Red Carpet: Emma Floats, Zoe Swims, Jennifer Drowns
Wednesday, July 13, 2011 at 12:54AM For today's Red Carpet Convo, I'm joined by both of my usual coconspirators, Kurt and Jose. In this episode Kurt will lose all his motor skills, Jose will reveal psychic fashion powers, and I will prove my abject sports stupidity. Enjoy!
Nathaniel: We'll start by pretending we're in London -- which none of us are (we've got the East Coast and South America in the house) -- to visit a BAFTA function.
Kurt: I'm there -- un-straightening my teeth as we speak.
Jose: it's rainy and grey down here so consider me in Sweeney Todd "no place like London" mood
CHENO, HER ROYAL ASSNESS, MRS BEN AFFLECK, NICKI, and MLP
Nathaniel: At first I was all "Why are ALL the stars out for a "Brits to Watch" award -- the recipients of which (who?) are quite outshadowed by the starpower -- but then i realized it was hosted by the royals Prince & Kate which explains it.
Kurt: Hey, excuses to dress up... I thought for sure we'd be chatting up the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 premiere.
Nathaniel: Patience, would be skydiver, patience. So before we speak of individuals I must say that one of my favorite things is when all the beauties wear different colors. Rainbow is the absolute best red carpet color.
Kurt: yes...lovely little spectrum here. Are we going to play Guess The Bum? Because my eyes can't focus on anything else
Jose: Someone should tell this to the Red Globes, the Purple Oscars and the Black SAGs
Nathaniel: Exactly! And it's quite representative too. I couldn't spot any hive-mind aesthetic at the Bafta shindig
Kurt: There i go again, getting ahead of things...we can stick with the color convo sorry
Jose: I'm curious as to who chose the guests though, why the hell is Mary Louise Parker there and not Cate or Meryl or Kate?
Nathaniel: I can't help you there. As to guess the bum. C'mon on. Look at it. Y'all know who that is.
Jose: Her royal ass-ness
Kurt: I figured
Nathaniel: Jenny's block has moved to London
Kurt: Can we talk for a sec about her music? I'd like opinions from the group
Nathaniel: i have none. Jose?
Jose: meh, it's fun when you're drunk
Kurt: now there's a quote. put that on the album cover
Nathaniel: Blurb Whore!
Jose: and 'my spinning instructor loves her too.'
Kurt: hahaha. All i'm saying is, i'd have a hard time takin' criticisms from her assness, if i were an American Idol. the end. but, she is stunning. that skin
Nathaniel: I always feel like JLo is always trying too hard. I mean that dress is SO busy with the cutouts and the arm decor.
Jose: she is an American Idol though, she embodies everything pop music has become about: mediocre voice, crazy antics and lots of merchandise
Kurt: oh yea her fashion is nuts...remember that thing from "Savage Beauty"?
Nathaniel: I'd prefer not to. Kristin Chenoweth's dress is reminding me of something and I can't think what for the life of me. That color combo...
Jose: OMG it's reminding you of Dazzler, just say it
Nathaniel: SHUT IT. I have retired my Dazzler obsession. It was a weird K-Hole of spring 2011.
Jose: Hahaha the moment I saw her, I thought of Dazz and I blame you Nathaniel!
Nathaniel: again: RETIRED. much like Jennifer Garner until quite recently.
Jose: Cheno reminded me of when Nicole won the Globe for MR!
Nathaniel: Jose you have a sick memory. Photographic so long as there's an actress and a dress
Jose: I chose to take that as a compliment. My friends are annoyed by my fashion memory, they think I'm like a version of Lisbeth Salander who's into Vogue
Nathaniel: Maybe Cheno's dress reminds me of some high-end old-school hotel ballroom corporate function draping? I dunno. it's really bugging me. It's so old money whilst being completely boring.
Kurt: I'm getting lampshade-cum-business drape
Jose: I kinda like it though, it's very Cher at Studio 54 but I think she needed higher heels to pull it off better.
Nathaniel: Hmmm. I can't imagine Cher in it unless there were like a headpiece with it.
Kurt: i don't think chenoweth should ever try for cher anything
Nathaniel: Cheno does "Half Breed". JUST IMAGINE IT.
Jose: LOL
Kurt: i am NOT feeling this bolt of fabric Jennifer Garner is rocking. my goodness. she's drowning in fabric. save her!
Jose: you just broke my heart Kurt J. Gar's YSL is the thing couturier wet dreams are made of. It's so simple it's just perfect
Kurt: well let's get something straight here: in all likelihood you are a much better judge of fashion than me, but from this angle, I see a fabric attack
Jose: but it's supposed to be about movement, it's very flowy and watery. Imagine some sort of Greek goddess thing going on.
Kurt: i get that...your explanation is kinda working...
Nathaniel: I was going to say that i love the color on Garner so much but maybe anything other than Elektra Red I love on her because I just can't... you thought i was obsesed with Dazzler? You dont wanna know about my Elektra thing. Hated Garner doing her so much.
Jose: she pulls off color quite well, remember that crazy orange thing she wore to the Oscars?
Kurt: that was gorg
Jose: It was! but it was such a crazy Fanta color that few people would've dared to use it. Sigh. I miss her at the Oscars, never knew what the hell she was doing there but she always looked stunning
Red is just easy I guess, like Halle and nude color
Nathaniel: or everyone in black.
Kurt: oh god, i just finally caught the arm thing on JLo's dress. what is wrong with her?
But wait there's more! Nicole's goddess scoop, Nathaniel plays Marco Polo, Swoosie Kurtz is lactose tolerant, and Jennifer Aniston's secret messaging.