Plum or Miss Scarlet.

Mrs Peacock and Mrs. White

 Okay, you're suddenly in charge of the cinema for a year. How do you wield this awesome power?

• Todd Haynes and Julianne Moore have to make at least 2 movies together
• Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts and Sandra Bullock are put on one year hiatus (Meg Ryan would be too, but what the hell has she done lately)
• No sequels
• No Oscar campaigns
• I decide all Oscar nominees and winners

Heh. Okay. Who are your three favorite actresses?
JULIANNE MOORE is the God to whom I pray.  I saw her receive the Hasty Pudding award in February.  She cannot be more awesome.  There are too many awe-inspiring performances to name.  JUDI DENCH continues to amaze me.  I thought she could only be the strong, comic matriarch until she blew me away in Notes on a Scandal.  MERYL STREEP is a given.  She is so perfect every time out that I take her for granted.  If she doesn’t win a third Oscar sometime soon there is no justice.  Katharine Hepburn, Cate Blanchett, Julie Christie and Angela Bassett get special recognition.

Take one Oscar away from someone. Give it to someone else.
I can’t only do one here.  I have to take advantage of the moment.  I would go back to 1958 and give Susan Hayward’s Oscar for I Want to Live! to Rosalind Russell for Auntie Mame. Auntie Mame is my all time favorite and Russell is so spot-on.  One of the best comic performances ever!  Second, in 2005, I would take Reese Witherspoon’s Oscar for Walk the Line and give it to Joan Allen in The Upside of Anger.  It is a major travesty that this performance was not even nominated (Keira Knightley in Pride & Prejudice…what was the Academy thinking?). That was definitely Allen’s best--better than her three Oscar-nominated, which are all fantastic. 

2005's Film Bitch Gold Medalist Joan Allen has other fans. She shoulda won the Oscar.

Finally, I would take Kim Basinger’s 1997 Supporting Actress win for L.A. Confidential and give it to Julianne Moore in Boogie Nights.  This is my third choice because I still have faith that Juli will win one day.

Have you ever dressed up as a film character for Halloween? Has a film character ever dressed as you?
Like so many others in the past, I was tighty whitey clad Tom Cruise in Risky Business two years ago for Halloween.  I had the right hair at the moment .  He’s not a film character, but Matthew Morrison’s Will Schuester definitely raided my tie/cardigan collection.

Okay John. Let's wrap up. The movie of your life. Tell us about it.
Stephen Daldry would direct the movie of my life starring James Franco (I am not scarred enough by the Oscar gig to not cast him).  The movie is part Seasons 1-3 of Brothers and Sisters, part Mean Girls, part Into the Wild, part Latter Days, part The Devil Wears Prada, part…

So many parts!

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