6:09 Hi everyone! Another day in January, another punishing celebratory live blog. So far we've seen three dresses and I've already forgotten the names of the women who wore them. But for Olivia Wilde in a frankly enormous sparkly princess ball gown. E! Used their 360˚ Glam Cam on her and I swear she almost started singing a Disney "I Want" song as the camera spun round. Ryan Seacrest, whilst asking about the dresses, already felt the need to remind us that he was a man. If you need to remind us...
6:13 I hate the term "Baby Bump." It's not like these women are snorting teeny lines of cocaine or need their roads repaved.
6:16 They're showing Natalie Portman commercials mere minutes after showing flashbacks of her on other red carpets and after saying her name 31 times. This program is sponsored by Natalie Portman. (Aside: Um, there's an UP joke in No Strings Attached?!? Weird)
6:20 Inauspicious beginnings. Jennifer Love Hewitt as the first major interview? Ryan Seacrest is talking about stepping on someones dress "Get Off My Dress" he says replaying the scene. I'm glad he didn't slip and say "Get Out Of My Dress."
6:36 Elisabeth Moss (Mad Men) is doing The Children's Hour with Kiera Knightley!? How is this the first I'm hearing of this? Which one plays the lesbian?
6:40 Seacrest just talked to Diana Agron which IMMEDIATELY made me flash back to Glenn's highlarious review of Burlesque in which he writes
Kristen Bell pops up occasionally, too, whenever the plot demands someone to scoff and scowl. And then Diana Agron of Glee appears momentary in a role so brief I can’t believe Andre Braugher wasn’t cast.
LOL. I'm still giggling about that one days later.
6:43 I wrote a drinking game for Towleroad Friday and if you are already playing it, God help you, but also: you've had to drink thrice (Three closeted gays already!)
6:44 "From this vantage point Natalie Portman looks stunning" That may be the most redundant sentence of all time.
6:49 Wait FOUR closet-cases already tonight? They're out in force.
6:53 Behold HELENA BONHAM-CARTER's shoes.
Helena Bonham-Carter's shoes
To quote PopWrap
Helena Bonham Carter's dress is 100% Helena Bonham Carter... #IGotYourCrazy
6:57 They are showing Lea Michele what she wore last year. Wouldn't you be horrified if someone showed you what you were wearing last year? I'm pretty sure I was clothed... at least. But I don't want a flashback.
7:02 I got lost in a PortmanHole.
Where am I. It's like all I can hear is her name. Her name is becoming ambient noise. Or like a droning suggestive trance. I love Natalie but if she suddenly starts talking about being a girl from a trailer park with a dream it'll be me having a psychotic break
7:11 I got so trapped in the Portmania that I forgot to mention that Ryan Seacrest just couldn't stop talking about asking Jake Gyllenhaal about nudity in Love and Other Drugs. Naked Jake is to Love and Other Drugs was Natalie Portman is to awards season. It's all anyone can talk about.
7:12 NICOLE KIDMAN on Rabbit Hole and reminding us that we're glad she married Keith Urban.
Nicole: He was the one that nudged me out of the nest.
Keith: It's important for Nicole to tell certain stories.
That it is.
7:13 I am so horrified that every MOVIE awards show is obsessed with teenage MUSIC stars that have nothing to do with movies.
7:18 Oh, I feel terrible for good filmmakers (Hi, Derek Cianfrance of Blue Valentine) when they try to discuss the fine points of their film on the red carpet. It just never works. Ryan Seacrest is not Charlie Rose.
<--- Speaking of roses... Natalie's
THE HORROR THE HORROR
That's going to give me appliqué nightmares. It's a special subsection of nightmares that one sometimes has, doesn't one?
7:26 This is moving so quickly that I have already missed talking about the two Janes. And Catherine Zeta Jones and the Movie Star She Sleeps With.
7:28 Angelina Jolie arrives in GREEN and suddenly every other star wearing green (and there are a lot of them) is probably mortified because, really, who can compete with Angelina. I mean besides Margaret Hamilton and her beautiful wickedness. I didn't get a photo, damnit.
7:33 Sandra Bullock's bangs.
Remember that scene in Edward Scissorhands where Edward sits with the dogs and performs one little snip for the sake of the dog's vision? ...That.
7:42 Halle Berry is wearing something that I think Demi Moore may have designed for her. (Sorry 80s joke. You are all too young for that joke).
And Michelle Williams was running late so she just wrapped her shower curtain around herself. Short hair is so easy. You can just shower and go!
7:45 Anne Hathaway's copper sequins -- she just called them CDs are as large as her vavavoom.
7:47 Megan Fox. Please do not wear a center slit while wearing pink. It's just... I just...it's...
Now might be the time to tell you that I hate when they ask people "WHO ARE YOU WEARING" Because it always makes me think of Buffalo Bill.
Q: Who are you wearing Jamie?
Silence of the Lamb's Jamie Gumm
A: "Uh.... a great big fat person."
I don't know how to follow that up. I am so sorry.
7:55 January Jones. Ryan Seacrest calls Matthew Weiner January's "creator" ... that didn't come out right. Maybe January does.not.exist.
7: 57 Olivia Wilde has now been on the red carpet for 2 HOURS. That's some dedication to your own camera whoredom!
7:58 Okay the show is about to start. We need to start a new post. This is so long but how cute that Tilda Swinton and Helen Mirren were hugging.
GROUP HUG!!!
okay, we're going to start a new post for the show itself.
Monday, January 17, 2011 at 11:58AM 
Maybe it doesn't work at all if you don't have RDJ's Schmarm™. (That's smarm cut with charm) But I thought it was totally funny. Nick* correctly observes that Emma Stone actually makes the penultimate punchline work with her on-the-spot reaction shot, all good sport guilt and carnal complicity.
