The Lord of the Apes: The Fellowship of the Ape

Blu Ray CollectionI missed the final critics screening of Rise of the Planet of the Apes due to my Michigan trip, but some critics and pundits have gone quite wild for it. And once again Andy Serkis, aka Gollum aka King Kong aka Pioneer King of Motion Capture Performing, is getting "give him gold" attention.

Meanwhile, in an effort to make me feel even worse about missing the new flick before it hits theaters tomorrow, guess what arrived while I was in Michigan? The Planet of the Apes 40th Anniversary Blu-Ray Box Set. Maybe apes aren't very good at math because the first movie was from 1968 which is 43 years ago but whatever.

It looks SENSATIONAL. I love the packaging and it's even got a gatefold timeline detailing the whole sci-fi tale. I have no idea when I'll find time to watch them all (I've only ever seen the first one which I love but mostly for camp reasons... actual NSFW *LOL* shot ) but I'll try.

So with apes on the brain, I asked Team Film Experience the following question and I want to know your answers too.

WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU HEAR "PLANET OF THE APES"?

KURT: Sadly, Mark Wahlberg.

CRAIG: Since The Simpsons' parody, I always think of Stop the Planet of the Apes, I want to Get Off!

MICHAEL C: In college I engaged in an ill-advised marathon of Apes VHS tapes, memories of which are blurry, but one scene from the surprisingly un-terrible, Escape from the Planet of the Apes stands out. After Cornelius and Zira have time traveled back to present-day Earth and become celebrities (of course) they bizarrely engage in one of those out-on-the-town, trying on lots of different outfits montages. I have never rewatched the movie so this is one of those movie memories I am never 100% sure I didn't hallucinate. Maybe somebody can help me out with this?

ROBERT: Usually I think Charlton Heston shouting "You damn dirty apes!" However currently I can't help but think of the commercials for the new film which make me laugh every time. Those apes just look so angry.

JOSE: Charlton Heston in a loincloth *drools*, wait, eww.

NICK: A Bachmann/Pawlenty 2012 ticket.

Your Turn. Go! What do you think of the second you hear "Planet of the Apes"?

Team Experience: Harry Potter Goodbyes

Hey all. I asked the team here at The Film Experience to say their goodbyes to Hogwarts and the Potter franchise now that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part Two has been viewed by everyone and their werewolf uncle. Y'all know how I feel about it but a huge scale of opinions and emotions swirling about out there. Each wand is unique and chooses its wizard or some such; we're all beautiful unique snowflakes!

1. WHO WAS YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTER?

JA: I always gravitate towards the nerdy girls so my first thought was Hermione, but then she was swallowed whole by a tidal wave of Luna Lovegood affection. The casting people worked magic pretty much across the board but Evanna Lynch was an amazing find.

Andreas: Bellatrix, at least as portrayed by HBC. Cackling, sadistic, sexy -- I'd take her delightfully evil turn any day over her Oscar-nominated cheerleading in The King's Speech.

Kurt: Minerva McGonagall, and she gets two of the best lines in the new movie! Maggie Smith, ready to bring the thunder. Great.

Michael: Neville, Neville, Neville. The same weight of tragedy and depth of character as Harry without the cushy celebrity status or the unfortunate bouts of "woe is me" whining.  All I care about in the last movie is his big moment with the Sword of Gryffindor. It should be the cinematic "Hell, yes!" equivalent of Viggo Mortenson jumping off that ship with the army of the dead at his back.

Jose: Snape of course!

2. WHICH PROFESSOR OF MAGIC WOULD YOU LOVE TO BE SCHOOLED BY?

oh baby, talk dirty Rickman to me!

Jose:  Snape of course! The Dark Arts sound like fun!

Michael: Snape, no contest. I don't care if he does nothing but heap abuse on me. I could still listen to Alan Rickman all day.

JA: Love Maggie Smith but Professor McGonagall would've made me cry with all those withering glances. Professor Flitwick would've been fun! I could've quotedWillow to him. "Some day, Burglekutt! Some day!!!"

Kurt: My first impulse is to say Dumbledore (he seems so cuddly), but he's technically not a teacher, so I'll go with McGonagall. To quote Larry Crowne (and I swear it's the one and ONLY time I'll quote Larry Crowne), she's tough but fair.

Andreas: I've always liked Remus Lupin. He's so mild-mannered and knowledgeable about all kinds of magic. He marries one of the other coolest people in the series, Tonks. And he's a conflicted werewolf, which is pretty badass. Definitely my prof of choice if I went to Hogwarts; I'm just disappointed that he got so little screen time before his sad off-screen death!

3. IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT THE SERIES, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

Andreas: I know it's crazy, but why not make it all animated? I feel like Studio Ghibli could do wonders with a complex magical fantasy like this. At the very least, they would've made the characters in the epilogue look convincingly older. 

Kurt: That it could better balance its romances with its driving action. The juxtaposition of raging teen hormones and grave danger has usually been very effective, but the couplings have always felt like inauthentic footnotes. I really liked the final film, but I'd have been more invested had I given a hoot about Ron & Hermione, Harry & Ginny, and Luna & Neville "Never Met a Comic Relief Moment He Couldn't Fumble" Longbottom.

Jose: Have actual auteurs doing the directing work, other than Cuarón's film, none had any sense of real artistry and intention. They embodied the dullness that is adapting something just for the sake of it.

JA: Eight more movies!

Michael: Harry Potter and the Missed Opportunity

4. IN WHAT SORT OF OBJECTS WOULD WE BE LIKELY TO FIND YOUR HORCRUXES?

via

JA: My soul and all its pieces belongs to Victor Krum's underwear drawer.

Kurt: GREAT question. Mine would be: My "Lord of the Rings" Extended Edition boxed set, my grandfather's military pendant, my latest peanut butter jar (I, very unfortunately, LOVE peanut butter), a framed photo of Brandon from when we first started dating, my journal from 2003-2007, my first writing award, and my father's father's pocket watch.

Jose: My Blu-ray and DVD library, my Kindle, white CK briefs and bad dates.

Michael: Ticket stubs. I doubt I would present much of a challenge to Harry and friends. They would have me finished off by page 50 and spend the other 750 pages playing quidditch and making out in the room of requirement. 

5. WILL YOU BE HAPPY TO SEE RALPH FIENNES'S NOSE AGAIN?

JA: Are we sure he hasn't carved it off for method thespian purposes? Has anyone seen it lately? Maybe in real life he's actually wearing a prosthetic nose now and the Voldemort nose look is him without make-up. Nobody will ever know unless somebody jumps him on a red carpet and yanks at his ears! I think I speak for us all when I say that you have the permission of the Film Experience establishment to do this now, everyone.

Kurt: Yes. I like my Fiennes brothers au naturale ...and take from that what you will.

Michael: Kudos to Ralph Fiennes to playing the most iconic villain of modern pop culture. I refer of course to "Harry" from In Bruges. I found his Voldemort to be kind of a one note sinister ghoul to be honest.

Whenever I see Brendan Gleeson show up as Mad Eye Moody I am overcome with the desire  to see him confront Voldemort  at the Hog’s Head  In Bruges-style over some butter beers.

Moody: Voldemort, let’s face it. And I’m not being funny. I mean no disrespect, but you’re a cunt. You’re a cunt now. You’ve always been a cunt. And you’ll always be a cunt. Maybe make some more cunt horcruxes.

Voldemort: Leave my horcruxes fucking out of it! What have they ever done?  You retract that bit about my cunt fucking horcruxes!

Moody: I retract that bit about your cunt fucking horcruxes.

Voldemort: insult my fucking horcruxes? That’s going overboard, mate!

Want more?
Reviews of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part Two from Jose and Nathaniel,  a teary goodbye from JA who loved the series the most of any TFE contributor, a series lament from Michael in which he posits that the films shouldn't have started production until very recently. (Interesting!)

Your turn! 
Talking about its box office is boring which seems to be the convo du jour. (The franchise continues to fill JK Rowling's endless vault at Gringotts. The end.)  You know you want to answer those five questions in the comments! Or just a couple of them. Your choice. 

Team Experience: Queue Confessions

For this week's TFE contributors roundup, I thought I'd force a confession... but alas, I didn't manage to catch anything that embarrassed anyone, damnit! Except myself! My queue is stupid

WHAT'S NEXT ON YOUR DVD QUEUE?

Jose: The Red Shoes and the first four seasons of "Doc Martin" which I have to review for work.

JA: Simon Rumley's terrifically unsettling Red White and Blue which unsettled me, terrifically, last year and Undertow, that Peruvian movie which I think you interviewed the director. [Editor's Note: Yes, yes, I did.]

 Alexa (Curio): I'm really, really going to watch them when I'm not chasing my toddler or passing out: Gloria (John Cassavetes' film, not the one with Sharon Stone! This is a re-watch, I just like it) and Reform School Girls (the one with Wendy O Williams from 1986).

Robert (Distant Relatives): First up is The Circus, the only Chaplin silent comedy I haven't seen. It keeps coming back up and I keep bumping it back down because quite frankly, if I watch it then I'll never have the possibility of new Chaplin comedy in my life.  Then Soylent Green, part of the wife's ongoing attempt to school me in good sci-fi I've been too dismissive of.

Craig (Take Three): Lined up I have Mumsy, Nanny, Sonny And Girly (A wealthy clan kidnap bums and hippies and forces them to participate in an elaborate role-playing game in which they are the perfect family; those who refuse or attempt escape are ritualistically murdered) and pre-Ghostbusting Ivan Reitman's 1973 flick Cannibal Girls (A young couple spend the night in a restaurant, only to find out that it is haunted by three dead women who hunger for human flesh). So it's business as usual in my DVD player!

Michael (Unsung Heroes): First up is Let Me In. I'm caving on my anti-remake indignation and giving it a chance. After that is The Falcon and The Snowman. I've heard good things.

As for me, Nathaniel, I shall also confess. Next up for me is Dark Habits (Almodóvar) and uh... Ron Howard's The Dilemma.

WAIT. WHAT???

I think what happened was I starting this thing a few months ago where I started "saving" new releases thinking I would rent EVERYTHING that came out in 2011 and do some stupid little visual thing with it once they came out on DVD -- even if I didn't watch them -- and now I am realizing this means it is coming to my house, this Ron Howard movie with Kevin James.

NOOOooooOOOooooooo

What's up next in your DVD queues???
No cheating, people. CONFESS!

Team Experience: Swim with Mermaids, Ride on Gaga

This week I asked the contributing Film Experience team how they felt about Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides and I also wanted to gauge whether we had any Little Monsters in our midst via Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" droppings.

You refused to see Pirates 4. What would ever bring you back to this franchise?

Michael: It's hard to imagine what could bring me back to the franchise at this point, (I feel like I only just got done sitting through At World's End) but a a 90 minute running time would be a step in the right direction.

Andreas: If Disney ever wants me to shell out for another Pirates movie, they'll have to go down a really surprising route, like selling it as "Andrei Rublev on the high seas." Or maybe they could introduce interesting characters! Some outrageous twist like that. What if they solved all their problems by just making Pirates 5 into Dead Man 2? They could bring in Jim Jarmusch to guest-direct, and use William Blake quotes for all of Jack Sparrow's dialogue!

Craig: Can they get all the sequels over with in one go and amalgamate the whole lot: The Hungover Kung-Fu Transformers of the Caribbean in the City of the Deathly Hallows Parts 2, 3 & 4 will be showing near you THIS SUMMER! Either that or they just cast the muppets instead of Depp, Cruz and company. I could easily do with another Muppets Treasure Island, thanks.

You saw Pirates 4. What did you think of the Mermaids?

Jose: The mermaids were truly preposterous! Where were their nice sea shell bras and their fuzzy crab and fish friends?

Although on the bright side, if it hadn't been for Syrena, we wouldn't have had a chance to see Sam Claflin shirtless. Is it only me or should Pé have played the queen of the mermaids instead of being stuck with that crappy character?

Kurt: It's such a shrug of a movie. That said, I liked the mermaids -- collectively, they were one of the film's very few inspired elements. The mermaid attack was the first action sequence I actually paid attention to. The depiction is neither totally accurate nor blasphemous. Just a new interpretation. And thank god for it.

What if Lady Gaga's "Borth This Way" was a movie?

Who should ride her cyborg self?

Andreas: I imagine Born This Way: The Movie as a cross between The Terminator, Showgirls, and Un Chien Andalou, but with extra preachiness thrown in. To be honest, I've always wanted Gaga to branch out into large-scale filmmaking just on the basis of the "Bad Romance" music video, so if she made exactly that, I'd be perfectly happy. The weirder, the better.

Jose: It would be a freaking Heavy Metal like extravaganza. Only two passengers should ever ride Gaga: Hedwig (from the Angry Inch)... 

...and  the Governator himself. Can you imagine those two in an action movie together?

Though you didn't ask who are they chasing/is chasing them  but I'll answer. There is only one being who can do that: Madonna. She needs to find the one camp movie role to make her a cinema icon.

Craig:  The Gaga videos to date, all strung together, are like a kind of movie anyway, aren't they? But if Born This Way were a movie it would be directed by Alan Smithee. Burn (rubber), baby, burn! Edward Furlong would clearly have to ride on Gaga's mutant-motorcycle. And Gaga herself would have to talk in a weird robo-Austrian-motor dialect. Doesn't she already do that in some of her songs anyway? It's part of her charm.

Kurt: If Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" were a movie, it would, of course be Labyrinth 2, and on the back of Gaga's cyborg motorcycle would ride David Bowie's Jareth, clad in his signature wig and junk-hugging leggings. Together, Gaga and Jareth would rule over their combined armies of little monsters, and anyone who spoke against their doubly strong maze of fabulousness would be swiftly tossed into the Bog of Eternal Stench.

YOUR TURN

• Who would you pay to see riding on Gaga's mutant-cycle?
• Do you prefer your mermaids carnivorous or sweet and tuneful?