Cannes Cometh

It all begins tonight. That sounds like the future but it's actually the now since it's mid afternoon in France and photo ops and press conferences are under way. The Opening Night honor is Woody Allen's (just discussed in that quickies list) for the premiere of Midnight in Paris.

Several stars have already arrived -- and their numbers will only strengthen -- until they barely need any artificial lighting at the Palais from all the star glow.

Salma Hayek and Antonio Banderas (kicking off what could be a very big year for him) are already donning their mandatory star paraphenalia (sunglasses!) as they work the Puss in Boots promotional event.

Internationally Acclaimed Filmmakers and Global Beauties. Yep, it's Cannes Time.

Have you ever experienced a midnight in Paris?
Which films would be you queueing for at the 64th edition of the world's most famous film festival?

Top Ten Triple: Time Tables 'Tween Movies

Generally speaking a human infant can be produced in nine months. Baby elephants take two years. But when it comes to directors birthing their next celluloid or digitial babies, the time tables from conception to birth remain a calendrical mystery. Outside of Woody Allen, who brings an infant film into the world each and every year and Clint Eastwood, who often has twins, there's just no telling!

It's so hard to please movie buffs

We're thinking about this because Darren Aronofsky is lining up his post Black Swan project and Serious Film was just rejoicing over the news that P.T. Anderson is back to work. His thinly veiled Scientology film, formerly titled "The Master" has a June start date. Michael is like Goldilocks on the topic of time between pictures and we are too -- it's hard to satisfy us! -- but the Robert Altman / Martin Scorsese time table, a film every two or so years, is deemed "just right".

Michael writes:

Sure that makes them more vulnerable to the occasional dud, but it also opens them up to all the interesting follies and surprise discoveries that wind up being as treasured as their major masterpieces. Marty would never had produced anything as odd and discomfiting as King of Comedy if he has been moving at the glacial pace of a Terrence Malick, and the cinematic landscape would have been poorer for it.'

Can he get an amen?

We're limiting the following lists to living filmmakers / post-studio time frame because everyone was more regular when films ruled the world (prior to tv) and were assembled with greater efficiency. So for today's lists, let's look at the slowpokes, inbetweeners and quickies. These are not exact lists -- imagine trying to research every director in the world and we've also extracted shorts, tv films and documentaries -- but lists of commonly discussed feature filmmakers and a few of our favorites thrown in for good measure. 

DISCLAIMER: We're fully aware that financial backing is a factor in speed but have to ignore it for the purposes of this article. Also, we're aware that release dates don't always reflect timetables but you try looking up start of filming dates versus release date disparity on thousands of movies.

also: eating, sleeping, thinking, applying sunscreen.

SLOWPOKES
Listed from the very slowest to quickest among the slow. One is forced to imagine that the following filmmakers actually hibernate inbetween films. Only intense hunger pains ever reawaken them. This list is dedicated to Spike Jonze (who has only made 3 features since he started movies and they're all brilliant. But three is no kind of legacy: Commit!) and to Jonathan Glazer who we can only assume is having problems with financing. He's only made 2 films, both of them wonderful, in the past 10 years. His next feature is supposedly Under the Skin (2014) which would arrive a full decade after Birth, one of the most brilliant films of the Aughts.

1. Terrence Malick
   Quickest: 5 years between Badlands and Days of Heaven.
   Slowest: 20 years between Days of Heaven and The Thin Red Line.
   Rough Breakdown: One film every seven and ½ years (5 films thus far)
2. Baz Luhrmann
   Quickest: 4 years between Strictly Ballroom and Romeo + Juliet
   Slowest: 7 years between Moulin Rouge and Australia
   Rough Breakdown: One film every four years and 9 months (4 films thus far)
3. David Lynch
   
   Bob, Dale Cooper and Lynch in the prolific Twin Peaks years.Quickest: He's managed one year gaps on occasion
   Slowest:

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This Must Be The Link

It's a link extravaganza. So many stories/goodies!

Comic Book Movie imagines Marvel and DC characters in the Situation Room. Love Hilary Clinton as Wonder Woman.
Nostalgic Times 12 classic actresses who are actual redheads.
Austin Translation the holiday is over but you have to see the greatest mother's day card ever (via Aliens!)
Scanners David Lynch's coffee commercial. "Real Good" says Barbie's head.

And appropos of nothing... the first official still of Brad Pitt in Cogan's Trade (2012)

Brad Pitt in COGAN'S TRADE (2012)

Money Technological prophecies from books and movies. Scifi that's become fact.
Towleroad Sean Penn clip from This Must Be The Place.
In Contention also has something to say about that goth rocker Nazi searching drama.
Letters of Note Quentin Tarantino's letter to a teenage fan. Fun / flashbacky. Remember when he was with Mira Sorvino?
CriEnglish Zhang Ziyi and Aaron Kwok share a cold bathtub in the new AIDS drama Love for Life (Zui Ai). Ziyi claims she'd doing anything for this movie.
People Magazine It seems like they've been together our whole lives but Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have separated.

USA Today Woody Allen promises that his Rome picture is "an out and out comedy" and that he's going to be in it. First time in front of cameras since Scoop.
Stale Popcorn's 'Cinema of the Absurd' returns with Teen Witch (1989)
Antagony & Ecstasy's 'Blockbuster History' returns to look at The Labors of Hercules (1958) and the birth of the sword and sandal subgenre. Speaking of...
Twitch has the first trailer to Ronal the Barbarian, a bawdy Danish toon. America does seem to be the only country that views the animation medium as only for family films.
Frontiers has an interview with Raja, the latest winner of RuPaul's Drag Race and, yes, there will be a "Heathers" tour...

Hence this Heathers style photo with (left to right) Delta Work, Carmen Carerra, Manilla Luzon and Raja.

More from Thor?
Scene Stealers has been really working that Thor groove lately. They've got a top ten list of Most Iconic Movie Weapons.
Low Resolution has assorted thoughts. Joe's always a good Reid. (see what i did there?)
Cincinatti The Avengers will shoot in Ohio just as podcast guest Robert hinted this past week. For two whole weeks

Cast This: Johnny Depp's "The Thin Man" Remake

Let's talk about Johnny Depp for a moment. Is anyone busier?

Depp sneaking away from all original movie ideas.

He seems to be rivalling Michael Fassbender (rising star division) and Leonardo DiCaprio (first dibs 30something division) on "most films in the pipeline". Aside from signing on for endless Pirates of the Caribbean films (we thought one was enough but oh how we loved it at the time), there's Tim Burton's Dark Shadows adaptation (I almost typed Dark Habits there are no druggy horny nuns in that one) and The Lone Ranger (which Depp says will be significantly rework the Tonto/Ranger dynamic), he and Rob Marshall are prepping a remake of the 30s classic The Thin Man for 2013.

What is with Depp's weird insistence on only doing remakes and sequels? That such an original performer would give himself over so completely to repetition and revisions is eerily similar to the "no more original material!" edict that seems to have consumed his once very original favorite collaborator as well (That's right, Mr. Burton, we're talking to you!)

A remake of The Thin Man (1934), one of the first feature "franchises" is a pretty terrible idea for a number of reasons and not just for the totally norm reason that the original is just fine the way it is.

There are two enormous hurdles to surmount in relaunching that franchise and the unbeatable William Powell / Myrna Loy chemistry is numero uno. Depp is a wonderful actor but when has he ever had chemistry that fine with a co-star? Think hard. Yep, he's something of an island actor. Problem dos is that though the 1930s should technically have been more backwards in terms of gender equality, it's pretty tough to beat the leading ladies of the 1930s in terms of gender equality starpower. Loy was a real lulu and who the hell will ever be able to top her impressive juggling of loving wife, comic sparring partner and elegant diva?

You're going to need an actress who can keep Depp on his toes whilst staring him straight in the eyes and simultaneously never dropping the witticisms from her lips. As much as Hollywood will want to cast a 20something woman in the this role, Johnny Depp will be 50 when the movie comes out so the Nora to his Nick should at least be in her 30s, but hopefully early 40s. (To be anal about it, there was a 13 year age difference between the original Nick and Nora Charles so we'll allow for an actress as young as 35. We're generous that way.) Remember you're looking for an equal in every way.

The last woman to hold her own opposite Depp with enough force to suggest that she absolutely did not believe she was billed below him was Anne Heche in Donnie Brasco (1997). But we all know that they're not going to cast Anne Heche. Who would you go with?

Curio: A Guide to Talking Through a Beaver

Alexa here.   Hopefully this column does not find you in spiritual crisis akin to Mel Gibson's character in The Beaver. (Or, God forbid, Mel in real life.) But just in case, here are some beaver curios that may help you out of the morass.  Apparently, all you need to do is master a cockney accent and let the beaver do the talking.  All will be mended!

He may not be as animated as the one in the film, but you can buy our own handmade, felted beaver puppet, named Castor the Busy Canadian Beaver, here.

 

Or, let your finger (ahem) do the talking with this stoneware finger puppet.  

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