Review: Batman v Superman (aka the Dawn of Wonder Woman)

This review originally appeared in Nathaniel's column at Towleroad

Just over a hundred years ago the movie serial was born. The stories were divided up into small chapters and kids would return each week to the movie theater to see how the cliffhanger endings were resolved. And then they’d watch the feature presentation. Cut to: March, 2016. Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice is now open in theaters. There’s no serial preceding it but it is one. While Warner Bros, the studio that owns the DC heroes, has several superhero shows on television and stresses that they’re unrelated to the movies, the lines are ever blurrier betwen the two mediums. In fact, Batman and Superman actually both had movie serials in the 1940s. The most popular movies seventy years later are all what you’d call “franchises”. That’s code name for a very expensive serial which doesn’t air weekly but annually. And you have to see them in movie theaters.

With serials/franchises/TV shows you’re perpetually aware that there will be another episode. So the heroes are never really in danger; contractually they’ll be back next episode/season. But let’s not leap tall buildings in a single bound into the future. Is Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice a worthy movie or satisfying episode on its own?

Spoiler alert: It’s not. Many reasons why come after the jump...

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Harrison Ford-ging ahead

Josh reporting on much Harrison Ford news. Ford has long since solidified himself as one of cinema’s most iconic megastars. Following the triple whammy of Star Wars, Indiana Jones and Blade Runner in the early 80’s, Harrison Ford received top billing for every film he was in until Morning Glory in 2010. That’s nearly 3 decades of leading man status. The last decade hasn’t been the series of hits he’s accustomed to with epic flops like Paranoia, Cowboys and Aliens, and Ender’s Game. Which is why we’re heading back to the 80’s and revisiting peak Ford.

The big news this week is he’s once again returning as Indiana Jones for the 5th time. If you’ve already ruined a legacy with an abysmal 4th film, why not just keep making money off it? He’ll be 77 by the time it hits our screen, and whilst age shouldn’t be a restriction on kicking ass on screen, wouldn’t it be nice to see the same for our beloved actresses? Julie Christie is only one year older than Ford. Are you listening Tomb Raider reboot? With Spielberg back, this will be as much a trip down nostalgia lane as it was seeing Ford re-treading the deck of the Millennium Falcon in The Force Awakens last year.

With the increasingly cinematically adventurous and fascinating Denis Villeneuve at the helm of the Blade Runner sequel Ford is also returning to, there’s every chance we could be in store for a fresh look at the vivid world Scott created in the 80’s. That imagined future was so realised and dynamic, it leaves the story very open for new ambitious directions. So far rumours indicate that Ryan Gosling will actually be the lead, with Ford’s Deckard supporting in a way to anchor it to the universe we know.

The last bit of Ford related news this week is that the casting for the young Han Solo in the Star Wars spin off has been narrowed down to three. Hollywood Reporter has revealed that Alden Ehrenreich, who stole Hail, Caesar! from the rest of a stunning cast, Jack Reynor best known for Transformers: The Age of Who Cares (but solid in indies), and Taron Egerton whose charisma and scientifically perfect jawline made an impactful debut in Kingsman. This unfortunately leaves out contender Emory Cohen who made everyone in the world disappointed in their spouses in comparison to him via Brooklyn.

Are you still a passenger in the Ford car? Is the upcoming deluge of Ford reboots a Harris-ment to your childhood? Have I gone too far with these weak at best Harrison Ford puns? Let us know in the comments!

Beam Shohreh up, Scotty!

Manuel here. Here's one way to pique my interest about a film I was totally indifferent if not outright hostile to. Cast Shohreh Aghdashloo. In case you hadn't heard, the Oscar nominated actress has been added to the upcoming Star Trek sequel, Star Trek Beyond.  If you're wondering, Wait, doesn't that come out later this summer (July 22) and shouldn't they have wrapped production already? you would be correct. The film is adding a character (the High Command of the Federation played by Aghdashloo) in a series of reshoots planned for this week.

This won't be Aghdashloo's first brush with threequel high-octane blockbusters: she played scientist Kavita Rao in the dreadful X-Men: The Last Stand. Can we hope that, pre-production scuffles and last-minute reshoots aside, Star Trek Beyond will at least be a more satisfying trilogy capper than that Bret Ratner misfire?

More importantly, will someone finally listen to us and assemble, Avengers-style, all the actresses doing thankless roles in summer box office hits into an Expendables-like franchise? Think: Glenn Close (Guardians of the Galaxy), Winona Ryder (Star Trek—we'll retcon her [spoiler]), Laura Linney (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows), Patricia Clarkson (The Maze Runner) all band together to... I don't know, fight sexism in the industry with Viola Davis (Suicide Squad) at the helm? I mean, I'd watch that, wouldn't you? In the meantime, we should be happy that Aghdashloo will join the Trek universe and that it means casting directors have her in mind for future roles worthy of her talent and beauty.

Yes No Maybe So? Captain America: Civil War

Let's just get right to this one okay? I have a Pavlovian YES response to all Captain America sightings but let's do our duty and breakdown the trailer for levels of anticipatory glee and nerves, shall we? 

This job. We try to save as many people as we can. Sometimes that doesn't mean everybody. But you don't give up. 

Yup, I'm in. Pairing Captain America's savior complex with this image of his beloved, Bucky, still looking first appearance dangerous is a smart move. Instant emotional hook.

No. But then we're watching clips of three different past movies. "Previously on..." retreads aren't fun. At least pretend you're a movie instead of the most expensive and and shortest-seasoned TV show of all time.

New York (The Avengers). Washington (Winter Soldier). Sokovia (Age of Ultron)

Maybe So. Still, the good Captain speaking up when he sees Scarlet Witch's reaction to memories of Sokavia is so warming. Shut those disaster porn clips down. Hero. 

No. As it turns out, Iron Man and the government want to keep the superheroes in check because of all the collateral damage... all those cities falling while they tried to save the world. Which is kind of how the Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice trailer plays out too with Man of Steel city-levelling guilt informing the plot. Here's a tip for screenwriters of superhero movies: don't strive for realism. People are already flying and using magic and not dying when the Hulk punches them and such. Suspension of disbelief is required to enjoy ourselves. If you ground it too much by telling us city-wide body counts and such it won't be any fun. 

No. Tony Stark says he wants to punch Steve Rogers in his perfect teeth. The correct want is to kiss him on his perfect mouth. They argue.

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Strike a Poster

It's always boggling to consider how many people's noses a poster has had to pass under in order to get approved, and how they still are often more abysmal than you could have imagined. The floating head syndrome, men with their back to the camera, or a couple back to back are the usual unimaginative posters that fly by. But this week we seem to have been treated to three posters that have gone above and beyond the call of duty to be really really stupid.

Three disasters for three genres (horror, fantasy, dance) after the jump...

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