"Worst" of 2011. A Quick Purge

year in review part whichever

I use the term "worst" loosely as I am generally not paid to see the obviously terrible films that open all year round. Plus, I'm not feeling the negativity this year. Or, rather, I'm trying not to feel it. With Bridesmaids and Melancholia both speaking so eloquently on the subject of depression this year like some perfect if unlikely double feature (more on that soon) why should I wallow in my own? No, 2011 was a good year for cinema. So here is a very quick purge of the things that momentarily led me to believe otherwise. 

Hell's Multiplex
Hell's multiplex has noisy audiences, crying babies, constant texting, and 50 million miniature screens showing only 50 movies, a million microscopic screens for each sorry movie! All of them requiring 3D glasses... even the ones in 2D. I wisely avoided the films I thought might play there -- if I hear the names Nicolas Cage, Adam Sandler or Kevin James or "Part One" I run -- though I inadvertently stumbled on a few grotesqueries. I've no wish to bury amateurish festival films but bigger names and wider releases are fair games. The 8 worst films I saw this year, then, were:

• Beastly and...
• I Am Number Four 
  This Double Feature of Dickery tops the list (bottoms the list?), with both of the films starring Prince Charmless himself Alex Pettyfer. What possessed his management to give the go ahead on Beastly in particular in which he must sell -- and sells all too well -- utter despicability of character devoid of all traditional humanity? And selling that so well while playing the hero?
• Abduction [reviewed]
• Cars 2 -Cars was Pixar's previous worst film. So naturally all of Cars's worst impulses were jacked up for the sequel. Michael said it best to me when we were leaving the screening "It's like George Lucas deciding to make a Star Wars prequel with Jar Jar Binks as the lead character!"
• Green Lantern [reviewed]
• J Edgar - Less outright terrible than devoid of any reasonable expectations of entertainment value or historical insight. Cliche filled stuff spun from complex fascinating real life. [reviewed]
• The Other Woman [reviewed]
• Kaboom [reviewed]

Michelle & Nicole in widely hated filmsWorst Reviewed Movies of 2011 That I Myself Did Not See
New Year's Eve and Trespass ...yes I have every intention of seeing these two films; I am willing to suffer for my Pfandom and my Kidmania. But I'm no hurry. But those I intentionally avoided include: Jack and Jill, Just Go With It, The Roommate, Dylan Dog: Dead of Night, Season of the Witch, Red Riding Hood, Dream House, Zookeeper, I Don't Know How She Does It, The Rite, The Smurfs and Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

Worst Actress
True story Part 1: I had never* seen Vanessa Hudgens act before seeing Beastly.
True Story Part 2: I still haven't seen her act because no reasonable person could call it such. 

Mating Rituals From Hell's Multiplex: BEASTLY

Worst Actress That Has Been Good In Other Things
If you figure out what Abbie Cornish was doing in W.E. besides counting down the days till the shoot ended please share this information. But my guess is that's what was going on because otherwise I can't figure it...

Worst Actor
Let's play "Jeopardy" instead...

Violins, totem poles, Grandma Willow, trees, 'Mr. Pointy', antiques, wardrobe, pianos, chaise lounge, picket fence, Treebeard, staves, matches, witch's broom... 

??? 

Click to read more ...

Beauty Break: The Cast of "Magic Mike"

Channing Tatum: The Early YearsSteven Soderbergh's Magic Mike, must be nearing cameras, since casting news is dropping regularly now. No one can ever claim that Soderbergh dawdles... though wasn't he supposed to be retiring? He seems awfully busy for someone winding down. The film is a pet project of Channing Tatum's and loosely based on his experience as a stripper at 19. He had never hidden his body as cash machine past (see also: much modelling) so the surfacing of that video a couple years back was more novelty than scandal. 2012 is going to be a huge year for Tatum as he has not one not two but five movies that'll be hitting theaters.

Channing plays the title character of Magic Mike and will school rising star Alex Pettyfer (of I Am Number Four)  on the fine art of hustling. Earlier this week we heard that Matthew McConaughey had joined the film as their pimp boss and just last night news came that White Collar's Matt Bomer has also signed on. I've never watched an episode of White Collar but I've watched several episodes of Bomer photographs (His fans be feverish with the posting of them, you know). TWO MORE ANNOUNCED: True Blood's Joseph Mangianello also added to the cast as "Big Dick Richie" and now Cuban model/actor William Levy update again (08/29) Levy has turned down the role. Bad move. He's not famous and this is a major director we're talking about with a starry cast.

Other rumored members of the cast include Shiloh Fernandez and Demi Moore (!!!) who, well, ⇒⇒⇒

I'm not sure I believe either rumor -- especially the Demi one. But if it's true, I guess Soderbergh isn't superstitious about invoking the ghost of infamous bad-movie Striptease (1996)!

Care to help Soderbergh out with the rest of the casting? Who should join Pettyfer, Bomer, Levy, Manganiello, McConaughey and Tatum in bum-shaking and tip-taking?

Poor Johnathon Schaech. Anyone remember him from the 90s? Wasn't he supposed to star in (or wanted to star in) a Chippendales movie? It never happened but he's still working and still beautiful at 42. So come on Soderbergh, isn't there room for a middle manager or a McConaughey rival?

Tatum, Pettyfer, McConaughey, Bomer, Fernandez

Striptastic photos of the cast after the jump... (if you're into that. if you aren't don't go clicking)

Click to read more ...

I Am Number Four's Power Apps

Have any of you seen I Am Number Four? In a brain dead mood -- it's summer, it happens -- it was watched right here. At first I thought I might write up a whole review. Its jumbled five or six films in one chaos might be worth savaging as it continually reveals itself as a member of the  "we're making this shit up as we go along!" school of storytelling. Pettyfer is number four of a race of escapee aliens who are being hunted on Earth by their old nemesis and they're being killed in numerical order. I'll give you one guess as to how many of them are already dead.

Number three is dead.

Good guess!

I knew nothing about I Am Number Four's origins but immediately assumed it was based on a comic or graphic novel due to its continual expository mythology. All this for one stand alone feature? It must have fuller origins elsewhere. 

But in the end the movie is too disposable and harmless to be mean to. So let's just focus on the troublesome pet peeve: Alex Pettyfer's Magic Hands.

Pettyfer knows he's an alien and he knows he's number four but he doesn't actually understand his own powers yet and strange things keep happening to his body, like pulsing blue light from his hands. Pettyfer is a bit too, um, well-developed for I Am Number Four to double property as a puberty metaphor but it seems to be trying anyway. Once he starts using those hands his powers seem limitless. His hands are always ready with some solution: lock-picking, energy blasts, heat generation, super strength, you name it. At one point when he just decides to use them as flashlights in a dark room where key exposition secrets are hidden we had to add our own dialogue from the couch: "I've got an app for that, too!"

There's just nothing those mitts can't do.

Note to all filmmakers of this and Green Lantern and anyone taking on any future heroes with undefined powers: it doesn't work. If your hero's gifts are never defined there are no stakes. You can't push them to their limits for a dramatic climax if you've never given any indication that they have any. Think it over. 

This & That: Win Wins, Pettyfer Double, Black Swan $100

I apologize for my absence today, I'm so far behind on awardage I know. Argh. While you wait for that, some articles of mine at my other two haunts.

In my weekly Oscar column at Tribeca Film, I'm considering the win-win of being a nominated actor. If you think you're going to win, you're probably racked with nerves. If you know you're not, you're free to enjoy the adulation without much stress. Either way, it's a win-win since you're Oscar nominated, you know?

Over at Towleroad, I'm blabbing about Alex Pettyfer aka I Am Number Four, the latest product Hollywood is trying to sell me.

It's like Hollywood is smiling under flourescent lighting at the grocery store. "Free sample? Free sample?"

Other things to check out:
Inside Movies great piece on Banksy and why the Academy doesn't understand entertainment on Oscar night.
Meryl Streep Forum has some on the set peaks at Meryl Streep in Thatcher.
Awards Daily Ballot Sasha is simulating the Oscar voting. I voted today. Wheeee
My New Plaid Pants Do Dump or Marry with the Lincoln Lawyer lads.
Gold Derby Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark getting rewrites from a different writer after three months in previews? My God. Please just put this thing down.
Alt Film Guide fun list of longest gap between acting Oscar nods.

Finally, congratulations to Darren Aronofsky. He has his first $100 million domestic grosser with Black Swan which just crossed the big mark. It feels great that the public is finally catching up with all of us, right? Aronofsky's been making awesome movies for a whole decade. In case you missed the big Aronofsky Favorite Actors post, check it out.