Yes, No, Maybe So: "Snow White & the Huntsman"

Once upon a time there lived a blogger named Nathaniel R who feared all fairy tale reinventions after the gaudiest of poison apples that was Eyesore in Wonderland left him for dead, comatose. But then on the magical day of November the 10th, this trailer for Snow White & The Huntsmen arrived and woke him with something like true love's kiss.

Or is it another trap? Is this another gaudy brain-dead horror malevolently enchanted with a Prince Charming disguise? Dare Nathaniel dream of a happy ending?

YES

• It's never a bad idea to remind us of Madonna's "Frozen" (♥) and that raven form explosion did the trick for an opening and closing gambit.
• Though the title name checks only Snow White (Kristen Stewart) and The Huntsmen (Chris Hemsworth), the trailer promises that this is totally The Evil Queen Show. And we can live with that since Charlize Theron is delicious.
• "Beauty is my power" ...that creepy yet restrained image of the queen bathed in milk (?) rather than something more cliché like a pool of blood after her opening kill... is so "pop" (think Annie Leibovitz photoshoots) but also has a mysteriously disturbing simplicity. Is the whole movie going to be this visually smart? 
• My god this movie looks so beautiful. Let's see... [IMDb check] ZOMG, it's Greig Fraser on DP duty. No wonder. Remember what he did for Bright Star? He's our new favorite. And... oh... Colleen Atwood on costumes? Really? They look amazing but atypically less than alarmingly busy and fussed over (thank god) than what she concocts lately for Tim Burton.
• Did we mention that we love Charlize Theron?
• Did we mention that we love Charlize best when she embraces her inner outer beauty? When she does she's monstrously good.

No & Maybe So AFTER THE JUMP...

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Highest Paid Actresses. What Are They Worth To You?

Forbes released a list of the highest paid actresses a few days ago, tallying earnings between last summer and this one. Have you stopped to think it over? As usual there's not much in the way of specifics as to how they earned the money but it's usually a combo of residuals, new movie deals, and commercial endorsements and the numbers are pre-tax and pre-overhead -- their agents and managers get a chunk of this as does the government. (But you know how kind the government is to millionaires so don't worry for their bank accounts! Millionaires aren't expected to help so the ones with true altruism -- hi Angie! -- are even more lauded for it.)

I used to love all lists as I once interpreted all of them as "people love lists as much as I do!" but now of course it only means "crank up the page views!" . Forbes is especially shameless as you actually have to hit arrows and whatnot an incredible 34 times to read every word of the article! Page View Trickery. I'll save you the trouble. The list is as follows:

1. ANGELINA JOLIE - $30 million
2. SARAH JESSICA PARKER - $30 million
3. JENNIFER ANISTON - $28 million
4. REESE WITHERSPOON -$28 million
5. JULIA ROBERTS - $20 million
6. KRISTEN STEWART -$20 million
7. KATHARINE HEIGL - $19 million
8. CAMERON DIAZ - $18 million
9. SANDRA BULLOCK - $15 million
10. MERYL STREEP - $10 million

On first glance it might seem like a boring list of ubiquitous names but if you stop to consider it offers up a few different career trajectories. You've got your TV stars who leveraged that into massive global fame and then steady film careers  (SJP, HEIGL, ANISTON), you've got a woman who became synonymous with Great Acting (STREEP) early in her career and just refused to vacate her throne, you've got an Otherworldly Movie Queen who seems to belong to the entire world less for her movies than for her celebrity and outreach (JOLIE), you've got the RomCom Queens of the 1990s (ROBERTS, BULLOCK) and their natural successor (WITHERSPOON) who all won Oscars as career honors. [Theory: it's much easier to win an Oscar after RomCom riches than to just win an Oscar due to your dramatic gifts. Discuss!]

And then you've got DIAZ who is sort of in the Roberts/Bullock/Witherspoon school but maybe closer to a Meg Ryan in terms of Hollywood's lack of interest in rewarding her for it (other than monetarily). Finally, you've got a new rock star like franchise queen (STEWART). Will Stewart be able to convert her Twilight fame into a career beyond celibacy-advocate vampirism?

You can't just have a gazillion corporate endorsement print campaigns like Scarlett Johannson or Julianne Moore to name two quick examples, you need to get paid a lot to make the movies that you do make. 

Two things are certain about making it to the top ten.

1. You need to have long hair.
2. If you're not a true original (Streep) and if you haven't slept with Brad Pitt (Aniston and Jolie) it's absolutely crucial to headline romantic blockbusters and/or a single blockbuster franchise. (SJP, Witherspoon, Bullock, Roberts, Diaz, Stewart). 

That covers everyone but Katharine Heigl but maybe you'll have better luck explaining her in the comments.

Red Carpet: MTV Girls, Super Empathy, and Lively Nudity

Previously on red carpet lineup Nathaniel and Jose discussed Cannes gowns and Kurt and Nathaniel chatted about the annual Met Gala. In today's episode, Nathaniel and Jose discuss the MTV Movie Awards fashion.

Nathaniel: ‬ ‪This time we're starting a bit "off cinema" -- although calling the MTV Movie Awards cinema related is a stretch -- for a brief look at the CDFA Awards held this week in New York City.‬

Lady Gaga, Lady Watts, Lady Sevigny, Housewife Marcia

Jose: ‬ ‪Wait, is that the thing where Gaga is? I assumed this lineup was the MTV awards too. Ha. I obviously missed both ceremonies

Nathaniel:‬ ‪Yep. The Council of Fashion Designers honored the industry's biggest designers as is their habit. But they also gave an award to Lady Gaga. Isn't giving Gaga a fashion award kind of like giving Angelina Jolie a Fame Award. Like...

"Congratulations: You are You!!!"

Jose: ‬ ‬ ‪She should receive fashion awards at the Cattle Salesman Council, not the fashion council.‬
She's always so coy about it, like "oh, you think I'm special?", I hate that. ‪Despite my love of McQueen I personally think that you should be able to "wear" fashion and these awards should go to people who encourage that‬

Nathaniel:‬ I hesitated to include Gaga in the Lineup o Actresses because lord knows the woman CANNOT act (see: music videos and SNL). I wish so bad that she'd make a movie because people would finally stop kicking Madonna for her shaky thespian tendencies. But I have a larger point to make.‬

Which is that if you're attending such a thing, shouldn't you do what Chloe Sevigny and Marcia Cross are doing and NOT what Naomi Watts is doing? Something eyepopping or you might as well be wallpaper.

Jose: To be honest, I'd rather have my Naomi fix in this wallflower-ish type, cause she's made some hideous choices in the past‬. Remember that dress she wore to the Oscars that made her look like King Kong had recently attacked her? This is careless copying, though. This is essentially what Gwynnie wore to the Oscars this year, but short and shapeless.

Nathaniel:‬ And bland. Here's the thing with blond actresses that are not particularly unusually eye-popping in some way. They're like grains of sand on the beach. There are millions of others with whom you are indistinguishable unless you're giving it a little something extra.‬ Naomi overcompensates onscreen sometimes by ACTING but undercompensates on the red carpet.

Jose: I say let's pull a Freaky Friday on Gaga and Naomi.

Nathaniel: !!! Wonderful idea.

Jose: Gaga looking human would be more surprising than anything else.

Nathaniel: Totes. I keep waiting for her to have her own "Live to Tell" moment where suddenly she's just in a simple flowery dress with pretty hair. That was SO shocking at the time for Madonna.‬ That's got to happen eventually.

Jose: ‬ ‬ ‪I'd love to see what she wore when she was just plain old "Gaga from the block", even Madge is down to earth now (in Louis Vuitton of course)‬

Nathaniel: I like that Chloe's top feels rubbery and sentient and winged... I suddenly picture her as Professor X's love Empress Lilandra of the Shi'Ar but I have mutants on the brain.

Jose: That makes total sense. She wouldn't even need CGI to display weird powers.‬

Lilandra and Dazzler of late 70s/early 80s X-Men fame

Nathaniel:‬ ‪Heh. I know I've said this very recently in another red carpet post but everyone is conspiring to make me think of 70s DAZZLER from the X-Men lately.

Jose: ‬ ‪Marcia looks stunning. I'm pretty sure she's looked the same since the 70's, maybe she's a mutant herself‬.

Nathaniel: These sparkly disco jumpsuits! There needs to be an X-Men Origins: Dazzler movie to fully bring back the 1970s. Fashion is trying to take us there anyway.‬

Jose: And I'd love to see Cross in a catfight with Jennifer Lawrence. ‪I say, let's put 'em all in rollerskates and have ourselves a Xanadu-Men: First Class!‬

Nathaniel: Damnit. Now I have to go masturbate.

Jose: LOL. It's too early for that here.

Nathaniel: Self-love knows no time zones!‬ Speaking of masturbatory.... let's move on to the MTV Twilight Awards.‬

Jose: ‬ ‬ ‪Ew, fine.

Nathaniel:‬ ‪This first lineup of lovely ladies demonstrates to us that it's A) summer at last B) short skirts are in.‬

Emma Watson, Mini-Dakota, Emma Stone, KStew, Queen Reese

Jose:  ‬ ‪I remember the time when the fine people of the planet voted for movies like Scream and Lord of the Rings in those awards, heck they even gave Nicole Kidman a trophy for Moulin Rouge! when Oscar ignored her‬

Nathaniel:‬ ‪I was just talking about this to a friend yesterday at lunch. You sound like an old curmudgeon when you say: back in my day they used to vote for good movies! but in this case it's not nostalgia, it's plain-ass facts.

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"Savage Beauty" A Red Carpeted Conversation.

I felt like the red carpet lineup feature needed a rethink so let's make it a conversation instead. I've enlisted Kurt from Your Movie Buddy to chat with today. This is but a small sampling from this week's big event which seemingly hundreds of celebrities attended. But we're only talking about 18 of them.

SEVIGNY, FANNING, LOPEZ, PINTO

Nathaniel:  The Met's annual Costume Institue Gala has been nicknamed the "Oscars of the East Coast" in the past -- everyone goes -- so I figure we should uh, say something, though predictions cannot apply. Nobody wins anything except for maybe your oohs and aahs.

Hi Kurt!

Kurt:  Hi Nathaniel! I was not aware of such a nickname, but okay. I'm all for lavish attire and oohs and ahhs. As for the first quartet of ladies you've provided, shall we go through them one by one?

Nathaniel: Two by two because... Chloë Sevigny and Freida Pinto. Don't they seem like inverted images. The theme was "Alexander McQueen: Savage Beauty" I think -- there's always a theme. Wouldn't it be great if Oscar had a theme each year?

Kurt: They have unofficial themes -- remember when everyone wore red in 2008? "Savage Beauty," eh?

Nathaniel: What's with the ties (?) and the black and white reversed?

Kurt: There's not much savagery in the Sevigny-Pinto duet, unless you count Chloe's 'do. The inversion is interesting. I feel like it's part of a trend I'm not privy to, as both of these ladies seem to be on fashion's cusp. As for who wore it best -- I'm Team Freida.

Nathaniel:  Vote Split! As for women in ties, I would like to vote for Diane Keaton circa Annie Hall in absentia and perpetuity.

Kurt:  Of course. for the record, though, I am a HUGE Chloe fan

Nathaniel:  True story. When i was a little kid I thought it was pronounced "shlow" and my friends never never never let me live it down.

Kurt:  In that case, I imagine you would've had a helluva a time with SEVIGNY

Nathaniel:  LOL. no not Sevigny herself. Just her namesake. But when one says they are a fan of Chloë that can mean SO many things. Don't you think she has kind of a schizo fan base like acting, fashion iconery, polygamist cult-obsessives, drag queens... So what kind of Chloe fan are you?

Kurt: Very schizo fan base indeed. I'm of the opinion that if you like Chloë S., we can prob. be friends. She has a very specific coolness. Me? I'm a fan of the actress first, the fashion icon second, and whatever else she's into third.

Nathaniel:  Is "whatever else she's into" a reference to Brown Bunny because this isn't that kind of blog!!!

Kurt:  Haha! I'm going to admit I've never seen that. I've heard it's such a slog, and I feel like I'd only be watching for the BlowJ part. Not that that's not worth seeing, I just feel like I'll let it keep its lore and mystique. Besides, I'm certainly no Vincent Gallo completist.

Nathaniel:  Fair enough. I worry for people who are. Is it fair to say that you're a fan of Dakota Fanning -- I know you liked her Runaways work -- or am I being too pushy about recruiting? She needs some support given The Rise of Elle.

Kurt:  I'm definitely a Dakota fan. She's one of my favorite young stars to watch. The whole evolution thing is really fun when the star is actually a big talent. I feel the same way about Saorsie Ronan (who suggests future Blanchett chameleonism in Hanna). I remember thinking in that awful movie Push, which Dakota totally ran away with, that she has all sorts of Jodie Foster parallels. I think she will be a star until she's dead.

Nathaniel:  Are you suggesting that Elle will have to kill her to dethrone her? I hate what Dakota is wearing here. But moving on... I only included Jennifer Lopez because she's "relevant" again (damn you American Idol) DON'T MAKE ME TALK ABOUT HER.
 
Kurt:  Oh no, we MUST. JLo is a perpetual red carpet fiasco, which is so funny because she's obsessed with fashion. Here we have another mess...

[long pause]

Nathaniel:  I've half typed seven different jokes and can only raise a white flag. JLo has defeated me. I have nothing to say.

Kurt: Was one of them "bondage gardener?" I was so excited when I saw her in the lineup. She is the queen of excess, which I guess is appropriate but MY GOD. It's always the antithesis of "take something off before you leave." And this getup looks so effing uncomfortable.

Nathaniel:  But does it look Savage? Or Beauty-ful?

Kurt:  I'll give her Savage.  Savage Garden

Nathaniel:  Heh. These lineups are very random except when I wanted to pair people.

KRUGER, MICHELE, IMAN, ZEEEEEE, MENDEZ

And I have to say this about both Zeéeeee and Eva Mendes. You have to give them points for tenacity. Whatever their onscreen merits, I feel like they both have death grips on their fame. They're just not going to give up. Eva's look screams very sophisticated key party to me. As for Zeéeeee, well she is fairly reliable as red carpet stars go.

Kurt:  (Oh, that inescapable pout...) Interesting point about death grips. Eva rides high on sexiness, which is definitely what keeps her working

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Kristen Stewart as Snow White? Quick, Grab an Apple.

If there's anything good to say about Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland and its billion dollar gross, it's that it might make Hollywood a safer place for female-driven magical tales. Disney's Tangled and its $449 million gross (and rising) enthusiastically seconds the notion that fairy tales and old timey stories aren't passe. Fairy tales are a good well to draw from: they're familiar and thus as easy to market as any hit franchise and yet they're flexible and thus of interest to artists who can bring fresh takes to old stories.

Kristen Stewart and Snow White... with birds.

Initially the prospect of Snow White and The Hunstman thrilled. It got even more mouth-watering when Charlize Theron and Viggo Mortensen were named as the Evil Queen and the Hunstman, respectively. But now that we have our Snow White in Kristen Stewart, the apple seems poisoned prematurely.Stewart's performance as Joan Jett in The Runaways proved that she could in fact play something beyond Self-Indulgently Mopey Girl (Twilight + Into the Wild + Adventureland) but playing a naive sweet dreamy girl suddenly thrust into danger because she's just too beautiful to live? That's such an about face it may be less a healthy stretch and more a case of getting strapped to the rack. Stewart's edge and performance style seem radically wrong for Snow White unless they're just using the name as a jumping off point.

Reinterpreting fairy tales can be fun, provocative, artistic and lucrative but don't you have to maintain some semblance of connection to the material? 

What's in the box? A gift to moviegoers or something...awful.Plus there's the small matter of "the fairest of them all". This is not meant as a knock against Kristen Stewart who is obviously an attractive woman but I think few would worry for Charlize Theron's ego in that particular department up against practically anyone.

We wont know if this particular Snow White is a poisoned apple to moviegoers until 2012, but if it is there's still hope for the fairest of them all to find her prince and defeat the vain queen. Two other Snow White movies are also in development. Tarsem Singh's Brothers Grimm: Snow White (with Julia Roberts a possibility as the evil queen) would undoubtedly be something to gawk at at the very least. The other one is Snow and the Seven which Michael Arndt (Little Miss Sunshine, Toy Story 3) is scripting for Disney. One suspects not all of these movies will happen but with three competing Snow White themed movies and (what, seven!?) new Wizard of Oz themed movies, plus that Red Riding Hood thing with Amanda Seyfriend and maybe Tim Burton's take on Sleeping Beauty focusing on Maleficent, the Teens is going to be a very fairytale heavy decade if this keeps up.